Why you always writing depressed ****
Why don't you quit
No one wants to listen to it
Why don't you take a hit
*
Let me tell you a little story
Mind your own business and don't worry
I'm going through ****
Talking and posting to poetry is my only outlet
I am a survivor
A strong fighter
Yeah I get the disappointment
I'm disappointed too
Had to go on a appointment
Feel like I won't mentally pull through
I'm fine though
I checked out ready to go
I'm paying karma back
Check please! I'm get back on track
(Eventually)
Don't push me
My motives aren't as bright as they use to be
Try watching the people you live disappear
Try watching your family separate further every year
Try doing **** alone
Better yet
Tell me about a ****** up addiction
If you ever had one
Whats the definition of perfection
******* critical geeks bet you don't know what its like to backout
Nor what it's like to **** near overdose
Or even ******* nearly die
Maybe support and not judge
I admit I'm guilty of holding a grudge
You know what it bothers me when people criticize me
Hurts lots but **** it karma wins with a check of reality
Don't push bet you candle the recoil
I learned the hard way how to be loyal
I'm also a better writer
Expectations higher
I've got a desire
I'm a hit up the fire
Burn all the ******* judgements

Someone found me, I can't wait to be of company. Without a conversation I'm already feeling a bit lonely. Finders keepers, she didn't need to say that. But her heart did. The way she looks at me brought me to safety. I think I'm no longer the hide and seek champion. But hopefully wish to express how happy I've been found.

I've been drinking, blacked out again. Next day later I had to decide how much ties I've lost. **** what happened forgot.
Don't criticize me, the people i loved left me. Especially when comes to me being at my worse. I'm amazed cupcake forgives me and wanta to see me at my best. Along with my roommates, **** I got that. By I'm a step back. Would like to continue solo, I don't trust a soul. Last person i trusted woth my life gave up on me. Wow, I need something to swallow. Wanna eat, pass a drink. Benzodiazepines and SSRI's at the ready. Going to lose myself again to test my boundaries.
Nah **** that, stay clean again. These ******* don't deserve you but don't allow that judgment pry you open.
Hmmmmm
Who still actually has time to give a ****?
I just want to disappear into nothing
Want to burry myself with my issues
Nobody has a clue

I just listened to all of your messages on my phone, still some how comforting but I'm on edge and I felt so alone. We both had a great adventure, you and I kept each other safer. But a storm struck and put you at danger. I'm at a lost of words, **** really hurts. With the words I could of said, they're now trapped in my head. Too the moon and back baby, been missing you a **** ton lately. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I'd still repair myself and hope I can put it back together. I miss sending you letters. Darling you deserved better. I came accross old pictures I forgot about. Laughed out loud, cried silently. Now my storms full of panic attacks swarming my chest with anxiety. Hello darling I miss you so much, a voicemail to get me through for a moment. You're quotes "I love you"
Got me through after a moment of hyperventilation. I wish to squeeze you and hold you for life. How do I accept reality because this **** isn't right. Cupcake I love you and I'll be sure to take it easy tonight.

Last night i was laying in bed with tears running down my face
Locked myself down in this dark place
Sorry mama I miss you
Never meant to hurt you
So i texted my mom out of the blue
She asked if i was okay
I lied and yeah I had a fantastic day
Pretending I'm mentally safe
But nah man
I am not alright
Had night tares the other night
Didn't crash till 5 AM in the morning
Kitty nap
I wish this feeling wasn't overwhelming
No one can help thats the issue
Spazzing the **** out i want to cut through my scar tissue
Buried deep into a insecure level
Buried more issues grab me a shovel
Heres a response
ALCOHOL
I'm bout crawl
Let the ******* TEARS FALL
NOBODY LOVES ME
but yet they do
NO ONE GETS THE INSECURITY
but they have their own
I'M JUST ABOUT DONE
WHERES MY ROOMATES ***
but I've got a bottle of jack
Hitting my thoughts like i don't know how to react
I've been hiding in my own thoughts again
Losing confidence and that motivation
Who needs to improve when you're classified as a liar
Whos needs to improve when you're classified as a cheater or a beater or a addict
But to be honest I'm more of a alcoholic
Hold up
Wait a sec
Hey Nel
You're a ******* for beating
Now you're sad and all of the sudden not succeeding
the ****
Man up and handle your ****
Just ******* quit
Don't nobody wanna stick around with you
Look at the petty **** you put yourself through
Yeah you ugly
Bet your *** will burn and maybe you'll be pretty
You can cut and hopefully that deep vein
Will put your *** back to a level of sanity
Remember when mama slapped and punched you?
That was funny because you don't know what she went trhough
You got what you deserved
Now your *** will burn
Hopefully you'll one day learn

