In the wintertime I crave affection
In the summertime I crave being solo
In the fall and spring I go with the flow
Now how's that supposed to work
When I'm supposed to keep a lifelong partner
When I'm supposed to be in 'love'
When I'm supposed to devote the rest of my life to marry this person
But I grow out of my feelings so quickly
I hope to learn and understand my emotions deeper
So I can show the affection that I give myself..
To my partner. Because after all, that is my husband
For the rest of my life

Love..
What is it?

My parents were deeply in 'love'
The smile they had on their faces
Each day..
The love was shown within their vitality
But then you look at the other side
Where the grass isn't so green and the sky isn't so blue
My friend was having affairs
My cousin was being abused

What is love?
Because if I'm going to risk my peace & stability
I need to know that he's ready for me
That I'm going to get the positive energy
Constantly

I don't know what love is but I'm scared of it

My thoughts have been reincarnated into the form of a human
Her name is Presley
She is around 5'5, wavy brown hair, piercing big, brown eyes
She had these flaws..where she couldn't help herself
A constant battle it was to maintain her health mentally and physically
I gave her the time of day, stayed with her through the night
It became the suffrage within myself, drowned in negativity
Uplifted by society but backed down by family
Talking to her was like being drained by losing sobriety
With her being the drug, me being addicted to helping her
As time had passed I realized that I was the one in need
And nowhere was she to be found
Presley..
These are my last words to you
I am in need of your guidance, your words, your sympathy
I can't take it anymore
I want to be de-

Presley.

Once upon a time
There was a man
Who gave me the time of his day
Visualized me of the thoughts going through his mind
Things started off well
What I had expected in the beginning turned out to be the unexpected
To this day.. things are going very well
I feel like the girl who is the most loved
I feel like the princess that is being circled around by the prince
I feel like I am surrounded by an angel
That angel is you
You are a dream
A dream that I never want to wake up from
You are perfection.. I am in heaven
And the only thing I want around me
Is your presence filled with your love.
For you to be by my side forever, I am grateful.

- 01/18/2020

Lately I've been overjoyed
It's like I got out of this box
Of depression and helplessness
I overcome my biggest enemy
Which was myself
Now I'm my own best friend
And it makes me feel .. worried
Consciously I am afraid of myself
Unconsciously I am afraid of the world
I am afraid of people and their power
To destroy my mental health
My abilities, my thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am taken advantage of
For my words, for my talents
When I am in need there is no one around
I am uncared for
Maybe it's time for me to not be around
Now how do you think I feel?

- 01/18/2020

I don't understand how these universities
Can sit around on their ***** acting like they care about issues
About racism, discrimination, ****** assault, etc.
But when you are hit by these things as a student
And you go file reports.. you go talk to people who may help
You wait.. keep waiting
..and keep waiting
For nothing to happen.. for no things to change
It makes absolutely no sense
Why would you want to go to a school that shows as if they care
As if you matter to them.. like you aren't some atm
But then you realize
This is college
A representation of the real world
Where people are only money-hungry and don't care.

-01/18/2020

Many times I just want to get these thoughts out of my mind
I feel the need of a person who will sit beside my body
Be patient while I try to form thoughts into a storyline
Understand me while I'm understanding myself
But then I remind me
People don't care
They only want you to be okay
Because when you have those suicidal thoughts
The thoughts you acted upon and now you're gone
They want people to think they were here for you
They don't want to feel like the reason
Or that it could be avoided because of them
And that's just society nowadays
People only care for the show not for the heart.

- 01/18/2020

I want to start this off by saying thank you
I want to begin with kind words and heartful emotions
Do you know the impact you have on my life?
It's only been such little time
But even then
I feel so strongly
My heart is aching.. but it is aching with joy
Which is.. new to me
I've always been accustomed to pain
I guess now I feel more pain with the joy
But each day we communicate
Every minute we are with each other
On the phone
Through the phone
I feel your warmth
The safety with your arms around me
A blessing.

- 01/18/2020

The more I get to know you
Understanding your tendencies..your capabilities..
I feel a bigger heart full of love for you
Each step you take
Jogging your way into my heart
Running through my mind constantly
I feel like my soul has awaken
I feel like I have found myself
I feel like I have been brought to the fate of my happiness
Sometimes I feel like you're too good to be true
Other times I feel like I'm worth it.. like I deserve it
But either way
You are the biggest blessing that I've had in a while
So please don't disappoint me
And..
Please don't leave me
You're everything I've been asking God for.

