I so desperately
wanted to see her in
myself
So that she would not be lost
forever
I traced my frail features
From the topography of my irises
To the fold of my nose
The thin of my lips
I found an avalanche of
memories of her and me
in the deep of my eyes
and the curve of my face
The brown of my skin
lay the very fabric of remembrance
Of what it was like to be her daughter
I wept until I couldn't see.

Most days you choke and sometimes you breath.
You're suffocating and bruised from the noose around your neck.

Creating problems in your head, haunting yourself.
Driving your  mind into the abyss.

Never mind the arguments
You're too exhausted from fighting yourself to fight anyone.

It's always the internal wars that are the most impossible to win
One can't escape themselves.

Gobbling up life’s ******* by the spoonful
Sorting through this mammoth pile of **** all
In the hope of unearthing
The veiled reason.

With a heavy gait
She trampled on the heart that loved her fiercely and without  reservation

A thorn she was, disguised as a lily
To him, the prettiest of flowers
Pulling back the veil to see she was the poison gnawing at his heart

What followed was the corrosion of the love he felt for her by the ludicrous vile flavour of her deception
Her ignition of an empty flame that should have never been lit
Was nothing new
Started fires only  to leave them burning along with her paramours

Feeding off of hearts and basking in the victory of her betrayal of souls was the only thing that sustained her

The red woman in the midnight blue dress
Possessed a beauty beyond compare
With a frost covered heart
And snake scales beneath her fair skin
It was her who murdered love.

The day I met you
I woke to find violets
Blooming in the spaces
Between my ribcage
The awakener of spirit
Offering the gift of reprieve
Now safely tucked inside a rememberer's heart

I would have fled my home
Left the door ajar
To run towards loving you boldly
Arms outstretched
I fancied you would return
My devoted bones
Still wanting you  

I still find you hovering
In memories laced with fiction
The ardency of my need
Like the way the frothy sea
Longs for the shore
Uninterrupted in time
Reaching towards never away
Evermore

You were the crimson hue
That incardinined my skies
Setting my core ablaze
Into a raging inferno
The efflorescence of my becoming.

Wilting:

October roared in
With a cold embrace
It burned inside of me
The leaves decayed
Earth sank to grief
I could feel the sound of death
Humming in my bones.

Rooting and blooming:

March sashayed in
with a gentle breeze
These flowers
of my becoming
Blooming, blousy
Unrestrained
Bending in time
Towards the sun.

I hope you'll have
the strength the clear the road you are on
You are a conquerer
I know you'll have the heart .

In the twilight of dreams
The hollow corridors echo
Louder than ever before
The walls are smeared
In nostalgia
Memories creep in
And congests weary minds

Somehow
We march onwards
Like intrepid lions
Cognisant of unkind truth
The way is long
And if we crumble now
We may never recover.

The love of my life
Is a simpleton
Lagging behind
The timeline of life
Late in acquiring ownership of tangibles
And other worldly nonsense
Society deems necessary
Making him feel inadequate

A late bloomer
With a heart riddled with regret
And hands that carry the burdens
Of his forefathers

He is a knowledgeable man
Of a quarter of a century old
Humour pours out of him
So much so it should be unlawful

He is a composer of melodies
A metal head of sorts
A homebody with an affinity for alcohol

A lanky physique
That adds to his appeal
Pale brown eyes
That glisten multicoloured hues
In the light of day
Darkening blonde hair
Coffee stained teeth
A sincere smile that warms your heart
And the most exquisite nose I have ever seen

He tucks away his bloodied
Bruised heart
Always guarded
Masking his true nature
So he can be “that”  guy
The noble one

He belongs to no one
Someday, soon.. he will
I dread the arrival of that day
For he will never be mine
To worship

Aimless wander
In the unfathomed depths
I drove into the walls of truth
Disentangled my mind
From the imprudent rationalisation
Of the subjective.

