Chasing your impalpable light
With my arms outstretched
The ardency
Of debilitating need
Polluting veins
Sleep walking
In the corridors of habit
Mumbling your name.

Grief blooms to break
Like wildflowers
Corroding spine, brittle
Wrapped in debris
The visceral need to immortalise
This parenthesis in eternity
Clouds dissipating between fervent hands
Precious transiency
Colliding with undying longing
Soil in my fingers, still
This unforgiving tide
Drowning me at sea.

She looked so defeated
Lying on that filthy stiff mattress
In a dingy room
With no furniture
Light or life
The walls were sticky with bleakness
The atmosphere reeked of poverty

Clutching her throbbing belly
Cradling nothingness
I prayed she would not cry
For I would not have been emotionally equipped
To handle such state of affairs
Face swollen, skin inflamed
Unbothered by her unkempt hair
A slight tremble in her voice
My heart sank and burned a hole in the floor

The sound of the small television
In the corner
Sliced the silence
My mouth was dry of words
If only I could shove my hand
Down my throat
To pluck the right words to say
Out of my core

Words of sympathy can be an insult
When nothing you say
Can lessen the hurt
I said nothing
When our eyes met I said all I had to say
Tacitly.

It's amazing,
How when one is down in the dumps
one finds melancholy in everything
Like the simple sound of water as it collects in the porcelain sink

Stark loneliness like razor blades licking the flesh
The piercing silence once cherished becomes unbearable
Sometimes all a human needs is the sound of another person flipping pages in the next room

No trace of the morning's lucidity
Or serenity

Like clockwork the numbing ensues

The perennial rain complements the lingering depression
And so does the black hoodie on my back.

A cool date would be one were we
Dig up the bones of my
forefathers
Attach fresh severed heads onto their dehydrated skulls
Dress them in the latest fashion
Then dance the night away under the glorious moonlight.

Inevitable descent into the sphere of hopelessness
Something catch me, please

These bones of mine will disintegrate
The empty will be triumphant with it's ever consuming dominance

I reach for what keeps me afloat
What never fails
What sustains me.

Assemble misaligned stars
To watch them fall
Doors open wide
Motionless
Captive
Of an invisible tether

Propelled by dreams  
Of holding the bended hands of time
In the palm of trembling hands
To return to a better place

Hovering in the corridors
Of uncertainty
Merciless rumination
psychosomatic ruin
Cowardly lioness
Once of intrepid spirit.

Reaching out for something bigger than me
I don't believe in who I am
I believe in the person I am trying to be
I want to be the person I deserve to be
Altering the self, who am I again

I can't understand how some people are so alive within such a small existence they can't think of anything more than living in it or creating
something outside of it.
Have they grown so complacent so much so they delude themselves into thinking they have everything they could ever want.
This constant state of want and longing has left me a stranger to myself
Perhaps if I wasn't so ambitious I'd happy
I am "happy"....  sometimes... that person is a  heightened version of me I can never keep.
Forever ricocheting from extreme ecstasy to extreme sorrow
It is imperative I find an in-between lest I rattle myself apart... Again

You leave shards of your halo
Hovering over my very essence
Dispossesing rational
Sowing the root of need
Your soil in my fingernails
Nurturing
A plant hungering for effloresce
To pry from your ungenerous fists
These half hearted declarations
Laced with fiction
Spewed
From your mildewed heart
Bruising disposition
In absence of rue
Yet to descend
From where which holds it captive

You leave shards of being
Catacombed within
My vacuous heart
Rebellious desire
Betraying intention
To Spiral in your opaque

A desire doused in vermilion
The unquenchable thirst for the sweet fluid that pumps through your  veins
To the point where it enrages and cages

Engraving my name on your ribs so I'll be forever near your heart
Cradling your heart in my palm
To change the rhythm of it's beating so it grows fond of me

Don't shiver when I call out your name
I feed from you because
I know what's best for you
Can't you see you need me
You're nothing without me
Now hush! Let's go for a drive and kiss me at the tombs
Play with my hair some more, pull it out in clumps then choke me
I promise I'll beg for more

Soon we will be joined in matrimony
I picked out our song
A death metal number for our first dance
Infinity is you and I
I will wear my dress of doom
With the teeth of your former lovers as a necklace
You will wear your leather jacket and motorcycle boots
You will kneel and profess your undying love for me
If you ever leave me
I'll **** you
Because I love you

Emptiness has darkened my eyes as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
......not literally
I'm enveloped in darkness
It's not safe in here anymore
Where is this light that I was promised would be there at the end of this god forsaken tunnel

Maybe if I push my fingers into my eyes... to rupture my sight..
All the **** I've had to put myself through would just.... fall away
I don't understand this free fall I'm in
I'm scared because the worst part of this mental illness is catching up with me
I'm somewhere between total recovery and total relapse
I can't dance around this anymore


I have to recover.

On the first day of the year
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed
This year
Nothing changed
And yet everything changed
The bad obscured the good
Completely.