- 01/18/2020

Even though we were connected within such little time
And I shouldn't have trusted you so fully
I still did.. I still treated you as my royalty
You went behind my back.. actually
You went behind HER back.. and destroyed my peace of mind
I was doing good before I met you..
I will still always be doing good..
But just know,
You came into my life at a time where I am attained to self-growth
I am cherished in self-love
I could give one less **** about you anymore
It's her I'm worried about.

As the days go on.. some females disappoint me
Giving away your body to get revenge at a man
Actually let me emphasize..
A man who does not care
Not about you nor your life
Who has seen you as an object and treated you as such
But you get so worked up by his actions
Sometimes it seems like females don't see their worth
That their self-esteem revolves around a man
You do everything (and I mean everything)
But leave and put yourself in a positive and uplifting setting.
You're over here drenching tears, destroying valuables, keying cars, taking it out on your children. But for what.. and at what cost?
Now look at you.. lost your child and you ended up in a place
You could've avoided if you had took the initiative
Before it was too late.
For the love of God.. Help Yourself.

Lately there's been something going on with me
More specifically, my body.
Now don't worry, let me see how to word this
Well.. my organs are failing me
My body is collapsing
My time is escaping
And my energy is the representation
My thoughts have been formed
My future has been destroyed
My end is unraveling
And the odd thing is..
I'm ready
..and happy

please don't feel sorry.

My imagination has corrupted my perception
The same perception that is undefined and unknown
During the nighttime
My negative thoughts come indoors and push my old memories
Outdoors and when I awaken..
I am lost, I am torn, I am in pain
And that is just my mentality. Fixate on me.
I am someone with depression and altered memory
But through all the pain and despair
I kept the faith within myself and occupation of my mind
And trust me when I say that all is fine..


I guess.

Everytime I close my eyes I see my beauty mark..
Not the beauty portrayed on the outside
Nor the one that can be snatched easily with depression and anxiety
But my beauty is shown within my words
The way I communicate my emotions with a notepad and a puzzled mind
Others might say the beauty comes from my body
Or maybe just because I'm pretty
But my looks do not define me
My beauty is shown through my talent
I am underrated and determined
I communicate my emotions with a soft heart and some paper
You cannot define me.

There is a beauty in every curse
And a curse in each beauty
No matter how kindhearted, loved, honorable you may be
There will always be someone who harms you
Takes advantage of you.. destroys you
And that's just the beauty
Building your character and personality
So where's the curse?
Well let me tell you..
Your actions. Your words.
The curse is how you respond.

My time is near
I can smell the growing pain of my death
My ashes are fixated into the air
Who would've thought this would be reality?
No matter where I go.. it feels like I'm stuck in some realm
Of anger and brutality
The unseen normality
I look further and realize
Life is not a game of strike and spare
But somehow it seems as if
When God comes and pulls souls out of bodies
So swiftly and suddenly
One by one..
I know I'm going to hit the strike and humanity will hit the spare.

I really hope you never get to know me
I want to remain as a little mystery
Doesn't matter our relationship
When someone gets close to opening the gates
To your complex mind and individuality
They begin to take advantage of your reality
So I try to act accordingly
But by then it's too late
So I really hope you don't understand me
I want to remain as a puzzle
That needs to be taken time out for
A mystique to those around me
An obscurity of intricacy
I don't want you to know me.

- 12/12/19

If you knew me in the past
You wouldn't recognize who I am today
The depression took over me years ago
But now I have control
The anchor off the boat has been let loose
I am undefeated
So if you knew me in the past
You don't know me now
I am not the same person
She is a stranger
And I am someone who is not lost anymore
I found myself.

- 12/12/19

Lately it's been like I've been stuck in this hole
Drowned in depression
Filled with anxiety
My presence resembles a balloon
Busted by pain
Pulled by responsibilities
Sometimes it feels like everyone is out to get me
But I sit back and realize
God is on my side.

