An agglomeration of accomplishments
Trophies enameled with false hope
And worth their weight in insignificance
They keeping piling up endlessly
Scatter them around this ice-cold structure we call home
So we can marvel at the sight of them
In our blissful illusion

Let the realism invade our psyches
To claim it’s rightful place.

Tethered to this pedestal
The highest I have ever seen
It is a long way down this precipitous *****
I want to descend
Then smash it to smithereens

Finger nails peeling off
As I scratch away at the wall
To tear it down so I can flee
Out
Of this womb of perpetuated cloistered existence.

Like a designer drug
An electronic message from you
Via a cellular phone
comprising of dull text
With no promise of a lengthy dialogue
And a somewhat dismissive connotation
Leaves me strung-out

And like my tipple
Gin and peach juice
Leaves me blisteringly intoxicated and crazed

In sheer shock
I then detonate
Like those chemical experiments done by the scientists in the laboratories of research

I haven't really laughed since 2009
He said,
He then divulged his struggles
As I did mine
We spoke of the mutual regret about not keeping in touch
But with conflicting schedules, relocations and studies
It is comprehensible we veered in opposite directions and lost contact

My estranged bestfriend

We reminiscenced about the time when we were school kids
In stiff shirts, massive floppy hats
And giant blazers we practically drowned in
How eager we were to go home
When the siren went off at 3:05pm
The shanenigans at the pavilion
In sixth form
When we were the lords of the academy

A strong grip on my giant mug as if it were the holy grail
Stirring my something that ends with cinno
Huddled in the corner of a cozy eatery

In his company once again
it felt as though I had arrived home where fire burns incessantly in the fire place
On a winter's night
With a soft blanket over my shoulders

We laughed about my truancy
And how he got kicked out of the ruby team on account of his rather lanky physique
He imitated our biology teacher and tears flowed down my cheeks
That kind of laughter
You feel in your core
And your whole body shakes

So captivated by the various discussions
We both forgot to sip on our steaming beverages

He narrated a few short stories about the events
that have taken place since we last conversed
I in turn narrated mine or lack thereof
He emphatically tilted his head to the side
God, I had missed those gestures of his
It all came flooding back
His mannerisms
The way he moves his hands when he speaks  as if he is trying to literally hold the conversation

For what seemed like a lifetime Before saying goodbye
Dead-eyed
We stared into each other's eyes
Almost as if to telepathically say
Do you remember the time
When we were so alive.

It's amazing,
How when one is down in the dumps
one finds melancholy in everything
Like the simple sound of water as it collects in the porcelain sink

Stark loneliness like razor blades licking the flesh
The piercing silence once cherished becomes unbearable
Sometimes all a human needs is the sound of another person flipping pages in the next room

No trace of the morning's lucidity
Or serenity

Like clockwork the numbing ensues

The perennial rain complements the lingering depression
And so does the black hoodie on my back.

That hospital gown really
brings out your hazel eyes, baby
Your crippling self-loathing
Affinity for Alcohol abuse
And drug dependency
Make you so magnetic
Girls do love a troubled twenty-something

Those dilated pupils  must really  pull them into your merry go round of calamitous habit  
Leading to nowhere at three hundred kilometres per hour.

The only grip you have is on that bottle of two dollar brandy
Desperately scratching away at your epidermis
Puffing cigarettes as though your sanity and  life depend on it

Voluntary admission at the place of rehabilitation
The third attempt to mend your broken self
And purify your soul
Knocking at death's door
This time it will be different, you say
No one is holding their breath.

My dear mother managed to reel me into the mandatory pre-christmas cleaning
Which drives me wildly insane
Rearranging cutlery and scouring the sink is not my ideal way of spending a Wednesday morning
I could think of worse things to have been engaged in
but this wretched activity is way up there.

