I need to quit belittling my emotions.
Those constant apologetic "it's just my feelings" or "I don't know why I'm upset now"
Invalidating my own feelings and letting **** slide is not what I'm going to do anymore.
I'm going to tell people that hurt me, their faults.
Nobody is going to tell me that I shouldn't feel hurt by others actions.
Nobody is going to get any satisfaction out of me if they simply don't care about my feelings.
I'm sincerely and honestly drained, inside out.
My heart has been pulsating faster than ever before
My mind has been racing with thoughts
Trying to place puzzle pieces together and adding up the equations
When I could simply have that conversation that I've been avoiding.
I'm drained, God, I'm drained.
I have been searching for peace on every mountaintop through every desert, and yet I'm still sitting here hopeless.

Sometimes.. just sometimes.. I'd rather hear words of comfort rather than words of truth.

I'm personally tired.
I'm drained by my peers.
Being dragged around by everyone, not letting myself be my own self
It's like everyone is so judgmental, everyone is so hateful towards one another
Even those who support you, turn around and talk badly about you.
This world is so cruel, it's so hard living every day
It hurts me to sit here and write this
My mind has been drowning in tears, and the saddest thing is.. nobody would truly know
At this point, I've mastered silent cries.
My heart has been hurting, my mind has been lurking.
I've been searching for my peace for a long time and sometimes I don't think it's even meant for me.
On another note.
I saw this tweet today,
That women do a lot of things that go unnoticed and unappreciated by men.. and I have never seen another tweet so true.
No matter how much I try, no matter how hard I work, no matter how above and beyond I go.. it'll never be enough.
That **** hurts my heart.

He didn't do anything wrong
So why am I so upset at his actions?
Why do I constantly let myself get hurt at things that don't even matter?

He didn't say anything wrong
So why am I not wanting to communicate with him?
Why am I constantly running from my problems instead of facing them like a woman?

It's the way he becomes nonchalant at times
It hurts that sometimes I don't even know if he would really care if he lost me
Maybe it's because I give too much, that he knows I wouldn't really leave
Maybe it's because I've shown him my vulnerability and he knows he has that advantage onto me

It hurts that sometimes I have to beg for a simple conversation
Or I always have to be the one to start it
We started this thing between us based on *******, but it's not being continued as such
So why is that the only conversation I can easily get out of him?

Sometimes I'm afraid because it hurts me, but I know that's not his intentions
And I'm more afraid if I tell him how I truly feel.. then he's going to get tired of me at one point
Annoyed by my actions and constant throbbing emotions
Distanced because of the way I cling onto him so deeply
I just hate how I feel at times, the worst part is..
That I'm the one pushing my emotions off the cliff
And making things ten times harder than they need to be.

I want you to express your feelings to me.
I'm over here constantly telling you how I feel
I base my relationships off of emotions which might not be your way, but it is a huge part of mine
I need to hear how you truly feel sometimes without me completely asking for it
Or trying to play guessing games with myself
I hear all about our ****** desires and fantasies
I hear all about our intimate touches and loving gestures but..
I want to know how you truly feel about me, and about our upcoming relationship.
That's something that is very important to me.

Every single day you remind me what it feels like to be loved
To be cared for
To be understood.
Sometimes I get afraid that I will hurt you, completely annoy you, disregard you
I get more worried about this rather than the other way around.
I become afraid that one day you'll be tired of my **** and walk up, and leave me.
To this day, I don't know why you waited for me.. for MONTHS.
We had only started talking for some time, barely even a month
And yet you still felt I was close to heart enough to wait for.
I don't even know how you tolerate me half the time
My emotions are always at an all time high or low
Depending on my mood and situation,
Yet every single day you treat me with the same respect and passion as you normally would.
I've learned a lot from you already, and when August comes, I know I will be completely safe with you.. and around you
I trust you.

I love when I have your attention
Sometimes I feel like the only time I get your true, undivided attention is when I read you these poems and when I'm upset
Which don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for.
But I love your attention, I love the feeling I get when I look at you
And you are looking at me, listening with both ears
Not being distracted by anything nearby,
No matter what stupid **** I have to say
But I also do realize that I say stupid **** a lot and you probably hear the same things over and over..
But I love when I have a grasp on your attention..
Not only do I feel cared for, but I feel worthwhile.

