Suddenly I do not care.
     Yes, these feelings transcend distance and time
              But your actions prove scathing
                          This wall impenetrably done.
So those moments I'll tuck away
                                     Throw inside
                   Keep way at Bay.
You'll work towards an ultimate
                                                    Happ­iness
      That always clear,
                                     care about what is invested?
To you, just another
                                  Word Smith,
             Evidence rains, fight?
Tossed inside, called upon,
                                            Informed
      ­                      Kept near.
                                      Impossible not too.
Mirror reflects
                         my actions not wildly outside your own.
So you feel what I felt,
                   and maybe still do.
                                                             ­                       I knew it was possible.
Comfort is nothing,
                                  an illusion of safe bed.
Time carries forward.
                                  Forgotten, I have accepted.

**Oct 21, 2013

Purpose Lost
Purpose Found
Purpose Changes.
                              Write to write
                              Write to Feel
Right.
              Where to find the effort?
   Comes with passion,
                                      No effort at all.
        Feel so strange.
                                     Only one constant
       One Remains
                               No need to be said.

        Happy for the present,
                                              How does sadness creep?
           It does because of others
                                          actions, words
                                                           ­         entice emotion
                   Cause and Effect
        When one is Happy
                                        does not mean that all will follow.
                         Little Things Matter.
Focus on abstract,
                                Larger required.
How is it known happiness will carry?
                                   because that Joy different.
It will carry on,
                          felt within,
                                             Soul
                                                      Wracki­ng
                                            Pleasure.
So Find It,
                   Do It,
                              Be 'It'.



**July 23, 2013

I'm not tired,
But bed would be so easy.
Pass time,
                 Past time.
That moment...
                        Lost in time.
Take it back.
This pen declares Truth.
       Not action.
What produces action?
Motive,
             Goal,
                    ...Desire.
Nothing shall Be until I take back.
Waiting,
              Counting,
                          ­     Shaking,
                                              Distractin­g.
                        Fight for control.
Step up to the ledge,
Enough cautiously testing the water,
Leap in
              Head first.
As tension builds lose yourself in the moment.
                     Patient Potential.

Heed who grew up
              In a personally constructed Bubble.
Did not want to Deal.
               Mindless Matters.
At every
               Lonesome Turn.
There are Seekers
                               Such as
                                              You.
Who have etched a
                                  Similar Path.
Find those who
                            Function as
                                  You.
Create Together.
                              Burst the Bubble.
Before it is no longer
                                    Transparent.


**Dec 2, 2013

When is
               "I could've done
                                           -Insert Dream Here-"
Too Late?
                  Is there something holding you back?
No.
        Really.
                    What chain are you secretly,
                                  possibly unknown to you
                      Burdens your shoulders?
Why do you bedraggle your hopes
                                                        Thr­ough the mud?
Beating them relentlessly
                                           Until solidly convinced they are
                                                           No More.
Because you
                    were never good enough anyways...
                             never could have done it.
Doesn't matter why.
                                  Any reason will work.
You.
          Do Not.
Need anyone else.
                             Feed yourself confidence.
Build from within.
                                Want to know how?
It is actually very simple.
              You know those Hopes?
Those
             or That
                             One thing
                                              You want So Much.
Pick it up.
Go Ahead.
                  Yes, You can have it.
The only thing is.
                             It tends to be hard work...
Many tedious hours.
                                   But the moon stays Full
                                        One Single Night.
It's whole perfection lasting fleeting minutes.
                        Yet back around it comes>
So will the
                  Pride
That fills your mind,
                        body,
                        soul,­
                                 This total complete bliss...
How is that not worth those hard
                                                        Sing­le hours?
It can't be
                 It's Not
                              Because all those hours are Fun.
Cherishing,
                    True,
Though struggled
                               They brought forth New.
A quiet new skill
                             known only to you
To bring Forth that Bliss
                          That single adventure sought by You.
Think Back.
                    Was it really just the one?


**Aug 24, 2013

Should admit quiet confession?
              So tired of being a slave
To a structure
                        I Fabricated
To You
To You
         To an Idea.
Just leave it to
                        Ferment.

**Aug 26, 2013

Round and round we go
Don't know where is home
           What is home?
What is
What is
So many questions
So many things to discover
What will happen
Where will I go

So many things to tackle
No idea what will happen
What to say
What to try
         Possible to know?

Where are all these words coming from?
Where do all these thoughts originate
Why does it seem like I can't write about anything else


**Written sometime... Discovered April 28, 2013

What is on my mind?
Well take a look at what I write.
               These are what I choose to say.
What I understand.
                                Or think I understand
                                          For now.
For thoughts are always forming,
                                        growing,
       ­                                 evolving,
            CONSTANT

­Things need to change.
              Become different.
And not just with me.
           With you.
           With Others.
                                 With the World.
            With the way our souls connect.

