The sadness that I feel,
I hope it shows itself to you.
And the pain that's in my eyes,
I hope to God you see it too.
Cause He knows as well as I do,
That I can't take much more;
My heart is growing tired and my limbs are getting sore.
All this constant climbing and the running back and forth;
Attempts to free myself from here,
Have done nothing of the sort.
It's sad to say, but must be said:
In truth it's I who wants me dead.
You're not so innocent,
In fact you're just as bad.
The gun pressed to my temple,
It's resting in your hand.
It's true I pulled the trigger,
But your bullet pierced my head.
The ****** thing sat there empty and un-lethal till your thoughts,
Filled the chamber one by one;
My life against the odds.
When she's awake,
For she's back in reality.
It's like drowning in water
but you're still breathing air.
The clenching in your stomach,
makes it too hard to scream.
It's like talons clawing at the inside of your body.
You feel like your heart will stop at any moment,
and you start to think,
maybe it will be easier that way.
It consumes your mind and forces its way,
into your unsuspecting thoughts.
It takes your sleep and won't let you eat,
capturing your attention for its own use.
It's everywhere you look.
It's the only thing you feel.
It's the blood coursing though your veins,
and the skin covering your bones.
It's the monster hiding under your bed,
or living in the depths of your closet.
It's the darkness that has become your life.
**And you can't escape.
Trapped in the cage of hell,
Locked within four bland walls.
Strapped down with no one to tell,
Feeling the need to escape, to crawl,
Past the strangers, away from life;
Disappear from view from sight.
Run until you're lost and gone,
Keep yourself from doing wrong.
My sanity slips like water through cracks,
Slowly vanishing and not coming back.
Fighting to protect ones I love,
But it's a loosing battle that can't be won.
That is how I feel.
There is an enormous hole in the center of my body.
I feel incomplete, and as to why?
I haven't the slightest idea.
My mind is unsure whether this state,
This black abyss,
Is more painful than the sadness, guilt, or anger,
Or perhaps all of them combined.
These other emotions have not gone,
No, I would be a fool and liar to say something as ridiculous as that.
I am saying only that the blank space in my being is drowning them out.
However not in a pleasant way.
Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to bury the pain again,
Like I did once before;
Covering it up until I think it is no more,
But only more pain and suffering will come to my broken body.
Only more confusing feelings,
Only more tainted and lost thoughts.
They ask me questions;
Ones I cannot possibly hope to answer.
How can you?
The questions: What's wrong? or Are you okay?,
They have no answer.
Because they will never understand no matter how long you speak.
Their oblivion protects them from the ugly, painful truth;
The truth that there is more behind the smiles,
And that we have to live with it.
I think it is time to give up,
Because everyday I can feel the pain of my soul and heart crumbling apart.
The sound of my own silent screams -
And that voice in my head-
Are telling me the truth;
But from experience,
Ignoring it does not make it any less the truth or even stop,
It only makes them louder.
With the voices getting louder,
And my being getting smaller,
We both know who will end up on top.