My soul feels full.
                             So much waiting to burst forth,
My mind the only block,
                                        Simply not allowing to write.
So now I sit here with these charged thoughts
This Chaos of words waiting to be
                                                          Organi­zed.
Most of them revolve around the same thing
              Those I have been trying to suppress.
But before my soul can properly divulge into the rest of the
                                  Chaos
Those words must be filled.
The empty potential on the page given life.
                 Because my heart remains with that 10%.
So give me reason to shed it
                                          to move my heart forwards.
Tell me you felt nothing.
                                       Tell me you're not intrigued.
Tell me you're not interested.
                             Then my heart can move forward with sorrow...
                   But Forward and On it shall
                               Go.


**May 28, 2013

Pick up the Pen,
                Put it to Paper
Write to Write.
        It is your therapy.
                     Where you find release.
How things come out.
              Do not analyze it.
Just do it.
          The words will enact
                    What They Must.
Most things will be for you
              Because you have allowed the turmoil.
Why do you fear?
          Why find it so hard,
                                             discouraging,
                     Unpowered
To allow your passion,
                                       Learn the knowledge.
Daunting,
                  Yes.
End goal?
                None.
                             So far
                                 Right Now.
Lost from Home,
        from touch,
        from tender allowance
                                 to be so calm
Not on the edge
               Wistfully walking this manicured path.
Though I do not believe they exist.
                      At least not wholly.
Some things get easier,
                      A path you do not have to clear,
Sadly most fought through.
                  Know what you need to do.
Why can you not find the energy?
                                     the desire
                                     the anything
To sit down and read what angers you,
                            That anger feeds the passion
Passion such a daunting task,
                                               repeatedly kicked down.
So much courage lost,
                                      Not built,
               Drained away
Must learn to step forth,
                                         Crash into what is there
Just go out,
                     You make yourself alone
Trying to end
                        The endless cycle.
Trying to gain some advantage
                        Over this creeping Darkness.

Do not want to assume
       But it consumes our daily lives.
How can we act or
                       Not act
Without some assumptions?
                Maybe we call them something else
To put our ill seeking minds at ease.
              Want to just do it
                                     Go for it.
                                          Conquer it
But paralyzingly fear the consequences
            Ultimately we are all just individuals
                                    Sorting
Through this Chaos we have created
                 How are we supposed to know what is Best?
Let yourself be you,
                            be in the situation,
                                                               do not analyze.
Because the thing is,
                       When are we not learning
                                     Who we are?
Simply just choose.
                                 Make an action.
   Just.  
             Decide.

**Oct 5, 2013

Feeling wanted,
                                   worth,
                      ­                                 desire
                      My company.
Impacted?
                   All I've ever wanted to do.
Change something, someone,
                                                     Hopefully their version of 'better'
            So,
                                      Wow.
                 Thank You.
I want to keep this feeling,
                 keep impacting,
                 keep being me.
                 keep people around me where I don't have to try.
It's so good when there is no effort...
                                                 Just React.

Time is not a
      *luxury



TIME is
         NOT
                                                         ­                 All this time,
                                                           ­        have we always had
                                                             ­         it, or are we just
                                                            ­           conscious of it?
                                                             ­         days and nights,
                                                                ­      moons and suns,
                                                                ­       always passing,
                                                        ­            have always passed.
                                                         ­      What did those people do?
                                                            B­efore things were so calculated,
                                                    y­ear, month, day, hour, minute, second.
                                                         ­     Form of communication...
                                                ­                         Necessary?
                                                      ­          Mother of invention.
                                                      ­               Time is living,
                                                         ­  Nothing can exist without it
                                                        Becaus­e then nothing would pass,
                                                        you­r heart could not beat because
                                                        T­hat would be a measure of time.
                                                           ­ Transport to higher being?
                                                   Become something other than human?
                                                          ­       Higher Intelligence?
                                                   So how do we become outside of this?
                                                    Outside­ of this incessant counting...
                                                     ­         Where one can Truly
                                                           ­                  Be.


*June, 25, 2013

Searching for the right words.
They do not yet exist.
                                   If they can.
Feelings are constantly forming.

                   But I'm scared.
                                                         ­                    Mark of the unknown.
Mind tells heart to stop.
Heart tells mind to prepare for pain.

          This pen my avenue to Truth.

Desires shattered by storms of doubt.
Fierceness kept within the confines of my being
Threatening further personal destruction if the winds do not soon perish.

                     Experience.
                                       The test.
                    Time.
                              Eye­ of the storm.
                    Patience.
                            ­      My only skill.

Doubts and Fears do not have to be felt alone.

                            Let time be the promise of perfection.




**Written sometime... Discovered April 20, 2013

We've lost sight.
Lost sight of how easy it really is.
Lost sight of how magical and wondrous we really are.

This power, to speak these words...
to form thoughts into coherent communication,
Organizing all this Chaos.

We've all done it and I'm not going to stand here pretending I am perfect.
I am not.
It is so easy to come up with negative things, always putting people down,
Helping each other dig ourselves 6 feet under before our hearts even stop beating.