You have no idea what is going on in a strangers life.
The least you can do is put
                                           a Smile on
                                      For them regardless
                                        of how you feel.

It does not matter what you say,
                            what you do.
As long as you make a kind gesture
To acknowledge an "Others" existence.

We do not need analysis,
Theories made up and 'proven'
Words over drawn and meanings miscarried.
Thoughts over done and
Spoken words misleading.

All we need is that reconnection
Reclaim what we once had.
               The Beauty of Everything
                    At our fingertips,
                     In our full grasp.
                  Lost.
                           But not gone.

While I say this,
I understand that I cannot know how
Things actually were way back when.

But look at the people right now,
Living in similar situations as those before us.

                        Yes.
                               They still exist.

They are Happy.
Though they have little.
Often none.

So where I am.
Where we are.
Is not where I'm supposed to be.
    Not where I can exist.
    Not where We can exist.

Where personal destruction found
Worldly disaster will soon follow

As we destroy ourselves,
Help each other dig those graves...
We are also destroying earth.

So how can we live,
     How can I stay alive

How to get there?
        This abysmal place where all is well.
These material things cannot follow
                They weigh down,
                        Provoke,
                Provide measurement.

There should be no scale.
Each moment should be one to share,
                                        one to learn,
                                        one to grow,
                                        one to offer.

The greatest gift you can give to others is to let them Experience You.

The greatest gift others can give to you is to let You Experience Them.

                                                               ­                                                   **June 7, 2013

Sometimes when I think too much my
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
                                               Illogical.

This is my release
                             how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
                                           Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
                                                             ­              Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
                             Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
               When I want to communicate my feelings
                          My desires
                          My Love
                                                 I cannot.
There is just below
                              Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
           Was good enough
                                            When I was more than expected?

These words
                    and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
                  Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...

Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
                            Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
             Thought I had one solid Friend
                    With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
                                             everything was fair
                                              everything could share
Except not,
                   because I know you don't share all
                         And won't bare forth
                   So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
               Burning my flesh,
                                               my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
              How many left to travel?

Then there is You.
                            I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
                                            Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
                    Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
                                  or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
                      As do You.
And my wish,
                      that I cause Smiles...
                      Small moments of bliss
                      As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
                                              A wish.

When I walk,
                      I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
                                     too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
                     Confidence gone,
                                                  if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
                 No future reference
                                      of
              ­                            Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
                One place I'm allowed to be Real.

Things change after moments
                                       which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
   To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
                                       That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
        All I want is to go back to how it was,
                                      Before actions turned things around
       As I knew they would.
                                             Which is why things stay Hidden.

Just accepted that No one will feel.

       But I want us to grow.
            Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
                                    That would be changing You.
I already love You.
                                Wouldn't want to change.

How do I learn to communicate verbally?
                   Without this pen as my
                                                          Stri­king Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
                                  Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
                                 Always fear.
But with You
                     somewhere I Know
           You're Listening.
                                      So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
                         Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
        So here again left with these thoughts,
                             Always Searching
Not always relevant.
                      But if I could just ask a question...

What does your brain prattle on about?
                  When no one is talking,
                   When things are quiet,
                   When walking, driving,
                                                        ­ Being Alone?
What happens inside,
                                  Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
                  To turn this off,
                  To preoccupy with something else
                   To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
          Then again,
                               it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
                                   An incredible concept
                                   A beautiful Thought.
   How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
              Learn who I Am.
                        Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
                            My opinion is strong,
                                        This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
                                 and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
                                   done worse
         And Smile and the memories.

Recognize that I am a Person
              With strong,
                                        cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
                                   and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
                There is no instructing
                            Guidance.
               ­                       Act of Love.
Simply commands.
                                 Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
            Do you not desire to
                                              Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
                   But also know that a lot of this is
                                  For Me.
Not to make you mad,
                                    Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
                                    Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
                                             That it will disappoint
                                                 But it will Happen.

All that is left is this hell bending effort
              to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
                 Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
                                            Desires.





**July­ 11, 2013

Prying into the heart of the unknown when you realize
Oportunities are endless if you create them.
Tedious work that results in glowing pride,
Endless discoveries if only interests would show.
Nothing seems to matter, nothing worth my
Time. Yet all this passion has to go some where, those words cannot be an
Illusion. There must be a purpose. I feel it
All around, this pull that I can 'do', like there is something more for me.
L**ingering desire to explain.