I remember the first time I had expressed my emotions to you.
You were sitting in that same chair in front of the laptop with flashing lights and a blue background
With dark blue clothing and those gold glasses you love to wear.
I was on FaceTime with you.. and you were working on your music
We began having a conversation then suddenly I put it onto you.
Not going to lie I was afraid for your response
I was thinking that you were going to reject me and then I would have ruined something that was going so well.
But regardless, I thought, at least you would know my true feelings
And who knows.. what if you felt the same?
& I'm so glad I did.

You sat in awe for a few minutes.. thinking about every possibility
Probably emotions and memories
Wanders and worries.
Before you gave me a complete response..
But the phrase that stuck with me the most was when you asked me,
"Why did you come into my life?"
At that very satirical moment.. I knew I was special to you too.

Time after time you make me feel like a prized possession.
Not just any little treasure, you make me feel like I'm your gem.
You understand me thoroughly
You listen to everything I have to say
You help me calm myself
You show me that you care.
I'm someone who needs constant reassurance
I search for approval from those around me which is honestly my greatest downfall
But yet you've shown me that these two things, I don't need.
Without constantly wording every reassuring statement out..
You show me with your actions.. without me even asking for it.
But more importantly than anything,
You understand me.. that's something my own family can't do
That's when I knew you were special.

This girl has been here for me since freshman year of high school.
When we met in our Geography class, we became friends and sat next  to one another
Since then we've created many memories and let's just say..
This girl is the biggest blessing I have in my life.
She has been there for me each year since then,
Checking if I'm okay not only physically, but mentally.
She's truly a gem in disguise.
The memories of us being in different classes such as Psychology,
making jokes in the back of the class
To filling our cravings such as going to ihop
**** near every weekend we would go to the grocery store, and that was our way of bonding.
This is why I love her - because she was always so understanding, and on the same page as me
We both would get annoyed of too much time being spent, but in need of at least seeing one another
We miss each others presence at the same time specifically as if there's some sort of telepathic switch in our minds
I thought me moving away to college would put a burden on our friendship but in reality, it made things so much better

To Logan, you are my best friend, my sister.
I would do anything I could for you, and I Know you would do the same. Even though the first time we met I thought you were weird as hell
Flashing off the teacher on accident you were quite odd - but I learned to love this part of you
But not only that, I became vulnerable and transparent with you.
You are my poetic charm, and I can't wait until we work on this project together.
We will both be so successful and I have your back no matter what.
I love you to the moon and back, the rose's charm.
I love you Logan.

Forever is a strong word.
Love is an even stronger word.
But when I picture the times that we've had together so far
The way we met, and the connection we had made since the beginning - first day
The way we were working on your song and ended with cuddling - second day
The way we spent the night together watching movies and taking advantage of each others presence
The way you had asked me to spend the night because you wanted me there - last day before I've missed out on you for months
But since then..
We've collected conversations through the phone
Talked about mutual feelings
Discussed things that we wanted to make sure of
Now we're just waiting to see one another.. only a few more months
Knowing we have many more memories to create
I feel like I'm falling in love with you
I know I reminder you plenty
But just know that when I say that phrase to you
It means a lot to me, but besides that
Just know I mean it, because I don't just say that to anybody.
You're special to me.

I think the time that I truly felt like you are the one for me at this point in my life was when we had talked about relationships.
Our mutual agreements and discussed disagreements on certain topics was what helped each other become more clear.
The way we talked about how we felt if our significant other had an opposite gender best friend
The way we talked about communication and comprehension
The way we discussed motivation and determination on our passions
Pushing each other further
Being honest and transparent with one another
Spending quality time with one another.
You've taught me patience, prosperity, motivation..
These may seem like such little things but the truth is..
These little things are what builds the whole relationship.
You can't build a house with just straight bricks, you have to have a foundation.
And each conversation we have had about each others feelings and expectations, is a step closer to the foundation.
But just like every owned home.. we must take care of little cracks in the walls such as our disagreements and harsh emotions
We must always cleanse each other and help each other through things the both of us may be going through
But most importantly.. we must be here for one another, physically as well as mentally.
And this is why I feel like you are the perfect person for me.

