You hurt me to the point where I began to feel numb.
God had risen up and shown me plenty of signs but I ignored them all because I wanted you.
I passed through all of the pain and all of the nights crying myself to sleep wondering how you felt about me.
I loved you more and more everyday, I sacrificed things for you, I was genuinely here for you.
You led me on with no remorse, you didn't even bother to come back and check up on me.
I told you my past, I explained how I was afraid, I opened up and showed you my pain..and all you did was reenact my torture
So forgive me if I act like you are a stranger, and forgive me if I treat you as if I never wanted you
That is how you know that you hurt me to my core, and the worst of it all, was that it was unexpected.
..you were the one that told me to expect the unexpected.

I hate showing my emotions.
I don't like other people getting the satisfaction of knowing how I feel and having that over me.
I have been gaslighted, manipulated, emotionally abused.
So how much of a fool would I be, to sit here and become vulnerable with another human being.. who has the power to do that to me again?

It gets draining trying to have conversations with people who go out of their way to look for something to complain about.
It gets draining trying to even converse with others when you aren't in the right state of mind to.
It gets draining to have to start over and learn everything about another person.
It gets draining to take things back to square one and become vulnerable with yet, another person
Who's just going to end up leaving again..

Now that you've been with me for a bit, you've seen just about every part of me.
The frustration that comes from just about everybody
The depression that rots inside of my mind, no matter how much I write or how much in peace with life I am
The anxiety that takes over me, no matter the dosage of medication nor breathing that helps long-term
You've seen me be a mess and that is why I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid that you've seen me in these ways, especially in my vulnerability, you've seen me want you
I've told you I love you
I'm afraid now that you know these things.. you'll leave me
Because honestly, these parts of me.. my anxiety especially
My mental need to want to be with you at all times
Especially each night..
Is what I've been trying to hide from the beginning.
I'm scared. I get so scared.
I want to be someone you choose, and someone you'll eventually love. Not someone who bothers you constantly, nor someone who distracts you from your passion.
I'm learning TJ and I see my faults.. please bear with me.
But most importantly, please don't leave me.

Many times I feel lonely
I don't know why or what's wrong with me
I thought that leaving home would be my complete peace
But it's been worse since then.
I feel like I have no friends
And I feel like I bother everyone I meet.

Sometimes I want to bawl and let all my emotions out
I just can't take my thoughts or handle my feelings most times.
My heart is at a disadvantage
My mind is eating itself and pulling my thoughts apart
Who knew
A person who is all smiles and has everything she needs,
Could still be in so much internal pain?
I need help..

I feel like your pawn
I feel like a burden in your eyes
I feel like.. maybe we aren't meant for each other.
I feel like I bother you more than keep you happy
I feel like I'm just another girl and not someone you want to make yours
I feel like.. I'm too attached to you.
I care too much about you
I want to do everything for you
I'm starting to feel too much for you
I don't know how to not be so attached to you, when you're perfect to me.
No I'm not saying humans can be perfect, but you are what I've been looking for this entire time.
I'm just afraid, just like I've always been.
I don't want to be too much for you, I don't want to keep bothering you
I just don't know why I'm so attached to you.

I said "I love you" for the first time last night.
I was sitting there in a comforting space, with the person I'm meant to be with.
He pushes me to communicate, he is my definition of perfection.
He knows me completely, from head to toe.
Every curve on my body to every thought in my brain.
At first I was afraid of what his response was going to be..
But he gave me the perfect one.
"I'm getting there."

I want him forever.