Each time words were twisted into hate,
                 you sat along while others made noises you only assumed were joy,
                 you cried yourself to sleep,
                 your only wish to not continue the day... and not to start a new one.
Each time a shovel full of dirt...
Each time the heart beats faint...
                                              
         ­                                              Softer,
                                                         ­            Quieter,
                                           Muffled.
until you can no longer see, hear, feel it. Gone.

               Such a strange place to be;
               You know you exist, you are here, breathing. "alive".
But you do not feel,
do not laugh,
do not smile,
do not feel anger, joy sad, longing, love...
You do not feel.
You do not.

                   There's not even a void, because a void insists something is missing, something needs to be replaced, something needs to be refilled and all shall return to normal.

That is not the way this works, it will never be the way this works.

There is nothing to fill,
                                       No Void.
Just the hallowed out shell of who you once were when you were happy, when you were yourself.
before everything told you it is not O.K to be who you are.
You emptied yourself, decided to start new, build yourself to 'welcome'.

But You could not find anything else worthwhile to put on your shelves.
To decorate your walls,
To fulfill or to satisfy.

So now we're just a shell...
Can't put anything back in because we've been told it's not allowed,
Not right,
Wrong.
And nothing new to put inside.

For years we wander blindly, searching for new things to fill ourselves with,
New morals, goals, ideals, an entire new way of life and thinking.
Only years later to discover we never should have abandoned those original beautiful thoughts.

Because maybe we're just ahead of our time,
This immense tool we have at our disposal; we Respect.
We choose our words and construct them so meaning is not lost or altered.
Do not speak unless it is with the
Air beneath my wings, and a birds song in my heart...

Because I want to recharge you, re-energize you, restore your faith in humanity, in my generation
I want to be the reason you cannot stop smiling that day,
But you cannot figure out why.

Small words and actions can carry the largest impact on a person's soul.
I've lived it.
Sometimes it was all that got me through.
The only reason to make it through the day.

It's not hard to be conscious, almost no effort required.
All you need is to want to be happy, positive...
Want others to smile and feel as you,
              
                 Others feel as you.

Then the negativity will cease to exist.

I am not anything you say I am.
Simply because you say I am.

Some words frighten me,
Shouldn’t be used for me,
Don’t involve me.

They are things I will always search for in others,
Things I find so easily in others.
                                         Not in myself.
They do not exist.
Though maybe I wish they did.
I am small,
protected and
                             unprotected.
Build up so many walls,
So many towers.

These towers come with guards.
These guards,
expert marksmen.
Half the time I feel lost and confused,
Searching for meaning and understanding….
                                                                                          Not searching at all.
Things just get more confusing,
Things pile on before others get resolved.

Always felt like I was doing what I was told.
Left home,
                     Found different.
                               Grew.

Now I must go back.
Take time off, but really turn time on.
This is not something meant to affect other people,
Though I’m telling myself it will.
This is something absolutely for me.

So maybe these guards, towers, walls will be removed,
Maybe I’ll find meaning, understanding, direction..
Maybe I’ll see in myself those things seen so easily in others.
Those things I’ve been told…
And so quickly, readily, easily
                                                                                                                                                Denied.
I want to find them.

So I will go where ever this search takes me
And I hope some of you tag along.
But just because you’re not, doesn’t mean I’m not
Going.

No matter how many times you plan it out,
Think it over in your head
               Analyze everything.
Try to see every logical
                                      and illogical
                Point of view.
Cover
           all
                 the
                         bases
Tell yourself you know who you are.
                                       What you are doing.
You've got morals set
                                   or beginning
Every situation will call into question those
                Things once though
Concrete.
                           Never concrete
Nothing is solid until confirmed
                                                   How to fulfill?
Justification?
                       Two
                               Equal
                                         Parts
         Agreeing?
                               STOP.
And let things happen.
                                      Don't try
                                      But try
Like waiting for a fish...
                     Let out that hook
                                                            Wait...
Expect,
             Without expecting,
                                               To catch that gem.

How to be so patient,
                                    so willing,
                                     So.             Controlled.
To allow such pondering,
                                           as many moons pass...
Is this faith?
                     To just disallow?
Is there not
                      Always
A Choice?
                     Because actions affect All
My choice to change,
                                   to act,
                                   to say,
                                   to be,
                                   to love,
                                   to create,
                                   to wonder,
To Exist.
                To act without thinking ahead,
                          the logical illogical.
To stare in that mirror...

In the moment morals?
                                      No.
           Similarities.
                               Be logical,
                                 For
                                        You.
Without thinking
                              too much.
                                                Maybe Happiness
                             Will Follow.


                                                                                                                         **June 15/19 2013

Yes.
        You are the
Center of Your
                Universe.

Look Around and
         Realize the Constants.
                            The People,
                            The Situations,
                            Activities and
                            Passions.
Which Cause
                   Your Smile to
Shine so
                Brightly,
                               So Easily.
Then Decide to Keep Them.

Now,
          Take a
                       Step
   Back
To Realize all that
                You Want.

