Never meant to rely on my insecurities.
But they always happen to be there for me.
Whether I love it or not.
Been chasing my thoughts.
Where do I go from here?
Is there a way to climb out of this fear?
I'm feeling my insecurities
And I'm beginning to get closer to my enemies

Don't trust Tinder, Never found a winner
She's a Only Fans beginner
But us men have compliments but we're a Thirsty sinner
Just false hope and a haunted app full of ghost
Thirsty Only Fans and stupid *******
Tinder never felt right so I left
Super liked my own business
What's a commitment?
Tinder has always been a joke
Caused me to be broke
I've so paid for the gold and found some Diggers
Full of preps and Only Fan strippers
You swiped right and then left
Account deleted for the 30th time
My ******* pays every dime
Tinder gold, one real joke, I'm hopping off Tinder boat, I've got my life jacket and off to land
Tinder so fake like you don't understand

It's warming up that builds motivation.
It's the praying that gets attention.
What happens on the field,
will not come back but will be remembered.
Loud fans,
Proud friends and family.
If it's choosing the bonding time,
I'd choose my team and peers on that field.
I learned to be happy with plays that is made.
If it was a fail at least i didn't cause it to be worse.
I got up and didn't break a bone.
Yes it does hurt.
Yes i did cry.
BUT!!!!!!!!
It's my team, it's our time to learn and get strong.
Practice on Monday means we will enter another game.
Fire me up on the line.
I am a part of this team.
As long as we stick together we will do just fine.
In this game we will have flaws, will succeed, will get played.
But we are one, we don't play to play.
We play for each other.
We play footbal

Her smile is like Autumn, I fall for it everytime. Like the leaves, I've raked up some colors pure as gold. Let's bag our love for one another, live together and watch each other get old. I'd take her out for some coffee, she'll talk about her day :)
Her eyes kept me awake
Better for me to wish upon a star with her gaze
I can fall for her all day
Her love would be my field trip, but a adventure on repeat

I have learned
healing takes it's own time
you can't over power
you can't rush
you can't demand
you can only give yourself time.
Distractions not always the key, but your emotions will still be on lockdown.
you've got to allow yourself to want to feel better.

So I woke up this morning. Not only the weather was colder but the people around here. That small amount of kindness did somewhat appear. Thank you for being so cold, I hope to have a decent home little did anyone racist ***** knew because I was already asked to go.
Where's the decent people around here

I'm fine when I grab that bottle
I'm fine when I isolate
I'm fine when i think of the old us
I'm fine when I see him at work
I'm fine when I catch old pics
I'm fine when I cry everytime I'm alone
I'm fine when I write down with tears drowning my journal
I'm fine when i think about slitting my thighs
I'm fine when we have a conversation
I'm fine when we argue in pity
I'm fine when i dont sleep
I'm fine when i don't eat
I'm fine when I reach out
I'm fine when i regret reaching out
I'm fine when I wake up knowing she's in a better place
I'm fine when I watch youtube
I'm fine when I put on raising hope
I'm fine when i rewatch everything
I'm fine.

What is the point?
Is there a reason?
If so, explain.
Direct me there.
I got this sheet of paper,
I'll write down,
all you have to do is,
combine and contrast.
if any doubts call me right back.
If I got a mistake,
correct me.
I "may not know"
Then teach me.
Oh really!
Yeah just don't judge me.

I am more cold blood where do i begin,
try me you'll be losin.
Go ahead and hate,
If i don't have people like you I've made a mistake.
Try me I'll break you down.
I use to rage and make people burn.
Now i bring the chills to give you more then the breeze.
i will change to correct myself but with people
like you i dare you to try.
I'll look up and show you how to dive.
you'll fall and i will laugh.
how does that feel? that was payback.

