when i was in 5th grade, i was always determined to swing the highest. one day, when i was so high up that the back of my head was level with the top pole, i decided to lean all the way back as i swung backwards. with my face inches away from the ground, and the entire world upside down for a few fleeting moments, i then discovered what adrenaline was. that’s what loving you is like.

captain's log, #6

3/7/16, 9:17 a.m.

i woke up to the sound of rain and birds, it's almost spring and i'm nostalgic for something that i'm not sure has happened yet. 

captain's log, #7

3/11/16, 2:35 a.m.

at this point i don't even know why i still grieve over you. i've taken back what was once mine, to the best of my ability, but i think that you still have a tight grip on the parts of me that i'm not able to grow back. or maybe it's because i can't remember a time before i was either madly in love with you, or mourning the loss of your interest. me being "over it" means nothing when those words are still etched with traces of you. i can tell myself to get over it, that you have, that you're in the past, that none of this was ever real, but it was. it still is, somewhere. and in that somewhere, it grows. you will never be just, gone. 

captain's log, #8

3/11/16, 4:00 a.m.

let's go somewhere. somewhere far away, just for a while, where everyone else looks like ants. i wanna hold your hand there. i wanna go somewhere with you. 

captain's log, #9

3/16/16, 6:00 a.m.

it's only the beginning of a creation, but i already have that feeling in my gut, the one that can only accurately be described as nostalgia for the future. i feel things that don't make any sense, but here are some things i know; the weather's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, the flowers are tearing themselves open, and when i close my eyes i see your hand in mine. often times i'm not sure that i remember how to not be afraid, but i still find myself diving in head first. i can't stop thinking about two days ago when my therapist told me that it seems as though i like torturing myself. 

(EDIT ON 3/30/16: stop forcing yourself to like girls, stop falling in love with love.)

captain's log, #10

3/28/16, 7:04 p.m.

keep forgetting to write when i remember how to be happy. when she left, she didn't close the door, and he walked right in and turned on the lights that have been off for too long. his teeth are a little crooked, and he's only got one dimple, he hates these things but they make my chest flutter like it'll burst into a thousand flowers any second. i've waited months for this. i wish on every 11:11 that he won't be as fleeting.

captain's log, #1
 
2/26/16, 4:06 a.m.

my heart is growing, but has turned into an anchor. i guess a bigger heart means a heavier one, too. i remember what lightning bolts feel like. the elephant's feet are back. 

captain's log, #2

3/3/16, 5:05 a.m.

i think i know why night is the enemy. without light, there's no colour. i look out my window now, i can see a sun peeking over the horizon, and i know that the world does not spin for me. so why doesn't my brain work the same? i don't remember how or when this infinite night crept up, but i feel like someone took the saturation bar behind my eyes and slid it all the way left. i miss outlook. i miss the sun. 

captain's log, #3 

3/3/16, 9:52 p.m.

your bones get so weary and cold that all you're able to do is sit in the shower with the hot water all the way up, and it makes you feel less disgusting for a bit but we all know that letting water run over your body doesn't clean it, or your mind, of this filth. the greatest romantic couldn't make what you did to me sound remotely beautiful. many nights i have stood desperately scrubbing and washing my skin until it's raw but your touch still lingers.

captain's log, #4 

3/5/16, 3:14 a.m.

there are too many things in this world that i crave. i long for a different body, a different place, a different me. the rational parts of my brain know that this is what i've had, what i have, what i will always have and that i should just make the most of it, but depression creeps from somewhere dark, far below where my feet stand, and moves its way up my spine like a fiery slug. i am now realizing that the devil on my shoulder never left, only lied dormant. 

captain's log, #5

3/7/16, 2:10 a.m.

been driving too fast with my eyes closed. been smoking again. been forgetting to eat. been thinking a lot about the fine line between, "i want to die," and, "i don't want to live."

my love is as valuable as gold. it takes every fiber of my being to create and produce, and once it's soaked up by another human being, it takes a long time for me to get it back. even long after they name me a ghost, all i see is them. this is lingering. this is dwelling. this is the sidewalk fading away while wandering around wonderland. i don't remember how to get over it.

