p
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perform
who knew that word would mean so much to me?
To perform means to have faith and courage and confidence
If i didn't have it i don't where I'd be today.
Performing has made me realize how fun life can be.
Being able to Perform gives me a chance to free myself and become someone
Different.

Now, people may call me a strange individual and they may be true,
But they can never tell me to change who i am because they've never been in my shoes.

Performing.
Whether I'm acting, dancing, or singing
The stage is my home
And no one's ever going to the that away from me.
M
r
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f
r
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spelling it backwards is so easy
it flows through my veins
And lives in my soul
It's the only thing that keeps me whole
Sane, at ease

Performing is me

One side of who I am.
One characteristic that you are seeing, up on the stage.
I am like water, free to flow
Becoming someone new, for each separate show.
My body is my instrument, muscle to joint, from hip hop to ballet, my feet are on point.
  My voice like velvet, soft on the ears, yet I can sing strong and free, showing strength being my years.

Performing's in my blood
It's never going to go away
And I'll have my time to shine
One day... One day

There once was a time that I couldn't go a day without seeing your face
Oh how I wish to go back to such a simpler place
Where we could sit and stare at each other and not say a single word
Nothing would be said but everything could be heard
Everything was going well and our future looked bright
Until, oh until, reality struck that night
The love in your eyes had started to fade and the way you looked at me just wasn't the same
More and more, things just changed
Even the way you said my name
Then, one day you finally cracked...
Said that this was going nowhere and you started to pack
The love of my life was walking out of the door while I was picking up my shattered heart from off of the floor
Years and years of loving you endlessly
I never thought that you would leave me
It happens in movies and happens in books but when it happened to me, my whole world shook
Time went by and the pain inside wasn't there but still some nights, I wish I could run my fingers through your hair
To have your lips pressed against mine and  you could call me yours forever
We would talk about the future of us being together
But I've moved on from that; the past is the past
Because I realized that nothing is really meant to last...

I am from a mother and step dad  that loves me dearly, a "father" that rarely sees me, a beautiful sister who inspires me everyday,  and my best friend who loves me unconditionally.

From swimming late nights in my grandparents' pool
and sleepovers times a million
Labor Day barbecues,
Cross country road trips,
Telling jokes and sharing stories
I am from karaoke nights, game nights, wish I could see them more nights
I am from family adventures


I am from theatre clubs and dance teams
Perfection for performances
Repetition is key
I am from different characters and seeing the world from their eyes
Pointed toes and pretty smiles
I am from the stage


I am from a society that teaches "don't get *****" instead of "don't ****"
I am from not accepting the truth when I have battle scars as proof
I am from a world where I have to try not to attract any attention because it could be the "wrong" attention  
I am from objectification

I am from healing and self love
Strength and self confidence regained
I am a child of God and for that I will never be afraid
I am from faith

This chapter is just beginning
I'm looking forward to where life takes me


This is where I'm from.

No one ever tells you how hard it is.
I say no one ever tells you because you have to feel it for yourself.
You may have heard stories, but you will never know the struggle until you go through it yourself.
I'm talking about how to love
Or how not to love
You see, everyone makes it seem like it's a fairytale and everyone gets their own prince charming at the end of their own book.
They don't see what happens behind closed doors.
Do you know how long it took to write that book?
Do you know how many mistakes the author made?
Do you know how many times he wanted to start over and start a new story?
Go in a different direction?
Replace a character just to find out that that person was needed in ways us as readers will never understand?
Yes, in the end, we all get to experience the happy ending
But at what cost did it take the author to get there?
How many times did he struggle until he just...
Settled?

Be cautious
Be weary
Of the **** victim who doesn't like to be touched.

I mean she likes to be touched but
Not in a certain way or
Not on a certain day

Be weary
Be cautious
Of the **** victim who has flashbacks of the "incident"

"Why are you crying during ***?"
"Are you okay?"
"Why do you want me to stop?"
Because it's my body and I said so,
Because it's my body and I said
STOP

Be cautious
Be weary
Around your new "**** victim" girlfriend
Making sure if it's okay to caress your body every time,
Being gentle enough to not trigger another panic attack because the last one was bad enough...

Be weary
Be cautious
By showing support,
Not by trying to fix what can't be fixed.
By listening.
Not by saying you understand because I doubt you were a **** victim too.

Rest in peace to the girl who couldn't live her life the way she was supposed to because she was too busy being the **** victim...

When I fell, no one was there catch me.
When I broke, no one was there to put me back together.
When I cried, no one was there to wipe my tears away.
When you're alone in the world, you feel like you have nothing.
You feel like it's you against the world.
You feel like nothing will ever change...
But it did.
Everything became brighter. Everything became better...
All because of you.
You were the light at the end of my tunnel of darkness.
You were the safety belt that saved me from being pulled deeper into the madness of the world around me.
You were the one that saw the good in me when no one else did.  
You were the one to catch me, dry my tears, and fix me.
You took me by the hand, looked in my eyes and said, "Everything will be okay.
No more worries,
No more fears,
No more being alone..."

As I lie awake this night
Something seems to be off,
The fact that i can see myself truly was a shock.
Fast asleep, I watch myself
Dreams flowing through my head
Or maybe I wasn't sleeping,
Maybe I was dead...
The closer that i looked, the more that I could see
The lifeless body on the bed that happened to be me
I tried so hard to wake up from this nightmare but nothing really worked
I wanted to feel sad but I could no longer feel the hurt...
The pain, the misery that was once a part of me
I couldn't feel it anymore because I wasn't breathing
I felt light like a feather
A weight lifted from my shoulders
But I'd give it all back just so I can hold her...
The baby girl I never had..
I just wanted to see her smile
And have her in my arms just for a little while.
Can I at least to say goodbye to the ones that i know now?
To tell them that I love them and that I'd be with them somehow...
I didn't know my time was coming
I would have said it sooner
I wasted all my time dreaming about the future
The future that I no longer get to have
Because not every day is promised...and this one was my last...
As I fade away into the darkness of the what ifs or what could have been
I think about my beautiful journey and accept that this is where it ends...

When I see the love in his eyes,
I always go back to our first kiss.
It was in an elevator.
I remember, I pushed all the buttons.
Floor one,
Tension was in the air but it felt like it belonged there,
In an empty elevator with just us two,
I could feel time stop.
Floor two,
I could hear heartbeats racing, and not just my own
As we stand there, side by side, my palms start to get sweaty,
I can't seem to peel my eyes away from his smile, his lips.
I see the words roll off of his tongue and automatically, I start to fall.
Fall for his charm, his witt, his heart of gold, and his beautiful, brown eyes.
As the doors start to close, leaving floor three, our lips collided.
In that moment, nothing else mattered.
He held me by the waist, lips still interlocked,
I never knew so much passion could be felt in one kiss.
As our lips slowly drifted apart,
I could feel the breath from my body escape,
Floor four,
As we reached our destination,
I could feel my cheeks were burning red.
The grin I had from ear to ear could be seen for miles,
The gleam in his eye shined brighter than ever before.
That moment in the elevator,
That moment in time, is something I will look back on for the rest of my life,
That moment is the moment where I fell in love.