you watched me deteriorate
for an entire year
watched me as i slowly became a ghost
all skin and bone
barely here in the now
“don’t worry it’s in the past now”
maybe for you
but not for me
i was never given an explanation
or boundaries set in place
i thought i could trust you
i never thought you could turn
your back on me
i carried all that weight
the weight i didn’t understand
why i was carrying
it wore me down to the bone
no one checked up on me
no one apologized
except me
when i didn’t even know that i did anything wrong
i was a living corpse on borrowed time
the betrayal cut deeply
i never thought you would turn on me
and then pretend like it never happened
it may be in the past for you
but i am still living in it

i never believed in love
or believed it lasted
much less that it didn’t come without a cost
my mind can’t wrap around
meeting someone who upended my life in the best way
you taught me how love is supposed to feel
what love looks like in its purest form
i never thought i would be the one
i was always taught i was unlovable
and “god forbid, i feel sorry for who you end up with”
i am grateful every second of every day
that you proved myself and everyone wrong
i hope my love envelopes you
the way your love does for me
like a warm blanket on a rainy day
i look into your ethereal green eyes
and i see my forever and always
happy anniversary my love

your soul speaks of dark and light
the sun shined but you cast me in the dark
did you know i’m scared of it?
bad things happen there
between the hours of dusk and dawn
but i never wanted to tell you
i never wanted to add
to your growing list of burdens
for i was already one
maybe since birth
perhaps even before
“i did my best”
yes there was minimal food
a lack of love and care i didn’t realize i needed
there was light and a roof over my head
you left me there
and the light burned out
i sat in the dark scared and alone
did you ever care?
you just wanted someone to take care of you
even if the cost was my innocence
i don’t think you did it on purpose
and i don’t think you’re consciously
aware of the harm you caused
i’ve been screaming for years
even in whispers
please just hear me
please just understand me

do you think of me
when the world is quiet
and the silence is too loud
do you wonder what happened to me?
what i went through
when we didn’t talk for an entire year
did you wonder if if wanted to die
as much as you did
when the ones you loved the most
were taken from you
did you think about all the nights
you cried in my arms
did you think about how you starved yourself
when i was only seventeen
do you wonder if i did the same?
did you think about me at all?
did you think about how you “lost” me
when you were the one to leave me
what you look back on is not the truth
and due to you i will never be able
to recall exactly what happened
besides the fact that i am the person i am
due to the lack of love and compassion
a child deserved in their becoming years

i've been told i should write a book
that maybe that’s my purpose in this life
to share with others how painful this sickness can be
but who wants to write about all the pain they’ve been through and that’s why they are the person they are today
who wants to hear another sob story about not being loved
being abused in all the ways a human can be
i have no purpose in this life
i’ll never be a writer nor anything worth writing about
i’m just another statistic no one cares about
in my bones i know i’m just another walking tragedy
broken and betrayed by the system and their own parents
doomed to walk the same path
or die trying to fix what i never broke and no one cares to understand

i crawled over glass
the shards slicing but i didn’t feel it
cuts on my knees, hands, elbows
my body ****** and broken
my face unrecognizable
i didn’t want to
i’ve been used to walking on them
my feet used to the pain over the years
i dragged myself in front of you
lying there before you bare with flesh and soul
but i couldn’t let myself bleed for you anymore
at least that’s what i said
you can see the little cracks where my flesh no longer connects
or at least i hope you can see
i told you it’s okay
we can talk about it later
i just missed you and can no longer stand missing you
i don’t know you anymore
and you’ve never known me
i like to think this past year only put distance between us
but it’s been my whole life
and i have no idea where to start with you
other than the fact that i realized
this is not a life i can survive without you anymore
and when i walked in unexpected and saw you broken
i realized you felt how i feel
maybe not all of it, maybe only a minuscule of the agony
but even a fraction was enough for me
i’m used to living off of scraps
and there’s not much of me left

the silence is deafening
it howls in my ears
i lost a part of my innocence when they abandoned me
women i thought i would have forever in my life
my bad i believed when you said you love me
and would never leave me
we’re all broken now and we have no one
we don’t have each other anymore
you broke me when you left and took everything with you
do you like me now?
lying on the floor and curling in on myself
the world seems so big and i am so small
please come back i need you
what happened?