i understand you lost someone
you lost a core part of yourself
an accident that tore our lives apart
and shattered what was left of our souls
i sacrificed myself for your loss
shoving it deep down away from me
to give you room to grieve
i took care of your children
took on the role that was given by their father
who couldn’t or wouldn’t be there for them
i could barely be there for myself
and gave it all to you
and then you took everything from me
lied about your logic
pretended you were innocent
and screamed at me behind closed doors
you may have lost an integral part of yourself
and i am so very deeply sorry for it
for it hurt me too
he was mine as well
but you took everything from me
without a care in the world
made me into a villain
and killed more parts of myself in the process
without an apology or an explanation
everything that i was, you stripped from me
for why? for the control? for your own unjustified reasons?
an audacity to lie to me about the real things
when i have always accepted everything you did
and defended you for it even when it made me a villain
exiled by my own family
to protect you and the girls i helped you raise
i hope you feel good
i hope you feel justified
i hope you feel powerful
because then it might have been worth the cost of my soul
because you never cared about shredding it in the first place

i’m a pathetic being
my soul has been ripped to shreds
and still i long for the claws you sank deep into me
i yearn for you to miss me
to tell me you still love me
even though you deserve nothing from me
i still pour myself unto you
in the moment it feels so good
like you never left me
and you never hurt me
like you don’t break me beyond repair
but the after comes
comes with a vengeance
hatred, hurt, betrayal
i’ve always known you were a cornered animal
but i never expected the amount of hurt you could cause
it feels like life
but all you breathe into me is death

i feel time ticking
click click click
like a clock
watching the seconds pass
then minutes
hours
days
months
years
lost
weight settling on my chest
heavier and heavier
so heavy it’s getting harder to breathe
i inhale
and exhale
time is running out
and i want to welcome it
instead of fighting

i died
in a less permanent way than you
but i’ll keep living in hell
if that what it takes
to give them a better life
i’ll swallow all of it
still being labeled as the bad guy
and you still a hero
i’ll do my best to protect them
to show them unconditional love
and pretend i’m not still dying
your death is permanent and you can’t help
but i’ll do it for them
they have already been through hell
but i’ll try to make it less painful
even if it rips me apart
because despite what they say
i know you’d be proud of me
the sacrifices
all to try to protect them
from the life we never wanted them to have
there is only so much i can do
but ill do it for us, and for them
and i know in my being
you’d be proud
even if they hate me
i’ll swallow it all
for them like you would have
because who else is so selfless
you are dead and i’m still here by some miracle
so i’ll use this chance
to try my best to give them a better life
than we ever had the chance to have

i wish it were me who perished
i hate you for dying on all of us
especially last year when i lost everything
and so did our girls
they had already lost you
and they lost me too in a different way
i cursed you
because it should have been me
they already lost their uncle
and their aunt was taken away from them
it should have been me who died
instead it was you
i hated you for it because at least
if i had died and you had lived
they would have never lost the two people
who cherished them above all
they have lost too much in their short
time on this planet
i’m no longer mad and i no longer curse you
i just wish with all my being
that you were still here
because i miss you
i never got to grieve because i was too busy taking care of everyone
and now …
now i just want you back
and i feel like i took the time i had with you for granted
because i thought we had forever
and i feel so alone
i know you’re still here watching, spectating
i feel you around me and i feel your love
but all i feel is despair and hopelessness and fear
you should have never died

i sit here in the quiet
in the now
it’s funny i expected betrayal from my own mother
but i never expected it from you
and i still wonder why
what was in it for you?
did you get sick pleasure from watching me rot?
you’ve had no issues calling us out in the past
but in a whole year
twelve months
twelve extricating months
you never told me why
why you took everything away from me
you’ve never had any issues expressing your boundaries
boundaries i helped you uphold beforehand
being excommunicated from my own mother and family
because i knew you were right and i loved you
but you couldn’t tell me
i still can’t make sense of it all
and everything is ruined
the two women i thought i could count on
one of them i expected
the other a snake who slithered behind me and bit
i cant forgive either
and i don't know where to go from here
i’m still lost and cannot find my way
and i know i will never be the person i was
my physical and emotional self forever altered
i’m still getting to know myself but i fear i’ll never

you watched me deteriorate
for an entire year
watched me as i slowly became a ghost
all skin and bone
barely here in the now
“don’t worry it’s in the past now”
maybe for you
but not for me
i was never given an explanation
or boundaries set in place
i thought i could trust you
i never thought you could turn
your back on me
i carried all that weight
the weight i didn’t understand
why i was carrying
it wore me down to the bone
no one checked up on me
no one apologized
except me
when i didn’t even know that i did anything wrong
i was a living corpse on borrowed time
the betrayal cut deeply
i never thought you would turn on me
and then pretend like it never happened
it may be in the past for you
but i am still living in it