Governed by disorders
Trials galored
Tribulations were scarce
Shredding me were my emotions
As I ricocheted between mood swings
I took permanent residence in the doldrums
Walked on the razor’s edge
Sank deeper
The chasm is endless

Tripped by sorrow
I fell on my ****
Staggering, I rose
Fell then rose again
Only to be handed
Another ******* pill

Sempiternal thirst
For internal calmness
Remains unquenched

Refusing to take anything
Away from myself
Veering off the pessimism lane
Allowing the optimism
To settle in my blood
I feel compelled to admit
Irregardless of the turmoil
This has been a year of
Milestones
Transformations
Achievements
Realisations
And fractional clarity
On the blinding forest that is life

I shedded my second skin
As I went along
Not completely renewed
Almost...
Or not at all
I don’t know

I grew some *****,
As they are essential in life

I blew out the candle
Lit for the one
Who will never be mine
I watched the flame fade away
But the thoughts of him did not

The road ahead is the toughest yet

I am placing the  few good memories
Of the year in a jar
To carry with me
Into the forthcoming new year
These memories, it seems
Are for keeps.

Dispassionate heart
Summoning the chill
A skeleton of your former self
Domiciled within
These impediments

Panic prone
Arguing with fate

Weary of your blue
For how long will you
Linger in the shadows

Your words perforated my skin and like venom seeped into my veins
Motivation to peel skin from the bone

I once wore these emotional scars as scales on skin, used them as armour
Now I wear them like a noose around my neck

Weak

A little landslide and I fall off the cliff

I recollect the darkest of days
They drained the emotion in me,
Drained ME

Dead-eyed... so innocent
I hold my breath and wait for this turmoil to pass
I fear it will remain with me until I depart
Emptiness will always be empty
Darkness will always be dark
The dark always prevails, devouring the light
Devouring me

The light that ruled the day receded
Fragments of you
Seeped through the cracks
Of a perfectly orchestrated facade
Your authentic self lay
Exposed to the elements
Your halo unhinged overnight
The leavings of your unmasking
Some faceless thing
Fading into the mist.

These feelings of hopelessness attack me constantly like a tidal wave
And when they do they leave me feeling like I’ll forever live my life being trivial.

It’s something I can’t explain
Like how the wind blows suddenly and violently and in it’s aftermath leaves nothing but pandemonium.

I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions.
My ability to control them diminishes everyday.

If my future is something that is in the cards and if it’s what I want it to be then I want it now.

This feeling of longing for distant places and different people is consuming me.
I long for a life I’ve never had…
Not something better… Something different.

I miss someone I have never met…
Someone I’m not sure even exists.

I can’t accept that this is all I’ll ever be.
There is a possibility that things will change and a possibility that it will stay the same.
The odds are it’ll get worse if I don’t stop digging myself into a bottomless pit.

I’m screaming silently only I can hear the harsh sounds of my stifled screams
The noise is deafening.

I feel like I’ve been falling off a cliff since the day I was born..
When will I finally slam onto the ground?! I’m not afraid anymore..
Maybe I need to reach an even lower rock bottom
before I can stop fighting myself

It comes and goes in gigantic waves and it leaves me feeling like I’ll never be more than this.

You can take your approval
And shove it where the sun don't shine
Weary of running on your hamster wheel of validation waiting to be fed tiny morsels of **** all at irregular intervals, when you see fit
No more waiting anxiously for the faint green light
Or the half arsed thumps up
Before proceeding with any course of action
Who the hell do you think you are?

Please get off your highly horse or I swear I'll shove you off it myself

Treading on egg shells around you everyday  for 8030 days
Today I choose to stomp on them
Repeatedly
Go ahead and blow your lid off
Master of savage rows
See if I care

Remember how 3 years ago you uttered your vile sentiments
What was is it again?
I would never excel in my studies
Those words reverberated in my head in each and every examination I wrote
In my rage and pursuit to prove you wrong
I prevailed

Thank you for lacking belief in me and the negativity I guess
Narcissist assoholic.

Happiness to me is looking so fragile, so tiny
Hollowed out
Saggy jeans
Sharp protruding hip
bones that make me grin when I peek at my reflection in the mirror
Twig like legs
The visible spine on my back once covered by
flesh that has since disappeared
The glorious collar bones how they symbolise control of the self, superiority, victory
Counting my ribs when I lightly breathe in
The veins on my hands how they encourage me to keep restricting

The voice embedded in my head with her constant whispers - Just a little more and you'll be perfect - she lies It's never enough
The stares, how I love to hate them... the more stares the more sick I look proof that perfection is within my reach

I am forever feeling faint, drained, disoriented and always near collapsing
Hunger gnawing away inside of me
And yet this feels like success

The shackles keep getting tighter  the older I get
Binding me and blinding me with

My disorder beats me into nothing
Sleep is no longer an escape, Even in my dreams it's still there... Tormenting me