Chain smoking
Laughs because we're joking
Cans and bottles on that tailgate
Singing songs we know to keep the night awake
Blowing smoke
Making a joke
But deep down we're avoiding reality
Moments like these make me happy
I've got marb reds
Avoiding the thoughts that run through my head
Leaving others on read
Time for a great memory
Blowing smoke with a drink to keep me happy
Not a alcoholic
Just trying to avoid the toxic
Blowing smoke about to walk by the fire
Just wanted to sing s'more

I'm a monster stalking my victims
I received a lot of criticism
This monster love to feed off of adrenaline
It's like fighting a brick wall
Nothing strikes back but you're only hurting yourself
"Tornado meets a valcano"
Well I'm a be fighting the flames while I go in circles
Deteriorate in lava
This monster use to be a liar
Man my now my pants got me fired
This monster would beg and plead
Then catches himself numbed up and made victims bleed
I guess he won't succeed
Just no approval
He was the only one at his funeral
Talk about a killshot
Got hit by a rock
I guess it's gonna be a pillshot
Bam dead
No proper roses beceuse bloods red
I can talk about my past like it was yesterday
But i need to walk forward but i keep fallin in to deep
Need a new shovel it's harder to breathe
I'm always that monster
Please don't cut me off when I'm trying to speak

You think I'm a stalking creep?
Do you even know me?
On top of all of this you posted anonymously
That's low key funny
Sounds to me you're focused on some flaws
Bet you don't know me at all
Why not confront me?
Why anonymously?
Two faced little ****,
People should quit
I don't have haters, I've got fans.
These fans are big on my flaws, especially when they think they know me
Bet they had it easy
I shouldn't assume, but apparently that's what petty people do
A bunch of followers but no one leading
I'm doing it on my own and succeeding
I should warn you, I'm the one supporting worlds and working **** through
I know for a fact I'm atleast loud do to my actions

I still love you
I forgive you
No ammends
I'm always at work "fine"
All because I choose to pretend
Wish to hold you in silence
For the past few days when i napped i dreamt i was home with you baby
Miss us so much I'm going a little crazy
Remember our routine?
I do, I even remember the way you smile when you kissed me
Darling i know we're not okay
But I'm still here for you idc what time its or how late it is don't be afraid to call or come home

A good morning have a great day
That on repeat with no voice that's fake
Beautiful mist
Earth rotates with a kiss
A stay in kind of a sweat day
I hope you reach a wonderful wave
With a have good one

Darling come home
I’ve got the sweets for you my dear
Wish I can hold you till it’s all clear
Need you as my love hopefully my wife
I’ll do everything to make you feel alright
Darling come home I’ve got a sweet tooth
Eat up some junk food
Watch all of our movies and put on you favorite happy tunes
Go out to eat to watch some YouTube
You’re my everything baby boo

Stress relief?
What's that?
Where do I purchase that?
How much?
How long?
Taxes?

