Are you like        And though
The last one?     Your lips were
I wonder & worry     Very clumsy
If you'll be right,      And fumbled like
Right for me,        I actually made you
At least.          Nervous. You! Nervous!
You were cute,     Ha! What a silly
When you asked     Thought, But, I could
If I needed a      Feel the heat, I didn't
Goodnight kiss.     Mind your fumble
Then I asked      I knew it was sincere, the
If you thought     Thought behind it,
I did.           I touch my lips now,
And you replied     Thinking of it.
I think you do.     And, boy, I haven't
Which was oh,   Touched my lips
So very clever, you       From a kiss
Clever boy.      In a very long time.

She stared at her wall
Filled up with photos
Of friends & family
Their faces marked out
With black marker
So she couldn't see the
Smiles that she believed
Were only made for her
Benefit

A tri-pod death
One-two-three
You should have seen
The way my sister looked at me
It was such a surprise
I looked at her widened eyes
She didn't understand why I cried
Sadness turned to rage
It wasn't her fault, but her age
I crumpled up the page
That brought the news
My parents sister, niece, and nephew
My fists turned black & blue
I was only six years old
Didn't grasp how fire made them cold
Of all these things that I was told
I screamed and couldn't understand
Why God, had used his hand
I think that's when I turned my back
On the promise of his promised land
The hardest part was the coffins size
One for an adult, a teenager, and a tiny child
Older, I later went and apologized
To my sister for the things I said
She didn't remember the words I bled
But it relieved me when she said forgive &
Forget

Raw
Tender
Exposed
Paranormal
Spectre spectacle
Nearly translucent
Wearing a little
Black dress
Oh so lovely,
Nice black stockings
Pale as a little
Ghosty
I'm ever fading
Please,
Pull me back
Into a place
Called 'tangible'
Oh no.
My eyes
Widen with fear
As I disappear
*whoosh

As today passes
I feel a few months back
Where the days
They begin to unravel
And I know I won't
Be able to recall them
When I wake up
Tomorrow

I used to wear my heart upon my sleeve
But then it frayed,
And now I'm left with a pile of string

My hands smell of laundry soap
Because it's the only thing I've ever known
People stare at my cuticles
I don't look like a juvenile
But I sure feel like I am inside here
Opening my biconvex shapes to peer
At you from where I'm sitting
Wow, your jaw line is so defined
I'm sort of *******.
Because you shouldn't exist.
At least not in my orbit

Directly linked to you
I enjoy the feeling
Of cold pillows
But it's ruined
As I feel my life line
Tug like a little string
On the inside of my
Ribcage as you
Move up and down
Jerking my string
With you while
Another string of
Another women
Is in your tightened
Fist

Tonight I realized,
I really am alone.

Cooped up in a mini van
Feeling the tips of your
Fingers
Drumming on the back
Of my neck

I feel like Cruella DeVille,
Smoking a capri
In brand new clothes
Because Christmas
Just happened
Why did, when I opened
All of the gifts from
Family & friends,
Did I long for a person
To step out of a box
And wrap their arms
Around me?
To take them back
To my apartment
So we could sit on
The mattress on the floor
Smoking my little
DeVille cigarettes
And drinking a,
Previously unopened,
Bottle of bourbon
In my now,
Newly gifted
Star Wars mugs

I feel the resin
Coat the inside
Of my lungs
As I say,
"Do not mistake
Me being
Polite
As me being
A pushover."

Look for the point of contact
Savor the moment of friction
She has straight cut bangs
And a necklace that has a
Hamsa hand with an eye in
The middle of the palm
She blinks large blue eyes
That are rimmed with
Long, dark, black eyelashes
She leans her long neck
Her dark, dark hair
Swishes at her pale collar bones
She purses her light, light pink
Lips that have touched to many
Lovely red beating hearts
She puts her skinny fingers on
Your hand from across
The dinner table, across the coffee
And the half-smoked cigarettes
You glance at how the light
Reflects off of all those piercings
Up & down her ears
Her lips part & she says very slowly,
Pronouncing each syllable one by one
"Let-s, ge-t ou-t of he-re."
You throw a *** of cash on the table
Not caring if it's the right amount

"I don't want anymore heartbreak,
                  I'm tired of the sound it makes."

My lungs feel young
As I breathe in this
Lovely air
Even though I
Wish that it was
Candy coated with
Your cologne

The world
Ended
We all
Died
And we
Don't even
Realize it
This is
Hell

I want to be the one
That fills up your
Polaroids
Those polaroids
You keep hidden
In your drawer
That show me
Sitting on the bed
Bare backed
In the sunlight
From the open window
With my head turned
Looking at you

Riding to the post office
On my red Schwinn
My shoes, they have holes
Because they are my favorite
And I won't stop wearing them
Until I get new ones
I'm in weather heaven
And I park my bike &
Hook it up to the bar
That I keep getting yelled at
For hooking it up to
Walk in, wait in line
And there is a baby boy
In a lady's arms, with
Bright blue eyes and
Fiery red hair, as he looks at me
With wide wide eyes
He soaks in everything that I am
His baby brain over sensitive
Firing neurons that make
Him **** in every detail
Overwhelming his little head
And he grins a tiny,
Toothless smile at me
I grin & look away
I wish I could have kids...
I buy my stamps & send a package
To my uncle
Then I go unhook my bike
Ride this weather like
A bird & try not to think
About that fiery red haired child

You are the epitome
Of a cult of personality
To pull the ink out of
A calligraphy pen
And make it shape
Into your face,
Now that would be,
An honour.