This treacherous debilitating
illness
My mind is not my own anymore
It took everything from me to the point where most nights I am unsure if I will wake up in the morning
I'm still here, fighting the
fight and that counts

The elusiveness of recovery
The complication of it
How I never will, recover
I will always be haunted

Warped fleshy perceptions
Dangerous methods
Grave consequences

Who she could have been is who she was
Going back to trace the remnants of her former self
but you can't leave footprints on concrete
Permanent alteration

She can't imagine future
The past is too harsh to mention
The words stick in the back of her throat

Obscuration of triumphs by all the tragedies that reign
A sullen disposition ingrained in her entire being
Looking at the world through jade-coloured glasses
She's too young to be this cynic

You can see the sadness in the brown of her irises
A kind of sadness that strikes a chord

I taste the emptiness
Of a life built
On the fringes of ideas
That failed to hold true
I exhale the fervour
Embody the reckless abandon
Own the rooted rage
The rigorous conception of art
I taste the blood lost

The waves of ambition
Rearranging the realities
Afloat from delusions
I taste the sweep
Of ephemeral nirvana
Savour the sweetness of
Reveries of the great
Disengage from the current
The surrender
To blissful oblivion.

I am going in for another round or two
Come February I will be
romancing giant textbooks
I am going to have my ***** deep in academia again
There's a new postgraduate student in town!

In a way this is part of my master plan to defer the reality of being ****** into the hideous job market
My relentless fruitless search for employment has left me disheartened and somewhat regretful
Though at the very end of the day I am proud of my accomplishment
I did it for me
What isn't immediately forthcoming is no reason for me to forget why I embarked on this quest for education
And why I held on
It is something no one can take away from me
The satisfaction of feeding your brain with knowledge is some kind of high
This is of course debatable

Perhaps I hide behind these books
As if  they offer me fortification
Not letting anyone in
An ice queen of note
but you can't cuddle 2 degrees
And you cannot share a meal with either

For things to fall into place I am going to be needing a rather potent  antidote for my general lameness.

Conjure up prismatic realities
To pacify
The Unscratchable itch
Of want
With words doused in artifice
Fervour in the palm of hands
Brimming in fingertips
Lay awaste

The horizon gleams
With the sight of burgeoning despair
The halt of calm
Reason devouring the
The ephemeral mist of utopia
Razors edge has always cradled
And contained
The incorrigible dreamer

Saudade knocks on your door
Whispering September's forgotten promise
A spring that blooms
Palpable authenticity.

The righteousness of the flawed is overpowering...............

The melody of desire
Haunts
And
Engulfs

Desire, admiration
For the one with a voice like nectar
Perfect for conveying emotion
Faultless and fluid

Ombre tresses flow over striking icy blues
Embracing an enigmatic countenance
And an abundance of nonchalance
Possessed by a beautiful human
The Gods quiver at the sight of him
The hero I revere.

The tumultous pull of religion versus the heart
Religion dictates actions sometimes at the forefront and most times in the background
Residuum of beliefs
I was raised in are forever present
You cannot simply  forsake what you know no matter how stifling it is
My faith is paper thin
Like an exterior skin I wore
It is sliding off me
And I lay bare exposing my authentic self

A hybrid
A product of both sides
To truly be free cut me
right in two
Perhaps I will win
this tug of war between two worlds
In the midst of confusion
Both sides pulling me in the opposite directions

Asphyxiating in this  cardboard box of conformity
I was never sold to their ism to begin with
Sick of pretending
Squeezing myself into a jar of good behaviour
A sticker on my forehead
For being an obedient girl

The rigid rules of the little black book are weighing me down
I still believe, I do
The rope....  needs more slack

Faith latches on and never leaves
but
My heart speaks louder.

Certain aspects of my life have remained constant
While I have been increasing my efforts so I can accomplish my objectives farther

The results I am achieving are not in proportion to my efforts
The more effort I put in
The more the fruits of my labor diminish
Negative returns from relentless pursuits
Perhaps there is such a thing called trying too hard
I am failing to move farther up the curve of productivity
Life has become a slippery *****
Where the more I try, the only direction I head is down

I am craving a violent re-invention
I have not reached my full potential
And yet I seem to be stifled.

A soul pulsating
With effervescence
Will invade your spirits
Like the raging sea
And freeze
The misaligned fragments
Of your hardened heart
Shatter it into pieces
With a cold disposition
As your eyes widen
Then rearrange it
To make it whole.

Submerged
Under the deluge
Of your revulsion
Bloodletting tyrant
With cataclysmic desires
The monomanical devotion
To your insatiable thirst
For malevolence
Has betrayed us all.

Gobbling up life’s ******* by the spoonful
Sorting through this mammoth pile of **** all
In the hope of unearthing
The veiled reason.

The certitude of abandon
Clear like the diamond on her ring
I was always bound to be the one
Left with my heart
Throbbing outside of my chest
Consumed in adoration
This life ebbs away
With torrents of unkind truth
It congeals at my feet, my dear
This inexorable despair.