Thoughts course
                              Daily.
"I wish I could do This,
         Had Time for This,
Wish I could be This
                 Kind of Person. Or
Live This
                Kind of Life".

Well,
         My un-wilting Flower.
There is Nothing
                         To Stop You.
From Having Everything and More
           You Never Thought Possible.

The simple requirement is
                               The Decision to
    Work For.
Only Self
                Know True Desires.

Now,
         Surround Yourself with
                              Longing Hearts Priorities
Instead of
                Waiting...
To Find
             You.

You Are the
                                           Center Magnet.
You must Open Yourself
                     To be Able
To Attract
                  Such Yearnings.
Not closed off,
        Shrouded,
        Hidden.
  So Nothing
                      Can Feel your
Pull.



**June 23, 2014

Everything Lost
                        Time to Perish
No effort
                No desire
Nothing left to find
                  Nothing left to carry forward
Not a Single
    Reason.
                   Wanted someone to care
A single entity to
                               Try.
And no one did.
                              
                                When thoughts go sour,
                                                           ­      bitter
                                                          ­       foul
                                                            ­     wretched
                                                                ­ All encompassing
Getting to the final moments
             Someone strange
                                             always seems to reach out.
How odd,
                   why does that happen?
Some ridiculous
                              Faux Pas
                                          To keep attached?

Shut up,
                Stop talking,
                                       No ones listening to you.
Sleep halts thoughts...
             Only bringing hours
                      For More
Struggling to leave the room
                                   leave your mind
Just a quietly
                        loud existence
That was never given a chance to echo.
        
                 Screams reverberate to own ears
Seeming to pass through
                                                or Around
Every Single Person
                                         Tried to connect with.
So this infinite Silence
                                           And Misery
Is already lived.
                                
                               Except that it should never be lived
A soul should not scream unto deaf ears.
Feeling more lonely than if  
                                                        Chos­en to be Invisible.
For then the cloak could be shaken off,
                                                            ­          Join fellow humanity.

Here it is peaking around corners,
                 hiding behind doors,  
                 changing pace and direction to avoid the crowds,
                 or follow the crowd because that is easier than cutting a
                                   True Path.

So the chest rises heavy,
                                           sinking further
Compacted.
                       As the heels of your feet stomp over this
Useless,
                 faintly beating heart...
Replacing it's ever faulty rhythm
                                                    With something steady.

**Sept 29, 2013

Difficult to break self,
                by yourself.
Always help...
                        People beating down.
Allowing destructive behaviour.
                     Not many shouting for you.
Though there are.
                       You have simply silenced them.
                                       Tuned Out.
A person can only take being
                                                   IGNORED
    For so long.
                         It may seem as though you have to
Struggle Alone...
                             You Do Not.
This first step is yours.
              Re-enter.
If they allow.
                       Receive help,
  But do not lean.
                   Everyone crashes.
Everyone needs added air beneath their
                            Wings.

**Nov 15, 2013

Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
                       NERVOUS.

                                               WHY?

Like the way you make me feel?

About to jump into bottomless pit.
     Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
Don't want to jump.
                                   Carefully step off the ledge.

Clearly it's not known
                  Otherwise this turmoil would have been avoided.
The Power to Entice,
                       Intrigue,
                  To Better,
                  To Breathe.
The striking power of a helpless soul
                    With so much strength
She crashes down.
                  Into a place never thought Real.
Only growth is required
                                   To possess what you desire.
The strength is there,
                                waiting to be used.
Bottled up,
                  building pressure.
                                 Concentrate the inferno
Go where you want,
                                let nothing
                                  Interfere.

Mind and Heart have switched places.
          The Heart will always cherish you,
                                    Keep you near
               Because you unconsciously provide less fear.
    The Mind knows this impossible,
                                           Absolutely no worth.
So this 10% beginning to fade
As maybe the rest already has.
                            Just a tiny glimmer of light
                                Never a reason to shine bright.
So back to waiting,
                                it never ends.
This time will be easy...
                                       I won't feel every second.

It just feels so clear to me
                   So painful that you don't see
To paint a beautiful word-filled picture
                 Would be a waste
                   And absolute blister,
On the side of your life
                                     too many complications
I won't add more,
                              said mostly all my thoughts.
It's time to make the bed,
             Let go of the Tokens
                                  Simple Memories.
Pains the heart as meanings change
             But there was never anything for you
                                     Anyway.


**July 15, 2013

How to come back to Truth
         When already lost,
         When already demolished,
                                                    I'll try not to
                                                         Lie
So many
               'omnipotent'
Things.
               Are you
                              One?
of Many?
                Absolutely.
Do not question.
                             Just Be.
As dual.
              Live with wondrous conviction
So That,
               You do not Know
                                  Time.
Yet,
        Have complete control of
                                   It.
Use the Brain.
                        Not take time off.
This is with everything,
                                        You Are Entire
                                              Being.