let me take a break from all of this for awhile
ii’m much too sad to read you a story from my diary
i miss kissing you
i want to kiss you under the sun
i want to kiss you on the sun
i want to handcuff you and kiss you
i want to know how to kiss you
i want to write a book about kissing you
kissing you is a full time job
let me kiss you agian
i am so sorry
i died kissing you
and i don’t regret it
i am losing my mind and i don’t want to find it
i"m reall sorry i will pay for the damages
wow can we stop loving each other so much already
i am so inlove with you right now i could make all the spelliung mistokos in the
world and you would still understand me and i you could close our eyes and still
see how much love we have for each other anad i don’t even mind if it seems like
i’m not payinga ateetion because maybe this is the way things are supposed to
be and i can’t make anything perfect for you because i am not but if you know
then i bet you can we ever
maybe this is right
everything is amazing and it will all be destroyed
this is the most memorable moment i’ve had today
let’s walk through the water with our shoes on
i want to feel the mud between my toes
i’m trying to catch all the mosquitos i can find
people say i’m not saying anything but i am actually saying everything and if you
paid close attention you would notice that i am actually made of different flowers
i’m so cute when i kiss you because you make
me feel reall cute u are so cute and kissing you should be an olympic sport
because i would win a gold medal in kissing you for sure!
how about we talk for a minute

i like to think of my eyes as broken cameras that can't focus properly on their own
i love my glasses honestly
i love to take them off when i'm in the passengers seat of a car at night because the city's fuzzy lights look so pretty
you don't get that with 20/20 vision

leave a mark wherever you go. plant a tiny piece of you and it will grow and grow and you will be infinitely remembered. don't be afraid, share yourself because you are constantly evolving. constantly bettering. you are a small creature crawling the face of the earth just like everyone else, but sometimes our footprints are bigger than we could ever be in this moment. you are a humongous soul contained in a tiny vessel of a body, who you are and what you've done will live on. make an impact. live, create, share. you can do so much more than just exist.

i'm going to die one day isn't that weird

the world existed long before me and it will continue to exist long after me and that's just it

and then i will come back as whatever i will be in the next life and bless the world with my undying soul

this body is a vessel and really you can't get rid of me 

take that, haters

it was almost like he threw his soul and everything that bounded him as a human being just went away.

sometimes i sit here when i am sad and i think about how easily i could turn to a blade but then i realize that it’s too much effort anymore and that you shouldn’t waste your energy doing destructive things over temporary emotions

sometimes music plays from my walls at night and that's okay

sometimes at 3am i hear a man's voice coming from the living room and then my dog starts barking but i don't question it

that's okay too

i've watched so many horror movies & read so many stories that when i'm scared i just think "if i'm meant to die, i will"

don't be scared because whatever's supposed to happen will happen whether you like it or not

i’m afraid. i’m absolutely terrified of losing you. i assume things. these ******* scenarios replay in my head like a broken record every second of every ******* day and sometimes i convince myself that they’re real. they broke me, everyone in my past. they completely shattered me. i try so hard to find the courage to trust people but every time i have it just gets torn down again. why am i so stuck in the past? i visit the past so frequently that sometimes days, even weeks will pass and i won’t realize it because i’m trapped in this nightmare of a mind. this is a new form of self-mutilation, and it’s killing me quicker than when my skin was opened, quicker than when my wrists were slammed against the table corner, and hell, even quicker than when i swallowed a fist full of pills every day to give me the numbing high so i could bear the real world. i am weak. i may have “recovered” from physically injuring myself but i’ve got this new method and it seems to be staying for good. you know, the sick part is, that somewhere deep inside of me, i must like it. it acts as a shield. constantly having your guard up is a lovely way to live until you take a peek into reality and see that you’re slowly killing off the people who truly care about you. i am selfish. i am weak. and i am so, so sorry.

