When two people love each other
And they aren't together
You ask them why
The say "because it's hard"
But is it not harder
To stay apart?

- 01/09/19

Sometimes I wonder..
What would the world be like if I wasn't here?
Would there still be sunshine..
And rainbows?
Or would it just be darkness and despair?
What am I thinking
My presence makes no difference
I'm not worth as much as people think
And I guess I just have to respect that
Even though my conscience tells me otherwise

He tells me I'm worth it
I face the other direction
He tells me I can
I drown myself with doubts
When will I realize
That I am my own enemy.

- 12/04/19

Lately it's been like I've been stuck in this hole
Drowned in depression
Filled with anxiety
My presence resembles a balloon
Busted by pain
Pulled by responsibilities
Sometimes it feels like everyone is out to get me
But I sit back and realize
God is on my side.

- 12/12/19

Between the seabreeze and the horizon
Between the mountains and the skyscrapers
Between sunrise and sunset
I will always be with you.

- 02/22/19

You left me mentally already
So just tell me
When are you going to leave me
Physically too?

- 04/22/19

I don't know what's wrong with me
I am stuck in this storm of thoughts
I am drowning in pain and fear
I can't stand to look at your face
Or hear your voice
It hurts me to look at your picture
Even after six years
You are still on my mind every single day
But why did you have to leave me?

- 12/03/19

I just want to surrender my battle with reality
My survival is in desperate need of succor
I need comfort
I need relief
I need the continual presence of protection
From my own mind
My own self
How difficult is it
To cross oneself
And manage
Every
Single
Day?

- 08/21/19

Take my hand
Come explore the world with me
Let me bring you to the deep thoughts
And the vivid memories
Carefully placed on the timeline
Of me
Just so you can clearly see
Why I am the way that I am
And you can understand
What to do with me
So take my hand
And let's travel
This complex world
This unknown land
And learn together
Because I'm still trying to understand me too.

- 04/21/19

Sometimes I feel like I am at a lost of words, dwelling in this writers block. Other times, I think maybe it is because I do not want to truly face my emotions, because of the pain that life has caused me. I do not want to regress back into a negative state so I take life as it comes and continue to move forward, but sometimes I feel like I am disregarding how I truly feel. I am running away from my own self such as a coward simply because I do not want to be an adult and handle the thoughts that go through my mind, so I turn the other way and act like all is fine. How can I expect someone else to give my emotions and I acknowledgement and respect when I can't even do the same?

- nsw 03/15/22

Introverted
Do you know how it feels to be all alone
There are times
Where my mother pushes me to go out
And make more friends
But how am I supposed to follow her advice
When she's the same as me?
As a team, we aid each other into branching out
There are times where I force her to attend social events
And she tells me to join groups
Over time, we both began to take advice
My friends showed me a different side of life
And as for my mother,
She's happily engaged
I am in highschool
And she is in her 40's
Yet internally, we're still the same

- 12/05/19

Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, and wonder where you belong in this world?
In a way where you feel like your purpose has not been found and that time is escaping you quickly?
Where everyone around you is dropping like flies at such a young age and you feel as if it could be so easy for you to be next?
Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, and think to yourself how you have taken steps towards your goals, and sometimes doubt that it will even matter in the end?
If today was the day that you got put to rest, would there be waves of loved ones behind you in tears, or are they just acquaintances with a guilty heart?
Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, force yourself to get back up and continue to reach towards what you desire out of this world, even with the lack of motivation and laziness you have been drowning in?
I wish I could do the same.
Pain and fear has immobilized me from leaving the corner of my room.

- nsw 03/15/22

I really hope you never get to know me
I want to remain as a little mystery
Doesn't matter our relationship
When someone gets close to opening the gates
To your complex mind and individuality
They begin to take advantage of your reality
So I try to act accordingly
But by then it's too late
So I really hope you don't understand me
I want to remain as a puzzle
That needs to be taken time out for
A mystique to those around me
An obscurity of intricacy
I don't want you to know me.