Look i might just pretend these people don't always exist in this planet. i got the love i need and no one else will have it. i may be overwhelmed and protective. but its hard to ignore i might as well be a detective. i could never wait to come see you. all day i wonder what we can do. maybe go out or chill and settle. but i will refuse to lose this I'm a fight for it like i were to get a medal. salute to all the soldiers and to my elders, what i was taught was lessons to become what's needed to complete me. now i want to be all noticed at the moments of what should be.
  I’m day dreaming all over again. dreams and true love is all just open. just yesterday i day dreamed to live with the beautiful girl, who now should never let me go. time use to be wasting along with others that would be pacing. they won't ever be compared, you're my only and preciously rare. i can not express my love.
Is it to hard to give anyone compliments or is it hard to speak. i know it can be tough but you just can't be weak. i laid down my eyes on the smile and then waited a while. i was searching the world for that beautiful girl.
  I’m day dreaming all over again. dreams and true love is all just open. just yesterday i day dreamed to live with the beautiful girl, who now should never let me go. time use to be wasting along with others that would be pacing. they won't ever be compared, you're my only and preciously rare. i can not express my love.
  I was taught to enjoy the moment don't rush it. but depending on time you may have to savor it. i began day dreaming to avoid bad flaws, now i am just waiting for fall. play some sports and the chills of the breeze going through my skin, then feel the goosebumps chills like my veins were to open. damp cut grass is so laid back, now i am complete nothing to lose some slack.
i use to search the world, not only the world, i have the life and the girl, making some decent friends and plan to marry my girl. i can justify.
  I’m day dreaming all over again. dreams and true love is all just open. just yesterday i day dreamed to live with the beautiful girl, who now should never let me go. time use to be wasting along with others that would be pacing. they won't ever be compared, you're my only and preciously rare. i can not express my love.


Babe, I love you sooooo much please be mine for the rest of our lives.

I miss sleeping by your side.
I'm up late trying to mentally survive.
Really rough seeing you with that strength.
I know I've got no reason to complain.
You're Truly Amazing.
Now all i can do is dream.
Don't wake me up because our nightmares came true.
I can't lose you, I love you.
For you I'll always answer.
I now lay on your side of the bed.
I try to inhale the scents you left.
Come back, there is more room for you.
Doors open, come on through.

A new day
A new age
Some great friends
Family with a birthday cake
Make a wish, blow out your candles
Take a slice
A new day, a new age
Birthday wishes, family with friends handing over gifts
Happy happy birthday
Merry birthmas
Happy existence

Hey Nel guess what?
You're a **** up.
No one gives a ****.
You're not trustworthy don't you understand?
None of your friends or ex's give a **** about you're attempted intentions.
You're a regret
Especially a stupid mess
Not like anyone can be there
They switch it around to they're personal experiences
You ain't going to get that help
You're just going to be that ***** woth that bad mental health.
Oh boy look what Nelli55 wrote on hellpoetry
What a dramatic ***** that cant handle his **** and he's so dramatic socially.
Yo uh know what igore his writing
Ghost Nel because he's something no one would be by his side fighting
Guess who don't know how to answer?
You're something no one has the patience to deal with and a cause of lost manners.
Nel just go disappear again
Remember 2015 when you ghosted everyone?
Back then you were a man that knew how to ghost ****
Now look at you failing to handle it
You're not trustworthy
Have fun being failing and being that past tense story

Star light
Star bright
Can I please get peace tonight
Been a struggle times are tough
I've just about had enough
Everything is just so rough
I wish upon a smile
Wouldn't want a burden on anyone
I know it's been awhile
Gaze upon something that should've been done
So star light, star so bright can I please get a peaceful sleep tonight?

Losing friends felt like ****. I just realized I survived all of it. Made me think it's a new start and I don't gotta worry for a bit. Ended quick, Ended over things that made no sense and turned out to be stupid. I don't mind walking alone on this dark street. New place hell maybe new friends to meet.

I need you with me, so beautiful and we're so meant to be. Blushing and smiling. Kisses and snuggles all day. Baby I'm on my way home, we going to eat pizza I'm about half way. Some raising hope or some shane. Don't matter baby you're my main. I love the way you kiss me with that beautiful smile. I'm a lay here with you for a while. Good morning beautiful, I'm a hold you before i go to work. A little late but it's worth it. Hey babe let's eat tacobell and perhaps watch some youtube. In the mood to watch playthroughs. Would you like to split a drink? Eat some fries or a cheese burger. Bbq sauce and some comedy every night. Baby I'm a hold you so tight.
(Loud music playing)
**** that was a dream, I guess I just woke up

It's not fair, dad you ain't there. Grandma you pasted too, so I feel like I can never get over losing you. Dad you died with me in the room. All I feel is me feeling so doomed. I'm losing. Life's confusing. Daddy will you help me?
I Burried you into your grave but you're presence still feels like you're here. I'm a slam a bottle with a beer. Now I drown in agony.