i want to write out what this feeling is like but i’m so ******* sick of my own metaphors
i don’t want to write about how deep the ocean is or how i can feel this and that in my bones
i don’t want to be that kind of writer, i don’t want to be cliché
i just want to say that i’ve felt so detached lately, like i’m made of different parts taken from different junk yards and i have a feeling in my gut that i’m either going to be a really big nothing or a really small something
i want to be good at something
writing and being poetic is too easy
why are we so easily fascinated by someone who can compare two unlikely things and talk about how the sky bends and how your fingers tremble at the thought of being destructive
this is too easy

there's a lot of "don't"s that i've been doing lately and a lot of habits from the past are starting to show their faces again

i guess something in me thinks a drug addiction will help me write like i used to

probably will
it used to

your freckles come & go

when its warm out you get so many of those cute little spots on your face & wait hang on a second i think that freckles are basically sun hickeys
whoa i wish i was the sun

strength (n):** the fact that i have full bottles of alcohol in my closet and i leave them untouched

driving back home from being in the city, one hand on the wheel, yours in the other, the explosions in the sky song with the title to match the exact moment floating from my speakers, your head resting on my arm, and a sleepy look on your face. 

and *******, i have never felt so at home. i have never felt such solace in watching the dark highway lines. as long as you're by my side and your hand is in mine, i could drive forever, i could do anything, i am unabridged. i have never understood a wordless song so completely. every breath you take is a melody in and of itself. we are a symphony.

hey you are the ******* sun and whoever is making you sad is nothing but a stupid ******* lamp

hey buddy did u know that under a powerful microscope a wood chip resembles our universe just let that sink in

we are so small we are so fricking small ok u hav to make yrself known or else u'll forever be nothing but a tiny floating speck

is that what u want to be for the rest of yr life??? a **** fricking speck no i dont think so

thats some horton hears a who type **** ok thats not ok

u know what else

no matter how known u make yrself u will always be just a tiny little speck but hey u know what

some specks can be bigger than other specks and this is not always physical

sometimes the traces u leave behind are bigger than u will ever be

so make a **** impact

voice yr stupid dumb beautiful opinions and voice them loud

be the tiniest speck and climb up as high as u can get and fricking shout at the top of ur little speck lungs

we are here were r here we r here and all that good jazz u kno

did i just write a poem about horton hears a who *******

shoutout to dr. suess for being a radass motherhecker thats some deep crap right there ****

one time mary lambert told me that i am a ******* tree stump so i went outside to absorb the earth

always take time out of every day to go out without shoes on
feel the grass beneath your feet and between your toes
go out in public without shoes as well
do not be self-conscious
do not blush and curl in your toes when people stare
always remember that feet are weird anyway
always be proud of your weird parts

one time i did dxm and almost puked
laying in the cool dewy grass made me feel better though
i couldn't fathom how beautiful everything was in that moment
(i do not condone the use of drugs)

one time there was a time when i didn't need nicotine or drugs to feel better about myself
i miss that, that time in my life

i'm getting better though
i hope you are too
i hope you get completely naked before a shower and while the water's heating up i hope you look at yourself and touch all of you and i hope you slide your hands down your ribs and hips and think "******* i am one ****, fuckable *******"
because that's exactly what you are
i don't want this to be a cliche "u r beautiful" thing but i think that's what it's turning into

a cool thing about life is that when you cry your cheeks get stained with black but it always goes back to normal
your skin, that is
a cool thing about you is that you are like your skin
a cool thing about your skin is that it's always changing, always shedding, always growing
what i'm trying to say is that nothing is permanent
that you aren't always gonna be stuck in this **** hole
that you'll always find a way to resurface
that you aren't just a crack in the cement, you're the whole ******* city
haha, i love you you stupid head
a lot of people do
be kind to others because we're all just dumb beautiful walking flesh things
smile at every stranger and love like plants do
i don't care what you say, you are someone's sun
so shut up with all that "i'm worthless no one will ever love me" crap
be a conceded *******
love yourself
disregard rude remarks
basically be like kanye
u do u booboo

keep all of this in mind the next time you're afraid to go out in a certain outfit or to change your hair or to wear lots of makeup or no makeup or eat or any ******* nonsense you wanna do. please just do it. dont be a *****

i am laying outside on crunchy leaves and all i can think about is you you you

it's pretty nice out for winter

like 40-something degrees

people in my house have the stomach flu and i am deathly afraid of vomiting

so instead i'm out here getting lung cancer

isn't it funny how things play out

i joke about getting lung cancer a lot but i probably shouldn't because i'm probably going to end up with it

anyway now i hear something in the distance

it sounds like children playing

laughing and jumping and running

or maybe it's geese


but something inside me hopes that it's kids

i sexually identify as the 28 degree january breeze sneaking through your cracked window at 5am

one time a school of fish said to me, "everything will be fine. we promise. just hang around longer."