- 12/12/19

Everything is rooted from your mind.
Everything is rooted from your mind.
Everything is rooted from your mind.

Last night I had a dream
..It was more of a message
A letter from my father
I haven't seen him in years
His voice was unknown
But hearing this note
And seeing his visage of joy
It took away all of my fears
But brought me my fate
You see.. my father passed away
Just about six years ago
But in that vision he was full of life
It was like he arose from the deathbed
Soon I woke up
And the only thing I could say
Was alhamdulilah

- 12/12/19

I am going through these phases in my life at the moment,
Easing into them and learning not to stress, I am often reminded that life stops for no one, and it adds upon the feeling.
I am taking it day by day yet sometimes my mind takes control over my body, and I feel like I am stuck in this realm of disturbance and agony.
The concept of change is an alternative reality for me, and I feel like I am heavily lacking in the sense of understanding that this is the stage of adulthood.
Time is taking me over day by day and sometimes I can't even imagine myself growing older, and it is almost my time. I feel like I have cheated death for the past four years, and that I am an outsider on this land.
The disturbance and agony quickly grows into suicidal and depression with no way of escaping. Slowly, I feel like I am deteriorating in my own body, and at this point in time,
I am letting go of myself, and putting all things above me.

I just apologize if I have ever wronged you, pray for me and forgive me.

My head has been spinning around for what it feels like ages.
Constant thoughts hiding behind one another
It feels as if I am running through these circles, rampaging through the events occurring within my life
I do not understand the meaning of fun, or enjoyment.
I live life on the daily to experience, not knowing what exactly I am searching for.
My life is full of purpose, but I have yet to find what I am on this earth for.
My mind tells me that I am finally enough, and my body is entering the door of self-love, I am fully content with my natural self.
I am in control of my mind, but of that I need reassurance.
Sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough.

I was always seen to be different
Growing up, it was like I was stuck in another realm
From a young age, I had to teach myself
But not only myself, my parents too
It was like everyone was depending on me
And to my parents, this was all new
You see, here's my story..
My parents were immigrants who left their homes
For a better opportunity
Now it's like I'm apart of this disheartened community
Of distress and despair
Wishing someone could take my hand
Cross the bridge
And take me there
Everything that I have taught myself
No matter what lessons I learned
And how I managed past
At the end of the day,
I still had to sit there
And teach them how to teach me
So they wouldn't be outcasts
Being a child of an immigrant
Or even one yourself
Is more of teaching your own through life
And that was something
Nobody had signed up for

The weekdays are a blur
The ends are when reality hits

For five days I'm numb to my pain
I feel okay
Daylight to night
But right as that sixth day enters
I feel an overwhelming wave
Of sadness and despair
All the joy inside of me during the week is demolished

I lose myself in the darkest times
The nights, the ends, and the dark

Where do I go ?

- 04/21/19

It is my life
My fate
So why do you try hard
To change the outcome
To try to fight what's coming
Let things be for once.

- 08/17/19

I want to be loved in the way my daddy loved my mom.
I want to be loved in a way where I won't ever have to question your feelings.
I want to be appreciated in a way where I truly feel appreciated.
I want to be appreciated in a way where it benefits the both of us, no matter our relationship.

I lay down
I wonder what I have done to deserve this
It seems with every positive there comes three negatives
One step forward and a million steps back
Will life always be like this
I question my worth often
I've lost my faith
My hope has been demolished
The candle is still burning
The light to guide through the tunnel
And that is all I have

- 02/22/19

A few years back
I lost myself
I became somebody who wasn't me
I did things I wasn't proud of
I had memories I did not need to think of
But every single day
I get reminded of it

Every single day
I see a headline
Of another girl that had gotten *****
Another victim of overdose
Another suicidal attempt
How do I know
That I'm not next?

