I spent so many years just counting minutes in my head
and chasing after Time in ways that almost left me dead
I pushed the pedal forward harder than I knew I should
the faster I could get through this, the better, for my good

I followed ticks and tocks of clocks wherever I would go
and learned to read their exit signs so nobody would know
that in my head, an hour more meant many hours less
with all the things I know I need to face and not forget

…

If I could meet myself again when I was twenty five
I’d only check the part of me I thought was always right
I’d have a conversation with myself in such a way
that broke my heart completely so that it could be remade

I’d stay for every question I know now I should have asked
I’d offer up the answers that I wish I would’ve had
If I could meet myself again when I was twenty five
I think my heart would be the same, I’d only change my mind

I know what you meant when you said what you said
“she’s doing what’s Godly by breaking her bread”
but I’d rather eat all the crumbs on the floor
than feed my own body the things I abhor  

like inactive waters and fish that can’t swim
and people who lie about who they have been
I’d rather let Science and Numbers guide me
and put all my faith in the things I can’t see

things ever-evolving, that teach me and prove
I change as a person when I search for Truth
I know what you meant when you said you would help —
your plate is so full , I’ll take mine somewhere else

You molded a body to dress up my soul
when I began breathing, that’s when You let go
and not out of anger or doubt but in spite
of all of the ways I’d betray You in life

You made me a human but tethered my heart
to that which is True if I did fall apart
if I lost my senses or leaned into noise
I’d never lose faith or the strength to rejoice

You gave me a mind that could question away
the strife my whole body can feel in one day
You gave me the answers whenever I asked
tonight is no different — and this too, shall pass

the yoke that put its weight on me has never touched my neck
has never told a story I could easily recollect
the words were always simple but the difficulty was
the burden of the proof I had to carry with my tongue

I had to find a way to silence voices in my ear
and all the while pretend that I could make them disappear
so I became my burdens and I let them weigh me down
I put them on my neck and said, “I’ll let you have me now”

the yoke became the part of me I learned to live inside
a gentle sleight of hand that ushered peace into my mind
the burden said, “I’ll take it,” but the burden didn’t know
the weight of every part of me was hidden in the yoke

I found myself remembering the past and present days
and thought about my nature and the way that I was raised
I learned to seek a certain kind of solace in the depths
of where it was I came from ‘fore I ever took a breath

Consistencies were born in me before I ever was
I reveled in the pureness they poured out into my blood
I look for them to this day still, and fight the urge to say
the sea outside my body carries inconsistent waves

I studied every callus on the palms of both my hands
and they brought me to places that I longed to understand
where memories were blurred under the layers of the lies
I always heard you spreading when I opened up my eyes

If I remembered anything, I’d keep it to myself
for fear that if I spoke out loud, I’d never breathe again
I kept my thoughts as covered up and quiet as I could
and pressed my hands together through the bad and through the good

And so became the calluses that formed on both my palms
the ones I had to study every layer of because
I needed what was quiet not most ruinous in me
to keep my hands in motion and to put my mind at ease