Milka sat on her bicycle
looking at you
the Saturday morning sun
was warm

you'd just finished work
and had met her
by the bridge
where we going?

she asked
we could leave the bikes
at my place
and go into town

to the cinema
you said
what just sit there
in the dark

and not be able
to see each other
or such?
she said

we could ride
to where I used to live
and see the pond there
where I used to fish?

you said
is it far?
she said
not too far

she pulled a face
can't go to my place
she said
my mother's home

as she usually is
no chance
of being alone
with you there

she said grumpily
mine is no good
at weekends
you said

she looked at you
her eyes gazing
the old pond then
it is

she said
and you began to cycle
with her beside you
back up the hill

and by the farmhouse
where she lived
and along narrow lanes
between hedgerows

and birds flying out
and the occasional
car rushing by
she beside you

talking all the way
about how her mother
moans about her
not doing this or that

or not doing
the chores properly
and how her two brothers
tease her

about going out with you
and how you needed
to see a shrink
and you smile

knowing her brothers well
then you're on the main road
and a mile or so
and you are there

and go in
by the back way
along a narrow lane
and into the woods

behind the cottage
where you used to live
and along the narrow ride
through the woods

to the field
and then the pond
which is peaceful
and the water is still

and a few ducks
swim there
and birds sing
from tall trees

you rest the bikes
against trees
and sit on the grass
by the pond

quiet here
you said
we used to call this
the lake

who's we?
Milka said
my old girlfriend and I
you replied

where is she now?
we don't see
each other any more
you said

Milka said nothing
but gazed at the water
of the pond
at the ducks there

and looked
at the fish
just beneath
the surface

did you make out here?
she asked
now and then
you said

why bring me here?
she said moodily
it's quiet
and we can be alone

you said
is that all?
not wanting relive
old memories with me?

she said
you gazed at her
no of course not
that was a different thing

different love
so you say
she said
should we leave then?

you said
she stared at the pond
at the ducks drifting
and the sunlight

through the branches
of tall trees
no
she said

I like it here
she lay down
on the grass
sunlight on her face

her hands resting
on her abdomen
you lay beside her
did you really

make out here?
now and then
did no one see you?
not that we ever knew

you said
she smiled
risky
what if someone had?

we didn't think of that
at the time
bet you didn't
she said

what was it like
the first time?
it's history
you said

we're what matters now
she nodded
yes I guess we are
she said

and the sun shone bright
through the tall trees
and a bird flew by
over head.

Alice stands
in the room
by the stairs,
at the end
of the house;
the low end,
servant's end,
Father said,
don't go there,
but she does.

She goes down
the back stairs,
down long dark
passageways,
watching staff
in their world,
the kitchen,
scullery,
the wash room,
other rooms.

And this room.
She watches
the thin maid
called Mary
ironing.

Why're you here?
Mary asks.

To see you,
Alice says.

Why see me?
Mary asks.

I love you,
Alice  says.

Mary frowns.
You shouldn't
use those words,
Mary says
turning round.

Alice stands
her small hands
in pockets
of her blue
pinafore.

But I do,
I love you.

Why is that?
Mary asks.

You are kind
like Mother
used to be
before she
had to leave.

Mary heard,
rumours spread,
the mother
had to leave,
had problems
in the head,
locked away
so they say,
for a year
and a day.

She'll be back,
Mary says.

Alice sighs,
I love you,
I want you
to stand in
for Mother,
between us,
Alice says.

Mary sits
on a chair,
flushes red,
between us
I can be
I suppose,
Mary says.

Uncertain
of her pledge
she gazes
at the child
standing there.

Need a hug,
Alice says,
motherly.

Mary feels
at a lost
what to do.

Can I sit
on your lap?
Alice asks.

Mary nods
and opens
her thin arms.

Alice walks
to Mary
and climbs up
on her lap,
lays her head
on Mary's
silky *******,
smells apples
and green soap.

Mary hugs
her closer,
kisses on
the child's head.

Love you, too,
Mary says.

Our secret,
Alice says,
none must know.

None will know,
Mary says,
just we two.

Nanny's voice
echoes down
the passage
Best go now,
Mary says,
learn for me
at lessons,
do your best,
my daughter
adopted.

Alice nods,
kisses quick,
then goes up
the back stairs
out of sight.

Seen Alice?
Nanny asks.

Not at all,
Mary lies,
sees the dark
cruel eyes
scan the room.

She'll be pained
if she's caught
down this end,
Nanny says.

Then she gone,
her black skirt
swishing loud,
the black shoes
going click,
clack, click, clack.

Mary gives
a rude sign
with fingers
behind fat
Nanny's back.

The news has just come

He’s dead.

In his garden the flowers bloom

Oblivious

He’s no more.

His house breathes sorrow

He would have boarded the train today
and come back tomorrow!

Come back he will now

Whitened in frozen breath

Silently receiving
Untimely wreath!

She and their son
Brutally torn
Will enter not a house but hell
Without him but with his smell
Each object still warm
With his touch of care

And their wails
will rend the night air!

Come brother let’s sit under memory’s canopy
Walk down olden times chatter childishly
Forgetting the ravaged mind the years’ tempest
Retrieve the tender moments in heart's youthful jest!

Come brother let’s hold hands like the days of yore
Walk down to find that house knock on its door
It must still be standing in the sun whitewashed clean
Waiting for us to go back dig out treasures within!

Come brother let’s go back to that half-lit classroom
Where the walls bear our scribbles the blackboard our gloom
The air still must breathe there our voice and hidden sigh
Unmended is the windowpane through which we stole the sky!

Come brother let’s go back to our childhood’s playground
Where small feet kicked dust at day end turned homebound
It craves our splashing touch contemplates the placid stream
The two that no more come remembered only in dream!

Come brother let’s once more take that precious ride
Tug each other’s heartstrings bring out the child inside
Forgetting the weathered skin the worry beaten face
Go hunting for the lost treasure of unshackled happiness!

Set aside that woman,
The one I use to be,
the girl with twisted smiles,
and wild eyes and loud laughter.
Replaced her with a stranger,
serving supper like a servant.
In search of that glass slipper,
the one that is suppose to fit.
Losing confidence in what made me, me.
Thinking that this stranger was the better woman to be.

What happens,
Every time I let you back in.
I am alone and sad.
Infinitely.
And I wait for the day to come but it never does. For the big hole in my heart to go away,
but you make it bigger.
I should love myself more.
More than you.

smoke licks the walls,
seep through the cracks,
finding me on the other side,
I inhale,
tasting you at the back of my throat,
hard in my head,
I float.
Blood cells go black,
I fade,
into bright embers,
return to the earth.

You think
Girls
Give you
Power

You think
They
Let you
Down

Make up
Your
Mind and
Realize

She will
Never
Mess
Around