- 04/21/19

Lots of time has passed..
My mind has become clear
I feel refreshed and energized
But one thing that stays in my mind daily
Is how untrustworthy everyone is
How others can love you to your face
But be plotting behind your back
The ones you are closest to,
Hurt you the deepest

I've come to the realization that I found myself, and I can only trust myself. Everyone is on their own journey, with every man to himself, so who am I to expect they'll treat me with same respect?

Sometimes I feel like time is escaping me and the world is disabling me from my true self.
I am in immense pain all throughout my body and sometimes it feels as if it is a slow and painful death.
I have seen the angels and I have felt their presence grab me within my dreams.
I've seen my past memories flashing by, and at this moment in time I can say that I am prepared.
Sometimes I feel like time is escaping me, but I feel like I am the one disabling me from my true self.
Maybe this is just a sign to keep going, and this is not really the end.

- nsw 03/15/22

Pain only develops if you let it. People only hurt you if you let them. Your mind is so powerful that you are capable of never being in pain again, think about it.

I gave 9 months to you.
You led me on, told me you wanted to be with me, and all of that was a lie.
The worst part of it all was that I had to pull your true feelings out of you.
You were someone I really trusted, and really loved
It hurts to look back and relive our memories, and realize that half the times we were even together, you felt unsure about me.
It hurts to hear that you already moved on a couple of days after we were done.
It hurts to know that you are completely happy without me, and that I did not even leave any dent in your life.
It hurts to feel like I was so useless to you, and that you could not even reassure me otherwise.
It hurts, because I expected so much out of you.
You acted like you were such a grown man, who is a great communicator, but in reality..
You're one of the most childish mentality than I've ever met in a person.

Maybe you’re the reason why I’ve kept myself working
One day you were the best thing that came into my life
And the next you gave me the worst heartbreak
Taking me back to a state I swore I would never be at again
I can’t believe I let myself get hurt the way you did me
& it’s worse because you don’t even care.
You live your days with joy and laughter
While mine are constantly filled with thoughts and memories of you
You didn’t deserve me..
You never did.
But I gave you another chance because I had seen the potential
And look where that took me.

- nsw

Me and You
A small little melody
Of joy and warmth
Happiness and growth
I love you
You love me
How much better could things be

- 11/30/19

Lately I've been distracting myself
So I don't have to feel what I feel
Lately I've put emotions to the side
So I don't have to feel what I feel

It's hard living when you're depressed
And what's the point of being sad?
I constantly remind myself that it's just a waste of time
But sometimes
It catches up to me

- 07/14/19

Tell me the beauty of this life without pain. Explain to me how we are to be immensely grateful of things that are easily accessible when we see them, every single day. Talk with me about the wonders of how life would be if time was of our essence in the virtue of prosperity. Stimulate my mind by discussing the endless possibilities of what our true purpose is, and how we will reach our objective. When you sit back and realize that this dunya (world) & haya (life) is temporary, you will understand that the temptations deriving from our peers daily, are here to set us onto the wrong path. The road frequently traveled that we choose to follow is filled with mistakes and bad dealings, yet we allow this in hopes of gaining happiness, joy, excitement. When it is understood that the world's answers are right in front of our eyes, just needing to be recognized, we will be full of power. Let me be your light.

- nsw 08/17 11:57 pm

If you knew me in the past
You wouldn't recognize who I am today
The depression took over me years ago
But now I have control
The anchor off the boat has been let loose
I am undefeated
So if you knew me in the past
You don't know me now
I am not the same person
She is a stranger
And I am someone who is not lost anymore
I found myself.

- 12/12/19

Sometimes I feel like my mind is corrupting
Constant thoughts being hidden
Behind the surface of my driven smile
Drained from the manipulation by my peers
The continual run-throughs over my beautiful heart
Maybe I just need to recognize the individuals I am in contact with
See through their half-assed efforts
Steer myself away from their egotistical thoughts
My mind is simply distorted
But not because of self-corruption, but more
Because of deception and persistent pain
Needing to be recognized for my efforts
My worth, my power
Soon my mind will be in its golden form
Healed from the core
& that is when I will become truly unstoppable.