In my veiny skeletal  hands, is a war
One which I did not start
Just a innocent bystander
Watching my solid foundation turn into powder
Reeled in involuntarily
Siding with one party
Making an enemy of myself to the other party
A war which wasn't mine
A war I was not shielded  from
A war that ended long ago
In my mind the war is still alive
I know not why I carry it with me

Like the scars on the  flesh that covers my carpus
The scars in my mind run deep
They will never fade

In my frail heart therein lies memories
Of a past ought to be forgotten
The memories I cling to
To fuel my hatred
Like pouring diesel into a burning fire
Sustaining this fury that burns inside of me
Lugging resentment like that massive suitcase too big for you to carry

Forever the oversensitive one
These overwhelming emotions are taking over
From here on now rationality  has been lost

This war will be my demise
Bitterness in an incurable sickness

An agglomeration of accomplishments
Trophies enameled with false hope
And worth their weight in insignificance
They keeping piling up endlessly
Scatter them around this ice-cold structure we call home
So we can marvel at the sight of them
In our blissful illusion

Let the realism invade our psyches
To claim it’s rightful place.

Tethered to this pedestal
The highest I have ever seen
It is a long way down this precipitous *****
I want to descend
Then smash it to smithereens

Finger nails peeling off
As I scratch away at the wall
To tear it down so I can flee
Out
Of this womb of perpetuated cloistered existence.

On the first day of the year
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed
This year
Nothing changed
And yet everything changed
The bad obscured the good
Completely.

Governed by disorders
Trials galored
Tribulations were scarce
Shredding me were my emotions
As I ricocheted between mood swings
I took permanent residence in the doldrums
Walked on the razor’s edge
Sank deeper
The chasm is endless

Tripped by sorrow
I fell on my ****
Staggering, I rose
Fell then rose again
Only to be handed
Another ******* pill

Sempiternal thirst
For internal calmness
Remains unquenched

Refusing to take anything
Away from myself
Veering off the pessimism lane
Allowing the optimism
To settle in my blood
I feel compelled to admit
Irregardless of the turmoil
This has been a year of
Milestones
Transformations
Achievements
Realisations
And fractional clarity
On the blinding forest that is life

I shedded my second skin
As I went along
Not completely renewed
Almost...
Or not at all
I don’t know

I grew some *****,
As they are essential in life

I blew out the candle
Lit for the one
Who will never be mine
I watched the flame fade away
But the thoughts of him did not

The road ahead is the toughest yet

I am placing the  few good memories
Of the year in a jar
To carry with me
Into the forthcoming new year
These memories, it seems
Are for keeps.

Reel me into your web of lies
On cold plate serve me an apology strung of words of fakery
All the while forcing me to drink your hateful spiel like absinthe

Lets do our same old dance
You set alight my volatile temper causing it to detonate
I prance on your ego and scream you're nothing

With our words we keep weaving this blanket of fury we live under
And the fumes inside are suffocating both of us
You my tormentor and I your victim, unwilling.

If this animosity is a ship we are on
It is sinking and we are going down with it
Either way
Your move

I would drag my soul to a better place on my own but I seem to be stuck in (my) cement.

I'm lost in a sea of confusion, regret and hopelessness
I can’t face that fatal drop
Life could be amazing

A profound sense of fear, that completely erases all my hope.
I need that reassuring gaze of yours to make it all melt away.

There's a gaping hole in my chest  from when I ripped my  own heart out
How was I to know I would bleed endlessly

Throw me some rope, grab my hand and never let me go
The road is wearier and you're all I've got

Losing you has been the most fundamental loss of my entire existence
It's like yearning to go home
But not being able to go ever go back
Or desperately trying to get a hold of
something intangible
my feet unsteady
On the muddy terrain of grief

For the both of us
I vowed to carry on
I must
Just often times
the air
gets hard to breathe
And I yearn for you
more than you'll ever know
My hands shake
The will be is
I am weighed down
with guilt, shame and fear
I would sell my soul for a room next to yours
I would have lassoed the moon to present it at very your feet
Forgive me,
I never bought you a pair of shoes
I never had the chance

The living have to live
Time keeps staggering on to nowhere.

Dreams like boulders
Cemented
Onto weary shoulders
Fingernails bled a scarlet tinted hue
From holding onto precipitous edges
Face turned away from the almost
Gazing into the crevice
Of an unpromised tomorrow
The glimmer of borrowed sunlight
Waned and the foreboding returned
The grey became the author
Of all that she was.

Restless winds blew my way
As I stood in the epicenter  
Gazing at the eerie panorama
Of the city of the dead
In that moment death
Seized to be
A bone trembling distant threat
That triggered a ludicrous
Desire to flee
To a sphere where
It would never find me
Instead in that very moment
It became a vivid promise
Someday
I will be laid into the ground
And to dust I shall return.