In all honesty my mother's (bless her) kitchen qualifies to be on an episode of Hoarders

Depleted from obsessively dusting off countertops
I sat down sipping my green tea
Watching her take on the rearranging of the pots in the dreaded corner cupboard
Chucking out the old
Indecisive when it came to some
When the job was done
The space left was aplenty
Seeing the rusted pots and charred pans to be thrown in the trash
Then it hit me
If one harbours filth, negativity or the past
Newer and better things have no space to make their way into and settle in one's life
Re-birthing is only possible if one completely purges that which deters them from metamorphosising.

The tumultous pull of religion versus the heart
Religion dictates actions sometimes at the forefront and most times in the background
Residuum of beliefs
I was raised in are forever present
You cannot simply  forsake what you know no matter how stifling it is
My faith is paper thin
Like an exterior skin I wore
It is sliding off me
And I lay bare exposing my authentic self

A hybrid
A product of both sides
To truly be free cut me
right in two
Perhaps I will win
this tug of war between two worlds
In the midst of confusion
Both sides pulling me in the opposite directions

Asphyxiating in this  cardboard box of conformity
I was never sold to their ism to begin with
Sick of pretending
Squeezing myself into a jar of good behaviour
A sticker on my forehead
For being an obedient girl

The rigid rules of the little black book are weighing me down
I still believe, I do
The rope....  needs more slack

Faith latches on and never leaves
but
My heart speaks louder.

You can take your approval
And shove it where the sun don't shine
Weary of running on your hamster wheel of validation waiting to be fed tiny morsels of **** all at irregular intervals, when you see fit
No more waiting anxiously for the faint green light
Or the half arsed thumps up
Before proceeding with any course of action
Who the hell do you think you are?

Please get off your highly horse or I swear I'll shove you off it myself

Treading on egg shells around you everyday  for 8030 days
Today I choose to stomp on them
Repeatedly
Go ahead and blow your lid off
Master of savage rows
See if I care

Remember how 3 years ago you uttered your vile sentiments
What was is it again?
I would never excel in my studies
Those words reverberated in my head in each and every examination I wrote
In my rage and pursuit to prove you wrong
I prevailed

Thank you for lacking belief in me and the negativity I guess
Narcissist assoholic.

Not much observation is required
To recognise that the only thing epic about her is her sadness
Which she wears well
Like a snug cardigan
Severe disregard for life varied with an intense desire to thrive not just survive
A tragic paradox

Her repetitive nature is aggravating
All who have listened have, absorbedly
Offered advice which she blatantly declined to take
The saga is getting old and tiresome
They tell her to see the light, curse the dark, and the shadows that  hover over her
They expect their words to make all the difference
And she would skip away with a smile and new found appreciation for life and all it has to offer

Riddled with guilt
She feels accountable for the pain inflicted on others by her actions
Harbouring the guilt that eats and never dies
Forever harbouring the guilt

A desperate "poet"
Finding tranquility from linking words
To form sentences, a poem
To express and create some form of art
Seeking ecstasy
Through purging of emotions

A confused little girl
Who is not so little anymore
The years are violently adding up
Though young
The sand through the hour glass is running out
Growth of the self stunted by sickness of the mind
Ricocheting from the remainder of classic teen-angst to the inevitable adult crash

All of the achievements
Do not mean anything if she cannot feel it
Looking at pictures that hang above the fire place
Her teeth indicate she is smiling
Her eyes do not
Vacant
She is not really here
She could be anywhere

Placing Rebekah in her box
And storing her in the garage
Nevermind it cost me my teenage savings
To have her in my ownership back then
Lord knows I have tried
To master this fine art that comes easily to some
Memory fails me
Consistency is key
I am impatient and my fingers are rigid
And in all honesty I am not gifted in that general category

Don't get me started on the barrage of requests from family members
who beg me to whip out Rebekah at family affairs
With full expectation of  me blowing them away
Highly unlikely, folks

Perhaps I could leave her in the corner of my room
For aesthetic purposes
She is after all a beauty.