- 12/12/19

Last night I had a dream
..It was more of a message
A letter from my father
I haven't seen him in years
His voice was unknown
But hearing this note
And seeing his visage of joy
It took away all of my fears
But brought me my fate
You see.. my father passed away
Just about six years ago
But in that vision he was full of life
It was like he arose from the deathbed
Soon I woke up
And the only thing I could say
Was alhamdulilah

- 12/12/19

Between the seabreeze and the horizon
Between the mountains and the skyscrapers
Between sunrise and sunset
I will always be with you.

- 02/22/19

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

These waves swishing through the ocean
Remind me of my childhood
How life just "swished by"
I'm young but I feel so old

These waves remind me of my innocence
Snatched away from me
At that age of childhood
When I had no choice but to grow up

These waves remind me of my hardships
How life kept on moving
Forward and ahead
Continuously picking myself up through the breeze

These waves remind me of my happiness
Washed away from the shore
Give me joy
Instead of constantly making me pray for more

- 03/15/19

I was abandoned
Betrayed
Kidnapped
From my own self

Unknown
A mistaken reality
Lack of me
A stranger to my own self

- 03/25/19

Like the soul leaving a body
The body buried alive
It wasn't my choice
Not up to me
I'm just the body in the bag

Never having control over myself
You try to make me dependent on you
But despite all the "love" you have
You gave up on me too

Controlled.

- 03/25/19

The metaphor of my fears cleansing through my body
The sound of oceans over the shore
Crackling among my ears
As if the waves are right beside me
Sunsets over the movements
And that is the moment
Where you realize
Peace and hope exists

- 03/13/19

It feels like
A knife
Continuously going back and forth
Through my body
It's slowly killing me
A painful death
Where's my escape ?

- 03/25/19

Take my hand
Come explore the world with me
Let me bring you to the deep thoughts
And the vivid memories
Carefully placed on the timeline
Of me
Just so you can clearly see
Why I am the way that I am
And you can understand
What to do with me
So take my hand
And let's travel
This complex world
This unknown land
And learn together
Because I'm still trying to understand me too.

- 04/21/19

You were the reason
I had begun my sobriety
But sadly
You were the reason
I ended it too.

- 04/22/19

I have not been writing much lately
I guess it's because I've been happy
But I don't want my words to come to a break
Just because my emotions are at an all-time high
I want to write even when I'm feeling great
To spread positivity, we have to understand
That it is never too late.

- 05/11/19

Is it really so bleak
Everything around me
So..grim
I am in dire need of a weapon
I am insupportable to myself
Intolerable to the pain
That runs through my body
This blood gushing out of me
When will I see my afterlife fantasy?

- 08/21/19

People always wonder
How is it that someone can be so perfect
Perfection is a word that is redefined
By different people everyday
So what is the true meaning of perfection?
My definition says it's you

- 06/30/19

"Why did you distance?"
Your absence is my presence
Of reality
Endearment
I want to know you
Love you
How am I supposed to do such
When you act like you don't care?
Your disassociation from my body
Was what caught me
The real reason I distanced

- 12/11/19

Introverted
Do you know how it feels to be all alone
There are times
Where my mother pushes me to go out
And make more friends
But how am I supposed to follow her advice
When she's the same as me?
As a team, we aid each other into branching out
There are times where I force her to attend social events
And she tells me to join groups
Over time, we both began to take advice
My friends showed me a different side of life
And as for my mother,
She's happily engaged
I am in highschool
And she is in her 40's
Yet internally, we're still the same

- 12/05/19

I was always seen to be different
Growing up, it was like I was stuck in another realm
From a young age, I had to teach myself
But not only myself, my parents too
It was like everyone was depending on me
And to my parents, this was all new
You see, here's my story..
My parents were immigrants who left their homes
For a better opportunity
Now it's like I'm apart of this disheartened community
Of distress and despair
Wishing someone could take my hand
Cross the bridge
And take me there
Everything that I have taught myself
No matter what lessons I learned
And how I managed past
At the end of the day,
I still had to sit there
And teach them how to teach me
So they wouldn't be outcasts
Being a child of an immigrant
Or even one yourself
Is more of teaching your own through life
And that was something
Nobody had signed up for

When I was younger.. there was a part of me
Who used to see broken glass and holes in walls
Growing up, I had all this rage
With no outlet or control
I realized as I had grown
That all this came from what I used to see
The daily abuse, arguments, and accusations
Things no child should be near
It caused me to grow up with this anger
Channeling it towards those who don't care for me
I acted out of neglection
As an addictive obsession
Wondering who would come and save me

- 12/05/19

Give it up to me
To be the one
Who lets herself down
Causing her own pain
Dragging her own heart
Demanding affection from those
Who act like they care
Killing my own individuality
Many times I drop myself
I lose my dignity and my purpose
Life is so much more
Than unwanted emotions and hesitant people
Waste my time
I need to stray away
With the way things are going right now
Sometimes I am afraid
That I won't even make it to the next day.