Why does Pure
                           Silence.
Cause Human
                          Madness?
Extreme
               Discomfort?
Pack Animals
                 Of the most
                                       Ferocious
                                                        Variety.
The most dangerous
                                    Species
Known to this
                        Planet.
          Destructive.
                               Par None.
The
       Silence
                    So deafening...
Allows witness to this
                                     Disease.
Our selfish motives,
                                  Almost every action.
Is it the
             Silence?
  Or
         Is it being
                                                                                          Alone?
Which causes
                          Insanity.


**Dec 2, 2013

Attempt to be in control
                                             Create a script
                    Pull strings attached to hearts.
Do you do it?

                               I’ve been your puppet.
                            But this is not about me.

This is about the things beyond control.
You cannot account for free will.
Don’t create a plan,
                                     Or script,
                                                  No expectations.

Nothing to be tarnished.
No standards to be met.
                                Everything a blissful surprise.

Words
Power
Action.
Late.
Torn
Weeks.
Nothing,
Faded.
Arms
Part.
­Hurt.
Point?
Fun.
See
Ache
Going,
Remain.
Keep
Future.

We have been given a
                   WORLD
Where
                Thinking.
Is.
     Just.
             Not.
  Required.
              Who says Zombies
                                         Cannot Exist?
Are not walking
                            Among us.
     Void Emotion.
                              Void Human
                                                     Sincerity.
This
        'Functioning Society'
                       We have greedily gobbled
From a Silver,
                         Gold plated platter.
Does not support
                              Connection.
Promotes Private.
                 Singular Successes.
One ocean of
                       Opportunity.
                                                 How?
Tell a bird to swim.
                           Hold it's breath.
To halt it's lovely
                             Song?
It will
            Perish.
                         Forced to
                                           Thrive,
                                           Live,
                                           Exist,
                                          Be Content
In conditions it was not
                                         Designed
                                                           to Flourish.
You.
         Have a Particular,
                                         Admonishing
               Spirit.
Designed for a Certain
                                       Purpose.
The Human
                      Frailty,
Deemed
               Consciousness,
Possessing Thought.
                                    Curses
                                                     and
                                    Prizes.
The ability to choose a
                                         Niche.
Complicatedly,
                            Distraught and
Scared.
              We all begin to carve.
Choose Air,
                    Fire,
                            Water.
As our ideal conditions.
                    In which lies, Your
                                                      Destiny.


**Dec 2, 2013

How do you cleanse a soul
                      That wants so much
Yet is given nothing.
                                   Cry those tears
Say those words
                                                                   Allow yourself to feel.
Well when that happens
                                 Those emotions crash like a wave
Wow,
          Who know it was possible to feel like this?

Well I have,
                    my entire life
Back to square one,
                                this relentless self-worth
No one's felt back,
                              that useless desire
So why should I bother to let myself feel?
            It always ends the same
Back in this spot,
                            Weapon poised straight in hand.
Maybe this is all I'm meant to be.
            A strange person behind a name
                                             and a pen.
There is no where left to turn
                       No one left to call
So what happens now
                                     When I feel even less than before
                                     When there's nothing to look forward too
No,
        Not anymore.
I turn my back on nothing,
                                    Just let it slide
Return if you want,
                                I can spare no more effort.
These things never have validation
                               So I wait for the first move
For someone to show
                                  that yes I'm Intriguing
                                                      Interesting
                                       Though quiet.
To show me that it's possible.
                              That I'm not just a laugh riot.
But that's how this faded,
                        How time has passed
                                               but there is no real change.
Without acting upon desires,
                                                my feels,
                                                                 my concrete thoughts.
I let others influence
                          Allow their words to sink in
Sometimes this is good.
                                      But when you know what you want
Just go for it.
                     There will be no regret,
Because at least you tried.
             Right now I see no reason to try try, try.
I'll wait a little longer
                        Until this knot in my throat
Finds somewhere else to hide.


**July 15, 2013

Is it possible for a heart to drop twice?
Does it fall deeper?
Or does it hit the ground harder?

I don’t know how this happens,
And I don’t know why you insist on torturing me.

Yes, there is jealousy,
Yes, there is anger.
Mostly, there is pain.

                                                      Obvious?

Sick of being the ‘wrong’ girl?
No attempt at being right.
What is halting?
Why does this seem different?
In those moments,
                                     I have never felt more perfectly content.
For not wanting to give that up,
                                                          To move on,
                                                                                    Or forget.
I will not apologize.

Time is time,
I have never really cared for it.
Patience my refined skill nearing perfection.
        Ability to act fine a skill I never intentionally practiced.
My greatest skill.

Time is waiting.
So I practice patience,
If you’re ready to be right…

This music reminds me to Pay Attention.
                        To Plan.
Greatness does not just
                                          Happen.
It takes many hours to
                                        Produce
       To your Satisfaction.
Find that
                 Rather
Put to the front of your mind and
                         Life.
That which you pour your Soul into
        That which you cannot abandon until
It meets your exact
                                  Specifications.
That is what you should be doing.
             Please,
                         Pick It Up.