I know if I ever was stripped away from everything that I had in my life.. you would still be here for me.
You would help me in many ways and the thought of me having that engraved in my brain.. makes me feel so loved.
There are many people who claim they're here for you
There are many people who claim they're a shoulder
An arm, a leg.. when you might be in need
But when the time really comes
You sit there begging for help and nobody is around.
It's hard living life feeling as if there's no person by your side, and I've been feeling this way for most of my life.
But now I have you -
No matter what I want you to know that I am here for you
I would do just about anything for you, to any extent
I'm not just talking about subtle gifts and words -
I'm here for you the same way you're here for me
Because I care about you
You're mine. Always and forever.

I gave a man everything that I had to give
Money that I barely had
Time I couldn't waste
Decisions I couldn't make
When he lost his peace, I found it and I dragged it all the way back to him
I showed him a different view of the world without even leaving the city
He told me that I was so kind, so sensitive.. he loved it, but noticed that anyone could hurt me.
After a few months and a falling out, I had thought it was best that we don't talk anymore
He said that I was too possessive, too crazy because I didn't want him disrespecting our relationship
He said I was too sensitive and took little things too far
And that's when I began to understand that people will begin to hate those same qualities they used to love about you
It leaves you so unsure of yourself, your personality
I question the values of words
Those soft "I love you's" or "I'm here for you"
It doesn't mean anything to me because people change.
Who knew unconditional love could be so.. conditional?
People don't admit to hurting you and instead.. they go aloft and frame you as if it was all your fault
Convincing yourself you were so toxic in order to alleviate their own guilt
People turn your better qualities against you.. such as kindness and transparency.
Your passion will be overwhelming
Your concern will be possessiveness
Your kindness will be naivity
Your love will be too much.
I've learned that the more intuned you are to their emotions, the better the love will be
We are made to feel, not lock away our emotions
It is how we communicate, how we view the world.. and people
It's how we remind ourselves that we're alive
So nobody is "too sensitive"
In a world where everybody is cold in the heart and
So amazed by living with no emotions
We are viewed as "moody" "possessive" "sensitive"
We need vulnerability, we need people who embrace their own feelings and recognize the weight of them
I resent the idea that I need to change, to harden my feelings just because I might be too complicated for a person to deal with
We like to think that we can just turn off our emotions when we're hurt.. in pain..
We go on and we always lose, because we're not machines.
So I will not change, I'll stay as being too sensitive
Because others can't find it in themselves to appreciate me, doesn't mean that I've lost my worth
I know you're here with me.

To my next boyfriend..

Hi I'm Norah.
I don't like onions and I don't eat pork.
I think you're the most handsome man I've ever talked to
I reiterate things when I mean them
I'm an artist and a big lover
I spend most of my days over-analyzing every thought in my mind
I know I'm weird, but I love that about myself.
I got a big *** head.. but with that I got a big *** heart.
I deal with disorders like depression and ptsd pretty heavily
Sometimes I have really bad anxiety especially in large groups
I have this mindset that everyone is out to get me
Which makes me want to be isolated by myself most times.
I try to learn how much I'm such a contradiction but maybe you'll learn to love this.. part of me.
I don't want this relationship to start on emotions, I need this relationship to start on decisions.
I need you to decide if you truly want me, because emotions can always differ.
I need you to understand that change is going to happen, we are going to change into two different people
And though I am not a fan of change I've come to terms with the action.
This relationship may not end in marriage, and it may not end at all but if it ends.. it ends in peace, not hatred.
I need you to be completely open with me the same way that I need to be completely open with you.
I need you to be understanding because.. some days I don't know myself..so I know I'll be hard to recognize.
I need you to understand that the way I feel about you, is a representation of how kindly you've treated me
With the most respect.. and I need to know, that it will always stay that way.
Otherwise I don't want it.

God has placed you into my life for a reason
There's no way we met with no true meaning.
The way every moment was carefully placed on the timeline.
How any tiny change could've lost our chances of meeting each other.
I'm more than blessed. You are the one person I can rely on.
I know it sounds odd because I've only truly known you for such little time..
It says a lot because everyone else in my life has been unreliable.
I wish you could step into my body, understand my mind
And see how much you mean to me.

