Depression & attention both have one thing in common, but always have a different direction.
One can be sudden, one can be annoying, hell one can ruin your choice in affection with ones you love.
Either attention craves you as you lay in bed paralyzed or you're pleading for love as everyone's screens captures they're soul.
A cry for help with no actions or words are being heard.
I once loved so ******* much it was impossible to trust & important for me to set healthy relationships with boundaries & communication was awesome. Attention was filled to the brim & depression wasn't over flowing. Now I'm depressed & have no attention. Well at least the attention I crave. I'm falling in love with strangers, I'm over loving people who take me for granted. I can't stop loving as if the DAM you gave me collapsed & now I'm over flowing with false hope. I guess the difference between **** you and dam me have a cause & affect. The difference is.... I **** myself for opening up to you.

One more chance after another
There's no way I'm a bother
Not a glance of each other
Heart open
But broken
Feelings spoken
False hoping
Feels like I just went through this
Always ended with a blank kiss
Life dimmer
A fallen angel because I'm a sinner
Just a beginner
Never found my winner
A bottle for some sleep
A case to get motivation to eat
Now some shots to feel at ease
Can't get out of my head I need peace
I've tried a diet
Insecurity has no refunds and I keep buying it

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

I've been thinking you my darling
How is everything going?
You okay? You sleeping just fine?
How's your iron level?
Remember your med?
I was working outside and watch the sun go down. Felt like I was gazing into your eyes.
The set was perfect, and thus is the weekend I don't have to work it.
You're smile is on replay, your beauty has me strapped down.
Darling how are you? I'm thinking of you

I was always the kid no one would have patience with
Always the one done with a wish
Simply apparently not read for "this"
Okay, bet I handle things better
Might as well put your thoughts through a shredder

With the boys at work, just enjoying ourselves while we put in our two cents worth.
I've got a hollar back, they put me on track. With us it'll be like that. Busted a crackpot to roast each other. A proud homie a good brother.
We laugh to tears, got jokes for years.
Thank homies for patching my back, for you I'll work with some slack

Wake up with a drink
Breakfast with a drink
Shotgunned another drink
My daily logger
This is America so don't bother
I'm in the field ready for deer meat
Got my drink
Hitting up the trail all year
About ready to grab a cold beer
We wear orange and have our trucks
We don't mess around
I've got my logger
I've got my truck but before I stay out for hours I'm a shoot a double shooter

Waking up for my first job and still half woke. Survived first shift to barely make it to the second shift, all that work to still be broke. A handful of bills in my wallet. But these dead presidents keep my credit score haunted. I remember when things were fairly easy. Never mind no I don't, I've been working full time since high-school. Never was once was able to see my own IQ. The difference between dayshift and late shift is that I'm able to nap to prepare for the cycle again. Chasing dreams from head but it's going to cost overtime to make that happen. I've got to stay on my feet, work late for 3 extra hours to enjoy my lunch breaks just to eat. I've got no where special to be, I'm just trying to succeed. Hardly ever want any company. By my lonesome is comforting. A day to myself is more than a treat. But that's I day I hope to see. By then that'll be plenty!

I've never been perfect.
Never wanted that pressure.
I've always been the first responder.
But I'd be begging and pleading,
Searching for a station on the radio that never existed,
Along with no comforting sounds receiving.
I've been talking to walls and forget what they've said.
Knuckles defending my insecurities as they bled.
I'm reaching out to be left on read.

On her first page,
Her story skipped to his suspense.
Where did the sins come from?
I don't think this is how love begins.
I'm not all that basic, but a chapter taught me all I needed to know.
Give me a smile full of commitment.
Allow my desires to be half innocence.
Take me to a different place, somewhere to allow my securities to feel safe.
But I believe my story was too scary for hers.
Her tears formed and drowned me under.
Even the darkest moments can be just as beautiful as the lights she brought me.
Her cover of her personality was so beautiful and she never judged mine by my cover.
Sometimes the perfect match burns not just the Bridges, but can also burn a place where you call home.

I've been feeling so alone, I've been replaying her story to fill in the empty spaces. I'd bring her home, then take her out to a few places. I will replay her story to see her smile. I'm daydreaming of her again. I know I shouldn't, but I'll leave my doors open. She can call, she can show up, she can have my attention, hell she could possibly have it all. All I want is the be the cause of her smile.

As I thought my heart broke,
Turned out to be blooming.
A rinse from my eyes,
A wild flower growing.
I've got mistakes and I've got success taking its path on the fields of petals.
A wild flower is what I find my soul to be.

What would of happened?
How much would og changed?
What's going on next?
I'm just classified nothing more but a ex.

