Feeling self destructive
How does one feel so?
I wouldn't know how
But I know how it goes

I'll get ******* at everyone
Turn of the telly and cut the tube
I'll say to myself, "I'm ******* done."
And I'll not sleep, like normal

Music won't do its good deeds
I'll smoke half a cigarette,
But put it out & do some speed
I'm just kidding, I don't do speed

I'll grind my teeth a little
Feel my eyes tighten into suspicion
Play the world's smallest fiddle
For my own sorry ***

I sat down in the shower
It was only a moment, but it felt like an hour
The rain poured down my back
My body was consumed by a panic attack
The water mixed in with the tears that I wept
Overwhelming me from all of the secrets I kept
My sobs a cacophony with the pitter patter of drops
Little black ink stains from my eyes turned to spots
Splattering onto my ankles and my pale clenching hands
I slowly drained away, no longer solid, just sand
A fragile little thing in that shower, I was
Stripped away and torn up, never really
                      
                l
               ­           o
                                    v
          ­                                     e
                                                          *d

I sometimes imagine my hands on your  

                           cool skin.

Hush, love, just let your warmth grow

                                                    from within.

Let your light seep out the corners of your

              almond eyes.

I ache to hear the cacophony of your lovely,

                                 begging sighs.

You make my laugh tumble like inefficient

      lovers dancing.

As you writhe and swirl, my heartstrings are for your

                                                         fingers grasping.

I like a man with fire in his bones
And where his head should be,
There is a home.

And I wax and wane like the moon
If you turn away you might miss me,
I'll be gone soon.

A beautiful symbolism of death
The leaves are falling as they turn red
And your feet greet the pavement with vigor
Eyes reflecting the warm, fiery colors
You tuck yourself up in a tight knit sweater
Cheeks flushed and skin so alabaster
Sit on a bench to reflect and regret
It already begun & it's not over yet

I feel the resin
Coat the inside
Of my lungs
As I say,
"Do not mistake
Me being
Polite
As me being
A pushover."

I am the sun & I have only just begun
To understand how to get up
Climb into the sky
Try not to cry
Keep the rain at bay
The way the world needs me to
I have nothing left to do
My bag of tricks are worn to bits
And I'm left, tumbling
I'll fall away,
And night
Replaces me, replaces the day
When I managed to make it up long enough to shine.

You are very tall, almost too tall.
My neck strains to see your face.
I squint my eyes and ponder
Why there is a bench now in your place.

I look around to find you, where are you?
Sitting on the bench I wonder,
Why was I looking up at you, why didn't I walk?
What was the reason for my blunder?

What was it about your overcast shadow
That made me want to stay
I look around again, to find you
I'm not fond of the games you play

I stand up and put my hands in my coat pocket
And I run a quick hand through my hair
I feel long wiry arms encircling me
Now suddenly you are there.

A bench to a man, and a man to a bench
How are you doing this and why?
I rest my face against your chest
Then you whisper a goodbye

And I'm alone in the cold with a vast
Expanse of snow as far as I can see
Nothing but a bench to sit on
I have a feeling you won't be coming back to
Me

I wish that I could eradicate my fears.
Crush them into dust in my hands.
Tilt my palm to the ground.
And let them be picked up by the wind
That spreads them out into tiny,
Tiny little things.
Unimportant and easily forgotten.
My ashes that lay in my head & my heart.
Made from a terrible fire inside.
That has burned down all the nerves.
Numbing me and isolating me from what I love.
If I could just tip my head to the side.
Shake them out of their hiding place.
And put them against my skin.
Then let them go away forever.
With tranquility overwhelming their place.

I am not an empty vase for you to collect your dead flowers in.

I can't sleep
He's sleeping away
The next day
Is the same game
I'm not a plain Jane
Am I
Oh, I am
So, the next day
Is the same
As the day lays
Awake
I'm awake too
I don't want to be
The bear
With the name harmony
Sits on the bed
Laying
Empty
Arms
Of a girl who doesn't
Want to hold it

There you were. To brighten my day.
To trace my skin and bring the light into my eyes.
No God could do this. God is dead.
Desensitized and diffused.
He's not there, he's not real.
But you are. You are solid.
And soulful.
And beautiful.

My heart and soul are collapsible
My personality just a vessel
Hollow and dense

So fill me up
Till my veins are over flowing
And I'll dance alone in the darkness

She paints her face like death
Plague rides on her breath
Spine is a bridge to brain full of rain
Sorrow cruises through her veins
A thousand screaming lovers
Grasp at you from her eyes as she utters,
"Kiss me"

"I bet your lips are soft."

Mm.

And there goes everything I've ever known.

I don't like people. I like red wine & cigarettes.

What do I do if I've used up all the open vacancies?

There are no more people to use as homes to hide in.