- nsw 08/17 11:46 pm

Look at that photograph
Of that typical beautiful girl
Who hides her pains behind her smile
Her actions behind her words

Take a look in her brain
And you'll see a whole different side of her
Constant questions of self-worth
Heightening self-deprivation

But through the photo
You don't realize
Her mother was abusive
Her father was dead
Her brothers were just like her mother
She was alone

And that is the gift of pictures
They never share the deeper meaning
Of the story you would like to share
But were never able to

- 02/22/19

I have searched for self-love for years, and now I can greatly say that I am in love with myself. I am confident in my own body, in my own mind.

I'm not a poet. I don't feel like one at all. I just like to twist my thoughts together to form sentences, but often times I get lost in my imagination of what could've been.
Though I provide beauty through my words, I lack in caring for my mental picture. These thoughts of mine are pushed to the back of my mind and because of this, terms do not flow so easily, delaying my poetry into bliss.
I believe that I just rearrange letters in a variety of ways to encompass the thoughts running through my mind, without providing the concept of vulnerability so I remain unknown.
I am terrified of letting an individual get to know me, especially when 2022 became the year of nonchalance and breaking hearts.
I'm not a poet. I don't feel like one at all. I simply just state what everyone else is thinking, onto a piece of paper for the public to read.

- nsw 08/18 12:14 am

Is it really so bleak
Everything around me
So..grim
I am in dire need of a weapon
I am insupportable to myself
Intolerable to the pain
That runs through my body
This blood gushing out of me
When will I see my afterlife fantasy?

- 08/21/19

A seed
Most carefully placed
Into the soil
Watered
Lightened
Grown
This is a representation
Of what you did
To me

- 04/10/19

It seems so simple and effortless to become a poet
Just write out your emotions and be vibrant with the pain through your words
Simple enough..
Now what about when you're trying to hide your adversities..
While trying to be transparent about your feelings?
Or how about performing in front of large groups of people..
While trying to detain your tears and imprison the pain
Is it still so uncomplicated?

Poetry is a gift..

i'm too afraid
to tell you
how i really feel

so i'll hide behind
small jokes
and soft phrases

i'm too scared
if i ask you
"do you feel the same
about me?"
your reply will be

"not yet."

I hate showing my emotions.
I don't like other people getting the satisfaction of knowing how I feel and having that over me.
I have been gaslighted, manipulated, emotionally abused.
So how much of a fool would I be, to sit here and become vulnerable with another human being.. who has the power to do that to me again?

When I was younger.. there was a part of me
Who used to see broken glass and holes in walls
Growing up, I had all this rage
With no outlet or control
I realized as I had grown
That all this came from what I used to see
The daily abuse, arguments, and accusations
Things no child should be near
It caused me to grow up with this anger
Channeling it towards those who don't care for me
I acted out of neglection
As an addictive obsession
Wondering who would come and save me

- 12/05/19

This Earth is a vacation.
Pack your bags, but only bring a few suitcases.
Travel lightly, because you are not staying long.
60, 70, 80 years max, with an eternal life in Heaven.
This Earth is temporary, yet we make it seem like
- Every obstacle in our path is the end of the world
- Flaunting what we have, even though it won't stay
- Not understanding the true meaning of relationships
Although every tangible thing is temporary,
So are people, any moment could be a person's last
Yet we hold these petty grudges and
Disrespect straight to the face..
Then mourn and regret as we're taking them to the grave.
This Earth is a vacation, so let's act like it.

Vent after vent, constantly being told "I feel you"
But do you really? Do you really feel me?
Do you know how it feels to be a burden upon your own family?
To have everyone you love and care for, be gone...
In just a single moment?
To consciously be afraid of the past, the present, the future
But you know YOU feel me, so tell me, what can I do besides just own it?
I need help.