I identify with a book on the wooden shelf collecting dust
In an unoccupied study with immaculate furniture
No dog ears, coffee stains or marks
No one has ever read it
Or dared to browse through the pages
They walk past it

It's content is filled with haphazard revelations of the self
With splatterings of philosophy and *******
The more you read
It gets darker
An absence of transparency
An enigma grows
No one will ever know
It remains closed

Like a deceptacon
Visually appealing from afar but as they walk towards it something repels them

Though heartbreaking
A fine read it is
No ending written
The author is still evolving
Faultering and changing the conclusion as she treads the treacherous terrain of life.

The empress of self-preservation
****** to death by her own overpowering emotions,
How ironic.

Late night dip into the metaphorical dense pool of delusion and subtle mania
Blood raging with residue of hypnotics
Deem me unstable and troubled
I cannot explain nor can I excuse my behaviour anymore

Falling in reverse
At a speed faster than lightning
The rapidity of the fall is overwhelming
This absence of order
Where is it leading me to
Will it ever cease to torment

Birthing a nicotinic habit
Nauseated
I can't seem to rid of this stench of impurity

Tell them to not bother feeding me reason or positivity
There is no emotion to make it sink in
In the hollow that is my being
Their words echo & die out without impact

One month was all I could afford
Then the inevitable crumbling of the clumsily put together puzzle
Futility in my attempts at reassembling
The puzzle pieces no longer fit.

As the dark shadows chant sacrificial hymns
Unfazed, a psychotic smile planted on my face
I drink from the cup of death
Cold steel claws rip out my innards and my soul

Yours, just one more for the fire.

Here,
In a prison of our own design
Held hostage by our disturbed psyches
We are robot-like beings
It's as though we have been programmed to perpetuate the  destruction of our selves

Products of faulty wiring, we are
Razor blades tickle our trembling wrists
And we beg to the gods to vanish without a trace

I am not afraid to fall deeper into the murky waters as long as it's with you
The sadness in your eyes complements the sadness in mine

Let's drown in wine, shall we?
Feed our arteries with substance so we can feel
There won't be any healing, I know
The depression is forever in  presence
Our pain is a chronic wound.

I am going in for another round or two
Come February I will be
romancing giant textbooks
I am going to have my ***** deep in academia again
There's a new postgraduate student in town!

In a way this is part of my master plan to defer the reality of being ****** into the hideous job market
My relentless fruitless search for employment has left me disheartened and somewhat regretful
Though at the very end of the day I am proud of my accomplishment
I did it for me
What isn't immediately forthcoming is no reason for me to forget why I embarked on this quest for education
And why I held on
It is something no one can take away from me
The satisfaction of feeding your brain with knowledge is some kind of high
This is of course debatable

Perhaps I hide behind these books
As if  they offer me fortification
Not letting anyone in
An ice queen of note
but you can't cuddle 2 degrees
And you cannot share a meal with either

For things to fall into place I am going to be needing a rather potent  antidote for my general lameness.

The fatal revolting emotion called feelings
That insert and lodge themselves into your unsuspecting heart  
Which if left to fester will turn acidic and devour you from the inside out
Bury thoughts of an unreciprocated or lost love lest they bury you.

I am trapped in the shackle of your thoughts
I reign terror over your mind, saturate it with the sound of my whiney  voice
On the faces of strangers in the streets you cast your glare
It is my face you see

Every breath you take triggers thoughts of me
Even the sight of shadows have me consuming your entire being
My laughter echoes ceaselessly in the halls of your tiny abode

Visions of me in a pale pink robe appear in your bedroom
Pulsating is your heart at the sight of the vibrant luminosity I exude
As we dance to the music in our hearts
With the moonlight cheering us on
We will reminiscence and ache and ache and ache
Nostalgia will overpower us as it always does

When the hour arrives
I will fade into the light of dawn
And you my darling will be left embracing nothingness.

Inevitable descent into the sphere of hopelessness
Something catch me, please

These bones of mine will disintegrate
The empty will be triumphant with it's ever consuming dominance

I reach for what keeps me afloat
What never fails
What sustains me.