RELATIONSHIP
                                Put load,
                                                  too much trust?
Not enough.
Let more people in,
                Too much, too soon?
Talk during emotion,
                                       not ignore, put off, bottle up.
Let people help.
                                 TRUST.
Initial Reactions?
                                Need for people to know ME
Understand?
             Want open.
                                    Not ready.
                           Can't trust.
People throw away,
                                     turn away,
                                                          walk away,
                                   Easily?
Easy to look up to people,
                                                   don't stretch your neck so readily.
Currently happy
                               even though everything may not be as I want.
So light, so free,
                              Walking steady
                              Where I want.
Get to know deeply,
                                      let what happens, happen.
                             Don't worry.
Accept flaws as I see
            Work to accept?
Bad brutally honest?
                             Don't want to work,
                             Shouldn't have to work so hard
But I can't let go,
                              not easy.
                                               You've made your way in.
Not being with you a distinct possibility,
Yet I still hope we can remain together on some level.

Despite what happens,
                                          I am happy.
And I will continue to make choices that ensure my
                                          Happiness.

Blatant Mockery,
                                Don't pass me by.

Cruel objectivity.
                                                Did you give me a chance?
                                                Why was I written off?
Was I noticeably different or did I put myself in those situations because as much as I tried faking everyone else's idea of 'Normal' became exhausting.
                  So That doesn't matter anymore
I will never forget,
                                    taught me so many lessons.
Yet your own inadequacies keep piling up in front of me.
                 Nothing wrong with looking up to people...
Just ensure they're actually worth raising your neck.
                    This is not hate, revenge, or rejection.
This is to acknowledge the fact that you once helped me feel alone, lost, unloved, unworthy, unintelligible, broken.
Like every day a little bit of my heart would dissolve until eventually... nothing left.
I stopped existing.
                   This is to say I forgive you, but I have not forgotten.
                                    Nor will I.
My existence has been jumpstarted.
             Find myself in the middle of everything.
Good people keep happening
                                   Restore Faith
                                   Being Filled
                                No longer alone
                                No longer empty.
Things begin to flow when you don't worry.
Keep busy, distract your mind,
                                                         busy adds to worry.
Delicate.
                 Balance.
So I've moved on.
No dark shadow,
No more living a vague version of My Truth.
No more outside control.
                                           So these walls are coming down,
                                           My eyes burn from the sun,
                                           My jaw aches from this endless smile
                                                    It's getting easier.
                                                       I am Me.

As you dance between two realities,
Which is real,
                        Which is not?
         Kiss the cat.

Sometimes Emotion go
                                      Into the
            External Bound.
                                         It Matters,
                        Not Matters.
Because it is not yet time to heal,
                                             feel,
                                            Be Real.
If it rolls back...
                          Explore what is there.
Do not let another Moment pass.
A 'thing' that is not real because it is in
                                          Your Imagination.
Lies in the Abstract.
             You change each plot,
                    Beginning,
                    Middle, and
                        End.
Leaving careful detail in those small
                   Tender Touches
All Mind,
                Soul,
                         Body.
That leave Impressions...
                                         But are
                                                      Not Real.
Go out,
             Seek discomfort
                                Contort it,
                                Use the Imbalance,
                                 And Brace for Confusion.
Always better to Know then lie Awake

                                               Wondering.

Astonishing.
                         Amazing.
   How Brilliantly Blind.
How could you see so clearly?
                 Yet be walking,
                                              talking,
 ­                      acting
    With no vision.
                               No direction.
Selfishly stumbling
                               No where.

You got it,
                  head on,
                                  one nail drive.
            BAM
Except not the right words.
              But the cry was evidently heard.
The point made,
                              Message Found Home.

So where the reaction?
                                       Where the care?
As if it matters...
                     Do you even still read?
Am I attempting to communicate with a
                                    Wall?
Either way
                    I'd like to say
Thank You
                     and
*******.

Though which the stronger sentiment?
                  Don't Care.
Whichever makes you feel better.
       I could list all the reasons to
                      Thank,
Shake your hand,
                               express gratitude.
Those uplifting,
                             generous,
Soul searching, and
                                    Questioning
Rise to Self
                      Expressions
That which you do not know you
                        Employ.
       Is Not Deserved.
Would not be
                         Recognized.
                                                Legit­imized.
           Just shrugged off.
                                        Not taken to
                                                               Heart.
So those words exist
                                    as Wind
Whistling through your life,
                                                   waiting for you to pay attention.
Make sense of that noise,
                                        Take comfort in the frigid air.
But you won't.
                           So
                                        I won't.
                                                        Fi­nally.

**Oct 1, 2013

Can you have all that you desire?
               Actually Everything?
Many paths cross,
                           Every Single Day.
New faces added to your
                                              collection for Dreams.
Some align a little longer
                                             Than others.
Some not even aware they've crossed.
          If some seem to be drifting
                Do you hold any control in that current?
Can anyone alter the winds to pull back and
                                Remain?


**Aug 27, 2013

Who are we trying to impress?

               IMPRESS YOURSELF!

Why always come back to appearance?

                 SIGHT, FIRST.