I have to go back into myself, my rooms, my hallways.

Where everything has gathered so much dust.

All curtains have stilled waiting for me to stir them.

I don't remember which doors lead where.

Or if they lead anywhere.

Are they now just ajar, vast caverns into the silence of space?

How much time as passed?

I've lost track.

I have to go back.

But I can't.

I'll sit outside of myself on the steps.

Try not to turn my eyes at the casting shadow

But everything is so,

so,

empty.

And I'm too scared to make it through the doorway.

There isn't much that turns these wheels
But there is plenty that can turn these heels
I think the sympathy packed up its tiny suitcase
It grew tired of my wasted face
And I don't think I'm lonely without it
I'm not much of a compassionate
Never was

Even the girls at the diner agree
They can see
Behind these black eyelashes
There isn't anything in me
That would make a man's
Cheeks rosy
I can't be cozy
I don't need company

The song
'Little Bag of Hair'
By the Mystery Jets
It's the only song,
On a playlist
That reads,
Forbidden.

Teddy Roosevelt would be proud of how you held your head
Higher than the food as you spilled out all your cares onto it
And your companion whisked it away, what a lovely one she is
You clambered up the highest mountain to get to a waterfall
That cleansed away all of you mistakes and you went to sleep
With the awful whiskey taste still in your mouth and a vow
To never again

I don't stand idle very long.
If you disappear, you'll be gone.
Yet if I vanish, wait for me.
When I come back, you'll see,
It'll be like I never left at all.

I should practice what I preach.
It's different for me when I leave.
For you it is an ends to a mean.
Wired deep inside your physiology.

I go away to keep that sanity.

Time goes by slow
When it's cold
My heart beats sleepily  
To snowflakes falling

                                  I bury my feet
                                  Feel myself sinking
                                  Ice coating my face
                                  Frozen in place

                                                          ­                                       Footstep falling
                                                         ­                                        Getting closer, calling me
                                                              ­                                   Go to look,
                                                           ­                                      But nothings moving

                    Now we're face to face
                    Peering inside of me
                    Radiating like the sun
                    Warming everything

                                                     ­  I find myself falling
                                                       Can you hear me calling?
                                                       Breathing smoke into my chest
                                                       You pull me back

                                                               ­                                                     Wrap me up in your wool coat
                                                            ­                                                        Arms around me
                                                              ­                                                      Pain is surrounding
                                                     ­                                                               Fr­ozen nightmarish dreams

But there you are
With a cup of hot tea
To dull the memories
Taking me back,
As I was supposed to be.

Savory tendrils of steam waft out like hands,
Pulling my face inches & inches closer to the brim.
The pressure of the top & the bottom eyelid closing
Lips curling into a small smile, pulling at the cheeks
The aroma twisting around tongue and teeth and brain
Slight tilt back of head, the cold porcelain on your fingers
Gripped a little tighter, tip with anticipation
Don't dive in, just let a little slide down
Warmth throughout your body

The youth are scratching up their throats
with paper & tobacco smokes.

Pinpricking holes in the fleshy, lonely parts
of their abandoned souls.

Rolling nature into little papers and trying
to slow the pleasure.

Drowning their sorrows in sickly sweets borrowed
from their parents' liquor cabinets.

Candy pills and paper squares dissolving,
highlighting the bright, evolving.

We came of age, we trade in our dreams for smoke, bottles, powder, needles, hallucinations, vibrations and green.

We saw others crumble, dead or alive, it spit all of us out eventually.

For those who lived, it's sad to see our fallen brethren as we walk towards adult mediocrity.

Don't write me a song
I know you hope that
This will last long
But I told you
From the start, I did,
That I wasn't looking for anything
But another friend

We faded like fragments
White bed sheet tales now
We used to smoke like trains

I think I can, I think I can.

Ashed in each others hearts once or twice
But I didn't mind
With the sunlight on your face

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

I crept across the sheets
Looking at you hungrily
Your eyes danced down my back

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

We collided without a sound
I watched your lips part
And muffled murmurs were all that escaped

Hush little baby, don't say a word.

But those tales are only tales
And these white sheets are empty now
I don't know why you left me

How I wonder where you are.

But I mourn for you like a dying lover
And while I do,
I long for another, to take your place

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack. All dressed in black, black, black.

Yet no one aside from you,
Has taken the time to look inside
So, slowly, I find myself emptying

Ashes to ashes, we all fall down.

And so I wait. And I remember.

When dancing skin illuminates your sin
I'll bask in the sight of your fair moonlight

When the warmth emanates your intakes and outakes
I'll fill my lungs with those sounds that I've found

When your hands are bands of muscles grasping me
I'll tantalize and tease, listen to you gasping 'please..'

