I am forever in a state of delusion and dreaming that blinds me from reality

I spend hours imaging the most perfect version of myself that I want to be but fail to be
I convince myself reality is like what I’m conjuring up the realisation that it's not, crushes me
I am always surprised every time
Like it's something new

I am standing behind myself waiting to step inside myself and embrace reality and embrace the person I am but I cannot because I hold my hopes in the person I could be

Sometimes I feel like I want to step outside of myself but every
attempt I always fall off a cliff

I want to peel these layers of ******* I am hiding under

I am searching for the calm
An end to these hideous emotions that have become a burden

Dizzy from going around in circles in this tiny world with such an insignificant existence
Repeating the same behaviours
Being eaten by the same conflictions
I have been fighting demons for years
And I have spent a decade fighting myself when I should've been happy

Sometimes it feels as though the
walls inside my head are caving in
My head is caving in
Scraped knees, dirt in my finger
nails from the muddy ground of
my tortured mind in a vain
attempt to crawl through the
spaces back to reality again

A prisoner of my own mind
how does one escape
themselves?!
I can't find the door
There are too many corridors
and clutter
I have to create my own door
Through the top of my  head

It was just yesterday
She had a dream
Then it flew away
On the floor
Overpowered
Melancholia is always in season

The thunderstorm inside her head refuses to come to a halt
The twisted voices are forever present
She fears they will remain with her until she decays

Swimming in the ocean of hopelessness

Her dreams are bleeding away from her
Giving rise to medicinal desires... Again

To turn off her humanity for a relaxed mind  
If only for a little while
Euphoria... dazzling colours like a rainbow after rain on a hot summer's day appear in front of her very eyes
Disassociation with her surroundings and her body, all that she craves
A ******* out like stepping into a jar of pale pink candy that later becomes a large gaping hole when it all wears off

She has abandoned the habit but she is tipping off the edge of a cliff
Anything can happen

Happiness to me is looking so fragile, so tiny
Hollowed out
Saggy jeans
Sharp protruding hip
bones that make me grin when I peek at my reflection in the mirror
Twig like legs
The visible spine on my back once covered by
flesh that has since disappeared
The glorious collar bones how they symbolise control of the self, superiority, victory
Counting my ribs when I lightly breathe in
The veins on my hands how they encourage me to keep restricting

The voice embedded in my head with her constant whispers - Just a little more and you'll be perfect - she lies It's never enough
The stares, how I love to hate them... the more stares the more sick I look proof that perfection is within my reach

I am forever feeling faint, drained, disoriented and always near collapsing
Hunger gnawing away inside of me
And yet this feels like success

The shackles keep getting tighter  the older I get
Binding me and blinding me with

My disorder beats me into nothing
Sleep is no longer an escape, Even in my dreams it's still there... Tormenting me

This treacherous debilitating
illness
My mind is not my own anymore
It took everything from me to the point where most nights I am unsure if I will wake up in the morning
I'm still here, fighting the
fight and that counts

The elusiveness of recovery
The complication of it
How I never will, recover
I will always be haunted

Warped fleshy perceptions
Dangerous methods
Grave consequences

I remember how the  sensations inside my head would get too much
It felt like acid was eating the inside of my brain
How I felt like I had reached the end of my road
You felt so helpless seeing me in that state
A medical mystery
This disease was having it's way with me
Science had failed me
All we could do was  kneel and pray

I remember the nights when all I could do was cry
You would check if I was still breathing as I slept
How you would literally hold my arm throughout the night
Not wanting to let me go
Facing the other side, I could sense your fear of losing me
Your daughter
I was slipping away

Mum, do you remember the drives we took to take my mind off it all?
Lazy afternoons, the sun burning and us feeling completely deleted by it
Playing the song "Conspiracy" on a loop
The line “explain to me this conspiracy against me” spoke volumes to me
What had I done to deserve such an illness
You hated that song but it grew on you and it became our song
well... at least I'd like to make myself believe

Closure I never got
There was never a diagnosis, it went away on it's own
The cruelty of it
Now I live in the confines of fear
what if it comes back again?
I fear I would not have the strength to fight it

I can still smell the inside of the hospital, which had become my second home
I can still taste the  medication on my tongue
The pills I got fed, do you remember?
How they sent me off the rails
How I grew dependent

It has been 2 years since I "healed"
Convinced I left a piece of myself back there
I'll never get that part of me back.
I am not even supposed to be here
Saved by grace.

