I feel
Lonely
Even though I'm surrounded by plenty
Who claim they're here for me

I feel
Shaken into my bone
Please take me home
Back to the old me
The person I used to be

I feel
Ashamed
Of myself
Of who I let take over me
How my emotions alternate

It feels
As if
When the sun becomes the moon
My happiness switches to loneliness
And I lose myself

-  04/20/2019

Give it up to me
To be the one
Who lets herself down
Causing her own pain
Dragging her own heart
Demanding affection from those
Who act like they care
Killing my own individuality
Many times I drop myself
I lose my dignity and my purpose
Life is so much more
Than unwanted emotions and hesitant people
Waste my time
I need to stray away
With the way things are going right now
Sometimes I am afraid
That I won't even make it to the next day.

- 12/04/19

Why do people feel like they have a right to control you?
I do not care who you are, but I am my own person.
I am not obligated to respond to calls, texts, and if I am not in the mood to hang out, then there's your answer.
In this generation, everyone is so backed up on the wrong things.
My mental health and my priorities come before anything else, and that doesn't matter whether you're a friend, family, or a significant other.
I live my life for me, and I will continue to please myself in the way that I want to.
So, again, forgive me if the shoe fits to you.. but I came into this world alone, and that is how I will leave.
The things happening in my life are a self-battle, so I have to make sure I do things for me.

My teddybear is my best friend
You may think that I'm caught in my childhood
Maybe that I'm just immature
But this teddybear has been here for me throughout all my years
Beginning from when my father gifted it to me at the age of 7
Leading up to my fathers death at the age of 12
All the way until now.. at the age of 18
This teddybear is sentimental and seen to me as a blessing
Each night that I used to be crushed in between my thoughts
Begging for a way out of my mind, my bear held my hand
He clutched my heart with such pureness, and would indicate me to take my time to heal
My teddybear is the representation of my father.

Before I met you, I was completely fine.
I was learning to love myself, and I was on a good path.
You becoming an addition to my everyday future, was a blessing in the beginning.
Now I just look at you, and our relationship as a curse.
I had the signs placed right in front of my eyes, but I was too blinded by the way I had felt about you
All for what?
All for you to leave me in the end, to treat me as if you never cared
..To move on, like our relationship, our time spent together had meant nothing to you.
I had so much pain for the past month, that I did not even know how to handle it.
The one person I talked to every single day, who I confided in, trusted, turned back around and hurt me.
So I felt lonely, and you knew that, but yet you still went ahead and moved on with your life..
You were the person that I thought I was going to be with for a long time
You were the one that showed me many things and I don't regret our relationship, but I do regret it being with you.
Because before you even came into my life, I did not want a relationship.
But now I know how a woman should be treated, and I will never let anyone give me less than I deserve ever again.
I was head over heels over you, and none of that was reciprocated.
So now because of you, I have to deal with many other issues in my life, and the biggest one of all.. is that you broke my trust.

At the end of the day
You only have yourself
Everybody is so worried about themselves
They forget about others
And those others
Are the ones desperately begging
For help to come their way

And you shun them
So don't mind me if I say
I feel alone
But I won't say a word
Because words might start the battle
But actions are the swords

- 04/20/19

How is it that I write such words
Healing others through my poetry
Yet my poems do not help me
The one in need

- 06/08/19

"Why did you distance?"
Your absence is my presence
Of reality
Endearment
I want to know you
Love you
How am I supposed to do such
When you act like you don't care?
Your disassociation from my body
Was what caught me
The real reason I distanced

- 12/11/19

I was abandoned
Betrayed
Kidnapped
From my own self

Unknown
A mistaken reality
Lack of me
A stranger to my own self

- 03/25/19

It is now 12 am
I used to be asleep by 9..maybe 10.
Lately my thoughts have clouded my mind
My emotions have puzzled my body
I began to sleep throughout the day
Write poems and suffer through tears throughout the night
I don't feel like myself..
Maybe it's just a temporary suspicion
I reminisce and realize that..
I have been searching for her.. she is lost
I look both sides and beg you to please help me.
I lost me.