**Nov 10, 2013

How can you speak so Loud,
                                   so Long,
And say nothing?
        Listening is Polite.
You could speak for days and not
             Change my Life.


**Nov 10, 2013

Your conservative stance lacks progression
Yet what we consider good, fair, and democratic: A turmoil of mess built for profit.
Your ancient religion lacks moral conviction
Yet look at the heart of them all - Same.
And so it was written, so blindly accepted.
Don't just accept. Read. Re-read. Analyze. Understand.
Ideals built by mad bricks melt by the heat of each new day.
Direct the inferno to keep what needs to remain.
Solids back to liquids. Innovation, restructure. Morality intertwined.
Everything is already at your disposal.
Buried within the confines of your cosmic being.
Let it surge and you can become you - Happy.
America: the Mecca, progression within the question.
What needs to be done?
                                      What is our progression?
                                                                               Does 'America' need to fall?
The holy trinity: mind, body, soul. Understand?
Understand? All three?
I cannot even get my mind to understand my mind.
The greatest powers: the most complex
Eye cannot say anything, but you will do
I will say.
My words will power action.
Full force that no one will be able to reckon with.
It takes patience and a mind for you to realize the 47
So stop investin' in the Wesson, more your fellow brethren.
Patience. Not this month, this week, this day, right now...
This year?  
                 This decade?
                                      This century?
I'm willing to work, bring morality back for my brethren.
Do what is possible, it will surprise the masses.
Shock the masses into beneficial impact.
The fear of chaos, the unknown, exists only in the past.
                                      Organize the Chaos.




*Written April 26, 2013 in collaboration with Jack Preston. http://hellopoetry.com/-jack-c-preston/

The* wonderful innocence of a child will lead her outside during early Spring. When the snow is still melting, lingering on the ground, hoping to give nourishment.
     Now, instead of laughing, making mean quips, or doing something deconstructive. Why not reply in kind...
                  
               "It is nice you want to feed the birds my dear, but sadly they are not quite near. So sweetie, why don't you start saving scraps of bread and we'll go down to the lake in a few weeks instead".
    
     Why not take that rare, careful awareness of others, no matter how small and mold it. Allow it to grow. Nourish what you gave life too.
      Feed her more than the food on the table, give her more than comfortable place to sleep at night. Yes, these are necessary and hard work. But a child needs more than a safe haven that isn't so welcoming, not all safe.
     She needs to know her thoughts have merit, weight, can become tangible.
Not laughable, impossible,
                                           Or just not worth it.


*Oct 14, 2013

The quiet was nice before
But now it's starting to irk me.

It echoes with everything I've been avoiding,
this sinister road on the highway to everywhere.
Instead of no where.

At least no where I would be lost..
Infinite space, time and control.

Contradiction?
                         No.
Stuck in the void means there are no expectations.
Trapped in endless space with only your mind to fill it.
No outside voices, nothing telling you how you should be.

People empower you, want certain things for you, raise you on a pedestal
...You're not even sure you can keep up, to fulfill their desires for you.

But you say nothing...
                                      Keep quiet...
                                                             Float to the background.
As you have skillfully done for years.

Take the situation and control it, own it, make it yours.
Force it to produce the outcome that you, only you wish to see.

Recognize that you desire and work to acquire.
Life is too short to make every body happy, but,
Too long to live alone.

This Burning,
                      This Passion,
                                             This Fire,
                 This Pressure in my chest.
It Builds
              and Towers until this odd and almost
                                                          ­                  Unwelcome feeling presents itself.

I want to take it out,
Hold it in front of Me,
      That glowing orb.
I want to analyze it.
                                Peer inside.
Witness what it beholds.
Yet this is not a physical witness
Anyone can Attest too.
Nothing that can be held.
               Except me.
                                 It is Me.
                                                That is You.
Waiting to burst forth and be
                                                Freed.
Maybe that is why you can already feel it Me
                                                              ­         l
                                                               ­     t
                                                          ­gni
                                                    Away,
The­ Burning Pressure,
              Receding.
That undefined ache of your Soul.
               Finding Breath
Do not hide it in.

Mix of Excitement
                       And Fear
As you grow to let it
                                             Shine.

You will Feel Better,
                                 Empowered.
                    Confident and  
                                             Fine.

Take that Glowing Orb.
                                       Allow it to
           Light Others,
As you know you should,
                                           Have.
                                            Will
          ­                                  Can
                           ­                  Do.
                                          
In small.
             Growing ways.
Planted the Subtle Seed,
                                  waiting to receive
                                     Nourishment.