The result seems so far removed from all of my efforts to get here
The chase has been accomplished, but....
The void is still unfilled
My head still full of thoughts
The darkness still drips in through the holes
Unsatisfaction
Sorrow still lingers
Why is it so
It's as though I have forgotten all that I put myself through, all my efforts

Weary of standing on the edge of this tight rope, it's getting old
I'm getting old(er)
At some point I have to let go of my conflictions but some things never fall away

My life at present is doing the exact opposite of falling apart
but I still am.

This land I have been in,
I ache for it
My heart has never ached for something like this.. that terrifies me
Being there will be some of confirmation that I have made it
Maybe just maybe I could be a human there
Affected by nothing and everything all at the same time
That in-between state always eludes me

I am back
Once more into the cage
Everything is the same as it was when I left
My old tracksuit on my bed, the shiny porcelain tiles, white curtains, polka dot duvet
Something about this familiarity is overwhelming
I clean up the mess I made before I left... try to convince myself that it isn't so bad all the while crossing my fingers tightly for that trap door to appear from nowhere

I felt like I was somebody when I was there
I felt significant
I was somebody else, someone I should be
I was a person among people
I belonged

Now I feel completely depleted, even more so than before.

I am in a state again
I cannot decide whether I want to press the blade against my skin for old times sake... Catharsis... I can almost taste that feeling again
Or whether I want to grab my chest and rip myself apart for the contents in this heart of mine to spill so I can expose my actual self

My head is filled with a plethora of incessant thoughts of impending doom
Something is brewing inside of me
The visceral part of me knows it will surface
It will happen, I have resigned myself to the fact
The collapse, the one that will be the end of me.

I can't function as a normal person and I don't know how or when that happened
I am fueled by nothing
It's a miracle I am still breathing
This was never my intention
I did not sign up for this, like everybody else

I feel a part of myself morphing into  that person I never thought I would ever be and now I can't even recognize who I actually am
I am afraid to face myself... face my reality
How much more of myself will I shed before I become someone else completely
Or maybe I'm shedding it all to become what is authentically me
However it is, I just want to feel comfortable in this skin that's apparently, mine.

I am afraid of ambitions becoming a memory
Time is moving fast... Much faster these days
I am scratching away relentlessly from sheer impatience
Waiting for that opportunity to reveal itself.

Reaching out for something bigger than me
I don't believe in who I am
I believe in the person I am trying to be
I want to be the person I deserve to be
Altering the self, who am I again

I can't understand how some people are so alive within such a small existence they can't think of anything more than living in it or creating
something outside of it.
Have they grown so complacent so much so they delude themselves into thinking they have everything they could ever want.
This constant state of want and longing has left me a stranger to myself
Perhaps if I wasn't so ambitious I'd happy
I am "happy"....  sometimes... that person is a  heightened version of me I can never keep.
Forever ricocheting from extreme ecstasy to extreme sorrow
It is imperative I find an in-between lest I rattle myself apart... Again

Just because I have air in my lungs does not mean I am alive
Mere existence, nothing more
My eyes reflect what's underneath, I am dead
No amount of fire could make this heart of mine come alive
My head aches
My hopes... Old
Dreams... Frail
And yet I still hold on

Shedding parts of myself in the hope of being someone other than who I am..what I am... If I am someone or something at all

The hand that I have been dealt is the toughest of them all
Some breeze through life
I don't...
Did I have a choice?
Predisposed to be disordered
I didn't have a choice

My head is infested with relentless demons I did not create
They are running the show
They keep multiplying
I can't do this anymore
I have tipped over the edge
I am falling down into nothing

I expose what I chose to perpetuate
Violently spill the contents in my head all over the hallway
Hang myself in front of you
        .....vulnerable
Tears fall on my cheeks
I stand there weak, powerless...frozen
You are full of ire
Never have I ever seen you in such a state
I don't understand, I can't understand.. You say I'm to blame? I cannot control this and I can't stop I'm conflicted, disordered...

It's not in my hands it hangs above me like a dark cloud of the blackest womb
It's bigger than me, bigger than all of us
It's embedded in my psyche... It is in a way part of my identity
It's claws are dug into my skin and all the way into my bones
It moves in my veins
And it's feeding on me

It's a desire for control that strips me of all control
It's not my doing
This was never about food
It was about controlling that part of my life, I could control
It was about filling the void
It was about...
becoming who I wanted to be

Gone, for now
But I can hear the echoes of your hateful never-ending vociferation in the hallway, And in my head
Swirling over and over again and again
You're everywhere

I burn in my rage
Your actions are right in what mind?!
    Tired
I can't fight you anymore
Go ahead and scream until your veins collapse into dust
It will fall on deaf ears

What's the matter?
Feel bad?
We're in the aftermath
It's too late in the day to try and make amends

I would drag my soul to a better place on my own but I seem to be stuck in (my) cement.