Soiled communication?
                  Become so fearful
                                     so irritating
                                         so time consuming
                                             so
     out
                              of
                            ­                     the
       way.
All have been planted.
                                        Roots deep.
                   As trees.
No choice.
                    Just break through
       Wherever the seed falls
Fighting to
                    Thrive.

**Sept 26, 2013

Time is control.
        It controls us,
                               powers us,
Gives us reason to
                               Live.
Because all we have
                                 Are these Moments.
Create that Everlasting
                                   Memory.
To survive,
                   Leave a Legacy?
Something Bigger than Self.
                                                Forget It
                                                   Be It
                                                  Use It
Please,
             Leave a changing moment
                            Stay seated on the Bus.



**July 23, 2013

You must take the
                                Time

Must reset and
                           Organize.

All things do not need to be
                Shared.

Develop
               Repertoire.

Pick and Choose
         Be
              Diligent
Adamant.
                  Sit down and
                                                SORT
Create Categories
                          Outside what has
                                                         Found Page.
Start
Fresh.
           This creation,
                                   This Potential.
Ultimate
Destiny.

**Nov 22, 2013

P  O  T  E  N  T  I  A  L
        What is it?
       
        Individually created?
        Outwardly Encouraged?
        Fear personal Gain?
        Self-built Courage?
Individually Realized.
Outwardly Expressed.
Fear finally Not Hiding.
Self-built
                 Potential.

Be all that was
               Trapped.
                               Confined to Brain.
Internalized.
                       Suddenly Free.
Take up
              Knowledge.
    DO NOT
                      LOSE FIGHT
Laid to rest too often,
                                     Too Long.
These senses,
           desires,
           passions...
                              Dreamt forever.
Not behind...
                        Only employ different
                                                       ­         Skills.
Absolute Attention.
                                      
Mind
           Functions New
                             Honest,
                             Pure.
Content.


**Nov 22, 2013

Burning hours you do not feel fit to see
                Accomplishing Nothing
Waiting to feel wanted
                                         While the world carries on.
You put yourself there.
                                           Do not be coy
Dance into false reason again.
                    This is True.
Proven time and again.
                 Does the soul not rise once active?
Work through the Burning
                                                Fear.
   ­     They are just as you,
Remember 'The Egg"
               Use Caution.
All are you,
                     parts of you.
Parts manifesting stronger,
                                                 different traits.
         Know who connects,
                                               who does not.
Must inject yourself in places
                                           Where interaction can take place.
           Stop Being Afraid.
                                     Where does the fear surge?
Where is it's destination,
                                             where does the current start?
There is no End Game.
                                  It is simply
                                                       Inhabilitating.


**Sept 16, 2013

I Both Fear for you and Admire you.
                   Where the fear comes from
                               Not Known
Maybe Compassion,
                                  Human Love,
                                                          W­** cares.
                                                          ­   It's there.
You are strong,
                        cognitive,
                      ­                  brilliant,
                                    ­                  And know it.
Only use it to twisted advantage.
                                   If that's all you want,
                                                all you require
                       Then Fine.
I'm not here to Judge,
                                    point fingers,
                                                        ­    Instruct,
                           Control.
Just know that you can be More.
              Achieve the Greatest.
                    Make a Change
Be the strange Disease
                                   that heals instead of kills.
I can see it there,
                            In small,
                                           Subtle ways.
Did you Know you are Beautiful?
Did you Know you are Miraculous?
                   So much there,
                                            So much potential.
                         Just Use It.



**July 23, 2013

So the token was found
It's here and now.
Find comfort in the physical.
Something to hold.
It's real.
The texture, the feel
And I Know it was real.
It was not just a beautiful dream.
It was Beautiful life.
I with the power held was known.
If not for me, then just to know it possible.
That you could have the everlasting
If you believe in it.
If you want it.
I don't know why I am here
Or why our paths seemed to magically cross.
Fate, destiny? "Meant to be"
If we just wait, things will turn out exactly as they are supposed to be.
That's just it.
This giant waiting game with almost nothing to keep me holding on
But here I am.
This grip is strong.
I could not let go even if I wanted.
So I'm 10% waiting.
90% there.


                                                                                                               **July 6, 2013

Be Kind.
Such an easy Task.
         How clouded
            Our Memories
Our Souls.
             Our Hearts
                             Desires.
    
     Be Kind.
               It is Your
Choice.
            
             Each pulse
                           Beats
As Mine,
As Yours.
                  Together.
We are
             Here.
All is
         One.
      
     Be Kind.
So Lost from
                       Us.
    So created.
            Through each Action
and every
          Selfish Inaction.

How did we progress
                     This Far?

Trust Instincts.
              Could this ever
                                      Change?
    
    Hope.



**May 15, 2014

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Some things go wrong
How long must we wait?
        Until we all get along

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Cannot make change without comprehension.
All this misfortune we still create,
        Causing harm, taking lives and misdirecting tension.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
         These false institutions keep the system 'balanced'
Using us all as free pawns and bait,
         Somehow ensuring each breath is silenced.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Take a step forward and scream for losses
Too many to count, all preventable, just the selfish human gait.
        Look around, open eyes wide shut, who are the real bosses?