Being alone
                   Surmounts this feeling
Becomes Encompassing.
            No Escape,
                               All Fear.
Not knowing where it's coming from
                                            Or why it brings me Tears.
Do not like being stuck,
                                 Feeling Stuck Here.
It is always possible to Remove Yourself
In Fact,
             Several different ways.

Constantly remind self that
                                              Presence is Desired.
Have trouble feeling Welcome
                                     Hate Hiding in the Corner
Finding comfort in it's
                                      Cold,
                ­                                Tired Embrace.
Longing to Step Free.
                           Climbing the Confidence Ladder
                            Through the Maze of Hate,
                            Around the Thrashing Waters of
                                             Deceit.
Quietly,
              Heart Screaming,
Some will fall away.
                                 Evidence of False Need
                                                     False Friend
                                  Be wary of turning into Foe.
Scared to Lose,
Fear Gaining,
                             Not Living.




July 29, 2013
**Edited August 3, 2013

Seems Daunting.
          Does it not?
External. Outside. No longer part of You.
The place where All and Nothing Exists.
      Seems a tad...Relieving, now doesn't it?

It is Everything You once held True.
       Feelings, Actions, Desires, and Conversations never spoken.
These things may not have been shared by two Intellectual Beings.
         Some would say this makes them not Real.
In certain circumstances, they may be correct.

     Yet, There exists a certain realm where they could have happened.
                         Had You Acted.
There is but this Time. This single ticking Clock.
  Those Feelings,
                That Every Desire.
Running through Your Mind.
               Is Real.

Once Eclipsed Your Soul.

  All is Moving,
          Constantly Turning.
Each Action Bares Your Soul.
           Is a Decision.
Follow True Hearts Content.
          Rise and Be Free.
Exactly as it is Meant to Be.
                 Chances will Happen Again.

Bound to Come Around.
            In passing Time some believe another life.
Exactly how much do we remain the same over these passing years? How far do our memories actually reconnect? How often do You remember childhood laughter; lessons? How many things does our subconscious actually hold on to; Guides us and Retrieves us from acting so wholly?

Each Individual possesses a Bound...
                Their Universe.
Their Thoughts.
         Their Energy.
                  Their Lives.
Are thoughts, once spoken
             Not Ideas Shared?
Is Energy Not Felt?
               Though Almost Incommunicable,
Instincts, Body, knows Truth.
         Do Lives Not Collide?
In every passing Stranger.
                   Is the Chance to Become a Friend.
Each way
         Eyes will turn.
Always reminded.
            I am Not Alone.
Forever surrounded by other passing lives,
                                   Another ticking clock.
Until the Face is Broken.
         Until someone Extends a Favour.



**July 9, 2014

In many instances my actions have been exactly
    as I've wished to receive.
             How could you expect more than what you are willing to give?
I cannot 'become' this.
                              I Am This.
This unconscious drive for all to be equal.
        What is wonderful is that is not where these actions or thoughts stem from.
Not the original purpose.
             That is just what would happen.
Almost chain reaction.
            Split second transferal of consciousness
  "Put yourself in their shoes"
Well...
             Sometimes they don't have shoes.
All this is meant to evoke is an emotional response...
           "What does this person need from me that is within my full power to give, to aid success, to ease the burden on their shoulders".
     It doesn't have to be much.
These actions rarely noticed.
                Though powerfully held,
   Radically Helpful.
Bound to ruin a day.
                                     Had you not acted.
                                        Had I not acted.
So,
      There.
                  You do have Agency.
Though rarely immediately for Self.
    When they are noticed it is extremely encouraging.
When reciprocated, mind stunningly shocked. -why?-

I want to become someone even more
    Aware of this awesome power,
                                                       To use it more forcibly,
         Controlled.
Find a larger forum.
                                 Promote positivity,
                                 Promote life,
                                               action,
           Finally treating others as you.
Not based on outward appearances
             But what my mind
and ever lofty
                      Spirit
Have to offer,
                       Are here to give.
Want nothing more than to share this
                       Simple way of living
Where it is impossible to be alone,
                             For someone to be forgotten.
To understand that friendship,
                             and family,
                             and Life
Are reciprocal.
           Sometimes you must offer before you receive.

I want to become someone who knows the difference.
      Never intentionally seeking harm.
Unavoidable when trying to attain
                     Everything in a made up world where
People in pictures are not real
               Digitally altered.
                                             No one looks like that.
Surgery the only way.
            So to get there,
                                       one must be as altered as the photo.
Acting in ways outside themselves to have
                 This. Fake. World.
   Stomping on others,
                                      Wildly avoiding most.
Crushing people everywhere to
                                    Build that sight
To have what is 'offered'.
         Has it progressed so far that the
idea of 'perfection'
                             is only gained under a knife,
                                                         through strife,
                                           Taking more than one life.