I tried to jot down a poem, no actually I tried to force out one
All I got was a splatter of lame ****  lines in the memo bit of my ****** Samsung which has definitely seen better days

Imagine if one were to try to **** a cactus or something resembling one
That's what forcing out
any piece of writing feels like
of course I would not accurately know as I have never **** a cactus before (has anyone ever)

Anyway, I cracked my skull
Trying to get my emotions to that zone where it flows naturally
A good poem is one that stems from the heart

I'm probably talking nonsense right now it's 2:20am, I have red wine running through my veins
I am at this very moment questioning the notion of the existence of a correlation between writing and alcohol consumption
If there is indeed a correlation then in this state of intoxication I should have penned a poem oozing with sheer and utter brilliance, surely

2:40am and I am done rambling.

A captive of geography
Wings of freedom lacerated by circumstance
Choking on quicksand that engulfed him long ago
The lifeless land he inhabits
With no promise of tomorrow
No hope for today
Determination laced  with desperation
He is quite the cute pile of misery and regret

Paralysed by fear of what he knows is coming
The settling
The mockery that will be him

"Kick the chair from underneath you and be done with it nate"

The voices swirl inside his head like an endless chorus haunting and guiding him to his end
He walks this earth with a dark and somber string quartet as the soundtrack to his life

That which troubles his soul conquers it
Still he won't surrender.

Lucid dreaming whilst sleeping in zero gravity
Encapsulated in the realm of Nirvana
Majestic tranquility of a pilular nature
Pilular because you have "class"
Constellation of implications,
Etched on skin
We all have dabbled in tragedy.

Ut me demergat in hoc esse
Mea conscientia de in quod ibi est, nulla alternative ut vita sed ibi sunt alternative vitaes habet me sperans maybe unum die ibi numquid fomentum de hoc desolatio.

Reel me into your web of lies
On cold plate serve me an apology strung of words of fakery
All the while forcing me to drink your hateful spiel like absinthe

Lets do our same old dance
You set alight my volatile temper causing it to detonate
I prance on your ego and scream you're nothing

With our words we keep weaving this blanket of fury we live under
And the fumes inside are suffocating both of us
You my tormentor and I your victim, unwilling.

If this animosity is a ship we are on
It is sinking and we are going down with it
Either way
Your move

With a heavy gait
She trampled on the heart that loved her fiercely and without  reservation

A thorn she was, disguised as a lily
To him, the prettiest of flowers
Pulling back the veil to see she was the poison gnawing at his heart

What followed was the corrosion of the love he felt for her by the ludicrous vile flavour of her deception
Her ignition of an empty flame that should have never been lit
Was nothing new
Started fires only  to leave them burning along with her paramours

Feeding off of hearts and basking in the victory of her betrayal of souls was the only thing that sustained her

The red woman in the midnight blue dress
Possessed a beauty beyond compare
With a frost covered heart
And snake scales beneath her fair skin
It was her who murdered love.

A desire doused in vermilion
The unquenchable thirst for the sweet fluid that pumps through your  veins
To the point where it enrages and cages

Engraving my name on your ribs so I'll be forever near your heart
Cradling your heart in my palm
To change the rhythm of it's beating so it grows fond of me

Don't shiver when I call out your name
I feed from you because
I know what's best for you
Can't you see you need me
You're nothing without me
Now hush! Let's go for a drive and kiss me at the tombs
Play with my hair some more, pull it out in clumps then choke me
I promise I'll beg for more

Soon we will be joined in matrimony
I picked out our song
A death metal number for our first dance
Infinity is you and I
I will wear my dress of doom
With the teeth of your former lovers as a necklace
You will wear your leather jacket and motorcycle boots
You will kneel and profess your undying love for me
If you ever leave me
I'll **** you
Because I love you