Everything I'm struggling
But ain't we all?
Here let me tell you about myself...
I'm Nelson Antone Hall Jr.
But you can call me Nel or Nellie.
I'm something not people can understand at times.
I've been abusive and I've lied and cheated my way.
I'm just trying to clean up because of my messed up past.
Guess who changed for that to hit me back.
Sometimes I beg and plead
Then I isolate to go cry and grab a blade to bleed
Look i know I'll be fine "it'll pass"
"You're strong"
Well i am weak
I'm **** near dead inside
Pills don't work
Ranting to a professional don't work
I'm like paralyzed for what it's worth
Hello karma pleasure to meet you
You going to help me follow through?
Suicidal or success
Lets just start of with a couple of regrets
How many times will it take
Am i going to break?
How long before I heal?
This pains just to real.
I'll type and write with tears rolling out of my eyes
I'm a learn
I'm a put a fire towards me to burn
No place to ****** hide
Just lit it up inside
But its okay now
I'm a joke now
Been nothing but a lesson
When will I learn
What about me
Theres just lack of care and somethings not right or comforting
But I'm a ****** walk this world with flames in my hands
**** the haters that step to me
Throw hands at me and let me fall
Because I refuse to be myself

Chain smoking
Laughs because we're joking
Cans and bottles on that tailgate
Singing songs we know to keep the night awake
Blowing smoke
Making a joke
But deep down we're avoiding reality
Moments like these make me happy
I've got marb reds
Avoiding the thoughts that run through my head
Leaving others on read
Time for a great memory
Blowing smoke with a drink to keep me happy
Not a alcoholic
Just trying to avoid the toxic
Blowing smoke about to walk by the fire
Just wanted to sing s'more

A moment to own.
But a moment to let go.
Vulnerability like a disease.
But I've got to put my soul at ease.
How do you erase a feeling?
How do you delete a chapter in your life?
Too late not possible.
You can make edits, you can put in corrections. But you can not delete. Letting go is a huge roll before your next chapter. Being toxic is curable, you've just gotta stop being vulnerable.
"Will you re-read your chapter?
Are going to move on to the next? "
Shhhhh
I'm moving on to the next page.

A mixture of laughs and music hit this town with a perfect volume. I feel the happiness that's meant to be loud.
Lots of smiles in this crowd.
Kids horse playing and families so proud.
I don't want this moment to end, I'm enjoying me a few beers watching rejoice come in.
I love a small town get together
Plenty of food and plenty of family friends to be with.

I don't I can ever compete.
A trillion thought hite at once.
Can't write, can't think, can't eat nor sleep.
Just some dark poetry.
A little bit of Breaking Benjamin to get me through my anxiety attacks.
***** they come in waves. I forget to journal and forget to write words.
For better possibly for the worse.
I can't forgive anyone but myself for the ones who had my hurt.
Jokes on you I can't write to express myself tonight, that's all you'll be able to read from my poetry.

What a year, what a mess. Ready for a change, hopefully it'll be a success.
Been lying and be cheatimg. Been betrayed and have betrayed.
But then saw how fast I was replaced. **** the suicidal thoughts screamin at me. I'm a be in control but it won't stop my insecurity. I love how I'm always going to be the bad man. I love how I'm always the clingy man.
But you k ow none of that matters because hope is lost.
What a loss cause.
**** the agaony, **** the betrayal, and **** the way I use to be. I've got to get better. **** I forgot to write my grandma a letter. It's amazing that I'm no longer a priority I'm a stranger. Been replaced quick and I put my feelings to danger.

I've never seen myself a handsome man.
Handsome like the guys who always have the right look, the right smile, the right people in their life, filled with confidence with no insecurities drowning them. A man who has the perfect world between love and desires. But at peace with his respects. I see myself no different than a shadow or just that empty man in the background like a background noise but with no sound.
(If that makes sense)
I'm no stud...
But I accept myself.
My smile may not be pure as gold.
My world may be dark and gloomy.
But my loyalty has grown truthfully
My mistakes taught me how to survive all the storms before the handsome ones took the light and rainbows.
I'm no handsome man.
But I'm a good man

I've always tried to do it myself first. Even when I fell and **** hit me where it hurt. But you answered my call when it got worse. Picked me up and dusted off the dirt. Showed me how to fix and repair. Was the only one who can fix **** from out of no where. Now I'm fighting my tears away from others in silence. It was you who fixed my broken heart, it was you who welcomed me home. Kept from from falling back, kept me on track. A cheer from the sidelines, now I'm performing glancing in the stands to see nothing. Now both of you are gone. My most mother and father figures are gone. I didn't expect to be so hurt, this will hardly ever work. This is beyond the worse. I can't handle to see anyone. I can barely eat, I'm exhausted to sleep. Dehydrated but I still drink. Numb for only a moment. Give me a blade and the pain won't even phase me. I'm ******* lonely.