So without knowing,
                   This person has been becoming
an amazingly self-less, caring, empathetic
                            Human Being
with this forgotten knowledge that
       small actions, something that took minutes to complete,
may not have been so tiny.
                    You never know what you could inspire
   Or what would inspire you.
All you have to do is kindly offer
               The goodness of your soul,
Every skill you've honed.

Become someone that allows this to happen
      That brings memory back.
                                                   That Returns Happiness.

**Oct 14, 2013

So many conflicting thoughts,
As time ticks on the clock.
     What to do,
                        Where to go?
      Time ticks on the clock.

So many shocked ideas,
So Hard to find the Truth.

     Time ticks on the clock
             What to do,
                                Where to go,
      Time to find the Truth?
       Settle down,
                           Find 'Home Ground'
                Create the Standard Life?

So many hard times fought
That impact carries on,
       Time ticks on the clock.

Never been the standard
Don't know my good manners,
         So Hard to learn falsehoods...
       Time ticks on the clock.

You want to change the world?
Control conflicting thoughts.
                                Don't know Home,
                                Where I'll go?
       Time ticks on the clock.

Find a settle
                   or use the chaos
Control conflicting thoughts.
                       Create no standards,
                                                      ­   No good manners.
       Time ticks on the clock...




**May 9, 2013

I've all these Tokens...
        Tangible
                       and not.
That remind me of you
         When I think of you
          Because of you
              All of You.
                                   That Random Smile...
                                                                         Yours.
So when I lose that one
                 There was anger,
                                              frustration,
                                Sadness.
                                  Lost.
Yet there is still the memory
               of where we were
                    what we did
         And maybe you still have yours...
That would cause my heart to soar
        Because maybe you care
                     Maybe it meant something.
So Yes;
             I'm still on the hook
               Whether wanted or not

It's still the cat.

                            So I cannot let go
                                                         Not Yet.
Still holding onto that 10% hope
                    Until something forces it gone.





**July 5, 2013

My Heart can only Scream so Long
                                                          so­ Loud
Echoing with all I wish you would accept.
              Even forming these words grow tiresome.
They are read but not
                                      Alive.
                ­                      In Time...
                                                      The­y shall ring True
The rest will pour forth when finally
                                                         ­             Near
          I Hope to get that Chance
To add more proof,
                               evidence,
                                              Solidify your Reality.
But I cannot continue to care so Deep
           See so Strong...
Feel so Foolish
                         So grow into that hidden Strength
While I try to forget that glow,
                                                  glint,
  ­                                                         glitter...
                           Sparkle behind that Smile.
But I'm not gone...
      That collision of Space and Time.
                                Reverberating.


          ­                   Just tell me. When exactly do these ripples end?
Well you have control you see,
it is not the same as throwing a rock into the water and watching the ripples disappear.
This is more than just a simple stone tossed in a lake.
Yes,
those ripples move,
but they eventually fade.
We have choices, that maybe sort of false sought out Destiny.
But we decide, have that choice, that one, two, or three.
So this thing we have,
however small it may be,
is maybe one and or two holding onto this growing Tree
clinging to that whatever small heart string.
So maybe, just maybe, you will eventually
                       See.


**July 24, 2013

False words pass through once
                                                  Smooth lips.
Tongue wags in duality.
                                         Knowing easy lies.
                                                           ­     Able to deceive.
                  Beware.
Brain knows should not be speaking,
                                             planning,
                                             acting.
Yet jaw moves freely.
                                  Icing over any worries
                Before a spark can fly.
Once you start creating false instances,
                                      Omitting key facts,
Or simply avoiding the ones
                                        You most care for
and Love you most.
                                  Then something has gone astray.
Do not avoid this.
                           Stop making excuses.
           You have been Lying.

**Oct 22, 2013

Is fleeting.
Possibly an illusion
               Intangible
Allowance.
                  Does Love always follow?
Perhaps versions,
                            Different crowds
different personalities
                           Yet Same.
Just searching for a constant
                         Maybe stumble into one
Hard to know,
                        Nay
Impossible.
So easy to spit lies,
                              Incomplete truths
This actions completely outside oneself.
        Completely,
                           and Absolutely
       The Other Person.
How many chances?
                                   Possible to get back once lost?
Limited, patient, costly...
                               Who do you Really Trust?