Everytime I close my eyes I see my beauty mark..
Not the beauty portrayed on the outside
Nor the one that can be snatched easily with depression and anxiety
But my beauty is shown within my words
The way I communicate my emotions with a notepad and a puzzled mind
Others might say the beauty comes from my body
Or maybe just because I'm pretty
But my looks do not define me
My beauty is shown through my talent
I am underrated and determined
I communicate my emotions with a soft heart and some paper
You cannot define me.

I gave a man everything that I had to give
Money that I barely had
Time I couldn't waste
Decisions I couldn't make
When he lost his peace, I found it and I dragged it all the way back to him
I showed him a different view of the world without even leaving the city
He told me that I was so kind, so sensitive.. he loved it, but noticed that anyone could hurt me.
After a few months and a falling out, I had thought it was best that we don't talk anymore
He said that I was too possessive, too crazy because I didn't want him disrespecting our relationship
He said I was too sensitive and took little things too far
And that's when I began to understand that people will begin to hate those same qualities they used to love about you
It leaves you so unsure of yourself, your personality
I question the values of words
Those soft "I love you's" or "I'm here for you"
It doesn't mean anything to me because people change.
Who knew unconditional love could be so.. conditional?
People don't admit to hurting you and instead.. they go aloft and frame you as if it was all your fault
Convincing yourself you were so toxic in order to alleviate their own guilt
People turn your better qualities against you.. such as kindness and transparency.
Your passion will be overwhelming
Your concern will be possessiveness
Your kindness will be naivity
Your love will be too much.
I've learned that the more intuned you are to their emotions, the better the love will be
We are made to feel, not lock away our emotions
It is how we communicate, how we view the world.. and people
It's how we remind ourselves that we're alive
So nobody is "too sensitive"
In a world where everybody is cold in the heart and
So amazed by living with no emotions
We are viewed as "moody" "possessive" "sensitive"
We need vulnerability, we need people who embrace their own feelings and recognize the weight of them
I resent the idea that I need to change, to harden my feelings just because I might be too complicated for a person to deal with
We like to think that we can just turn off our emotions when we're hurt.. in pain..
We go on and we always lose, because we're not machines.
So I will not change, I'll stay as being too sensitive
Because others can't find it in themselves to appreciate me, doesn't mean that I've lost my worth
I know you're here with me.

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

My past memories and experiences come to haunt me on the daily.
I am crept up at the most unusual times and placed with a wave of sadness over my head.
In these times where I am being tested and I am caught up in the pain of my past, I realize.
That it is called my past for a reason.
I am now in the present, in a much better, gifted state.
I am confident, loved, beautiful, and I will get everything that I desire in this life.
Ya Allah, I just pray that you help me through my journey.
Ya Allah, all I yearn for is constant positivity throughout any experience that I go through
Ya Allah, I pray that my father, my mother, and my brothers wake up everyday, being proud of their little princess.

You've never been hesitant in helping me in my time of need, and sharing your wisdom. You've always allowed me to operate in my manner of comfort, yet you also push me further.. out of my zone. You've believed in me when it felt like the whole world was against me. You reminded me that I have potential, that I am fierce.. in those times where I would doubt myself and what I have to offer. You've been my light, my guiding candle through this tunnel of darkness. You've stuck with me every single day.. making sure that I was okay, giving me advice when I need it, listening to me.. which is more special to me than the rest. You listen. I know sometimes I can be petty, and stubborn. I know sometimes I say I'm okay when I'm not. I know sometimes I get upset at things that don't even make sense, I'm very emotional.. and that's okay. I'm still learning you the same way you're learning me. I just want to thank you for staying with me, beside me.. every single day. You are cared for, you are appreciated, and you are loved.

It gets draining trying to have conversations with people who go out of their way to look for something to complain about.
It gets draining trying to even converse with others when you aren't in the right state of mind to.
It gets draining to have to start over and learn everything about another person.
It gets draining to take things back to square one and become vulnerable with yet, another person
Who's just going to end up leaving again..