I get annoyed by your actions at times
Anxious by the way you word things
The way you act sometimes, as if you don't truly want me..
It *****. It hurts. I know it's just in my thoughts and that's what's worse.

You know I overthink, you know how I can act
I'm not someone you need to "fix"
I'm not someone you need to push past limits **** near every single day
I'm not a person that you need to walk on egg shells to talk to me, but just manage your delivery of statements.
I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone and you know that.

Lately I have been going through so much that I haven't even told you about
And nor do I want to.
I'm just tired and drained by everybody
I'm ready to leave, and be reunited with you.
Seems like that's the only cure I have to how I have been feeling.

Sometimes you act like you know me better than me and you don't.
Many times you push things onto me as if you know me clearly and you don't.
No matter how much you think you know me, about me, and my personality.. you don't.
I'm not clear with you, I'm not transparent with you completely yet and sometimes I don't even want to be.
There's one thing that irks me, and that's anyone thinking that they understand me completely when they're not even close.
I'm not going to tell you how to act, or how to be, that's not my place.
But quit thinking I'm lying all the time and quit believing that everything I tell you isn't true.
It hurts when I feel like I have to prove something to everyone.
But it's ten times worse when I feel that with you.

When I vision you holding me tight in between your arms
Being my shoulder when times may get difficult
My best friend, my lover
I get happy to know
That there is love out there for me
There is someone that sees my worth, and likes me for me.
I'm excited to form new memories with you
Go on dates with you, run errands with you, spend nights with you
Wake up next to you, love on you.
I'm excited to be together with my person, and show him the love that I've been holding inside, ready to burst upon you.
You are a true blessing to me, soon to be my boyfriend.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Take my hand
Hold it tight
and let's travel with each other
Beginning with talking about insecurities
Leading on to ****** fantasies
Past the pain that's been brought upon us
Ending with exploring each others souls
Learning each others minds.
I'm ready to go with you to grow with you
You are my feather, my beauty, my soft place in this painful world
You are my withered peace, and though there may be annoying times
Disagreements and harsh discussions..
I'm ready to go through it all with you.
I'm ready for you.
And I mean all of you

Trust is a beautiful thing when earned.
It is not given not is it easy to give.
Traumatic experiences from past years cause the both of us to doubt one another..
To be afraid and keep the wall guarded high between each other.
But I just want to tell you -
That this is something that we will get through together..
I understand I need to earn your trust and I am completely okay with that because I want you in my life.. as mine.
I want every part of you.. from your mind to your ***.
From your heart to your soul.
And my actions as well as my words will be the proof.
Same for me.. though you don't necessarily try too hard,
My trust is becoming open with you
Each day I get to becoming more transparent towards you
One day, you'll see through me completely clearly.
I'm learning to trust you, and get comfortable with you
And I know you are doing the same..
We're doing this together and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Though I may joke around with you
Overthink constantly
Ask you the same questions over and over..
Deep down in my heart I know how you feel about me
Though I might need to hear them every once in a while,
I know I never truly will doubt anything you say
Because it's not only your words, your actions prove my value in your life.
I'm grateful to have you, and I love the way you remind me many times how you feel about me
Any time you may see me getting upset, or overthinking my place in your life..
You re-explain it no matter how annoying it may seem to you.
You really know me a lot better than most people..
& I just want to be with you..
Hold you..
Love on you.
I'm just waiting for you.

Time after time its the same despair that rots inside of my mind
It feels like my thoughts control me even though it should be the other way around
Though I hate it.. I constantly fear about every little thing
Worrying about topics that won't matter in five years..
Hell, maybe even a year.
But the thing is..
Though my mind may cause me pain at certain times
It is also my reliever.
I write beautiful poetry and create astounding art..
Just because of my mind and how I think.
My personality and heart are both fragile..
I am sensitive and moody, but it's better than me
Being nonchalant or disrespectful.
So I know it might **** that I overthink so much..
But I'm grateful..
Because that means that me thinking twice about making a decision
Or about a situation that has happened..
Only means that I truly do care about myself
Unlike before.