But I want to drown in this, sink with me on this ship
I'll toss the sheets away, making white rippling waves

And we'll sail away, my dear, toss away hesitation and fear
As I'll lick the tender tendrils of your soul, just let go

So that I can hold triumph in the soft sounds of satisfied echoes
Gently tracing your skin, reminiscing the spots I've been kissing

As your eyes gently close, and the moonlight softens to a glow
I let you fade away into the night, but with me by your side

I will give you bruises on your body made of pleasure, not of pain.

With nothing but the stars to guide us on our empty ways.

We have been running through the woods like animals we truly are.

In the moon light I am tracing your violet skin that I marred.

I think
That I will see
What it's like to be
So cold and angry

I'll step into
Your worn down shoes
Look for clues
Of why your laces are loose

I'll tear your back
Pull at the crack
Ivory is lack
Stepping into the sack

Reddish burns
Eyeballs churn
Having to relearn
Basic motor functions

"I don't want anymore heartbreak,
                  I'm tired of the sound it makes."

I can see the buildings wrapped in cellophane
And the people crammed in their freezers
We are living in a pre-packaged world

Everything used to be planted and tended
And people grew out of ground like ivy

I'll put down my orange colored pencil
And I'll order a thousand boxes
Then eat a bite out of my bowl

I'm standing at the kitchen sink
The curtains are yellow and white
The light is cast on my face
As my eyes drag towards you
And a laugh tumbles out
It's without my blessing
And your teeth show from ear to ear
One tumble leads to another
Like a lady gymnast
And now we are tumbling together
The slap of your hands
They are greeting the kitchen table
I'm doubled over with happiness
And we just keep meeting
Over and over again
The linoleum is dented
With a million footsteps
Where we danced together
Twirling like a ribbon girl
Where I stirred the batter
That made your burnt birthday cake
And I'm barren, unable to conceive
But, we are each others babies
Our crib is each others arms
You take me as I am
Like the ugly wallpaper
In the upstairs bathroom

Can we pretend for a bit,
                that every day is a bicycle waltz?

That every day is filled,
                filled with wine and whiskey love.

And skin feels like heaven,
               when no one is watching it touched.

That your body & my body,
               will never grow tired of the endlessness of each other's.

Everyday should be a bicycle waltz,
               With you my dear,
                                      *my immeasurable amount of intangible motion.

I took a trip to the moon last night
Sitting in the leather booth
Smoking a cigarette
And drinking diner coffee
And while I was riding
In the light blue truck
I stuck my hand out of the window
I closed my eyes
And I took a really long drag
And I knew,
That no matter what happened
I was going to be alright
And that I was going to live my
Life
And it was going to be *******
Amazing.

Continue, maintain, attempt to preserve something that cannot be kept while lamenting the fact it isn’t possible.

Spend your whole life obsessed with the mystery of death & have it be the final answer to your fruitless questions.

We’re all in this fever dream together, but everyone is in their individual beds asleep & that’s where they will always be.

Forever, until forever falls apart, because of all things, that has the shortest half-life.

Carry away
Carry away
Say
Say
Okay
You need a pick me up
Take this bottle of-
It doesn't matter
It'll turn you into a beautiful thing
Then your problems will be
Carried away
Carried away
Say
Say
Okay
You're a beautiful thing
I'd like to say-
It doesn't matter
I've already lost you
You've already been
Carried away
Carried away
Say
Say
Okay
...

I'll make a memorandum
Out of my paper heart
An effervescent manifold
It's all together too thin
I'll make a memorandum
To remind me that tantalizing  
Beings reside among all pages
And that they are all extremely  
**Tangible

Make a list
Wish I missed
Just another day

Check off one
Don't get it done
Tell myself I did

Blink my eyes
Filled with cries
Of just another day

One can not begin to say
How the womb encompasses
The brain and strangles it
To the point of breaking
A small hand tugs on all of the organs
Planting a tree that does not bear fruit
Into the churning mass of sensation
A due date has been set on something beautiful
Taking away its appeal and spontaneity
Because the cave has a limited depth
Few comprehend the anxious meaning
The importance of the time
When the clock hands both land on zwölf
And the ringing sensation has been filled throughout
But reality is the one to say that you have to wind it
The pendulum swings, cutting away at the stomach
Since the day of conception
What cruel deity would cast a misty cloud
Over the flower of youth
Poisoning away any hope of survival
One can only wonder

You are the epitome
Of a cult of personality
To pull the ink out of
A calligraphy pen
And make it shape
Into your face,
Now that would be,
An honour.

I wiped it off my sleeve
So you couldn't see it
I watered down the words
So that you couldn't read it
You mean much more to me
Than you even know
And it would be wrong of me
To let you see the things I have to show

So I let you go
And you'll never know

Teasing each other
Tangible outbursts
Curling wrists
Open up the medicine cabinet
Under water
Distilled happiness
Living together
Is harder than it used to be