In my veiny skeletal  hands, is a war
One which I did not start
Just a innocent bystander
Watching my solid foundation turn into powder
Reeled in involuntarily
Siding with one party
Making an enemy of myself to the other party
A war which wasn't mine
A war I was not shielded  from
A war that ended long ago
In my mind the war is still alive
I know not why I carry it with me

Like the scars on the  flesh that covers my carpus
The scars in my mind run deep
They will never fade

In my frail heart therein lies memories
Of a past ought to be forgotten
The memories I cling to
To fuel my hatred
Like pouring diesel into a burning fire
Sustaining this fury that burns inside of me
Lugging resentment like that massive suitcase too big for you to carry

Forever the oversensitive one
These overwhelming emotions are taking over
From here on now rationality  has been lost

This war will be my demise
Bitterness in an incurable sickness

Drenched in psychedelia
The asylum you bury yourself along with your burdens in
But it’s always temporary
Despondency is always in season
Not forthcoming is change
You perpetuator you

Purpose ravaged by a river of lost opportunities
You lost a piece of yourself when the steel doors slammed shut in your face
And yours was one hell of a knock

Now Inebriation is your newly found crutch
Oh the irony!
The bottom of the clear glass bottle is not where you belong

This self pity is getting rather tedious
Get off your ****
Walk through the fire, do not go round it
For you my dear, will prevail.

Tonight I felt this wave of contentment hit me

Though fleeting
It uplifted my spirits

Offered momentanous     restoration of hope that remains wedged at bottom of this skeptical heart

This independence they speak of seems like a myth
I dipped my toes  into the vast waters of the reality of life
Only to be overpowered by the immensity
Making me retreat back into this place
Where I have remained
Incarcerated inside of myself

Just a conglomerate of disorders
Inhibited by chemical imbalances
Needing constant reassurance
Like a child
Pathetic

My desire for nothing less than perfection outside of this unreality
making me cling on to apron strings
That should have been severed many a moon ago

I admit
I am pathetically in love with you
Frightful it might be irrevocable
Girl pining away for someone whom she's invisible to
The oldest story in the book

I pale in comparison to all the others
I know, I get it
Not aesthetically gifted
Perhaps if you had taken a peek into my soul
You'd have found how stunning it is

I grow more delusional by the day
envisioning how your hazels would sparkle
When halation encircles you in auroras fluorescence

I am wrecking my brain
Trying to sound profound
Words splattered on a page are all I have to offer sometimes
Verbalisation fails me
I suppose I'll have to be content with this unembellished declaration
( which you will never see)
It feels organic anyway
I am plucking all this from the bottom of my heart

As I force these feelings to wither away
I attempt to convince myself that this was just perhaps an inflated crush
I am saddened by thoughts of what could have been
It burns
The catalyst I need to move on is my acceptance of the fact that even though we live under the same sun
the problem is, it doesn't cast the same shadow

You sat on your throne built from the fear you instilled in us
Proclaimed yourself sovereigner of our minds
Shackled us to the hem of your blood stained trousers
Created a prison built on futile wrath

The multiple personalities you own swapped roles
The good, the bad and the ugly
When the good revealed  itself all of our hate melted away and we saw this beautiful side to you
You would then play the victim
Appealed to our emotions prompting us to abandon all reason

The vicious cycle recurred, like they always do
It's as though you fed us ****
Fed us full
And yet we still came back begging for more
Such fools we were to believe your redemption could be found

We burned in our rage
Broke the mental chains
The ******* king with a murderous game had been overthrown

Now you lie on your death bed made of thorns
The crows are cawing in the distance waiting to feast upon your remains
Not a ounce of guilt over  my utterance of the fact that you got what you deserve and more

It's not hard watching you shrivel.

