Neha shimoga

Neha shimoga Jun 2017

Every inch of this universe seems gloomy without you
and your name resides
in every atom of my body.
My heart teeming with so
much love to give I don't
think I can ever have enough
of you. All the drugs turn otiose
in comparison to you.
Stay here wrapped up in my arms
and let the synchronization of
our heart beats be the only rhythm
we dance on. Let the stars lean down
and waves flood the shore. Let the moon
lose it's light and the sun, it's warmth.
Just spin with me in this paradise
of insanity and love. It ain't the ordinary
feeling but a strong enraptured feeling you give me when I look in to your assuasive eyes.
Your touch brings in delectation
blooming every flower at my feet,
lighting every candle in my life.
Stay here as all our sorrow drown
in this aesthetical night. Let me sink into
those eyes and love you with every ounce.
Give me all your attention. Give me all your pain. Give me all your ailments for you no
longer have to bear them alone. Let my voice guide you home and keep you safe.
The heart that you have given me is my elixir.
Allow me to give you all I have as
my heart has chosen you and only you.
On this very galvanizing night I have
fallen yet again only if you knew.

A contradiction to my previous poem. Feelings change. Your heart moves on. Time heals. The perfect one walks in then you find yourself being loved beneath billions of stars.

Neha shimoga Apr 2017

~ Ending ~

The sky slipped into a
perfect shade of Clementine.
Standing there all alone on the
edge of the cliff wearing a yellow
endearing empire waist dress I had lost myself
somewhere between the sea and
the sunset.
All the water has it's own memory like
how we do and it's always trying to go
back to where it was.
The painful part about memories is
they only leave us wanting more.
I remember looking into your eyes
on the same spot and realized that it
was a sunset on it's own.
The same dress you loved with bright
red lipstick on my lips and my cheeks that'd turn crimson everytime you held my hand.
Now I realize how troglodytic I am
with nothing left but just a confused
state and a perturbed mind.
So incomplete. So exhausted.
I close my eyes and as the water
floods the shore I drown myself
In to another memory.
How I remember that night
when I came home crossing the seven
Seas and the distance between both of us. The ecstacy ran down my neck as I rang the doorbell just to find her entwined in your arms drinking wine from the same glass and sitting on the same couch that
we once sat on. The perplexed look on your face was certainly not what I was expecting.
But every expectation dies when the sun hits the ground.
I could see all my dreams getting lost
in the sea. I turned around took my bag
and with tears in my eyes I walked away.
You came running behind me and pulled me by my dress so hard that a part of the dress tore but I chose not to stay and continued walking.
This dress is still incomplete without that piece just like how I'm incomplete with you.
I open my eyes and just like how a modern fairytale ends I proceeded with my journey
watching the sunset that you had promised we'd watch together trying not to think how your skin felt on mine. Although it was like taking a sip of eternity. The sun, the sky and the water never tasted so good.

Pretty self-explanatory.
Feedback needed. :)

PS - Although I said incomplete, I am actually very complete and need no negative vibes.
I am long long over it. :)

Neha shimoga Mar 2017

~ I need to love me too ~

I had sworn that I would never
let this pop up again in my life.
But this tumultuous mind wouldn't
budge. I was so oblivious to the chaos
you had created. I hadn't realized it until people started pointing out the changes in my behavior. How could I let this happen to me?
It was probably all my fault. I probably spent too much time re-reading our old conversations and maybe lingered on to your musky, heady cologne for too long.
I probably made a big deal out of your little "miss yous" and meetups. Maybe the drunk texts meant nothing. Maybe the chocolates you got me was a friendly gesture. Maybe the fantasies I created with you stayed for too long, just in my head. I construed them to be signs. But somewhere deep down my heart knew that I would have to face the harsh reality.
I don't blame you for blaming everything on me. It was my sheer stupidity to let you turn my world upside down. All my insides ache and my lungs have given out but you still expect me to give you another chance? Not this time. We are done. Infact I was done a long time ago. I know I have been causing more harm to myself than you've. You had your chance but you let go. It is my chance to turn things right. If you can't then I have to. I need to love me too.