You're insecure
I understand
You're angry
I relate
You're controlling
Don't you dare
F YOU for saying some ****
You're lucky you've been blocked before I destroyed your security
Don't you ******* tell me to **** myself again
I'm already alone
F you I've FaceTimed you for hours, I've dealt with your lame *** attention seeking conversations and poor me pity parties.
Now you can F up your trust with others because you've lost mine.
You don't deserve my time

Paranoid
Strongly annoyed
Anxiety increases
Heart shattered into pieces
Waiting on a response feels like a thousand years
All I feel on my body are thse tears
Why must the love break me again
Might as well leave my chest open

Started off in a shut down mode. Realized stopping is impossible. Depression and having it the worst isn't a contest, consumes one and why try to achieve that conquest?Why not help one another before they put themselves to a deep rest?

I've tried to diet, my belly can't hide it. Low key despised it. I would like my motivation back. Bring happier me back. Drinking to avoid a comeback. All I can eat, but I can't hardly see my feet. Not even the slightest peek. Just another drink. I'll just fight another insecurity. That a new part of me. In fact, my doubts became a part of the family. Sharing a room with depression. Anxiety attacks for my counseling session. All I can think about is some medicine. Shots with a fresh bottle and my minds open. A handful dose. Pill me drinks with no jokes. I'll do a **** it diet, blood shot again with no way to hide it. Mentally laughing out loud. Trapped in my head with no safer way out. No such thing of a happier side of me. Is this a demand from Anxiety? I'm downing this dose until I feel empty. Just a pill another shot till I feel hollow, over dose and pray for a hangover tomorrow. Then grab me a blade to borrow. Then for once this belly will be truly empty. Don't try to baby me. I don't need sympathy. **** a diet, I've tried it, let's just wear baggy clothes to hide it. Doesn't help I'm a ghost to dating. Confidence fading, a bunch of ******* body shaming. Then I feel like I'm crushing my lungs to puke it up. All this empty puke had me feeling so rough. Every ounce counts I swear I'm tough. Tears forming, but a fresh bottle with pills pouring. Now losing this weight off my chest isn't so boring. A pill shot, had my gut rot, but my security was left without a thought. Just the bottled emotion  I bought. At this point I'll full send like this dose would go out of stock.  I've tried to diet, over weight and can't hide it. I guess it's a failed attempt but I'll still try it. Really despised it. I'm just lonely. That last meal controlled me. Sometimes I treat it like it's my only. Don't hold that against me. Anxiety attacks for a counseling session. Sharing my room with depression. My weight the center of attention. Doubts joined the family. That insecurity took control of me.That's my belly I can't hide it. No judgments as my diet. How about you try it!

I'm just so anxious
Not as if I'm sporadic
But I'm in between depression and anxiety
Then filled with regret and guilt
Destroyed what I built
Talking to anxiety again
Wrote depression a note
Haven't heard back yet maybe I beed to just go
Why does this happen when i need someone the most
I guess I just must be a ghost

Am I that toxic?
Began to feel neurotic.
Have not been the same, I'm the one too blame.
Years pass and I'm going insane.
Date attempts, but I get ghosted.
Rumors spread fast and I'm getting roasted.
I heard this and that, but none of you know me like that.
I'm pretty simple and chill, but I'm not cold.

Hoping your choices haunted you
Along with cupid that taunted you
How are you going to fight for my attention?
Then just leave?
Once upon a broken heart lead by cupid
Struck by a arrow that made my guts seem so stupid
The youngest God of all time gave hope to those in need
All with a dash of a happy heart beat
Now a arrow struck for dark punishment
A failed heartless commitment
Haunted romance
Cupid with a beautiful voice made queen rejoice a dance
Little did anyone know we watch our love deteriorate as we feel so empty
The numb of nothing brought a cruel love affairs of destruction
Tell me who fell off but still kissed some lips softly?
Reply to agonizing comments with compliments in hopes of repair
Now a bottle in despair  
Now I felt pain and I felt so ugly
But can't help to still reach out to repair the arrows wounds like I'm a medic
What a pandemic
Here's the keys to my trust I guess anyone can have it
Cupid conquered what I wish to have but I can't demand it
I beg and plead
With cold hearts making me freeze
I really hope you get what I feel I deserve
As you're walking around happy and I'm the only one hurt
I better put this broken heart for auction
A poetic broken heart
On a shelve collecting dust like a piece of art
Who can really understand how that feels?