                                                        ­                                            **August 1, 2013

I Trust these words will present themselves
            Nervous though I may be
So many Political,
                             Religious,
                                            Societal,
­                          Problems.
Let Me Talk.
                      It will be eye opening.
      Presented in a new way.
Because what is prattled on about
                                            pretty useless
                       in the grand scheme of things.
My words will present a Reality.
                                                    If only you would listen.

My soul is unique,
                               cherish-able.
             I will help you become what is necessary
                                    For You.
Whether I know it or not.
                 That is my soul.
Because the little things are what people care about
                  Even if they don't consciously notice.
                               They smile.
                              Soul at ease.
I am a True Treasure
                                  that could do more than already managed.
Maybe I'm being conceded,
                                           Maybe I think more people should keep me around.

I want to make a change
               More direct than others.
So be somewhere with influence
         But start with the masses
Change comes from  people
                                            From those being effected.
We outnumber our suppressors
                        If only we could rally up.
If all goes well,
                        become the force that binds together
                                    unnoticed, yet
Noticed.

**May 28, 2013

The moon flies high,
The sun dips low
       The stars come out.
Dredging up this thing called Hope
                And spirits fall to empty
                                                        no where left to go.
When found to be within the state of Hope
                     Get Out.
A timid,
              frightening,
                               ­  joyful,
                                             soul-wrenching
place                    to                  be.
Cannot stop
Cannot control it.
                              Everything can be controlled
Because those words...
                      I know there were not meant for me
Those
            Last                                     someone else gets to make you happy... everyday.
                      Three
                          ­        Words.
     The message
      The Hope
The you want to be there
         Not here
         Not my arms.
                Hope is an empty void
Both uplifting and demolishing
                                                   At the same time.
Must be controlled.
                                 Is being controlled.
         You do not want me.
My heart has skipped many a beat for you.
               Time to get that steady rhythm back.
These will have no more titles
                          no more thoughts
                          Just Release.
I apologize for being that naive
                                  That much of a Joke
                                  For holding that much Hope.
You'll put that easy smile there
               with one extra just for you.
Put there oh so easily.
                                                                ­                        Love to see you shine.
               Sorry for being ignorant
               Sorry for playing the fool.
My heart holds onto much
Including the memory of you...
                                                   Someone will be lucky to just have You.
As more moments pass,
                                       this will likely be easier
As long as that smile...
                                       never parts from your face.


                                                         ­                                                 **June 12, 2013

Such an odd and incredulous thing
When you choose to give up your humanity
Your personhood
Your heartbeat
The rise and fall of your chest
As your lungs take in
This constantly polluted air.

The exhaust from humanity
The perishable efforts
Are none.

How many of us have already given up
The face of hope
The walk of life
Yet continue to flop across the earth
As a fish out of water,
A proper environment
Dug out and exposed,
Chopped down and rolled over,
Creating this
New World
Where the words ‘take what you need’
Are never uttered.

Where the concept of helping those in need
Does not involve you
Unless directly connected.
Even then it is seen as an obligation,
Not just a reaction,
A simple kindness when you have
Extra.

When did this die?
           When can I die?

So this choice to physically leave,
Finally be rid of this disaster we have come to call life
And Government
And Responsibility
And Religion,
And Teaching…

All of it fabricated by faulty,
Hardly even there
Morals.
Designed to keep in check,
To placate,
To keep distracted as you believe you are
Being ****** dry…

Well you are,
We all are.
Yet
Here, with this ability to communicate
I am better off.

There are so many people in the world
Waiting for the bandage to be ripped off,
Enduring those moments of
Eye watering pain
So that the wound may find air,
May find healing breath and
Action to make as
One.

There is more than enough for everyone to be
Happy and
Well taken care of.
So that not another soul feels lonely,
Another belly goes malnourished.
Enough so that every person will never have to worry
About sustenance again.

What would this world order look like?

It could be filled with innovation
And design
And the hopefully True Nature
Of Humanity to thrive
Together,
To build on each others successes.
Instead of this endless jealousy,
This backwards mentality that we are on this earth
Alone.

That we are all meant to sacrifice each other to be
The last one standing.
Well if that just happens to be you…
Then what?

What happens now?


When you think you have everything you need
Except that saving voice,
That soulful touch,
That incredulous connection to another.

Where did it go?
It has been demolished,
On the wrecking site for years.

I do not want to wait for that time,
When things implode.
It is already bad enough,
I cannot walk through this
Fake and tired path
Anymore.

We are animals locked in conditions to
Mimik our true atmosphere...
When those barriers crash down,
Coughing up the dust and misery
You will be left with
Absolutely no understanding of the Earth.

Introduced to the earth,
Humanity would
Perish.

I am already alone,
Just let me go,
Though pleading useless,
As simply no one
Is Listening.