I'm lost in a sea of confusion, regret and hopelessness
I can’t face that fatal drop
Life could be amazing

A profound sense of fear, that completely erases all my hope.
I need that reassuring gaze of yours to make it all melt away.

There's a gaping hole in my chest  from when I ripped my  own heart out
How was I to know I would bleed endlessly

Throw me some rope, grab my hand and never let me go
The road is wearier and you're all I've got

What would be great?
To rip myself away from here in one melodramatic exit... but...
I am so entrenched in this existence
Motionless

I'm peeling myself away instead, bit by bit til I'm completely gone.
My body is still here
My spirit has moved on to new horizons.

Happiness isn't guaranteed
There is a possibility I won't find anything but loneliness.

I fear the door of opportunity will never open for me
My hope dangles on a breakable string.
fingers crossed tight
It's not the bleeding that will **** me, it's the hope.

It's just geography, change isn't certain
If (when) I leave my mind leaves with me,
My demons will leave with me.

I hold my hopes in a new land
Perhaps....... I will be a better me there.

When it falls apart it does not fall into pieces it turns into dust
And I am left with nothing to hold on to..
Nothing to re-assemble

I've grown weary of starting again, what's the point?
Nothing ever changes.
My mindset never changes

This chronic stagnation is more than I can bear.
Haunted by ghosts of irrational thoughts and emotions

I am standing in my own way.

Everything is leaking from the cracks of this sick foundation.
I've failed to contain my so called life..
I get back up and land on my knees and not on my feet.

Begging for the beast in me to set me free.

Emptiness has darkened my eyes as I hopelessly beg for my life to end
......not literally
I'm enveloped in darkness
It's not safe in here anymore
Where is this light that I was promised would be there at the end of this god forsaken tunnel

Maybe if I push my fingers into my eyes... to rupture my sight..
All the **** I've had to put myself through would just.... fall away
I don't understand this free fall I'm in
I'm scared because the worst part of this mental illness is catching up with me
I'm somewhere between total recovery and total relapse
I can't dance around this anymore


I have to recover.

Most days you choke and sometimes you breath.
You're suffocating and bruised from the noose around your neck.

Creating problems in your head, haunting yourself.
Driving your  mind into the abyss.

Never mind the arguments
You're too exhausted from fighting yourself to fight anyone.

It's always the internal wars that are the most impossible to win
One can't escape themselves.

She failed to hang onto that tiny remnant of herself

She hung on by her finger nails but it was all in vain

Her soul was never vibrant but it was still alive… only just

Now it’s shrivel and cold

Her ambitions faded in all their glory

The more she held on to them … the more they slipped farther away from her

She got weary of waking up every morning to see nothing had changed

She crossed her fingers for luck… she crossed them tight

She was falling behind

It hurt for her to breathe… the air was too thick

She was suffocating

She wanted more… she wanted everything… she wanted it all

She was fading into nothing

She never realised that she was not fading not even slightly

It was the light than shone upon her

That gigantic spark of hope and possibility

These feelings of hopelessness attack me constantly like a tidal wave
And when they do they leave me feeling like I’ll forever live my life being trivial.

It’s something I can’t explain
Like how the wind blows suddenly and violently and in it’s aftermath leaves nothing but pandemonium.

I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions.
My ability to control them diminishes everyday.

If my future is something that is in the cards and if it’s what I want it to be then I want it now.

This feeling of longing for distant places and different people is consuming me.
I long for a life I’ve never had…
Not something better… Something different.

I miss someone I have never met…
Someone I’m not sure even exists.

I can’t accept that this is all I’ll ever be.
There is a possibility that things will change and a possibility that it will stay the same.
The odds are it’ll get worse if I don’t stop digging myself into a bottomless pit.

I’m screaming silently only I can hear the harsh sounds of my stifled screams
The noise is deafening.

I feel like I’ve been falling off a cliff since the day I was born..
When will I finally slam onto the ground?! I’m not afraid anymore..
Maybe I need to reach an even lower rock bottom
before I can stop fighting myself

It comes and goes in gigantic waves and it leaves me feeling like I’ll never be more than this.

The righteousness of the flawed is overpowering...............