Day after day, I'm told "be grateful, you have everything"
But when will you put it together
That I am grateful
That graciousness is not mixed with depressiveness
I just need help.

Minute after minute, I'm told "the time is ticking
The age is blinking
The seconds are slipping"
And I
I'm simply lost
I just need help.

It's like I'm screaming for assistance but there is nobody around to hear me
I'm trapped in my own body
The words coming out of my mouth do not match the thoughts going through my head
The values in my brain do not match the ones in my heart
I'm easily mistaken
The world awakens
And I
I am unshaken
I just need help.

- 10/15/18

I should really start to take my own advice
It's like I have this power
Of saying these words into my poetry
Having my audience listen and understand
But deep inside
I don't even listen to myself
I ignore my own emotions
I ignore my own existence
Now how's that for a poet

- 12/03/19

Years ago, if you told me that I would still be alive here today in 2021, I would not believe you. The rough patches of my past had taken over me many times, but if you sat here with me today, and told me that I would be okay, I would not believe you. If you told me how confident, loving, and happy I am today, I would not believe you. I was so stuck in my mind that I never let myself feel properly. I ran away from my thoughts, so if you told me today that I have healthy coping mechanisms and if you told me that I would be thriving today, I would not believe you at all. But guess what?

It's true.

I appreciate your presence
Along with everything you do
Your kind words presented towards me by your soft heart
Your gifted brain helping me understand topics I'm not too familiar of
...Including myself.
I am falling completely in love with you and I'll say it proudly.
What caught me the most about you, is that you treat me the same as you did when we first met.
That's how I know I can trust you, because you treat me with the exact same love and respect every single day.
I'm still learning to be free with you
I'm learning to love you
I'm learning to trust you
And I wouldn't want to do any of this for anyone else.

This year is full of constant changes. New feelings and experiences, I will get hurt and I will be happy, it is life and I realize that. I forgive myself for my mistakes of this past year, and I forgive those who have hurt me as well. This new year will be fresh, and without any grudges, I am releasing my past from my mind. I am proud of the person that I have become, and I am ready to move on without any mental damages, and any shackled conversations or uncomfortable feelings. I know what I deserve and I will get what I deserve. This year forward, everything is about me, and only me. My future, my joy. Affirmations.

4:46 am and I feel like time is escaping me
The world is disabling me
My exponential growth
Is containing the beast inside of me

4:46 am and I'm laying here wondering if it is all worth it
Will things really get better
Or is that just a phrase
To shut those battling inner fights up

4:46 am and I just got slapped with a small "it will get better"
And a tight "just have hope"
You told a depressed one something that seems
So simple to say
But so hard to do
In terms that'll make me seem okay
*******

- 03/12/19

My teddybear is my best friend
You may think that I'm caught in my childhood
Maybe that I'm just immature
But this teddybear has been here for me throughout all my years
Beginning from when my father gifted it to me at the age of 7
Leading up to my fathers death at the age of 12
All the way until now.. at the age of 18
This teddybear is sentimental and seen to me as a blessing
Each night that I used to be crushed in between my thoughts
Begging for a way out of my mind, my bear held my hand
He clutched my heart with such pureness, and would indicate me to take my time to heal
My teddybear is the representation of my father.

You hurt me to the point where I began to feel numb.
God had risen up and shown me plenty of signs but I ignored them all because I wanted you.
I passed through all of the pain and all of the nights crying myself to sleep wondering how you felt about me.
I loved you more and more everyday, I sacrificed things for you, I was genuinely here for you.
You led me on with no remorse, you didn't even bother to come back and check up on me.
I told you my past, I explained how I was afraid, I opened up and showed you my pain..and all you did was reenact my torture
So forgive me if I act like you are a stranger, and forgive me if I treat you as if I never wanted you
That is how you know that you hurt me to my core, and the worst of it all, was that it was unexpected.
..you were the one that told me to expect the unexpected.