My tears spell 'goodnight'
My heart is aching in pain
My mind says "I can't rest"

I guess it's just a matter of time
But also when I'm ready

Scared for what life has in store for me
Just one peep at the future
Giving me so much motivation
I'm tired
Of being the disappointment of everyone
Sometimes I want to end it all
Because I do not know how much more I can take
I love me
But it feels like nobody else does
So why waste my own energy

- 03/30/19

God has placed you into my life for a reason
There's no way we met with no true meaning.
The way every moment was carefully placed on the timeline.
How any tiny change could've lost our chances of meeting each other.
I'm more than blessed. You are the one person I can rely on.
I know it sounds odd because I've only truly known you for such little time..
It says a lot because everyone else in my life has been unreliable.
I wish you could step into my body, understand my mind
And see how much you mean to me.

It feels like
A knife
Continuously going back and forth
Through my body
It's slowly killing me
A painful death
Where's my escape ?

- 03/25/19

No matter what other traumatic experiences may occur in my life
I feel I've gone through more than enough
I'm intact with my emotions and I am in control of my mind
My anger will not overbear me
My sadness will never take over again
I'm growing.

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
I have not done anything throughout the whole day
Maybe it's the depression
I feel as if I have these weights placed onto my chest
And each night when I hit my bed they begin to get removed
Each morning they are replaced cyclically
I need to get out of this state
It's like I'm confined into this mentality
My thoughts have become clouds and my words have become swords
My brain is suffering systematically
My communication has caught ropes and my energy has been strapped its peace

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
But I have not done anything all day
Maybe it's the depression.

Life works in amusing ways
How the rich get more aid than the poor
How the boys are told to "man up"
The girls being ordered to "stand down"
How the women can't suffice with their own independency
Men not being able to cope with traumatic emotions
Soon it becomes an addictive normality
You gaze and begin to wander
Will you become what is expected of you?
Or will you put yourself to an elevated standard
Suffer the consequences now only to alter the system later

We can't let humanity define us.

When you realize that your only limitation is your imagination..
You become more capable of pushing yourself further
Taking the path that is the best for you and your future
With time you find, that it was the best **** realization you've ever made.

Once upon a time
I was stuck in a tunnel
More deep than you may realize
It was like a maze
And those grieving were the ones
Stuck inside

As time had passed
The tunnel had grown
Deeper & deeper I got stuck
With no aid
No guidance
I had just given up

Then came along a boy
He was the light through the tunnel
The aid that was needed
The angel set out for me

He held my hand
Took me through the dirt
Across the horizons
And showed me life

This is a story of the time I felt
Happy
Pure
Loved.

But sadly we don't talk anymore.

- 02/22/19

For years I've put my emotions to the side for the sake of my mother.
For years I've dealt with the annoyance, the disrespect, the pain that you've caused me.
For years I've put you and your feelings over my own, just because I know you've been through a lot.
But let me make it clear with you.. you took advantage of me and my kindness.
Just because you have been through pain since early on in this life doesn't mean you get to disrespect everyone around you.
Your ego is extremely high and you believe that everyone is beneath you.
Not to mention, you brought your wife into this home.. let her think that she has authority over all of us.. as if we even need either of you
Well heads up, nobody owes you anything.
I cannot wait until the both of you move out of this home
Because if it's not you two soon, it's definitely going to be me.
I'm beginning to put myself over others for the first time now
And I could care less about my absence causing pain on anyone
Because none of you were appreciated with my presence.
Just because I was born and raised near you
Just because we have the same parents
Just because we may share the same blood,
Doesn't make you my brother.
You've caused me a great deal of pain, more sadness than anybody in my life has.. and trust me when I say that means way too much
Considering I've been through countless adversities and traumatic moments with others.. more than you can imagine.
You're the reason I've attempted suicide many times.. and the reason I used to go deeper with my cuts towards my own skin.
I've hidden these words in the back of my heart for years but you have passed my line of tolerated disrespect.
You've lost me not only as a sister,
But as someone who used to care for you.
Now wake up before you lose everyone else too.