When I stand in the sun without makeup
You can see my tiny little purple veins
Like spiderwebs splashed on my eyelids
My pupils are almost as big as the world
And I can see all that it is, all that was
But not all that it is going to be
But I can see,
Oh, baby,
I can see
Standing around and watch people pass
Casually resting on a handrail by the library
They all have worries & cares & no one cares
About any cares but their own, they pretend
I blink my eyes and the world shifts
I can see it shift,
Oh, baby,
I can see it shift.

Swing low,
Sweet chariot
Swoop my heart
Into your arms
And warm
It up enough
To start it
Beating again

I'm not going to hope that it is me.
Because, likely,
It is not.

The song
'Little Bag of Hair'
By the Mystery Jets
It's the only song,
On a playlist
That reads,
Forbidden.

Sometimes,
I feel the urge
To fall in love again.
Then, I think,
better not.

He watched
As some of the
Parents
Put their car
Seats into their
Trunks.
He knew that
Those car
Seats were
Going to be
Empty before
The parents
Came to pick
Their kids
Up...

Sitting outside of Ulta,
A make up store.
Waiting for Brooklyn,
To get done borrowing
Some samples.
The lights in there,
They are very very bright,
And it makes me uncomfortable.
That's why I'm just waiting.
Out here, not in there.
When will I not be so
Ruled by my anxieties?

I've locked myself up,
These past two years.
I'd say I don't blame you,
But then I'd be lying.
Thanks for the gift.
I didn't know you
Could package heartbreak.
It was a little earlier
Than the holidays, but
It loves to open up
On Christmas,
And make me cry
Under the mistletoe.
You wrapped it up,
In beautiful ribbon.
Just like you wrapped me,
Up around your finger,
Two years ago.
Thanks for that.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday,
        Sincerely,
              Amara

Overly prideful
Incredibly flawed
Aware of all the flaws that exist
Poke at them in my mirror
See them more than you do
You might've been able to recognize them
If you had spent 17 years looking at them, too
They say flaws are beautiful
They say it's what makes us human
What if I don't want to be human?
Now what do you tell me?
Hm?

I'm in a closed box
With tape on the top
Don't have any scissors
Have to use my fingernails
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Doesn't work
****
Maybe I should shout?
Let me out?! Let me out!
No one is listening.
I look through the slit
Through the clear tape
I touch my hand to the top
Of my cardboard box
All I see is white outside
I go to curl up a bit
Moving my hand,
But I can't
It sticks
To the top of the box
And I tug & pull
But it doesn't come off
I let out a small sound
I prop my other hand
On the side
And then I realize
That it's now also attached
****
Panic creeps into
The back of my brain
I pull very hard
But to no avail
I start to scream and thrash
As my skin
Touches the box
It sticks
And now I'm still
Still as can be
The box is holding me
Prisoner
The more I tug
The more I feel
Myself getting tugged
Towards it's surface
What is it's purpose?
I put this box in
The back of my brain
Long ago
What was in it?
I really don't know
Or I just can't remember
I'm overly uncomfortable
Then I realize,
I'm in it
And it's trying to consume me
I shouldn't have done it
I put my, myself in this box
And I tossed it into
The back of my brain
I have to refrain
From screaming in pain
As the box let's go of
My skin
I hear the schick schick
Of the tape peeling off
The top of the box
Opens very quietly
I stand up and stretch
Afraid it'll happen
Again
And get out of the box
Before it changes it's mind
And I look around
It's all white
So, this is what the inside of
My head looks like
Boxes upon boxes
Are stacked up like skyscrapers
I see some scissors
Lying beside the now open
Box
I look around again
Then I grab the scissors &
A box,
Slash the tape
Hoping to find all of
Myself again

You keep finding
Yourself
Fawning after her
With doe eyes

She's all sharp edges
And geometric lines
Bold colors
Unraveling in twines
Touch her
And she'll fold up
Like a flower

It's not hard
To find people
Who party
Like it's still 1991
There will always
Be the girls
Who get
Decked out
Get drunk
And pick fights
Guys who flirt
With your skin
On the dance floor
Who take you
To their place
Showing you
Something
You've never known
There will always
Be additives
That make you
Have a great night
Or send you crashing
Without any hope
Of holding on
People take the ride
And it spits them
Out like chewed up
Sunflower carcasses
To live is to be
Free, they say
You give a bird
Too much fly room
And he'll wear
Out his wings
You can dream
About the ***
You'll have
And the girls you'll
never meet
But after all of
The drinking
The smoking
The good time
You still go home
And you still lay in
Your bed
And you still get up
In the morning
With a hangover
And you still feel
Like you are the
Only person
Like you
And you still
Want to be able
To sit around
Without having to
Think about
How lonely you
Really are
Even though
Every night,
You felt like
You were
A exploding
Star

