that night,
it was easier to sleep
knowing you were gone
then the restless nights
trying to keep you from leaving.

i have been fighting for so long:
pushing my way through the inevitability of life.

but my knuckles are red,
my legs are bruised,
and my heart rate continues to slow.

there's still so much left in the race,
but the thought of making it to the finish line
just isn't enough for my weak bones anymore.

we were infinite

you are alive

we accept the love we think we deserve

write about us

life doesn't stop for anybody

everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other

this moment will just be another story someday

enjoy it because it's happening

i do not weep
because i'm unhappy
i weep because i have everything
yet i am unhappy

they yell at her
because they notice her grades slipping,
how she sleeps all day,
and how she's never home.
but they don't ask her why
they don't notice the cuts,
how she skips meals,
or the alcohol in her system.
they don't realize she cries
to the white noise,
alone, in the dark.
they don't realize she cries
because she misses the little girl she was.

i need to accomplish more
before it's my time to go.

wake up
school
practice
sleep

read it again.

as i look into the mirror,
i start to notice all of the things
i despise about myself

i notice my pale body
and the veins that protrude through my skin

my fingernails are chipped
from the black and red polish
and the skin around it is peeled
from my teeth

the beauty marks trail down my cheeks
and onto my arms
leaving traces of dark spots everywhere

my green eyes speak of sorrow
and they darken within every night
that i stay awake with my insomnia

i hold my body, without ever looking at, it too closely
and the tears within cry out
in shame

it asks me why i cannot love it,
why i dig into it,
why it's not beautiful enough
and i cannot tell it a good enough reason

i blame the world,
i say it maddens me
and i crave the look of impossible

to my body,
i am terribly sorry for picking apart too many things that you cannot fix

i wish i could be kinder
though it is hard to be
in such a difficult society

i will preach self-love
until it comes to myself

ans

2.19.18

who ever thought you'd be the one
to put me back together;
to glue the broken pieces?
i sure didn't.

it was platonic,
it was nothing.
until one day, i noticed you.
you wanted me.
someone wanted me!
and two years later you still do.

somewhere in between i fell in love
with my best friend.

you're a girl, though.
surely i didn't think about kissing you every day.
surely i didn't look into your eyes longer than a straight girl would.  
surely i'm not gay.

but isn't that what they always say?

you say all these things;
the things i want to hear.
but why don't i believe you?

because she ****** me up;
she lied,
and now i don't believe you.

this is just another poem
i'm writing about someone
who could never love me
as much as i loved them

maybe my biggest flaw
is feeling too much,
which is why i could
shut it off so easily

i've spent hours wondering
why love has failed me once again,
going back to the thought
that maybe it's my fault

i wanted so bad for us to work
i wanted you to be the reason i was happy,
but perhaps it's the greatest questions
that don't have an answer

i logged into this app
thinking i knew exactly
what to write,

but i can't even explain
the horrible pain i'm in anymore

to this day,
your name still hurts my tongue,
but i say it anyways,
because i like the sting
of knowing you're gone

all those years
dedicated to you,
now i lie here alone,
wondering
why didn't i leave earlier?

i am shaking with anger
but trembling with sadness

i feel so lost
i feel so lonely

take my name
out of your mouth

"but it made you stronger"
no, it destroyed me
i was 12

i should've said those words.
i should've told you everything
on my mind.
i regret that you don't know
how i felt.

now it's all up in the air
i never got the closure
i deserved.
not that i need it;
but you're still on my mind

nothing good though,
if you're wondering.

i hate how i felt disposable,
useless,
a burden.
i hate how you favored
other people over me.
i hate how you left me for her.
i hate you.

i never felt safe with you
and i want you to know that.

you were stiff,
talking monotone,
soulless.

where did my brother go?

your smile would brighten my day,
and you were so playful.
i miss that.

i don't know who this new person is.

it was barely a person;
i couldn't maintain eye contact
because i didn't know who i was looking at.

i'm sorry your brain doesn't work like others

i regret treating you poorly;
you did not deserve that,
for you cannot control what your head tells you.

will i ever meet the old you again?

i wish i wish i wish
i could be you
for just a night.

i wish i wish
i could feel genuine happiness.
for just a night.

i wish
i could be normal.
for just a night.

but that's life, right?
the point is to suffer?

maybe it's for a lesson.
but i'm smart enough.

maybe it's bad luck.
but i don't deserve it.

if i am honest,
there aren't many words left
to describe my pain

i've said so much
that the words
mean nothing to me

i am numb
i am stuck
there's not much to it anymore

i talked about you today.
someone asked how i met you -
how we became true.

"i never met anyone like you."
people say that,
but it's different for everyone.

we each meet our one person
who is almost perfect for us.
someone who meets every standard;
who sees the real you.

everyone has their flaws,
but when you notice them,
they don't matter.

who cares about the way you laugh or
the way you spit out your toothpaste
when you found your soulmate?

nothing else matters
when you meet your one.

it stops the pain
it makes me feel numb
it helps calm my anger

that's why i do it