The sun looks and feels as though it seeks revenge
The sweltering heat exarcabating the chronic fatigue that plagues this youthful body
All of the grumbling and screaming turning  into a silent whisper
And subsequently, a yawn
I feel oppressed by mother nature

The wind is blowing in fiery-like gusts  When it touches my face I can feel all the energy oozing out of me
Justifying this idleness

The air smells of wilted Jacaranda tree blossomings, strewn across the lawn
Which would be blissful if inhalation of these smells didn't spur on pesky allergies
It feels like the end of days

I yearn for the feeling of relief in the air and within myself when the infinite skies flare up and release the rains
And the pleasure of hearing the water murmur when it flows over the stone work in the front yard

Endurance
Endurance.

I woke up this morning with an appetite for self-destruction
Yesterday's consumption of ******* piling on today's woes
Making me ill

There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach
Something is brewing in my heart of hearts
Come dusk it will overflow

The fear is settling in my blood
Running through my veins
My alkaline blood turning acidic

If anyone needs me I will be in the doldrums.

Who she could have been is who she was
Going back to trace the remnants of her former self
but you can't leave footprints on concrete
Permanent alteration

She can't imagine future
The past is too harsh to mention
The words stick in the back of her throat

Obscuration of triumphs by all the tragedies that reign
A sullen disposition ingrained in her entire being
Looking at the world through jade-coloured glasses
She's too young to be this cynic

You can see the sadness in the brown of her irises
A kind of sadness that strikes a chord

Secrets dripped out from the core of you
And invaded my bones
You unsealed a can of worms to let it’s contents violently spill out
Then you wrenched away the sheep's clothing you once occupied

I felt the person you were depreciate right in front of my eyes
My best friend!
I felt the tremble in your voice
So innocent holding your breath
You bury yourself beneath this self-imposed definition of who you think you are

I hold your problems in my hands
I care too much
Someday that will be my  downfall

I feel this petulant need to repress this information…
this truth…
I can forsee it being a burden that will weigh on me

I was hoping perhaps you could compel me to forget.

The sun rises too soon
Morning comes like an accusation
The dawn melodies of the birds once were of a creativity
Now all they sing are emphatic repertoires of dirges, that tremble my very bone

The stillness in the air is doused in old hopes and frail dreams..
And lingering disappointment
The air is too thick...
It's asphyxiating  

Walking the halls of monotony
Forced enthusiasm is now for real

Much like a leech the mid-afternoon sun ***** the life out of your soul
So you cross your fingers and hope that existence will not make a loser of your soul
That would be the greatest tragedy

When the night comes
The leaves start falling
Happiness was never in season anyway.

The apathy that which she harbours has rubbed off on me
And we are bleeding into each other.

Certain aspects of my life have remained constant
While I have been increasing my efforts so I can accomplish my objectives farther

The results I am achieving are not in proportion to my efforts
The more effort I put in
The more the fruits of my labor diminish
Negative returns from relentless pursuits
Perhaps there is such a thing called trying too hard
I am failing to move farther up the curve of productivity
Life has become a slippery *****
Where the more I try, the only direction I head is down

I am craving a violent re-invention
I have not reached my full potential
And yet I seem to be stifled.

The night sky ruptured and bled crimson
The souls of tortured and restless spirits of the departed descended upon us....
Hovered around us

Their defeaning twisted screeching and whispers  fell into our trembling ears

Those who took refuge in the fort that cannot be touched by the unholy denied us entry
We begged and knocked until our knuckles bled
Till our fingernails fell off

The ground crumbled beneath us
Opened a giant sink hole to oblivion

Trapped in the shackle of near damnation
Motionless
All we could do was endure the inescapable ruination

Your words perforated my skin and like venom seeped into my veins
Motivation to peel skin from the bone

I once wore these emotional scars as scales on skin, used them as armour
Now I wear them like a noose around my neck

Weak

A little landslide and I fall off the cliff

I recollect the darkest of days
They drained the emotion in me,
Drained ME

Dead-eyed... so innocent
I hold my breath and wait for this turmoil to pass
I fear it will remain with me until I depart
Emptiness will always be empty
Darkness will always be dark
The dark always prevails, devouring the light
Devouring me