I'm getting a desk tomorrow
To be sitting in a chair
I can write, and paint
I couldn't do those things
Before
Not the way I needed
I need this metaphorical
Structure
I believe that a desk will
Always be a staple in my life
Solid & mine

I want to be sitting on a couch
In a wooden house
Wrapped up in a wool blanket
Watching you as you get up
Feeling the shift of the weight
Watch your pale heels walk
Against the hard wood floor
Your muddled reflection
Shines on the scratches
You disappear behind
The red kitchen walls
And the bangs & noises
That you make,
Make me close my eyes
The aroma of coffee fills the air
And it's winter here
I open my eyes again
I can see a doe in our back yard
Licking the salt stone on the porch
I'm glad we live near the forrest
I'm glad we moved away from the city
You are able to write your songs, now
I close my eyes again
Lean my head back against the cold leather
Breathe in the crisp air
This is a world I share with another
It's ours
Then I hear your footsteps
And your lips are on mine
You are fragrant & cool
You taste like you just licked the spoon
That you stir into your coffee
Which you always do
I'm glad that I know you
And that you know me too

Waking up late
Is the only thing
I'm good at.

Finding myself
Imagining you
Doing things
You say your
Doing

I had a memory of when I was little
That wasn't drudged up by pictures
This is very rare
I used to sleep with a bible in my bed
I thought it would keep the monsters away
Kept it under the sheets at the foot
If only I still believed it worked,
Than maybe,
I'd sleep sounder.

No need to worry
I'm not here
To climb stairs

Follow me down the rabbit hole,
We have a very long way to go
I know you want to turn around
Save her from the porcelain god
That she prays to
But it's too late and she is already gone
I've got things to show you
Things that I trust you to see
I'm taking you with me
So follow me down the rabbit hole,
Slip your hand in mine
I'm going to tug you along through
And there isn't any need to be scared
The monsters in here are only after me
We've passed the rabbit hole & now
I see you looking around
It's a wreck isn't it?
I've let it go to ruin.
Your hand slips out of mine &
You walk towards rows & rows of
Endless houses that are destroyed and sorrowful
I built those once, they were beautiful
They hurt your eyes to look at, don't they?
You stand solid and silent, your eyes drinking in
This landscape that I had made
Then you begin picking things up
Putting things where you think they should be placed.
What are you doing?!
You look at me & say,
'I'm building'
I tug on your shoulder,
Making you drop a piece of debris
Stop, I say
But you aren't listening to me
You smile at me and kiss my forehead,
Then you proceed
I scream and shout and you don't listen
Get out! Get out! Get out!
This isn't what I brought you here for
This is my rabbit hole
All I wanted you to do was see!
You aren't allowed to touch this stuff
THIS IS MINE
I destroyed this for a reason!
I grab you by the collar and tug you with all my force
Your eyes are wide with surprise
For someone so small, I moved you quite a bit
And we make eye contact
I crumple to the ground
And I look around
At all the houses that I built & destroyed
At this toxic wasteland
That is my rabbit hole
My eyes are stained black from tears
I didn't know still ran
I whisper
'Go back to her & her porcelain god.'
'I don't know why I brought you here.'
'Go.'
And you stand there, startled,
Slowly you turn around and leave
My face is buried in my knees
I'm in my rabbit hole
No one else should see.

I* became insane, with long intervals of horrible *sanity.

Are you merely entertaining me?
Are you only saying the things you say
Because you think I want to hear them?
If you are,
Then I suggest you stop
Because I don't want to hear lies
Pour out of your mouth
I don't want your stories
And your jokes
To pool around my shoes
And stain them muddy
I don't want you to think what you say
Can fill up my head
And cloud my eyes from the fact
That I'm still guarded
I've got this key locked inside of me
And if you think that you can speak
A door open that doesn't open
Then you are wrong
And you had better turn around and leave
Before I have to make you.

She paints her face like death
Plague rides on her breath
Spine is a bridge to brain full of rain
Sorrow cruises through her veins
A thousand screaming lovers
Grasp at you from her eyes as she utters,
"Kiss me"

You are very tall, almost too tall.
My neck strains to see your face.
I squint my eyes and ponder
Why there is a bench now in your place.

I look around to find you, where are you?
Sitting on the bench I wonder,
Why was I looking up at you, why didn't I walk?
What was the reason for my blunder?

What was it about your overcast shadow
That made me want to stay
I look around again, to find you
I'm not fond of the games you play

I stand up and put my hands in my coat pocket
And I run a quick hand through my hair
I feel long wiry arms encircling me
Now suddenly you are there.

A bench to a man, and a man to a bench
How are you doing this and why?
I rest my face against your chest
Then you whisper a goodbye

And I'm alone in the cold with a vast
Expanse of snow as far as I can see
Nothing but a bench to sit on
I have a feeling you won't be coming back to
Me