Hoping your choices haunted you
Along with cupid that taunted you
How are you going to fight for my attention?
Then just leave?
Once upon a broken heart lead by cupid
Struck by a arrow that made my guts seem so stupid
The youngest God of all time gave hope to those in need
All with a dash of a happy heart beat
Now a arrow struck for dark punishment
A failed heartless commitment
Haunted romance
Cupid with a beautiful voice made queen rejoice a dance
Little did anyone know we watch our love deteriorate as we feel so empty
The numb of nothing brought a cruel love affairs of destruction
Tell me who fell off but still kissed some lips softly?
Reply to agonizing comments with compliments in hopes of repair
Now a bottle in despair  
Now I felt pain and I felt so ugly
But can't help to still reach out to repair the arrows wounds like I'm a medic
What a pandemic
Here's the keys to my trust I guess anyone can have it
Cupid conquered what I wish to have but I can't demand it
I beg and plead
With cold hearts making me freeze
I really hope you get what I feel I deserve
As you're walking around happy and I'm the only one hurt
I better put this broken heart for auction
A poetic broken heart
On a shelve collecting dust like a piece of art
Who can really understand how that feels?

I'm getting myself figured out
(Hopefully)
Mentally bleeding out
(Save me)
I won't ask for help
(Unfortunately)
Where do i go from here?
Where do i start?
Hung up
Time to lets feeling air out
Ready to scream
Already got doubt
She should be mine
But now i guess im widow shopping

You think ghosting me Would be conflicting?
But in reality
This makes me happy
I've got a best friend
Atleast they're real and see it through the end
I'm a bit of a one man army
I refuse to seek help but I'll help others when they can call me
You don't need to provoke me
I've got the memo but I thought you were ranting jokingly
Both sides tough so I stay on the fence
For my own defense
Not all about seeking vengeance
But I love to do my own thing
Sit alone at a park chilling on a swing
Probably the best therapy
I'll love those who want to see the best in me

I've tried to diet, my belly can't hide it. Low key despised it. I would like my motivation back. Bring happier me back. Drinking to avoid a comeback. All I can eat, but I can't hardly see my feet. Not even the slightest peek. Just another drink. I'll just fight another insecurity. That a new part of me. In fact, my doubts became a part of the family. Sharing a room with depression. Anxiety attacks for my counseling session. All I can think about is some medicine. Shots with a fresh bottle and my minds open. A handful dose. Pill me drinks with no jokes. I'll do a **** it diet, blood shot again with no way to hide it. Mentally laughing out loud. Trapped in my head with no safer way out. No such thing of a happier side of me. Is this a demand from Anxiety? I'm downing this dose until I feel empty. Just a pill another shot till I feel hollow, over dose and pray for a hangover tomorrow. Then grab me a blade to borrow. Then for once this belly will be truly empty. Don't try to baby me. I don't need sympathy. **** a diet, I've tried it, let's just wear baggy clothes to hide it. Doesn't help I'm a ghost to dating. Confidence fading, a bunch of ******* body shaming. Then I feel like I'm crushing my lungs to puke it up. All this empty puke had me feeling so rough. Every ounce counts I swear I'm tough. Tears forming, but a fresh bottle with pills pouring. Now losing this weight off my chest isn't so boring. A pill shot, had my gut rot, but my security was left without a thought. Just the bottled emotion  I bought. At this point I'll full send like this dose would go out of stock.  I've tried to diet, over weight and can't hide it. I guess it's a failed attempt but I'll still try it. Really despised it. I'm just lonely. That last meal controlled me. Sometimes I treat it like it's my only. Don't hold that against me. Anxiety attacks for a counseling session. Sharing my room with depression. My weight the center of attention. Doubts joined the family. That insecurity took control of me.That's my belly I can't hide it. No judgments as my diet. How about you try it!