Flow freely into the minds that hate.
        All this time spent reading, analyzing, just wasted away
Just a creative excuse, all it's done is placate
        Talk about humanity, pleading for 'other', yet in the system they fade today.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        We're not playing with plastic, metal, or things intangible
Each person has life, agency and a Heart Beat to relate.
       Must halt before time runs out, before humanity becomes a true cannibal.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Cannot understand without delving within
Must step up, do anything to motivate
       Do not step back, embrace what is foreign

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Must acknowledge; accept it has existence.
Ignorance is not Fate.
      Just hold on, one more push, all that is needed is constant persistence.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Flow freely into the minds that hate
                Flow freely into the minds that hate.

**Oct 2, 2013

This disparaging
                             Quality of my own
  Innocence.
                    Has been Shrouded,
                              Burned,
Ashes scattered,
                          Nary a Hope of
                                     Return.
  Though Now
                    Mine Eyes
     Detect a Forward
                                 Purpose.
Glimmering
                   Whisper of
Further Life
            Once Not
                              Thought Possible.
           Once, Never a
                                  Consideration.

Each day Burns
              With the
Weary awareness of mine non-actions.
       Still aligning Priorities.

From those Ashes,
            This Being Has Risen.
Is Striking Back.
           Carving Forth.
Turning Words.
              Into Every Lived Desire.



**July 6th-ish 2014

Want the mind to stop
            Because it is though to bring Peace.
                            Yet,
                                   when if does
If Right Now
                     Your brain is actually off.
This form of being possibly more agitating.
              Is there an in-between?
Or Constantly Running
                                       Full Speed Ahead?
If not constantly running
                                     This state you are trying to
                                                  Escape.
Then you are Not
                                You.
Stop Running.
                          Stop Avoiding.
Those small things.
                               That worry you so.
Is your individuality.
Is who You Are
                   Take off that ill fitting
                                                       uniform
Embrace your True folds
                                        and Be Happy.

ALLOW.
           SPEAK UP.
ONLY WITH
                        LOFTY THOUGHT.
REMEMBER,
                    OLD LESSONS?
AS CHILDREN.
               LEARN NEW.
BECOME VENTRILOQUISTS.
                     ORIGINAL?
    SPEAK ONE,
                               ACT ANOTHER.
                   NOT NOTICED...
                                             YET.


**Nov 15, 2013

Heed you Seekers of Solitude.
          Why do you long for distance?
                   Why do you feel you must return?
Each time you lock that door
Things get just a little bit worse,
                     A little bit louder.
There calls a time for action,
            Where things must be Done.
Instead of
                  Constantly Thinking,
                                                        Churning,
                          Boiling,
Then festering in the toxic pool of
                       Idleness.

Hear this heart beat faint
                                        beyond the extra mile?
All these thoughts
                              All these dreams
           Too much to reconcile?
Lost all purpose
                       No more reason to smile
Though told of greatness
               And extra brain fire
I feel no self worth
            And the reasons just pile

Had small moments of bliss
                                      Where worth just a glimmer
A fraction of time
                            Where worth,
In fact
             Did Shimmer.
It was not a focus on others
                                             Did not matter who I was
Do not like what you see
                                     Don't come back, please.

But I find myself wondering
                                            where the change did click in
Because I've felt this before
                                            A fight for no win.


Lost trust in my actions,
                                       my thoughts,
                                             judgement,
                                             morals,
Everything lost when you just cannot see.
            That I'm a real person
                                                Who is able to be.

This time passes slowly,
                                      Especially kept so near,
Treating me special,
                                Except not different at all.

How do you expect to grow,
                                               Go.
When never given a chance
                                  To just say No.

What was once said,
                                   now sounds so logical
I'm trying so hard
                             to not be biological.
but it feels like this path
                                      was already carved out in stone
so do not be shocked,
                                       scared or excited.
You built this path,
                                You should have known.

Try so hard,
                    to walk off this path.
Let me discover...
                          To use the lessons once taught.
One day I'll snap back
                                  Then shock is allowed
Because you won't see this coming
                                 This Strong Person
                                                          ­    This Soul
                        That I Am Becoming.


**July 15, 2013

Even when you're silent I can still hear your rings.
You think you can hide in the corner of a room,
But light shines from you.
                                            You are endless inspiration.
But my mind goes blank,
                                          I can't control it.
But my nerves soar,
                                          I can't control it.
I have trouble swallowing,
                                          I can't control it.
Focus on breathing,
                                          I can't control it.

My head says give up, but my heart just keeps fighting.
                                        Fighting for control.
As much as I desire,
                                maybe a step back is required.
     But my feelings for you?
I'm sorry,
                                         I can't control it.