For years I've put my emotions to the side for the sake of my mother.
For years I've dealt with the annoyance, the disrespect, the pain that you've caused me.
For years I've put you and your feelings over my own, just because I know you've been through a lot.
But let me make it clear with you.. you took advantage of me and my kindness.
Just because you have been through pain since early on in this life doesn't mean you get to disrespect everyone around you.
Your ego is extremely high and you believe that everyone is beneath you.
Not to mention, you brought your wife into this home.. let her think that she has authority over all of us.. as if we even need either of you
Well heads up, nobody owes you anything.
I cannot wait until the both of you move out of this home
Because if it's not you two soon, it's definitely going to be me.
I'm beginning to put myself over others for the first time now
And I could care less about my absence causing pain on anyone
Because none of you were appreciated with my presence.
Just because I was born and raised near you
Just because we have the same parents
Just because we may share the same blood,
Doesn't make you my brother.
You've caused me a great deal of pain, more sadness than anybody in my life has.. and trust me when I say that means way too much
Considering I've been through countless adversities and traumatic moments with others.. more than you can imagine.
You're the reason I've attempted suicide many times.. and the reason I used to go deeper with my cuts towards my own skin.
I've hidden these words in the back of my heart for years but you have passed my line of tolerated disrespect.
You've lost me not only as a sister,
But as someone who used to care for you.
Now wake up before you lose everyone else too.

It can be draining to live life, feeling as if you're all alone.
I know you feel it sometimes, though you try to hide it.
You feel lonely even though you're surrounded by plenty.
I get it, we all do, we're all humans here too.
But what I do want you to know
I take mental health very seriously.
So the minute you feel depressed, or even upset.
Angry, or even annoyed.
Tired, and drained.
Whether it is mentally, physically, or emotionally
I want you to be able to tell me.
I am not one who will leave or be distant with you when times get hard.
I am with you every step of the way, every minute of this cruel life that is being lived by the both of us.
I am here.
Ready to give you all the love I've been hoarding inside of me for years.
I am ready to have you and take care of you in times where you might be in need.
I want you here with me.

I'm not going to lie at times I'm an emotional mess.
Thoughts and feelings being pulled out of random parts of my mind
About things I do not even care for as much anymore.
But behind the thorns of myself, there is my beauty, my rose.
I am beautiful, thoughtful.
I am going to be successful, as well as be content with my mental.
No one is going to care for you as much as I do
Actions speak louder than words and when the time comes
It will be proved with my actions but
For now, I am going to be the one who will make you feel comforted
Relieved, distressed, loved.
I am going to be the one who will be fighting for you when it feels like nobody else cares for you.
I am going to be the one who
Who accompanies you, supports you.
I am your biggest fan TJ Mac.
You are my special gem, my feather.
I want you in my life, because you are perfect for me.
Just promise me, that you won't hurt me.

You read me, you read through me.
Sometimes I want to say that you don't understand me but
The truth is, that you do.
You understand me more than anyone else in my life has.
And it's only been two months.
You try for me.
You acknowledge my emotions.. my behavior.
You recognize my tone.. my style.
You appreciate my actions.. my words.
You read me, you read through me.
Sometimes I want to say that you don't care for my feelings but
The truth is, that you do.
You ask me what is wrong anytime I am acting different
You know how I am, what I'm feeling, and probably even my thoughts.
You prove it each and everyday.
And it's only been two months.
I know I say this all the time but
I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life, as mine.
It could be all the pain that I was dragged through, all the emotions I had pushed aside for the sake of others
It could be all the times that I was beaten and drained mentally by my peers.
Even though that may seem like a lot, if that was all that it took to have someone like you in my life as mine.. I would go through it all over again for you.

You begin the morning with determination
Push yourself through the day
Accomplish all that is needed
Just so you can end the night with satisfaction.
I know it can get draining..
But I am proud of you.

When you realize that your only limitation is your imagination..
You become more capable of pushing yourself further
Taking the path that is the best for you and your future
With time you find, that it was the best **** realization you've ever made.