Confidence ruined
Success abandon
Thrills drowning
Second thoughts happening
As the far cry goes
I'm hitting every nerves i throw
I know I am not really okay
But I'm a be fine
Just as long as I stay clean I'll be more then alright
The pain is real for a reason
What a timing especially woth a kick start to a new seaon
He's my motive
He is gonna be 5 this year
And my youngest sis needs me
In fact I'm well needed
Forgot about the times i bleeded
Mission after mission when will it all be over
It's like I'm chasing a single clover
Hell I'll pack up a wish
And hope to go the distance
Something hopefully simpler than this

I love and miss you a lot,
Buried you and my father together in a spot
I couldn't help to cry I even fought
Hurts to let you go too
You were leaving too I had no clue
I'm home safe now, with you were doing the same.
But I followed your last request and brought dad home

You ever event a new poem with no title?
You ever destroy papers of writing because there's no title?
I've been writing and rewriting just to find a title.
Been a long process and been so confused with my own creation.
What a wonderful situation.

I kissed a broken smile.
A beautiful smile, night got too wild.
The best New years kiss!
Please get home safely, I'll always cherish a night like this.
Your beauty was A perfect distraction,
I'm sincerely sorry about the broken heart that brought you destruction.
But it all wasn't for nothing, your kiss sparked something.
I guess that's why they call it in shock 😲
I heard my kiss never haunted you, in fact it enlightened you.
I've never been so flattered!
I've been randomly replaying that night as your lips hugged mine softly. I'm happy I you got home <safely!3
Once upon a two broken smiles brought each other the light to the two destructive worlds.

Wake up with a drink
Breakfast with a drink
Shotgunned another drink
My daily logger
This is America so don't bother
I'm in the field ready for deer meat
Got my drink
Hitting up the trail all year
About ready to grab a cold beer
We wear orange and have our trucks
We don't mess around
I've got my logger
I've got my truck but before I stay out for hours I'm a shoot a double shooter

Feeling like I'm in for a rude surprise.
Disturbed with changes it doesn't feel right.
I'm afraid of the outcome.
Questions form in my head.
Will this be the best?
What if it hurts?
This is just the worst.
Can I stay safe forever?
I don't really know what to do, nor how to feel.
It took a life time to feel comfortable with where I'm at;
but changes demand me to change all of that.
Never have I ever been so distraught in my life.
A new chapter redirecting me and it doesn't feel right.

The toxic touch of her lips
A taste of poison from a kiss
I put a flyer everywhere because I feel so lost
Where do I begin the search?
Toxic love everywhere
Broken hearts come out of thin air
Lost sleep, lost the weight.
Happens from a severe heart break
Now I don't even know which path to take
Went from special to betrayel
Who'd a thought that the people you adore
Would grow quick to not love me anymore
Throwing my knuckles through these walls
Tears formed I crash and crawl
Stories told
Rumors solid as gold
Truth burns and feelings form to ash
I'd a done just about anything to get happiness right back
Her lips, toxic kiss
Need a safer place better than this

My love for you can go from intimacy all the way to expressing everything verbally. If your attention found my direction I'd hold you closer. I want us to love each other, I would love to watch us grow older. With you I feel sager.
I don't think you understand how you mean to me. I believe I owe you my heart. I believe you deserve my attendance.
But darling you need to realize things will be okay. You don't have to hide away from me, you don't have to ignore me. My love maybe a mountain, but together we can climb. We can take a hike. Guess what.......?
The adventure has its mystery but....
Wouldn't the view be beautiful?
I think it'd be.
I have a trillion love and miss yous piled up ready to head towards you.
You're my hat to block the sun or the rain.
You're my blanket to keep me warm.
When am I gonna be your Bel to fight off the pain?
I don't believe you know how much I adore you in every sense of the way.

My key to my heart can be duplicated here is your copy. This heart is your home too you should always be welcomed. The porch light will be on to ensure you can get somewhere safely on your darkest of days. Hopefully you can be enlightened by my attempts to ensure your safety. Here's my hand don't be afraid to take it or hold it when you're fading mentally. Stay as long as you need to, the porch light guide you. Lock the door behind you, I'll welcome you with a hug. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that you are loved.