A lot of these nights I wish to have a girl go on a date with me.
I'll be touching every detail just to be that girls sight of this sea.
I want to get fired up for some love.
Wish I had the chance to have someone to be proud of.
Will she try to be that perfect image?
I would think she didn't need to change.
She'd already got my attention, why go the extra mile for me?
I wish to have some kisses, snuggles, and an another half.
I just don't want to feel empty.
I know for a fact girls will spend hours with their hair and their make up to impress and express.
I love the effort and attention but Sadly I don't have that.
That someday is taking so long.

I know that some people don't have a father.
Most tell me to not to bother.
I wonder why things gotta to be cold.
I guessing time fly's all till you're at least 90 years old.
Dad look what you put my siblings through.
I didn't care about me it was them not you.
Look at me when I'm talking,
your youngest son's locked up.
All right now tough love.
You only care about your new girl.
Now I'd a wish I hadn't gotten close in the ****** up world.
You use to be my hero.
Now you ignore me,
Only request when helps needed.
Why use sleep and work as an excuse?
I see you drive by all the time so I just now refuse.
I remember crying for you.
Mom takes it wrong and she's no help.
I'm beginning to ignore my health.
Mom and I fight to much.
I realize you aren't a decent dad and Now you're my crutch.
Thanks for "teaching Independents"
None of us trust you.
You can't buy it or buy your way out.
So stop playing DAD there's the door go ahead and walk out.

What is it I am feeling?
I don’t know if it’s the beginning.
I lost my way a while back,
Would take that chance I hope she knows that.
What is it?
I don’t know how to explain.
Discovered my flaws and pain.

I’m a paint the mirrors to avoid the reflection.
Lost my way and refuse the affection.
All I see is my past.
Use to be a hero,
What am I now?
What is it am I feeling?
Fear? Confusion? Lost? Sad? Depression?
Love? Joy? Time freezing? Happy?
Either way I miss her.
Want the Chance because I earned.
I deserve it all,
I am a man of my word and I refuse to fall.

I feel the need.
Somebody help.
I crave the love for my heart to bleed.
This is not part of my health.
I wish to seek love.

Swinging and singing to the moon
I began to think about life and wonder what I should do.
I'm no artist but I can see these images in my brain
A rough sketch I'm about to frame
I don't want to be caught capturing the same thing
I can talk to you all night, I've got nothing but time
These images gave me insomnia, a scribble here to fix some of  my flaws
I still manage to grip onto these chains for dear life
I swing and kick my legs up to the moonlight

This is why I don't open up. I guess she only fears losing my love.
I just will not explain, I bring her confusion and pain.
Mkay let me tell you a story.
When I thought there was no cure then believe there was but the time had to end before you found another can be more then real. Since no one is able to help I'm a just drink till hearts full on steel. Liver gone bad, But patients brought back.
Why bring in the bad man out from my chest.
I swear I am in love but in her heart I give her thoughts now she probably don't deserve me she deserve the best. I fight for it then lose all what i had to offer. I've started over. But if it becomes a habit, I'm a just be like here you go ma here is my check go ahead and have it.

My life just got colder, thought we was to get stronger. But I bet I'm not missed, Now you pretend I don't exist. I may just move away. I could not be here hoping for something that don't love me at all. you said you love me but not as deep as before. I lost it and threw myself and the ground for the tears to poor. I hear that you left because of my attitude and i was to clingy. Fine I admit to attitude but the other really? Thanks for killing me inside and out. Istillloveyou girl. Just know I'd still take you back and so. I just can't stop writing with out mentioning you. but since its poetry i just may free write it all away.

Yesterday was really cloudy
Todays really sunny
But I'm just as bipolar
I've been cold all season and winters just about over
Been ready for a change
But this month is full of storms and rainbows from the rain
Some sunshine for us to go out and play
Next weekend it'll be warm and foggy
Hours later it'll be bright and muggy
That's to be expected from sunshine's & rain

I turned the lights off, fell in to the dark. Realized the light and now I'm stressing it. If only people knew, then what would has she done or do. I open my eyes yet they have drowned. I wink at fear, then knock it to the ground. I'm beginning to smile, took a lot but now if only it were often. Loveyou and that won't ever change.

Dedicated caring person
refusing letting go.

Take a picture,
My memory of the dual moment won't last forever.
That smile didn't last any longer,
Now that memory gave me a sharp pain.