it was mid-june, i believed them

one time i tweeted, "you have so much undiscovered depth. you are an ocean,"
referring to my gay friend who is known for being sassy and, well, gay
and not for what he really is
or what he's worth

anyway, someone replied to it
"you're a cork in the ocean"
and to this day i still think about what the **** that even means
but its poetic sounding and i like it
i guess

we are all the **** of a great cosmic joke
and i am not me anymore
i'm a hurricane aftermath
it swept away all the worth i had left
and here i am,
incompletely resolute

my favourite shade of orange is the one leaves turn before they commit suicide and if that doesn't say something about my personality then i don't know what does

all i'm trying to say is that
the grass is green for a reason and it turns brown and ugly sometimes but it always goes back to how it was before and i need you to promise me that you'll hold on

today is the first page of a blank 365 page book. you hold the pen-- it's yours. make it good.

your mind fills up your whole room and leaks into the hallway through the cracks of your door, use it wisely

I EITHER WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS OR NONE AT ALL
and yes, i smoke every ****** cigarette to the filter
yet my sadness never fades
i have bent and creased my sorrows into tiny origami butterflies
and sometimes when it rains i am the happiest  i've ever been
and when the sun runs away
i am the only one here on earth
everyone is teeter-tottering on the moon  
i truly feel alive

and no,
i cannot take away what others have given
and no,
i cannot find solace in my own words

we are all together in this cosmic game

when your favourite pen runs out of ink,
i hope you think
of me.

i do not like associating with people who complain about the length of songs

people who listen to music but do not hear it

people who look at beauty but do not see it

i do not like associating with people who complain about the slow parts in books

people who admire the surface but do not try to break it

people who understand the flaw but do not accept it

i do not like associating with people who complain about boredom

people who know exactly what to say but do not say it

people who mourn regression but do not rejoice it

i do not like associating with people who complain about the length of songs,

break down the walls of your mind
take advantage of your depth
appreciate your width always

"i am very particular about who i expose myself to,"
we say to 3 million strangers every day

i shut off everything and everyone
just to listen for a while
then i start talking and do not stop ever

imagine yourself vividly

darkness goes like this

tell me one war since wwii that the united states has "won"
tell me one war where we have not been the aggressor

he told me that
burning down the house was the only logical thing to do next
unknowing how much of a literal person i am

start the car and leave this nowhere behind
things i used to admire from afar seem so much closer now

oh dear
i think i've lost myself
could you call it
(i left it on silent)

i don't have any data to back up my opinions
i think gravity and love are that of the same force

i don't like associating with people who complain about the length of songs

i wish i was strong enough to lift both of our souls simultaneously

you are constantly defining beauty with the way
you bite your lip and flutter your eyelashes and grasp your left arm and stare at the ground
while speaking to me

you are drunk and you are sad and i am broken and lets kiss

wow here we are

kissing

of all the possible combinations of events that could have happened in my lifetime thus-far, what if i am living in the best possible outcome

i'm not sure if this makes me happy or sad

**** SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS
(& i'm talking about the ones you place on yourself)
GO ******* BE SOMEONE

take a moment to lie out in the dewy summer grass tonight
look up and out into the sea of stars

someone once told me that a wood chip
looks exactly like our outer space
if you put it under a microscope

the universe is so big
and i am so small
woe is me,
woe is me

if i had you,
i would never look at anyone
else with such passion.

it wouldn’t be
fair to compare you
to the most vivid sunset,
or the bluest sea

none of these things even
come close to your beauty.



4/13/13