Not sleeping okay
Not eating today
Been a struggle day
Refuse to stay
Not going to have anything to say
I'm fine when I'm not

A moment to own.
But a moment to let go.
Vulnerability like a disease.
But I've got to put my soul at ease.
How do you erase a feeling?
How do you delete a chapter in your life?
Too late not possible.
You can make edits, you can put in corrections. But you can not delete. Letting go is a huge roll before your next chapter. Being toxic is curable, you've just gotta stop being vulnerable.
"Will you re-read your chapter?
Are going to move on to the next? "
Shhhhh
I'm moving on to the next page.

I need some space.
Take me to a beautiful place.
Sit alone in silence.
Let the sound if nothing mute me.

I'm a climb a tree
Start form the bottom
Reconizing the hard work before I get to the top
But because I'm one top doesn't mean I've made it
Have to reconize failure is a motivator
I'm watch the sunset in Hope's to see the stars later

It's cold outside so I'm chillin
All the sudden I'm a villan
Times killin
Thanks for false hope
Now I gotta find a new way to cope.
She said I was everything
Am I though?
I got no good looks
I'm always writing in these books
I'm loyal and ready for commitment
But these ******* like me for their only fans because its business
Love is not going out of stock
You're all just waiting for something hot
But I'm on the search for something real
Settle down is a way better way to deal
***** everyone who doesn't like me
I'm just trying to commit and be happy

You want to run away, I want to save your day. He hurt you and you've lost trust, this boys a bust.  Come home I will keep you safe, take you here we'll get a place. Helping each other mentally, working on it financially. I'll be your family! You're home sick because the depression cloud is contagious. Being with his toxic *** is dangerous. We can get a place together, I'll help you get better. You don't need a boyfriend, I'll be your one and only best friend. Friends don't lie, I can't wait for you to tell him good bye. Saw you smile for the first time and that was a blessing. Then you went home to a fight I wished he got the message. You need to come home, **** that ***** for ******* around on your phone. "I need you here with me"
I will be sure you'll stay happy.
Like home you'll be with me like Sam and Dean. We'll fight the world till our lives are clean. We both will enjoy life together. Plus my family will watch over you better. We can even write my grandma a letter. Like home why don't you come back, let that ******* lose everything he never once had.

I shall get uo everyday,
Stay out till late.
No matter how hot or how cold I am,
I'll refuse to give up.
I've got to bring dinner to the table.
It's peaceful out, I've got to stay silent for a very long time.
Even my thoughts feel to noisy.
But I've got to bring meat home.
Have to share with my family.
To the table I'd like to bring all natural lean venison

Love was a joke, especially when you're fighting to avoid being broke. Like my heart, use that in the last sentence. Always on mental maintenance. The smile I use to have illuminated my world. Now it's me alone in the darkness but no one can have my soul.  Marshall taught me love is just a word, you bring the definition. But never wanted all that attention. Wanted to be at peace, anxiety always took over me. Love got me too broke, ask my heart because life got cold. Living in below temperature with out a coat.
Tell me I was never worth ****. But was requested to work for it. Always stayed late, too much to complicate. All that overtime for this ******* heart break. Now tell me I'm ugly, tears formed for nothing. All I wanted was someone to just hug me. Always lonely, ask my thoughts what they think of me. I began to be sober but then doubts hand to enter. Then I lost my temper. But I refuse to go back on pills! No matter how much all this kills. I'd bite my tongue, slit the wrist to let the blood run. Now ask me if I'm happy! I'll smile with a fake celebration and beging clapping. All because I was a ******* joke. I fought to avoid being broke. But my hearts indebt and depression threw me the the negatives. It was so cold I froze. With all that failure I still avoided begging and pleading. Asking for help is not me I'd rather suffer and begin bleeding. But I'm good I ain't about to drop my burden on someone who don't care to see me succeeding. Especially with others who refuse to simply check on me. Talk about a joke.