I'm tired of the pain that subjects over my bones and through my blood.
I'm tired of fighting this battle of emotions with myself every single day.
I'm tired of hiding my true emotions, under this sheet of guilt.. just for the satisfaction of others.
I'm tired of constantly having to uplift those around me but when it is me that needs help, there is no one around.
I'm tired of making my own path, and having to figure out this cruel world on my own.
I'm tired of begging for help each and everyday through my words, yet nobody surrounds me.
I'm tired of the pressure being put on myself to save my family.
I'm tired of my emotions being pushed aside by everyone else, exactly how I push them myself.
I'm tired of nobody understanding me, not knowing how to comfort me, but expecting me to adjust to everyone else's needs.
I'm tired of people labeling me.
I'm tired of people doubting me.
I'm tired of people not letting me.. be me.
When will life give me a break..
It seems like the negativity will only seize when I am dead.

You make my heart warm, my mind clear, my touch soft, and my soul cleansed.
You make my eyes crinkle, my forehead wrinkle, my feet slip, and my body ready.
You make my beauty seem astounding, you make me feel proud, you make me feel safe.
You help me in my time of need, you make my thoughts calm, you give me hope.
You make time for me, you care for me, you're falling for me.. but most importantly, you prove it to me.
Each conversation we have, each text that is sent, each picture that is shown.. you make me feel beautiful.
You make me feel loved, you make me feel like I'm worth a lot.
Yeah I don't need you, but I do definitely want you.
And I want anything and everything that comes with you.
Triple locked in, BULLETPROOF windows, and an open door.. because you are not my prisoner.
I want all of you, especially as mine completely
And you will be.

I'm guilty.

I'm guilty of not spending as much time with you as I could before I had left.
I'm guilty of hiding from my own self, and my own little fantasies that are made up inside of my head.
I'm guilty of forcing myself not to continue falling in love with you, just because I'm afraid of the outcome.
I'm guilty of sometimes bottling my true emotions not because I don't trust you, but simply because it's something new everyday.
I'm guilty of thinking that I am a burden upon you.
I'm guilty of not being the most comfortable I can be with you, but just that it will take time.
I'm guilty of not hugging you the tightest I could hug before I was gone.
I'm guilty of not being able to see you for months, yet missing you more each day.
I'm guilty of wanting to love you, care for you, spoil you, and trust you.
I'm guilty of wanting to be your girlfriend, and your last one at that.
And lastly, I'm guilty of falling in love with you.

Most times it is so difficult to try and understand myself
I feel like my mind is so complicated and my thoughts are complex
You enter my brain and you're stuck in this realm that is too difficult to escape
Time after time I continuously stop myself from thinking too much
Quit making up scenarios in my head
Quit revising old memories
Keep my past life from re-entering my mind negatively

I'm tired of being in this battle with myself daily
It's like time after time I burden my own self
How is that even possible?
Though you may already know..
The reason I am telling you this
Is because if you want to be with me
And if you want me..
Then you will also be stuck with this part of me.
Though I push myself further mentally everyday..
I still have this flaw of me overthinking the tiniest details
And bringing them up or keeping them quiet.
I am working on it, I promise you.
Just be patient.

Sometimes I get nervous around you
I don't know why - maybe it's because I'm still getting used to you
The thought of things unfolding just as fast as we got together still scares me
I'm still learning to get comfortable to you, and us.
And I'm not saying it's going to take too long, but it will take some time
So don't doubt me when I say that there are things that I want to do
Or things I want to try with you
The moment I get completely and fully comfortable with the concept of us and being together with someone again
You'll see, and you'll understand that the way I act now,
It's because I'm still getting to know you, and getting to understand you
It will take me some time
Just be patient.

The most beautiful people I know are those that are humble, kind, understanding, loving..
Those that know how to balance before putting others before themselves..
That show appreciation to those around them, show loving concerns to those they care for..

Now read that again.. and think of who that pertains to in your life
For me, it's you.

You are one of the most beautiful people I know, and you are special to me.

Every day you have this beautiful smile shining upon your face
Though you may be stressed or upset, you still remain smiling

Money is your motivation, but more than that it is your passion
You hear that special calling, and because of that you always stay true

Your music is your dedication, and your devotion is to your fans
To you, music is unique and special, a beautiful gem.

Some days it gets frustrating and demanding
But when you are set forth toward your goal, nobody can stop you.. and I love that about you.

Each day you remind yourself why you work so hard
Making differences in lives through a major platform, you have so much potential

There's a special pride in artists, and a love for what you do
I am appreciative of you, and I want you in my life for the rest of time. I am proud of you.