Tonight I felt this wave of contentment hit me

Though fleeting
It uplifted my spirits

Offered momentanous     restoration of hope that remains wedged at bottom of this skeptical heart

Emptiness has darkened my eyes as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
......not literally
I'm enveloped in darkness
It's not safe in here anymore
Where is this light that I was promised would be there at the end of this god forsaken tunnel

Maybe if I push my fingers into my eyes... to rupture my sight..
All the **** I've had to put myself through would just.... fall away
I don't understand this free fall I'm in
I'm scared because the worst part of this mental illness is catching up with me
I'm somewhere between total recovery and total relapse
I can't dance around this anymore


I have to recover.

I felt you in my future
and i knew you'd be mine
in my dreams
Visceral certainty
when you came to me
it shocked my faculties
where you really here
i am not used to this sort
of fortune
You were too important
for me to swallow you whole
but you were all mine
The moon at my very feet
And then you were gone.

White river running
Delicately
Ethereal glow of
Twilight hues
Suffusing the atmosphere
Stark purple

Grass covered in aftermath
Of night's freezing cold
Miniature icicles
Tapering on mossy rocks
Melting with the sun's
Scattered rays
Unruffled indulgence
Bone-chilling splendour
In the arms of the mountain mist

You sat on your throne built from the fear you instilled in us
Proclaimed yourself sovereigner of our minds
Shackled us to the hem of your blood stained trousers
Created a prison built on futile wrath

The multiple personalities you own swapped roles
The good, the bad and the ugly
When the good revealed  itself all of our hate melted away and we saw this beautiful side to you
You would then play the victim
Appealed to our emotions prompting us to abandon all reason

The vicious cycle recurred, like they always do
It's as though you fed us ****
Fed us full
And yet we still came back begging for more
Such fools we were to believe your redemption could be found

We burned in our rage
Broke the mental chains
The ******* king with a murderous game had been overthrown

Now you lie on your death bed made of thorns
The crows are cawing in the distance waiting to feast upon your remains
Not a ounce of guilt over  my utterance of the fact that you got what you deserve and more

It's not hard watching you shrivel.

A tomorrow draped in murk
Domiciled in the moons shadow,
Recoiled
I'll betray my chemistry
To quell the the ache
Congealed at my feet
off the path of reason
These winds casting me
Adrift
To rest my bones
On fleeting conscious

The phantasma of bliss
Trails my blood
Lulling the deafening
Sounds of calamity's foreboding
This spent gift of reprieve
Acidic destruction brewing
In the tip of fingers
Break to bloom
The lingering everblack
Subduing daybreak
Recoiled in nevermore
Biting my tongue
Holding tales of anguish
Beneath my tenuous breath

The uncontrolled seasons of regurgitation
Kneeling to a devilish god
Sacred that shove

Utmost devotion to the abhorrent ritual
A cult of one
In the name my lord perfection : exquisitely emaciated

Romanticising arrhythmic heart beats
Glamourising protruding hip bones
Deeming them elegant
Poetising the lethargy
All the while being fully cognisant
Of simple truth
Perfection is six feet under

Lime coloured porcelain
Anxious ****** expression
The uncontrolled seasons of regurgitation
Will it ever end.

The shadow of death
Seeps through the fissures
In the walls
Carefully sculpted
Arcadian descent
Ominous, fated
Where has this life
Drained away to
All that remains is
Discarded fervour
Inertia's unflinching grip

Past the border of
illusionary threadbare mirth
Lies blinding white
A penumbra of defeaning static
Looming over the being
The violent hollow that consumes
And never dies.

I am the poison ivy coiled around her feet
Rendering her motionless and helpless
With lesions covering her body

She loves me violently and without limitation
Offers herself as sacrifice
In the hope of seeking my emancipation

Succumbed to the disorder, once again
My area of expertise
Mutterings of my meaningless sorries evaporate in the air
My head stays bowed
Just a relapse away from my demise

Immersed in water
Caught in the cruel unrelenting undertow
The weight of my burdens dragging me down
Sinking now
Suffocating
Suffoca……

In the company of undiluted sadness
She vomits verses upon verses
Swathes emotion
In amassed bundles of metaphor
Chokes on truth
Squeezes out the blood
For the sake of creation
And
Perhaps a cure
For the feeling

Silent screaming
Traversing the precarious
Corridors of her mind
The ricochet of sound
Awakening the repressed
Opening the floodgates of
The repugnant murk
The face of her darkness
She knows not its name
Or how it found her.