My third grade teacher called me a word miser,
I suppose not much has changed.
Maybe I’ve just become selective,
or maybe you force words to
stay lodged inside my throat.
But maybe words really don’t say that much.
Because I see more letters in those
forest eyes than all the books I’ve buried myself in,
and your lips could write pages with
all the softness that they hold.
So we live in emptiness together
like we never want to leave.
They will have to drag us out,
if they can find us first.
I know you won’t ever let them find us,
because you grasp time within your fingers
and hold stillness in your bones.
It’s okay if you’re scared.
I’m sure it’s for the same reason I am,
and for the same reason you
place a napkin on your lap when you eat:
you don’t trust yourself.
But that’s okay,
you only need to trust me.

Please just let me fall asleep,
I have already dug my razor
Way too deep.
Please just let me Fall Asleep.

I'm laying here tears in my eyes,
Blood on my sheets.
Please for ***** sake let me
FALL ASLEEP!

Please just let me fall asleep,
I want to stop crying,
Inside I'm ******* dying.
Please, just let me fall asleep.

Please, just let me fall asleep,
With each pass of this razor,
It goes a little deeper,
I just want to make this night end!!!
PLEASE, just let me fall asleep.

Can you handle me on sleepless nights
after midnight when past regrets
turn into future fears?
Will you be able to calm that sea?
Because my teeth feel loose inside my mouth
and some days I worry too much.
Some days my clothes are a tad bit too big
or too small,
and my glasses don’t sit right.
I guess they still keep you in focus.
I wonder what you’d think
if you saw all the thoughts I had.
What if I’m not enough?
You’d think it’d be a question
but some days it just becomes a statement
that I bury underneath fearful eyes.
I guess I forget that it can be answered.
But what if?
What if I’m not enough.

I lied.
  I'm not a truth-oholic
    Because I'm not even that honest.
  I'm just an angry drunk
    Who tells the girl who says "I love you"
      To shut up
    And the boy who says "I want to *******"
      To go away.

And I'm gone
Blinking out of sight
Close to not existing at all
Pressured to a point of stale reminder
I cease
Left with memories
Oh of how i used to be
Lightening quick and thunder loud
I'm out of  mind
Decimated
Tortured
To proud to shout
Whispers fading to silence

again
and
again

I was a Paramedic
I saved lives
Prolonged great inevitable grief
Witnessed the grotesque miracle of unexpected birth
And the ****** it brings
Sat on my *** became complacent
And depressed
Forgot to put into what was being taken from me
Over and over
I worked and came home to silence and destitude
I craved the excitement like a ******* would payday
I worked with the greatest personalities people that wouldn't back down
I had no gun
No hero complex
I used to be a Paramedic