- 12/04/19

I spend hours
Glaring at myself in the mirror
Trying to understand the person in front of me
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why am I still here?
Day after day
It's the same thoughts
The same pain
Blood rushing through my bones
Many times I pray
God would take it all away
Leave me to rest
I'm tired of having to hold inside the things that I would like to say
Forced to differentiate between my emotions and feelings
I can't do this anymore.

- 12/04/19

Sometimes I wonder..
What would the world be like if I wasn't here?
Would there still be sunshine..
And rainbows?
Or would it just be darkness and despair?
What am I thinking
My presence makes no difference
I'm not worth as much as people think
And I guess I just have to respect that
Even though my conscience tells me otherwise

He tells me I'm worth it
I face the other direction
He tells me I can
I drown myself with doubts
When will I realize
That I am my own enemy.

- 12/04/19

I should really start to take my own advice
It's like I have this power
Of saying these words into my poetry
Having my audience listen and understand
But deep inside
I don't even listen to myself
I ignore my own emotions
I ignore my own existence
Now how's that for a poet

- 12/03/19

Filter your emotions with words
Examine your goals and how far you are willing to go
Control the rage you have inside your heart
And watch how positive you can see the world
How beautiful the Earth truly is
When you hit one bump
Don't fool yourself into striking another
You are okay
And you always will be
As long as you believe in yourself.

- 12/03/19

I don't know what's wrong with me
I am stuck in this storm of thoughts
I am drowning in pain and fear
I can't stand to look at your face
Or hear your voice
It hurts me to look at your picture
Even after six years
You are still on my mind every single day
But why did you have to leave me?

- 12/03/19

My heart aches
Why did you have to come near me?
Showed me affection
Gave me hope
Then turned around and jabbed me
Left me to bleed
I am in so much pain
But you wouldn't care
Because she's right over there
Waiting for you
But before you go on
I want to warn her
Tell her everything you did to me
And I want to tell you
I still love you

- 12/03/19

It is my life
My fate
So why do you try hard
To change the outcome
To try to fight what's coming
Let things be for once.

- 08/17/19

The weekdays are a blur
The ends are when reality hits

For five days I'm numb to my pain
I feel okay
Daylight to night
But right as that sixth day enters
I feel an overwhelming wave
Of sadness and despair
All the joy inside of me during the week is demolished

I lose myself in the darkest times
The nights, the ends, and the dark

Where do I go ?

- 04/21/19

A few years back
I lost myself
I became somebody who wasn't me
I did things I wasn't proud of
I had memories I did not need to think of
But every single day
I get reminded of it

Every single day
I see a headline
Of another girl that had gotten *****
Another victim of overdose
Another suicidal attempt
How do I know
That I'm not next?

- 04/21/19

At the end of the day
You only have yourself
Everybody is so worried about themselves
They forget about others
And those others
Are the ones desperately begging
For help to come their way

And you shun them
So don't mind me if I say
I feel alone
But I won't say a word
Because words might start the battle
But actions are the swords

- 04/20/19

A seed
Most carefully placed
Into the soil
Watered
Lightened
Grown
This is a representation
Of what you did
To me

- 04/10/19

4:46 am and I feel like time is escaping me
The world is disabling me
My exponential growth
Is containing the beast inside of me

4:46 am and I'm laying here wondering if it is all worth it
Will things really get better
Or is that just a phrase
To shut those battling inner fights up

4:46 am and I just got slapped with a small "it will get better"
And a tight "just have hope"
You told a depressed one something that seems
So simple to say
But so hard to do
In terms that'll make me seem okay
*******

- 03/12/19

Me and You
A small little melody
Of joy and warmth
Happiness and growth
I love you
You love me
How much better could things be

- 11/30/19