I keep our memories together in this tiny shoebox placed into the back corner of my mind.
I keep the words that you have spoken to me inside of that box
Including the actions you've done, the way you've made me feel.
I keep the thoughts that I've never told you about, inside.
As well as the freaky **** that constantly crosses my mind.
The symbolic measures that pass me, about you
Such as you being my feather, and you caressing me with your touch.
Inside of the same box.
I keep all these beautiful meanings, tucked and organized
Because when I am ready to fully love you, and admit it
These memories will find their way out of the hidden box
And into my mind, spoken through my words.
I've got you stuck in every aspect of my head
Including my dreams
Can you get out, please?

Four is the number of death
My father passed on the fourth hour
In the year of 2014
The third month and the tenth day
His six years is creeping through
Waiting to open the door and haunt me for months
Specifically about four
Because I recall the fourth anniversary
Being the day of my death
I haven't felt alive since.
I promise you
Four is the number of death.

Now that you've been with me for a bit, you've seen just about every part of me.
The frustration that comes from just about everybody
The depression that rots inside of my mind, no matter how much I write or how much in peace with life I am
The anxiety that takes over me, no matter the dosage of medication nor breathing that helps long-term
You've seen me be a mess and that is why I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid that you've seen me in these ways, especially in my vulnerability, you've seen me want you
I've told you I love you
I'm afraid now that you know these things.. you'll leave me
Because honestly, these parts of me.. my anxiety especially
My mental need to want to be with you at all times
Especially each night..
Is what I've been trying to hide from the beginning.
I'm scared. I get so scared.
I want to be someone you choose, and someone you'll eventually love. Not someone who bothers you constantly, nor someone who distracts you from your passion.
I'm learning TJ and I see my faults.. please bear with me.
But most importantly, please don't leave me.

I need to quit belittling my emotions.
Those constant apologetic "it's just my feelings" or "I don't know why I'm upset now"
Invalidating my own feelings and letting **** slide is not what I'm going to do anymore.
I'm going to tell people that hurt me, their faults.
Nobody is going to tell me that I shouldn't feel hurt by others actions.
Nobody is going to get any satisfaction out of me if they simply don't care about my feelings.
I'm sincerely and honestly drained, inside out.
My heart has been pulsating faster than ever before
My mind has been racing with thoughts
Trying to place puzzle pieces together and adding up the equations
When I could simply have that conversation that I've been avoiding.
I'm drained, God, I'm drained.
I have been searching for peace on every mountaintop through every desert, and yet I'm still sitting here hopeless.

I feel like everyone's little pity party.
People only see me with those low eyes and a string in their heart because my daddy died.
I've said it before and I'll say it again,
Nobody cares until it's time for them to show out in public.
Nobody cares about you until it's too late.
Nobody cares until you're on your deathbed.
Nobody cares until you're up in the sky.
Nobody cares.
And that's the hardest ******* pill to swallow.

12 years old, the age of curiosity
The age of tenderness, affection, and joy
Getting grown now
This is when you're told that life is not a toy.

You think you're so old
Until tragedy hits you
Suddenly you don't feel so bold
You're aweary, restrained, suffocating
And life is cold
You feel as if you're just going to fold

You grow older, 13,14,15,16,17.
You hit 18.
You realize life is just an anomaly
Everyone around you is a stranger
And the saddest part is,
You are your own stranger.

You spend years looking for yourself,
But have you tried looking for oneself
Through things besides media?
Besides games, besides education and people
Who don't care about you
Who don't love you
Who don't want you

You flip the switch
You try your best
Life took its toll
Now you're here.
You're in the moment.
But within a second
That moment is gone

And suddenly you're on your own.
Just like the day you were born
All alone.
You hear the horn
And now your life has ended

You wasted your time looking for things
You realize that those things didn't do you any good
You cling onto your life .. what you have left
But it's too late now
Ya Allah
Save me from the hellfire

I took my own life for those that I truly admire.

- 10/13/18

I have not been writing much lately
I guess it's because I've been happy
But I don't want my words to come to a break
Just because my emotions are at an all-time high
I want to write even when I'm feeling great
To spread positivity, we have to understand
That it is never too late.

