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 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
I am
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
Who am I?
I'm just a girl.
Lost.
Alone.
Trying to find my place in this world.
Who am I?
I'm just a friend.
Tring to make things work.
Hoping this time I won't end up hurt.
Who am I?
I'm just a daughter.
Broken.
Scared.
Missing her father.
Who am I?
I'm a team player.
Always giving my all.
Playing in the moment, not waiting for later.
Who am I?
I am me.
Waiting for the day, I will finally be free.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
You treat me like I have a disease.
Like Im sick and if you come to close youll catch it,
but its not contagious I wish you could just see.

You see me around everywhere. For Gods sake I live with you.
But you still keep your distance
As if this so called disease is going to leave me and enter you.
You dont know the real me,
You dont  know the girl whos lost.
And hurt.
You judge me, but then turn around and say you love me.
I dont understand

How can you say you love me then turn around and abuse me?
Do you think I just let it go because I pretend I dont care.
No I dont, it tears me up inside and bring me right back to where this mess all began.
You pushed me to this.
Your words and actions push me further into this,
and still you act as if Im the one at fault.
Im the one with the disease.
But the only cure,
is your apology.
Which I know will never come.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
You used to make me so excited
Like a little ******* Christmas morning
Smiling. Giddy. Giggling.
The days I knew I'd see you, I would wake up hours earlier so I had more time to get ready.
I had to look good for you.
Hair. Makeup. Clothes.
Everything had to be perfect
because you were perfect.
We were perfect
I'd stay up way past my bedtime thinking about you.
Replaying everything in my head.
Wondering if you were thinking of me.
I would think about your cute dimples, the way you laughed.
The way we could talk for hours about nothing...and everything.
You were perfect for me.
We were perfect
We did stupid things together.
I remember it all.
The snow, the whipped cream, the chotoes, the park.
Cuddling on the boat. Gazing at stars.
Perfect memories I'll never forget.
We were perfect
Then came the goodbye along with all the tears.
You said it was only temporary though.
You said you'd be back for me.
Then the letters started coming along with the phone calls.
I started becoming more okay with the distance, knowing it'd be over soon.
"I love you, I miss you, I cant wait until I come home"
You said all of this, but then left me.
Not even giving me answers, and all I want to know is why?
Because I thought...
*We were perfect
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
Magic
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
I believe in magic, I really do.
So I appricate you still try to keep it alive.
"Lets put out cookies for Santa!"
Even though I know you just wake up before I do and eat half of them,
but you leave the other half for me.
Cookies for breakfast! I love it.
"From Santa"
Even though I know your handwriting.
But it still makes me smile, because it reminds me of being a kid.
I miss being a kid.
"Santas been filling your stocking"
Even though we both know he doesnt do that until Christmas Eve.
Not the whole month of December.
But I still love everything you do.
Because it keeps the spirit of Christmas in the air.
And the magic.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness.
Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying.
Nobody knows what's going on with you.
How could anybody realize what's happening?
Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.
But for you, there's no difference in the days.
Everythings just one endless blur.
Sometimes, it's as if you're not even there.
Just flesh, taking up space.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
The monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet anymore.
They live inside my head.
They feed on my heart.
They still scare the living **** out of me.
Maybe now, even more so then when I was little.
Because when I was young, mommy or daddy could make them go away;
check behind the closet doors...peek under the bed.
Give me a kiss, tuck me in, and my fears would melt away.
But now that Iv'e grown up, I have to face the monsters alone.
Mommy and Daddy can't calm my fears anymore.
I face the monsters by myself;
and Iv'e never been so afraid.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
Every day I break a little more inside.
Waking up putting a smile on my face,
faking the smile. The laughs.
Hiding the tears. The hurt.
Some days;
most day...
I just want to curl up under a rock and hide.
No one would be able to hurt me there.
I wouldnt be an inconvenience anymore.
Id be out of sight out of mind.
The way everyone wants it.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
Death
Such a small word.
Though;
filled with so much power.
Power
Everyone wants it.
Some get it.
Few severly abuse it.
Abuse
It hurts.
It kills.
Many simply turn the other cheek.
They choose not to help.
Help
Everyone needed it.
No one gave it.
No one ever even offered.
They were too scared.
Scared**
Scared of death.
Scared of the power.
Scared of being abused.
And terrified to offer any help.
Written in my world history class. But I feel it relates to so much more than just the holocaust
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
I almost said goodbye tonight.
I came this close.
Home alone
music blasting...
A simple note left on the counter.
Took a deep breath, and let the water rush over my face.
Soon, it'd all be over.
But then some of the soapy water got into my mouth.
I started to gag, sat up out of reflex.
Immediately, I started crying histerically.
"What am I doing?"
and as I sat there in the steam filled room,
so close to closing my eyes forever;
I came to the realization of how utterly ****** up I am.
 Mar 2013 Niveda Nahta
Damaged
5 months.
5 months ago today, you became an angel in the sky.
And every night, still, I cry.
Because I miss you and it hurts to know I will not see you again.
Everyone tells me to let go, but I can't.
It isn't that simple.
You don't just forget about the ones you love.
No matter if they are on earth or flying high above.
They always stay in your heart.
And sometiems the memories tear you apart.
But no one understands.
I do not deal well with death and I wish people could understand that it will take me time to heal
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