If I could just pick a time period....
I wouldn't!
I'd just worry about me and the now
Sometimes life has me down
But I dust it off rising up like I'm shooting for a crown
Take a cheers by myself
The benefit if failure has me more aware of my mental health

Tossing and turning in a dim lit room.
I'm cold, I'm warm, I'm sweating, I'm shivering. **** indecisive restless body. Tell me to go to sleep most of the day to stay awake all night. Mood enlightened but then loneliness kills that vibe. I'm up again most nights. Headphones in again, sleep is something I'm hoping for. I can't tell sometimes if I'm a be alright. But awake again as the sun rises. Chain smoking when I'm tired of being awake. But awake when I'm tired. Back to a daydreaming world. I'm as happy as can be as reality storms. What am I actually awake for? Exhausten comes in many forms.

Don't know what to do
Felt like my heart was pumping glass shreds into my veins
Never had a clue
I'll still wait for you

My actions weren't the greatest
But here's my story
I messed up the love of my life
Here i am trying to make it alright
I'm still losing the fight
I'm tempted to paint it all black
Got this heart ache and a deep fear of not getting her back
I'll still wait
What's the worse thaf can happen?
Time's already drowning me with thoughts and fear
Rejection already skins my confidence alive
Questioning my past already burns
On serious level whats the worst that can happen now?
This wait is teaching me how to survive, haven't you know I'm a survivor?

I need someone really close
I'm feeling alone
Can somebody please hold me
I can't shake this feeling
Let my anxiety feed
Hopefully I'll be pain free
I need something to hold me off
I'm about to break wheres the lock
I miss being happy
I remember it like it was yesterday
Back when I felt safe

I'm really fatigue
Body is far too weak
The loss of consciousness and had nothing to eat
The weakness through my chest
The pain traveling up into my head
All I can hear is the I.V and my stomach
Time dragging me out of my covers
Cold sweats and nausea taking over me
Drenched in sweat apparently
All I wanted was to sleep
Lost motivation to eat
How do I compete?
I'm still really fatigue
Now I've got multiple fluids on my I.V
I'm watching the clock and forever is couting

Living in depression
Built up from constant destruction
But working my *** off for nothin
Always empty
Always lonely
**** this feeling
I miss the happy me

With the boys at work, just enjoying ourselves while we put in our two cents worth.
I've got a hollar back, they put me on track. With us it'll be like that. Busted a crackpot to roast each other. A proud homie a good brother.
We laugh to tears, got jokes for years.
Thank homies for patching my back, for you I'll work with some slack

I've been making some wishes.  Conversations and messaged some kisses. Under these lights I see her and I. Snuggles? May I call? Sometimes I try to hard to find comfort, but I've got eyes for one source. Tired of not being able to sleep, exhausting when I do pass out. What a crazy feeling. Okay naps here and there are a success now let's discuss my eating. Depression is starving and feeding. I've been making some wishes and it starts off with a place i miss. Feeling home sick. They say it's best to let go, they say it's time to let yourself grow. My efforts in choices haven't been the greatest. Especially losing her seems like my brain shuts off track. **** man why don't we get back. I'm a keep digging and hopefully burry the issues. Maybe if I dig enough I'll soon be able crawl myself out. I've got some wishes and all I feel is hope. Grab me a snare to hang this **** on a rope. I use to be the type to lie because I understood what it was like to be betrayed.  Didn't want to ruin moments of happiness but time was determined to learn me because reality don't care if I'm afraid.
I should've tried, avoid the lie, clean up my mental health and cry. I've got some wishes to hopefully prove myself I can make it. Heart's in pieces because I'm the one to break it.

I'm sitting on top of a tree watching **** scrambling beneath me.
Feel the need to feel the wind rock me to sleep.
I should get a good comfortable bearable seat.
But until then I shall speak in silence and hope nature understands me.