- 05/11/19

Lately my mind has been unraveling in ways I can't even describe.
My heart is full of beautiful roses and my emotions..
Well my emotions.. for the first time in forever..
Are what is bringing me joy.

People always wonder
How is it that someone can be so perfect
Perfection is a word that is redefined
By different people everyday
So what is the true meaning of perfection?
My definition says it's you

- 06/30/19

You were the reason
I had begun my sobriety
But sadly
You were the reason
I ended it too.

- 04/22/19

i'm typically good with words
i can place them together
to create something similar to when
you wake up at dawn and see the
beautiful different colors all throughout the sky
while standing in the middle
of a dense forest

i'm typically good with words
i've strung plenty together about you
but i'm getting to the point where
the letters slowly disappear from my mind
and suddenly i'm at a loss of words
it's like this lost frame
being snatched away
from my own mind

you've taken my vocabulary
and mixed it all together
stealing loves and hearts
and plenty of thoughts
replaced with nights
and virtual days
thinking what it would be like
to finally be at peace with you again
with your head on my chest
hearing my heart beat

I'm not used to being treated with love, so forgive me if I am unexperienced.

The more I get to know you
Understanding your tendencies..your capabilities..
I feel a bigger heart full of love for you
Each step you take
Jogging your way into my heart
Running through my mind constantly
I feel like my soul has awaken
I feel like I have found myself
I feel like I have been brought to the fate of my happiness
Sometimes I feel like you're too good to be true
Other times I feel like I'm worth it.. like I deserve it
But either way
You are the biggest blessing that I've had in a while
So please don't disappoint me
And..
Please don't leave me
You're everything I've been asking God for.

- 01/18/2020

Filter your emotions with words
Examine your goals and how far you are willing to go
Control the rage you have inside your heart
And watch how positive you can see the world
How beautiful the Earth truly is
When you hit one bump
Don't fool yourself into striking another
You are okay
And you always will be
As long as you believe in yourself.

- 12/03/19

When I feel your touch against my skin, it's instant comfort.
It's as if this specific warmth fills up my heart
My mind is suddenly at ease, my body is full of energy.
I hear your voice and it feels like a soft melody passing through my ears, surrounding my brain.
My mind is full of boxes - boxes filled with the small memories of us.. as well as physical representations of the ways you've made me feel.
My heart.. my heart is at ease, there's this moment of joy passing through my body mixed in with my blood.
I don't understand how you make me feel the way that you do, it's something I've never experienced before.
That may be why I get so anxious, and worried to lose you.. because I don't want to picture the rest of my life without you.
I've said it before and I'll say it again..
My love for you is a portrayal of how you treat me.. nothing more.
& That is why I'm falling deep.

I'm going to tell you a story
Of this couple that had no choice but to linger together..
For many years the wife was getting abused.. drugged.. *****
He would spend all day out with an older woman.. and come home to a fresh meal by his warm-hearted lover
He never recognized the pain he had put her through..
How sadly.. she was attached to him mentally and emotionally

Fast forward to the day when the husband had gotten a call from the hospital
That he had beat her so violently.. she was put into a coma
The woman was quickly losing her vitality
Indenial by heart but ignorant by choice
Refused to take accountability for his actions
He had taken it out on that older woman

Next thing you know.. his wife had passed.. he had beat the older woman so critically..
That she was bleeding tears down her soft cheeks dripping onto the hard-wooded floor
Every single day she would make prayers.. hoping she had something left to look forward to
I guess at one point you just don't want to fight anymore
Later that month.. this older woman had taken her own life.
That's two.
When will this stop?
What does it take?

I  often feel neglected.
My heart is too good for this world, I'm too kind, too caring.
Everyone wants to be nonchalant.
People would rather hurt others before they get hurt themselves.. like some sort of competition.
I often feel hated,
Why does it seem like everyone is against me?
It must be myself that's the problem.
All these people have their own close friends.. healthy relationships..
While I'm sitting here.. 19 years old.. wanting to end myself.
It feels like I'm losing my best friend.. which I am.
It feels like everyone around me is dying.. which they are.
It feels like I'm not capable of love.. I doubt myself.
I keep things inside. I'm too worried about the future. I'm too sensitive. I'm too moody.
And the worst part of it all.. it seems like it's my fault..
All.
The.
Time.

