I am the sun & I have only just begun
To understand how to get up
Climb into the sky
Try not to cry
Keep the rain at bay
The way the world needs me to
I have nothing left to do
My bag of tricks are worn to bits
And I'm left, tumbling
I'll fall away,
And night
Replaces me, replaces the day
When I managed to make it up long enough to shine.

Plastered on the ceiling
Mind is always reeling
I don't like this feeling
Watching you stealing
Oh, you're so appealing
What are you revealing?

http://prezi.com/lf50ud2c7bc1/das-universum-ist-aber-eine-frau/

I wait for cigs to appear in a tiny tea can
I buy things I don't need, not out of greed
He gets off late at night, quite near three
I'm not good at loving anybody, any man,
Anything

Why must I love the poets, the painters, the piano players?

I dilute, I digress, as he touches my chest
Soft permeating whispers of spurious love
Pretending for a reason to reach this octave
I'm somewhere distant, somewhere I can rest
A mess

Are artists meant to be with artists? Do they bring out in each other what is darkest?

He lies tired, I wide awake with moon eyes
I curl my ivory back to his kisses and fingers
My cold heart does nothing but shiver
This is a sad type of a music, reprise after reprise
I sometimes cry

And I can't get close, cause I can't relate.
No brain train is the same,
but mines off the rails and no one knows what it's like to ride,
******* great,
*this is why I don't date.

Baby, I'm already asleep
I've got clouds underneath my feet
Come up and join me

The dew drops don't last very long
Hurry now, or they'll be gone
We'll crash onto the lawn

I don't think that we would even care
If the sun suddenly decided to stare
As you ran your fingers through my hair

What do I do if I've used up all the open vacancies?

There are no more people to use as homes to hide in.

I have to go back into myself, my rooms, my hallways.

Where everything has gathered so much dust.

All curtains have stilled waiting for me to stir them.

I don't remember which doors lead where.

Or if they lead anywhere.

Are they now just ajar, vast caverns into the silence of space?

How much time as passed?

I've lost track.

I have to go back.

But I can't.

I'll sit outside of myself on the steps.

Try not to turn my eyes at the casting shadow

But everything is so,

so,

empty.

And I'm too scared to make it through the doorway.

Birds will sing, but I don't really feel a thing.

Feeling self destructive
How does one feel so?
I wouldn't know how
But I know how it goes

I'll get ******* at everyone
Turn of the telly and cut the tube
I'll say to myself, "I'm ******* done."
And I'll not sleep, like normal

Music won't do its good deeds
I'll smoke half a cigarette,
But put it out & do some speed
I'm just kidding, I don't do speed

I'll grind my teeth a little
Feel my eyes tighten into suspicion
Play the world's smallest fiddle
For my own sorry ***

Before you left, you struggled.
Making me your endeavor.
Fed me wine & flattery.
You bid me goodbye.

You said you never use the phone.
Am I going to be waiting?
My ash tray is so packed now,
Hope thinned down by smoke.

I sat by the telephone
For the last time yesterday,
Drinking your red moscato.
I am done with you

I'm a self-pity king
No feeling in my left wing
I don't like it when you sing
My soul is the only thing
I wish you wouldn't sing...

I think I'm going to recede for a little while. I promise I'll be back, I can't stay away from you lovely lot, but I just need a little time to sit in my own head, more than usual I suppose. I miss you guys already & I can't wait to come back. Just right now, in my life, I need to sort of separate myself from everything else & try to figure out what's going on inside of me. No inner crisis, don't worry. Just, I think sometimes it's good to be alone. And I haven't done that in a while. I hope you all create wonderful splendid things for me to smile at once I'm ready to come back. So, I'll be back, but, for now, adieu.
        Love,
             Amara Pendergraft

It's not hard
To find people
Who party
Like it's still 1991
There will always
Be the girls
Who get
Decked out
Get drunk
And pick fights
Guys who flirt
With your skin
On the dance floor
Who take you
To their place
Showing you
Something
You've never known
There will always
Be additives
That make you
Have a great night
Or send you crashing
Without any hope
Of holding on
People take the ride
And it spits them
Out like chewed up
Sunflower carcasses
To live is to be
Free, they say
You give a bird
Too much fly room
And he'll wear
Out his wings
You can dream
About the ***
You'll have
And the girls you'll
never meet
But after all of
The drinking
The smoking
The good time
You still go home
And you still lay in
Your bed
And you still get up
In the morning
With a hangover
And you still feel
Like you are the
Only person
Like you
And you still
Want to be able
To sit around
Without having to
Think about
How lonely you
Really are
Even though
Every night,
You felt like
You were
A exploding
Star

We collided together as a cataclysmic collapse of black holes
                                                           ­                                   two days ago.