How do you find the energy, to do the things you do on the daily
As well as put up with me.
How do you find the energy, to push me further everyday, while pushing yourself?
How do you find the energy, to maintain your own emotions, as well as helping me with mine?
I'm going to be honest, I don't know how you do it all, but I am so happy that I found you
More than that, I'm happy that you are in my life
As my lover.

Because of you, a girl feels loved daily
Because of you, a girl believes she has potential to get far in life
Because of you, a girl finds herself waking up with smiles each day
Because of you, a girl feels worthwhile
Because of you, a girl learns to love and be expressive, rather than hide her inner emotions
Because of you, a girl learns to have patience, but also to not be lazy
To understand the value of work
Because of you, I remain persistent even when things get rough
Because of you, I find comfort in loving arms, especially yours.
You are my person
And you made my life a whole lot better

I keep our memories together in this tiny shoebox placed into the back corner of my mind.
I keep the words that you have spoken to me inside of that box
Including the actions you've done, the way you've made me feel.
I keep the thoughts that I've never told you about, inside.
As well as the freaky **** that constantly crosses my mind.
The symbolic measures that pass me, about you
Such as you being my feather, and you caressing me with your touch.
Inside of the same box.
I keep all these beautiful meanings, tucked and organized
Because when I am ready to fully love you, and admit it
These memories will find their way out of the hidden box
And into my mind, spoken through my words.
I've got you stuck in every aspect of my head
Including my dreams
Can you get out, please?

If I had the words to describe how I truly feel about you
If I had the words to explain to you my worries that ache through my heart
If I had the words to speak and decipher my own self
I would be the happiest woman in the universe.
But words seem to fail me time and time again
So we both have to settle with the messages hidden within these poems.

Your touch, your laugh, your presence, and your mind
Mesmerize me completely
I've caught ropes with your personality
Let me just say that..
If I had one true wish
Besides to be successful,
It would be to stay by your side for eternity.

Do you ever lay around and wonder how differently life would be if you and I never met?
Do you ever think that maybe things could have gone better or easier
Or even worse..
Do you ever see that maybe we were meant for each other at this point in time
Of both of our lives?
Maybe because we are both so self-attained to growth
Trying to become the best of the best
But also fulfill our own goals and make sure everyone around us is doing fine.
Do you ever realize how alike yet so different we are?
Maybe if we hadn't met
We wouldn't have known how we're supposed to feel
In a relationship like this
Or how we should be treated
And loved.. cared for.
But do you ever lay around and wonder.. if I'm the one made for you, for the future too?

When I cannot say my emotions in words
You look deeply into my eyes
And understand just about everything I might be going through
Though at first it was creepy as hell
It's my favorite thing about you.
You understand me at times when I don't even understand myself
You listen to me at times where my thoughts are clouded
And I jump from one topic to another
You're patient with me
Respectful towards me
Loving to me.
You always tell me
The distance between us at the moment
Is only to make our relationship stronger
And for us to be more grateful with the time that we do have together.

Lastly, I appreciate you beginning to give your heart to me
And trusting me with your pride
I appreciate you as a person
And everything you've brought upon to me.

You make me calm when I'm angry
Make me joyous when I'm upset
Make me laugh when I want to cry
The moment you stepped foot into my life
It felt as if everything had just flipped upside down
You believed in me
And supported me when no one else did
Pushed me further when no one else did
When I'm with you it feels like time flies so fast
Yet when we're apart, time goes by painfully slow.
My favorite that you've taught me
Whether you realized it or not..
Is that I don't need you, but I do want you.
I'm good without you, and I will always be..
But you coming into my life was a blessing.

If I could go back in time today,
To the day we met
I wouldn't change a single thing.
Everything was so perfectly planned
Emotions began to form quickly, yet at the same pace
And to this day,
Two months later,
We're good.
Though if I could go back in time today,
Way before we met
I would tell myself
That someone perfect for you, is coming
And to stop fw these lame men
Who don't care for you
And wait for you to get a real one.
If I could go back in time today,
To the last time I saw you
I would hug you a little bit tighter
I miss you more and more each day.

