it’s only been two days
my room feels cold and hollow
the space where you used to lay up on
remains empty
sometimes i think i catch glimpses of you
but that’s not rational
i held your paw as you took your last breaths
looked into your eyes
and told you how much i love you
i hope i gave you the best life i could
your undying unconditional love
helped me through my hardest times
it feels wrong without you here
but i find comfort
you no longer suffer
and maybe you’re in a better place
i will love you and miss you
to the day i die
thank you for endless cuddles
your screams of joy
whenever i would return home
and those precious moments
when you would give me the tiniest kisses on my nose
rest in peace my little angel baby

i miss the way your fingers felt in between mine
on our spontaneous seven hour car ride to another city
i miss being loved by you even though it made me completely blind
our love was toxic i know but it was ours

i see you struggling with your demons
you cry for help thinking no one notices
but i do
i see you
you put on a fake smile
you say you’re fine
sometimes that mask cracks
even if only for a split second
i wish you believed me
when i tell you that you are strong
you can fight them
but i also know how hard it is
to constantly fight your inner self
i haven’t been doing it as long as you have
and i am truly in awe
of what a beautiful mess you are
i need you to know that i am here
i will pick up all of your pieces
when the walls within your mind crumble

the image of you is slowly
disappearing from my subconscious
the way your mouth would curve
when you would get that devilish grin
the way your eyes would explore my body
the way your hands felt against my skin
how your lips felt against mine
i wish you had meant all the words you told me
i think we both believed them at the time
but like a light switches on and off
our light switch turned off
leaving my world dark
i got lost in the cold abyss
missing every second you weren’t around
to help guide me with your light
but i am slowly feeling my way
back to my switch
and the light will flood in and you
will be completely gone
the thought of that scares me
but spending my eternity in darkness
scares me even more

it hits you out of nowhere
one day he’s there
his broken brown eyes
so full of stories you’re dying
to dive deep into
he’s shown you parts of him
but only here and there
his crooked smile aimed towards you
a smile you could never get tired of seeing
speaking softly of his troubles
you yearn for more
but settle for what he’s given you
hoping time will open those wounds
he’s so deeply hidden
but time goes on
and the less you hear
a text or a short phone call
you beg for more
only to make a fool of yourself
and then he completely disappears
leaving you completely broken and confused
where did things go wrong
what did you do to drive him away
again you were not enough
but you’re wrong
it was never you darling
you are a force to be reckoned with
many will not be able to grasp that
and they will miss you when you’re gone
do not make yourself available
for those who will not put in the same effort
i will not lie to you and tell you that it gets easier
he was never sure what he wanted
you will still love him
but that love will be overpowered
by someone who truly appreciates you
and not just your body but your mind
how it works how it processes
how you perceive the world with such beauty
and every heartbreak will be worth it
because he will show you
how it truly feels
to be loved

you can’t force them to change
you can beg and plead for them to listen
but they will not put in the same effort
no matter how much you push it
with tears streaming down your face
and the hardest part of it all
is finding the will to accept it
and the strength to let go

people ask
“why do you hurt yourself?
why do you feel the need to
cut your own body open?”
i don’t do it for the attention
i do it because it makes me
feel alive
seeing the blood run
it reminds me
that this body is real
the scars don’t bother me
they tell a story
i don’t believe i am weak
because i feel the need to
open my flesh with a razor
emotional pain is just as real
as the physical pain i put myself through
it makes it easier to process
no one will understand
until they feel enough pain
to put their body through it
physically
maybe i am just drunk
or you’ll understand
exactly what i mean
there are others
i know i am not alone
but until then
my emotional pain will become
physical until i can make sense
of this everyday life i am supposed
to be okay with