The strings of space around us stretched into small circles that
                             tucked us inside of them to hide.

Nestled away from nights and days, transcending the time that was
   beginning to slow.

Humanity & sanity fell apart but we spun on as the planets caved inward,
                                safely residing on the inside.

We were a blur of cosmic smoke and stars swirling at the center of
                                                                ­ this crumbling universe.

Bright burgundy fire built from desire washed over the silent sky
          radiating the shattered shards of our destruction.

Our blood vessels began to burst, our muscles torn from our
                                                            glow­ing bodies as we conversed.

We weaved ourselves in time, sunlight beaming from our eyes,
             as everything began to connect again.

Slots were filled with pieces that had not belonged
                                              shattered fragments placed along the outlines.

We became the blaze that lit up the center of the sky
                      filling it full of bright & warm color,
                               we were infinitely entwined as each other's lovers.

I am not built for love
I can't keep you warm
The fireplace in my chest
Is soaking wet

From the water that drips
Through my moonlit
Jagged holes

Beautiful to you
In some long forgotten way
You won't stay
In a rain stained skeleton

A visitor in a museum
I'll make a pretty photo
For you to look back on

When you go
All that will remain will be
Trampled leaves and high ceilings
A shadow in the trees

No longer feel the buzz.
But I loved you nonetheless.

dew drop demons heavily falling off the leaves
                                                           then landing on my cheeks
                         where the absent of tears is present
electric strands twisting in the clouds
                                            making loud noises illuminating my face
                  and shaking loose the self knotted noose
the birds are calling to me,
                               chirping quietly watching with beady black eyes,
          responding to my cries and lamentations
as I fall to my knees, no longer running,
                                                                ­     ready  
                                                         ­      my wails turn into whimpers
as their wings began to whisper
                                  the raindrops start to quiver,
                                                              da­mpening my already worn skin
cuts from branches and thorns burn
                                             and my clothes are torn
I can hear them in the silence
                      as they take flight
             then gently land
in my hair and on my bare skin,
                                               their little claw like fingers grasp
I'm surrounded in sight by bright black wings
                                      circling my vision
                          they begin twisting into shapes I've never seen
               eradicating me
                                 and I go home,
                                                      painl­essly.

Directly linked to you
I enjoy the feeling
Of cold pillows
But it's ruined
As I feel my life line
Tug like a little string
On the inside of my
Ribcage as you
Move up and down
Jerking my string
With you while
Another string of
Another women
Is in your tightened
Fist

I* became insane, with long intervals of horrible *sanity.

I want to be the one
That fills up your
Polaroids
Those polaroids
You keep hidden
In your drawer
That show me
Sitting on the bed
Bare backed
In the sunlight
From the open window
With my head turned
Looking at you

No please,
Don't touch me
Not with your hands
And not with your eyes
I've practiced
Sitting in my rooms
For hours
Imagining that I could take it
To have someone
Touch my arm
Or brush their hand
Against my cheek
It makes me shiver
My blood run cold
At the possibility
Of it turning black
And poisoning everything

Time goes by slow
When it's cold
My heart beats sleepily  
To snowflakes falling

                                  I bury my feet
                                  Feel myself sinking
                                  Ice coating my face
                                  Frozen in place

                                                          ­                                       Footstep falling
                                                         ­                                        Getting closer, calling me
                                                              ­                                   Go to look,
                                                           ­                                      But nothings moving

                    Now we're face to face
                    Peering inside of me
                    Radiating like the sun
                    Warming everything

                                                     ­  I find myself falling
                                                       Can you hear me calling?
                                                       Breathing smoke into my chest
                                                       You pull me back

                                                               ­                                                     Wrap me up in your wool coat
                                                            ­                                                        Arms around me
                                                              ­                                                      Pain is surrounding
                                                     ­                                                               Fr­ozen nightmarish dreams

But there you are
With a cup of hot tea
To dull the memories
Taking me back,
As I was supposed to be.