**Sept 29, 2013

I have been avoiding this for a long time.
Simply because I know how hard this will be.
Trying to find the right words is an impossible task
Every time I try to confront these overwhelming, hidden emotions my universe implodes.
Suddenly everything becomes meaningless.

                                                                 Void of light,
                                                                 Void of sound,
                                                                And void of emotion.

The only thing that is left is me.
                                                               Just that a ‘thing’.      

Lost in everything where there is nothing to be found.
I try to force my way through this haze of confusion,
This inability to understand my own emotions.
This inability to let myself feel.
This ability to bottle everything up, and
This ability to stray so far from home with no trail leading back…
                                                                                                                                My tears are my only guide.
Full of everything that I have felt and have not let myself feel.
In them lay a world of understanding and clarity that will constantly be out of reach,
For we cannot read our tears.
They are tiny messengers with no message to deliver,
Even if we could read them, there would be nothing to see.
Always left to our own devices, our own thoughts, on your ‘own’.
In the midst of loneliness we must remember we are not alone.
The world is crawling with billions of people,
Chances are someone is willing to listen, because
                                                                               We cannot read our tears.

Interesting.
                    Such a simple prompt.
Yet such an important question.

     Today.
I am Happy.
     An odd mix of
Simple Nothings...
                                 Yet.
  Longing For More.
                      Organizing Goals.
Finally So.
                   Few kept this Soul
                                          Around.
Now the sound
                           Gorgeously Echoes my Soul.
  I Reverberate.
                  Wonder what will Happen.
Yet still scared.
                     Won't Go Searching.
   Sit Alone.
            But for the First Time
can Stand Taller.
                     Wake Earlier.
Fighting for Something.
              
            "Education" may differ.
Not been Told, Encouraged, Supported.
    To Succeed.
                 Confidence often Falters.

Today.
             I can say I have come an
                       Incredibly long
                                                  Way.
Fought through a
                               lot
             Changed
                             a
                                lot
Gave up
               a
                  lot.
Today I can say
               There is More to travel.
I do not know what the
                     Future Holds.
Today,
            I see my Actions
Design it.

Less things seem so
                       Important.
More things seem to
                       Matter.

Tomorrow...
   I Can Wake.


**May 15, 2014

I just need one simple touch
It doesn’t even have to be much

Something to know that people still care
Something to prove humanity still there.

Is there anything that separates us from animals anymore?
Is compassion becoming a chore?

I think before I act and act before I think but both seem to land me in trouble.
Tension hovering at the surface always.
Float above
                         as if no harm can come.
Tempers soar,
Voices raise,
Tension increases.
                                                                                                                                                     Times goes on,
                                                                                                                                                     Memory fades,
                                                                                                                                    Moments never forgotten.
                                                               Always at the surface.
Things have been falling apart.
It needs to be said.
It needs to become real, true, manifested deep within our conscious.
It needs to be fixed, it needs to be solved. None of us can handle it.  
It is never too late.
But it is time to get started.

Walk up to an
                         Empty Room.
Stand in the Doorway.
                   Witness the Silence.
Few deep,
                  Calming Breaths.
Move to the Center.
                                   Look at every
                                                           corner.
Imagine the Bodies,
                                  Spirits.
That have connected.
                                     Shared themselves.
See the shadows of
                                 Memory.
Feel the Energy,
             the Laughter,
                                    Anger,
                                                Joy,
                                                       Sadness.
Let yourself be
                           Open.
      Now.
                   Join in.
Become a memory.
                     An unforgiving
                                               Shadow.


**Dec 2, 2013

I may be afraid to write
but only because I don't want it to be about you...
My heart already knows you're always on my mind,
My mind has already accepted it.
      I'm just waiting to not feel,
Hoping something could. will happen.
             But just waiting not to feel.
Sadly like all the others faded away.
But this is different?
                                 I don't know you'll stay around.
But I hope you will.
                                 I want you too.
Fact is. You're unreal.
            That's not going to change.
If you Vanish,
                       how will I know you were ever real?


**May 9, 2013

Maybe I'm just too childish to be Blind.
             Perhaps it is that simple,
This easy
                If only you would allow.
Just be Honest.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Innocence reigns through each and every vision
Not enough wisdom;
                                    Cannot make differences coincide.
Cannot take more;
                                Comfort in so many options.
While others have less than none.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind
           This weakness of over Simplification.
Most say it's Utopian.
                                      This perfect world that can
                                                Never Exist.
Causing this insane world view
               That is actually the most sane.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Something happens as we age...
Added complications, useless reasons,
                                                             Just the bully on the playground.
            Something changes as we age...
Pain of others easy to avoid,
                                              Just close your eyes.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Or
                     Maybe I'm just one of few still able to
                                                See.


**Oct 9, 2013