INCINERATE.
                           To Ashes.
Million bits of Nothing,
                                      Dissolving in the Wind.
Burned
             and Passion carries forward.
This ache and pounding
                               Booming Louder
Must break false chains
                                      That hold lips so tight.
For what purpose lies in sealed lips?
                                 Information Forever Lost
Unless
            Spoken.
Fear no consequences,
                                    What could possibly happen?
Many things will surface,
                                             Nothing left buried
Or hidden...
                      Heart aches,
                                           feels lost,
                      Alone.
That those feelings shown,
                                            Exist
                      Within you,
                                          so Passionate.
Those words...
                         As Eye.
Similarities Grow,
                              To Me...
     See how this Passion Builds?
Thought tear through haze into this
                                                            Aching Belief.
Recognize.
                  See.
                           I cherish it so.
But will let go
                        Learn to let go
                      Because thoughts show
This one thing
                         where 'belief'
is a comfortable word.
             The only thing to describe
That black hole my thoughts lead to
                                               When on you.
Somewhere.
                    Known.
Then the Foolish feelings grow
                   Then your words float back
Two Halves of a Whole...
                 Is 'Marco' not echoing
                                      Loud Enough?
So now these shoulders shrug,
                                                   lip curled;
                                                                    indifferent.
Suddenly confident,
                                   Just want facts known.
Lips will move with steady
                                             Concentration
Trying to communicate
                                           Truly.



August 15, 2013

Alright, so I’m coming home.
But I don’t really know what that is anymore,
And now even the physical appearance isn’t the same.
We’re all home, full house.
How is this going to work? What are we going to do?
Going to a place where my heart is not and cannot be at peace is something that I can no longer handle, and something that I will not force myself to endure again.
So what will happen if this again turns into turmoil?
What if it has not changed?
What if we keep sweeping things under the rug?
I keep tripping over mine.
Stumbling every time I enter, feeling constrained.
So what will I do if nothing has changed?
Where will I go? Where can I go?
There seems to be no other option than to move forward,
Change how we work.
Change.

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight,
Take these words as they are
Know that I am not far.

There are certain things that I will not forget,
That night in the hall, missed moment I do regret.

"Could've kissed her" they said,
And even though it's all you were thinking,
All you wanted inside that single moment.
You did not do it,
No explanation why.

Disturbed you can't remember
                Just a few fleeting seconds
                          Half recalled memories.
Smile to myself when I think it happened,
Kick myself for no existential proof.

Is there a connection?
Was it instant?
Does it matter?
Do you feel it?

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight.
Take these words as they are,
Know that I am not far.

Each time my heart races, and keeping still only a faint idea
Restless body,
Restless mind,
Restless soul.

Put pen to paper and things become real,
But these words of mind you do steal.

Explaining how I feel for you would be no simpler a task
Then describing the taste of water.
                                                   Maybe I like it that way
Something I cannot describe,
Something I cannot put into words.

I accept a humble defeat into your hopefully open arms,
Adding more confusion to the exciting mess I already have trouble making sense of.

Even after the first few times we met,
I saw each new day with a brand new conviction for the beauty they bring.

You've already changed so much, by doing so little.
All I ask is a little time to discover each other.
So;

I wish I may, I wish I might
On this star I see tonight
...Kiss Me.

I'm pretty sure this is over
             Only one fight
All we've ever had.
          No communication
                               Only yelling,
                                                      Co­ntrol
Fight to be heard.
                So you left.
                                   Walked away,
Turned around before all was done.
             What happens now when
                                         No other door seems to be open.
Does this end,
                       Do I take back?
Because you never gave me anything.
                                          I never asked for return.
I will not point fingers,
                                      or try to place blame.
This is simply a situation
                            That I'd rather not be in.
So when you are ready,
                                 Please do come around
I just hope some things are different.
                                     Not too lost to be found.
Yet if you come back,
                            and I feel an attack.
This is it,
               I am done.
                                  No Turning Back.



**July 15, 2013

Why is
             'Good'
So hard
              Fought for?
Fighting,
                Struggling.
To feel at ease,
                         Comfortable.
Easy reaction.
             Instead of Calculated
                         Responses.
None of it has ever been easy.
                      Fumbling,
                                        Stumbling,
                    Mumbling
                                        Around.
Pretending to know all.
                                  Faulty Inflation.
So many things left unsaid
                Not told.
  Seems all things fabricated.
                Easy to distract
                          Complicated Mins.
Should know,
                        be Taught,
                                           Guided
On how to
                  Allow
       Self
               Flourishment.
'Alone'
           is a state
You.
           Decided
To Enter.
                  You.
Were not forced.
                              You.
Eliminated Love,
                    Care,
                    Friendship,
                    Happiness.
                                                                 You.
Have lost control of your
                                           Mind.
It's Essence
                    Has more
                                      Power
Than known to
                           Thy Self.
Do not forget that
                                You.
        Own it.
                      Can Take Back
                                Control.
Simply
             Step Back.
Physically if need be...
                         Remove yourself mentally.
Take a Look.
                        Notice the careful
                                                        Steps.
Change.
                           You.


**Dec 2, 2013

INTERACT*                                                       ­                           CLARITY
                          ­                                        
  
                 Passed This;                                                            ­          Will happen once
                                     There...                                                         ­ Everyone gives in,
        All that is Hate.                                                            ­              and lets go.
                                    Gone.                    ­                                          So many unneeded things.
      Not possible                                                         ­                         Purely Want.
They,                                                      ­                                             Let go of the
           maybe We                                                               ­                  Manufactured Desire.
                Past This?