I wouldn't trade love for the world, but I'd trade my world for love. A beautiful soul? I think my personality would be more than enough. I've beat myself up for the sake of mental health! Not once had I attempted to seek help. Sober today..... Gone tonight, I best put my self on do not disturb so I can avoid a fight. Had a girl once tell me I've got a beautiful crack in my smile, just a tad broken. Tender, love, and care should do the trick. Her being around was more than enough. Just like my broken smile she had left, left me with a frown. I guess I shouldn't allow anyone to pick me up when I'm down. Vulnerability stays open, I just refuse to allow ya ******* to see me broken.

I can't promise you the world but I can promise you mine. I understand when you're not ready to give me your time. But you're the only one who sees me, we still chose to be so lonely. We both fell, we both weren't doing so well. But you can mark my heart on your map so you know where to find your home. Just promise me you won't ever go. It's bad enough I felt safer alone. We both know that's not the right path to go. As your tears began pouring, my heart beg and pleaded to save you. But you can't stop a storm. I'm a build us shelter and give you my jacket. My hugs tried to be your blanket. But I'm also not as prepared as any sane person would be. I'm hiding because I'm ******* lonely.

mom,
i cried because of Marshalls song
felt like i was never a good son
wished it was me that was gone and done
isn't life fun?
i remember the good and the bad
wished i was a man that wasn't a regret you once had
glanced from a distance and saw the old white car you use to drive
tear drops flooding my eyes
hey where dad?
******* depression
i'm beginning i'm the regret everyone had
she don't want me neither
i'd rather sit here in silence and take whatever everyone has to throw at me
just letting every thing hurt me
that's how it's supposed to be
dear family,
wished i was something ya'll wanted
now my feelings **** me guess who's haunted?
ma
wished i didn't hurt you
nor watched you die a few times
**** i'm glad no one was ******* there for me
i'd go take try because i was always lonely
even when i did want help
guess what? I ain't got no one else
plus who wants to waist time sitting with me in the waiting room
i'm a be here suffering in silence
guess what i'm trying to say
is that I'll eventually be okay
love ya ma
love ya pops
i'm a not ask for help'
i can take it with me back to hell

I didn't work another double
All just to watch a bigger struggle
Now I'm trying to snuggle
But apparently I'm nothing special
Is it me, or my my personality
Either way I don't know anything about happiness
Just fluent in loneliness
Now I'm working overtime
But I'll be lucky to have a dollar and hardly see a dime
I've ****** up and lost control
What a way to tell me I have a ugly soul
Grab a time sheet and punch me out
Like a upper cut I'm knocked out
But I got back up ready to punch back in
I refuse to let the haters win
I'm just trying to find myself again
I saw a flyer and would love to begin

I'm no toy so you best quit playing
Games over!
Understand what I'm saying?
Need A clover?
Even then your luck will run out
Might as well start praying because you're about to gain more doubt
I'll walk away because this was easy I'm out
Homie said you're talking but I haven't heard you speak
Nothing to back up because you haven't study your history
Only A cheat but even then you don't have game
About to put you to shame
By the time I'm done I'll disgust you because you're thoughts don't meant ****
Addict to dissing you but I need to quit
Here's A dictionary and A history book go study
Either way when you step up things will get ugly

666
Not falling for tricks
Rituals will be something I will happily miss
Not going out to fall for this
666
I've got fire and sticks
Bones break but my words are unstoppable
No darkness please if possible
Dark soul on my shoulder I need a black shovel
My soul ain't for sale and figures aren't crossed in a double
Sorry Mr. DEVIL
You're a fallen angel and rose hell
But I will not be under a spell

I'm in love,
I'm changed.
My butterflies remain,
Still floating above.
I will not let you down.
No matter what happens we'll stand our ground.

If I had a rose returned from every girl I attempt to talk too, I believe my hand would be full of scars. I guess I have a odd face with a slight attitude. Sorry sweets I don't trust easy I've been alone since I was about 22. Not like I'm the only one talking to you. I went from being first in line and used to play varsity. Seems like I'm now benched and became a ******* alternate.
***** the difference, I'm still the best anyone can offer. Who cares who's hotter? At least I know where my loyalty falls and I know where her words lie.
I throw salt at the ghost when they avoid saying good bye.

People try to cross burned bridges
As if they had no where to go
I've got on my coat because the heats so cold
Might as well call it freezer burnt
Always trying to cross over
Learning slow as I get older
I stay for self respect
Never knew what to expect
People act like they know me, especially when they see me doing stupid **** on my story
Never knew I was being judge until an argument comes
They shoot shots at me as if I was dumb
Just out having fun
I've burned bridges and still managed to cross over
It's not all over
I'll wait for a response when in sober
Not like these choices fight back
I've built respect only the real friends know that

My other half
My wheeze when I laugh
Forever going to have your back
Prepare for a hug attack
Stoic and wise
Learning me and warning me that it'll be alright
Always a call away
I'm eager to talk about your day
My wise fox