Someone left the gate open
I didn't even try to walk through
No one attempts to understand me
That's why I don't like any of you
I'll read my writes & you'll listen
But I know it's only so you can talk
I'll write out things about me,
But they might as well be chalk
clap clap clap
Clap my dusty words out of your erasers
Clear the air so that you can fill it
With your proverbs, your opnions
You really only care about the importance of your bit
And I don't mind
It happens all the time

My hands smell of laundry soap
Because it's the only thing I've ever known
People stare at my cuticles
I don't look like a juvenile
But I sure feel like I am inside here
Opening my biconvex shapes to peer
At you from where I'm sitting
Wow, your jaw line is so defined
I'm sort of *******.
Because you shouldn't exist.
At least not in my orbit

There you were. To brighten my day.
To trace my skin and bring the light into my eyes.
No God could do this. God is dead.
Desensitized and diffused.
He's not there, he's not real.
But you are. You are solid.
And soulful.
And beautiful.

I'd like to apologize for all the words that I have said.

And for how badly they unraveled when you touched them.

I feel the resin
Coat the inside
Of my lungs
As I say,
"Do not mistake
Me being
Polite
As me being
A pushover."

You take falsities like golden coins.
You take the change they made and stamp it as your own.
Shade, variation, and creative designs are ******* under your eyes.
Importance is only important when it’s green or shiny.
Depending on the donor, the value can change.
People begging you to graze their coins and cast an approving glance.
They know not that you are a fool.
But you are only that, in a teacher’s skin.
You are only a student who learned the incorrect subject.
You are more wrong than a pope with a habit.

Focus.
  It's how perception alters when the
          overlooked explodes with
                                         prominence.

Stretching this vast expanse of past all along.
Smoking tendrils climbing from my mouth.
I only have one face,
                    Plato was wrong.

And kisses linger, but with time, fade away.
I feel my lungs fill with the entirety of it.
Was I only one,
                     *when sculpted from clay?

I don't want to go to sleep

Weeks that stretch to the ends of forever

Because sleeping is weak

Never stopping weeping with the weather

And although I am that epitamy

Lost in the tangles in equal measures

I've been weak for weeks and weeks and weeks

I oftentimes find myself compensating for my creation

As if merely existing is an extraordinarily enormous insult in itself

And my reason for living is to repeatedly apologize for breathing

Because the space I am apart of isn't and never will be where I am wanted

Counterintuitive
A kite's skeleton
Only tiny little
Wisps of rice paper
Still latched onto the frame
Abandoned
The only presence
That of a lowly shadow
So lonely
Resting beside a bin
Hoping the little boy
Will come play with it
Again
But wind wears away skin
And the weight of the world
Pulls you towards the core
The little boy,
Is no longer small
He is old and weary
Time has tugged little
Kite strings of his memory
Away from him
His skin folds in
Tiny little wrinkles
And the kite slowly withers
No longer painted with vibrant
Cherry blossom flowers

She paints her face.
She decorates her shape.
She confiscates her fate.
With shaking grasps.
With irregular gasps.
With her heartbeat fast.
She knows not.
She never forgot.
She straightens, taut.
With little light.
With her fright.
With her eyes.
A creeping nothing.
A dreadful something.
A thought envelops her.

Are you merely entertaining me?
Are you only saying the things you say
Because you think I want to hear them?
If you are,
Then I suggest you stop
Because I don't want to hear lies
Pour out of your mouth
I don't want your stories
And your jokes
To pool around my shoes
And stain them muddy
I don't want you to think what you say
Can fill up my head
And cloud my eyes from the fact
That I'm still guarded
I've got this key locked inside of me
And if you think that you can speak
A door open that doesn't open
Then you are wrong
And you had better turn around and leave
Before I have to make you.

I had a blow out tonight
A literal physical one
But a mental one
Followed soon after

We grow distant as the days begin to fade
I can already feel you forgetting my name

Everything is covered in a thin layer of ash
My lungs
My dreams
Nothing is as it used to seem
Now lay me down to sleep
Just you and I
Choked, by the smoke
Of my mind's demise

I will give you bruises on your body made of pleasure, not of pain.

With nothing but the stars to guide us on our empty ways.

We have been running through the woods like animals we truly are.

In the moon light I am tracing your violet skin that I marred.

Feeling singled out by them
Not allowed to celebrate Christmas with them
Not allowed to say bless you to them
Living alone when the 'rapture' takes them
Sleeping in on Sunday morning without them
Them
them
them
them
What about me?