*June, 25 2013

So much release from this
                              Careful Concentration
Delicate
               Precision.
                       Working towards
It's single
                  Perfection.
Never Avoid.
                        Always Steal the
                                Time.

**Nov 15, 2013

When you watch day turn to night
Suddenly things come to light
Because it is so obvious,
                                       Stunningly so,
The passage of time
                               Marked by the falling Sun.
The Brain starts wandering,
                                             Focusing,
     Running on wild
                        Do not ignore,
                                                replace or Control
Allow Freedom,
                          Be one with your thoughts
Why so busy?
                       Why so surrounded?
             Why so scared to be alone?
Scared of the infinite,
                                   lost in thoughts
                Daunting
   Where will the mind wander?
           Most of all...
Scared of seeing who you Truly are,
                                   Mistakes and missed chances.
But it is all past now.
Nothing more to be done.
So learn from them.
                        
                           LET. IT. GO.
                            EXPLORE.



**July 23, 2013

Control over more than words
                 Just want to be
         Something I'm not
                           But Everything I'm meant to Be.
Too Scared
                   Of?
                          Everything
Must Climb
                                  E.
                      ­         S
                            I
                        R
That unique soul is True.
                     Stop Hiding It.
Such Intimidation
                              Such Lack
           So Lost
Not searching to be
                                 Found.
Who would want to see?
         Brilliance there,
                                   Emotionally shadowed.
Soon light will reflect,
                                    Too dark to break free.
Must stop the creeping darkness
                                       Literally Crawl Through.
How to distinguish 'Right'?
         Wrong is easier to see,
                         easier to give up,
                                                    usually.
­Why is Right so hard?
              Always feel undeserved
          But You are Deserving
             Do not be scared
                  Just Try.


**July 24, 2013

So many Thoughts.
     Put off for so long.
Need to
              Expel
Everything Quickly.
Need to feel
                       Peaceful
and more
                   as Self.
This sort of floating
          Energy
in my chest
      Needs to
Fill these pages.
           How to remember everything?
Attempt.

**Nov 15, 2013

Sometimes when you think it's not enough,
                                             It's more.

These shallow waters run deep
                                           away from eternity.
I cannot hold that long...
            
            Oh please won't you try?
We don't have to go far.
                                       Just till you get scared.
And maybe a few steps more.
                             I'll be by your side
                             To hold if fear there.
Don't worry
                     I won't tell...
This moment
                    Of weakness
                                          Doesn't count
Never seen
Never heard.
                     But I'm still here
                                         A secret garden...

Yet,
        If not tended,
                             mended,
                                            appreciated
 ­                  Eye will over grow
Become too much
                            For both
                                           Just try.
                            For sanity.
                                             Say you've been there
                             For Real.


                                                         ­                                                                                               .                 **June 19, 2013

Love time.
                  Want things
         little left
Lost soul pain
                              Smile new.
Inside
               Fall
                         Maybe home?
Old tears
                Leave thoughts
    Dream true
                               Stop Fear Forever.

Ask me what a True Friend is,
Without knowing it, I was describing you.
Yes you're weird,
                            I'm weird.
       We're weird.
But it's hard to find irritant when emotion backed up so logically.
                               You're a Grounder.
                                No ******* accepted,
                                Sympathy when needed.
                                Sound Advice offered.
                                Always listened,
                                Always supported.
Never noticed.
                       But you're still here,
Astounding no effort required.
It's nice to know someone's always there.
No matter how much time may pass.
     A silent support system
     That can always become loud.


**May 9, 2013

How could you Think,
                           Believe,
                           Dream,
That you do not
                            Matter?
It is
       All
You are made of.
             Reversion of Nature
Causing
               Pluralities
Where none of us are
                                      'Enough'.
             ­                                                               Wh­ere do these stipulations come from?
                                                           ­                 What 'is' Enough?
                                                         ­                   What is Ethnicity?
                                                      ­                      What about the Asian woman with a
                                                               ­                                   Jamaican Accent?
                                                         ­                    Born and Raised.
                                                         ­                        How is she Stereotyped?
                                                    ­                                      Why this need to Classify?
                                                       ­                                                   Sort?
        ­                                                                 ­               De-fine.
                                   STOP.
You.
         Were born.
                              Enough.
Choose what your
                                 Ears are Privy too.
It is Known.
                      Who you Are.
Why Hide?
Why Change?
                          Do Not
                                        Blindly Follow.
Turn Around.
                          Give your
                                              Soul
         ­                           F  L  I  G  H  T.
A beaming
                     Shadow.
            Not soon
                             Forgotten.
Matter is
                    Nothing
Until Observed.
                               Observe Self First.
Decide the Definition of
                                           'You Matter'.
Do not
              Cower.
                            Express...
A­ll have
               Reasons.
You.
          Were Not.
An
       Accident.


**Dec 2, 2013