It seems like..
Every morning when I awaken, you're right there.. running through my head.
Any time I'm working on something, I begin to wander, how would it be if you were here beside me?
I don't know why I can't stop thinking about you all the time
It's like those dark memories from my past were snatched and replaced with joyous thoughts
The brutal scenes that would constantly repeat over and over, have been replaced with snippets of the times we've spent together
I am far away from solitude, and for once it feels nice.
My mind feels as if it is at peace.

No matter how far, nor how long it takes for us to see each other
I can promise you one thing - my love is yours.
I am here waiting for us to reunite and begin life as normal.
I'm drawn to you in many different ways.
&This is why God brought us together
This is not a coincidence.. it's a sign.
Not only are you my best friend
But you are my partner
My mentor
My anchor
My blessing.
For once..
Reality is finally better than my dreams..

Today made me realize.. to be a woman is one of the most difficult challenges we are constantly thrown back into
The amount of pain that we go through.. the men that cross our paths
How I am afraid of some of these boys that walk right beside us
Act as if they are our friends, care for us
Yet the minute we stand alone.. all morals become forgotten.
I know how difficult it must be, to be someone in your position
To hear something so heartbreaking and cold, especially about someone you care for deeply.
I just want to let you know, that I am in the process of healing
I am still trying to find my voice, and myself.
I try to forget about her and everything tied to her, my old self.
But it is harder than anyone can imagine
Those memories of what people have done to me repetitively
Destroyed my trust, crushed my heart
I'm surprised I even let you in.
But I'm thankful.
Each day for me is a struggle, I am still learning to get past all the traumatic experiences in my life
I want to thank you for being such a great man to me
But most importantly,
To be a great man with morals.
Sad to say, but there really aren't many like you.

Writing through one of my fears.

I am afraid of the dark.
The loneliness that is attached to it
The pain that is afflicted to my soul when it becomes pitch black
How the mind loses itself and begins to replay thoughts that had been tucked into this deep, tiny corner inside a vessel of my heart
How memories become reoccurring images inside of my brain
I am afraid of the dark
How again..
When the sun becomes the moon..
I lose myself.

This is my confession.

No matter how deep in darkness I am
No matter how much negativity is placed into my heart
No matter the amount of despair striking my mind.
I will always find enough light to adore you, and love you.
It's in my thoughts that you are not only perfect for me, but that you are mine.
Let's just say, I do a lot of thinking before I hit my bed.
I play scenes over and over inside my head
The day we met, the *** we've had, the way I've felt in your arms
I practice the things I want to say
Being transparent with you, being vulnerable.
I have endless "what ifs"
Such as "what if we don't last" "what if we hurt one another"
But that is all tucked away into this little corner in the back of my mind
I think about how much I miss you
How much I hate being far away from you
I ask myself why do I have a lot of questions.
But most importantly,
I ask myself.. why am I constantly thinking about the past and the future,
But never the present?

Talking directly to my own body.

I am coming to you as my new self, with peace.
With love towards you now, that I had never felt in the past.
There are days that I would feel upset, and I apologize for placing my negative thoughts onto you.
I apologize for the time I had spent, carving harsh words deeper into my epidermis until I felt the pain inside of my blood.
I apologize for the amount of times that I had tried to take my own life, and the affliction it must have caused you as well as everyone around me.
I apologize for the times that I would starve myself, just because I was not comfortable with the way I looked.
I apologize for the times that I would look in the mirror with disgust, with hate not only towards you..  but also my own self.
I apologize for treating you as if you weren't mine, as if I could get rid of you.
I apologize for letting men take you, and not pushing hard enough to get away while they were getting their pleasure, without my consent.
I apologize for not seeing the beauty in you, that I see now.
You are beautiful, and you are a part of me.

If I could give you one gift in life,
It would be the ability to experience your identity
Through my eyes.
The way you make me feel, the way I see you
The way I care for you, the way you make me calm.

You are my peace, my soft place in this cruel world.
You are my guiding light, my best friend.
Sometimes I believe that
It was so easy, how I began falling in love with you
It frightens me.
I've never felt this deeply for someone in my past, and I've dated for years before.
I've never wanted anything so much as I want to be in your arms, and in your presence.. especially while I sleep.
I'm afraid that if I do start loving you deeply,
What if we end things?
I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop.