His fear had voices
for which strategy
answered
so convincingly
that he could
tell himself anything
to justify what he had done
he remembered her saying
I would not take you back
if you cheated
so justification bellowed
like ****** to his army
making her the enemy
and him the conqueror
it was working until
his son asked where she was
because he liked how she
would scratch his back
he tried throwing the
new girl at the boy
expecting him to feel
what was commanded
but truth had
invaded Europe
and fear had holed up
in its bunker
and tried to commit suicide
with its mistress
he blamed the child now
and ordered his feelings
into the gas chamber
but a piece of brain hit
him in the face
and he threw up
what have I done?

I can't tear down these walls on my own
But I can stand up and fight these demons all alone.
I know that what I do isn't right
Yet I forget that in the midst each day's fight.
So call me a poser, call me fake
But I only do it for your own sake.
Before you get too attached
And find out I'm no perfect match.
I'll push you out as far as I can
So you won't see how weak I really am.
Then again maybe all I really need
Is for someone to truly see,
That these involuntary walls
Only take the work of two to fall.
It's just no one has found it worth the time
Or had the desire to call me 'Mine'.

17 years today but it feels like forever more
Yet equally forever less.
Only 30 minutes in and I wish it was over.
Trying to fight tears because I don't deserve what I'm given.
$100 and a guitar may not sound like much to you,
But it means a lot more to me.
And I don't deserve it.
Why should we celebrate,
When those who do so are treated badly half the time?
It's a blessing, not a given right, to continue to age up.
A time for self reflection, not celebration with those who don't give a care the rest of the year.
No need to make a big deal,
It's just another day of the week.
And I'd rather be saying 'I'm sorry' to those who matter
Instead of 'thank you for the birthday wishes' to those who don't.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry
That I can't love someone who's caused me so much pain.
You ask that the bad out weighs the good,
But you really have no idea.
You have no clue as to how many deep seeded problems I have,
How many issues that could have been avoided,
If you could have just picked me.
If you could have seen the life slipping out of your daughter,
The pain every day brought;
It was deep and kept burrowing,
Deeper and deeper.
Into not just my body but my soul.
Now I pay for it with anxiety
With violence
And don't forget the depression.
But it wasn't my fault right?
Not my fault that I can't break these bad habits she burned into me?
The borderline eating disorder
And the inability for any emotional stability.
So they wonder why I can't let people in.
Hell even I questioned it.
But then I realized,
That in those 5 years of hell,
Wanting to take my life at the age of 12,
I stood on my own.
And I fought my battles without help from ANYONE.
So how can I change that now;
Convince myself that things have changed,
That I'm allowed to be weak for a little bit?
I'm going to fight for this,
Until I'm my own person again.
And I will NEVER be like you,
Or her,
I'd sooner take my own life than to witness that result.

i cry out the massed molecules of this  malevolent multiverse
for a cessation of this tortuous existence.

i never want to hurt anyone ever again.

i walk through the field of flowers and leave behind nothing but ashes and arsenic.

i am like a lonely hurricane inside a china shop
i destroy everything i touch
and only wish to be loved.

i have apologized
until sorry is no longer a word
simply a jumble of sounds spilling out of my mouth
with no meaning
and no purpose.

i could say it to you
in every language in this wide world
paenitet
désolé
triste
scusate
and none would be enough.