The human mind is like a galaxy full of thoughts
Instead of stars
Gifted with each individual detail
Placed together to make a beautiful memory
Stored in the back of the brain untouched

It is complex.

- 04/21/19

I told you to leave me alone
To get away from me
I'm having an awful time
I am not in the right state of mind

But you kept going
You kept pushing
You didn't think to care how I felt
You wanted to get your pleasure

You went down so low
That you went out of your way
To mess up a girls life
A girl you didn't even know

A girl you had never met before
Just someone who was pretty
Someone who had "the body"
I am ashamed of you. *******.
**** anyone who knows of your true self.
And lastly, **** anyone who ever supported you.
You don't deserve to have a joyful life.

- 08/21/19

Some people get lost in their heads, some people get lost in their hearts. Some feel so lost to the point where they only find true guidance in paradise. For me, I get lost in you. I get lost in your heart. I get lost in between us. The most confusing part of this relationship is wondering how it will go months.. even years down the line. A part of me wants to worry too much and save myself from pain, and another part wants me to live life to its fullest until time comes to an end. I'm mistaken inside my own head, but I'm also falling astray from yours. I'm lost.

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

A wise woman once sang this beautiful phrase,
"You have got to trust the signs, everything will turn out fine."

After hearing this, my mind has been at peace
My thoughts have become clear, positive, loving.
I have found my guiding light.

"W.A.Y.S." by Jhené Aiko.

Your actions of affection are what caught my eyes physically
The warmth in your touch, as you are holding me
Pulling me closer to you as we are sleep
The way you awaken slowly with your eyes, and stare at me
With a beautiful smile on your face.
How any minute you may get to hug me, and love on me.. you do.
The kindness in your heart is what drew me emotionally
Your words of sentiment.. knowing you've gone through much in this life
Yet you keep a positive outlook on the future
The devotion staked into your heart.. is what I'm falling in love with
Yes, you are handsome
Yes, you are beautifully minded
Yes, you are motivated and passionate
But what brought me towards you, is your personality
Your soft heart, that wants to be loved
No matter how many times you deny it
You were searching for someone to love you and care for you, this whole time
Then I came around, not knowing the affect I would later have on you
Though this was unexpected..
I'm ready.

You're everything that I've been praying for.
Those nights that I spent drowning in my tears
For someone to treat me the way that you do
To love me the way that you do
Even though this came unexpected..
You still treated me with the most respect, a true gentleman.
I won't give up on you, I will fight for you
I can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of us.
God blessed me with you, and I am more than blessed to have you

To my next boyfriend..

Hi I'm Norah.
I don't like onions and I don't eat pork.
I think you're the most handsome man I've ever talked to
I reiterate things when I mean them
I'm an artist and a big lover
I spend most of my days over-analyzing every thought in my mind
I know I'm weird, but I love that about myself.
I got a big *** head.. but with that I got a big *** heart.
I deal with disorders like depression and ptsd pretty heavily
Sometimes I have really bad anxiety especially in large groups
I have this mindset that everyone is out to get me
Which makes me want to be isolated by myself most times.
I try to learn how much I'm such a contradiction but maybe you'll learn to love this.. part of me.
I don't want this relationship to start on emotions, I need this relationship to start on decisions.
I need you to decide if you truly want me, because emotions can always differ.
I need you to understand that change is going to happen, we are going to change into two different people
And though I am not a fan of change I've come to terms with the action.
This relationship may not end in marriage, and it may not end at all but if it ends.. it ends in peace, not hatred.
I need you to be completely open with me the same way that I need to be completely open with you.
I need you to be understanding because.. some days I don't know myself..so I know I'll be hard to recognize.
I need you to understand that the way I feel about you, is a representation of how kindly you've treated me
With the most respect.. and I need to know, that it will always stay that way.
Otherwise I don't want it.