Random regrets although it doesn't bother me anymore.
Just reminding myself how strong I am :)

Neha shimoga Mar 2017

~ Misery ~

Ephemeral** euphoria
and abandoned memories.
These stains on my paper will
explain a lot more than my
poems ever will.
Left alone in the midst of this
troubled mind where once everything
swayed to the rhythm of my heart beat.
The tear sits at the corner of the eye wanting to roll down the cheek.
But how menacing would it be
if it rolled down ? I would be called a weak
hearted sensitive human.
Understanding my poor heart's misery isn't something that I could accomplish over the years.
Knives in my back and unexplained reasons for departure have nearly suffocated my existence.
How easy is it for somebody to just leave you behind after building up your castle of dreams brick by brick? How easy is it for your own people to bail on you? Living in uncertainties I have always learnt to sacrifice my happiness thinking that something better would come along. But all that comes along is disappointment. A sense of satisfaction is what I am lacking at this point and I don't know if my heart would ever be satisfied after all that it has been through. My life's like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle where pieces simply don't seem to fit. Why is it that the blame is always on me for everything I do ? Yes, I get attached ******. Yes, my heart falls too hard. Yes, my heart feels too much. Yes, I am emotional. It's not something in my hands. Stop asking me to change myself. There's nothing wrong with having a deep heart. There will be times when the pain would be immense but you have to live through it. Betrayals will find their way through and happiness will be taken away.
But you have to face it.
I honestly don't know how to create my own happiness because I tend to find my happiness in others. But nobody remains constant. People leave. People change. Some bring in delectation and some bring in agony and it depends on us how we take it. We have to learn to let few things go. I still haven't reached that stage or maybe that maturity where I'll be able to accept things and learn to adjust. But I surely know everything heals. The cuts heal but the scars remain which remind me of the battles I have been in and tell me how strong I am to embrace the pain and **** my misery.

It's okay not to be okay. Don't ever apologize for the very individual you are. All that is needed is a little bit of positivity. A little hope that helps you hold on.
The best is yet to come. :')

Pure feelings.

Neha shimoga Feb 2017

~ A message ~

Just one of those nights when I am pouring out but cannot find the exact words to put my thoughts in. The stars collide with my thoughts turning my atoms into dust that has probably snuck into your skin. Oh, how it felt to make a promise with a new heart and to adapt your ways and words. I just need you at this very moment because you are my poetry now and without you I am merely words. When I first spoke to you I had no words to express my felicity. You made me realize that I am capable of falling in love again. The book of my past had turned toxic and had to be thrown away as turning the page wouldn't work. That's when it struck me that the poison flowing from my past towards my future can only be brought to an end by burning all the memories and shutting it completely out of my body. It was hard as I was holding on to the broken strands of the thread that connected to my past. This time it wasn't my heart forcing me to hold on but my mind that had trapped all your incomplete words and wasted hopes. I had to let go and help myself climb up the cliff that I had been thrown off. I was so young when the pain had begun. And I am still forever afraid of being loved but I have to put my guard down just to let you in. You entered my life when I least expected and at times made me feel like the happiest person alive. I honestly don't know what your intentions are right now but I honestly love talking to you. After all that I have been through, my heart chose to fall again and it chose you. I don't know how you feel about it but you are very important to me and I know you know it. I am feeling this way after a long time. I am writing this just in the hope that my heart doesn't get shattered again.

I have let go ! Have you ?
...

I cannot thank you enough !

#transitions

Neha shimoga Feb 2017

~ Depression ~

It's setting in.
Slowly and steadily,
Like how it does
everyday. It doesn't have
a specific time.
It feels like walking on a road which leads to nowhere. It's feels as barbaric as getting stabbed in your back a gazillion times. It's like everything inside of you has collapsed, all the organs have detached and you're trapped in your mind. Your mind is just a gloomy room badly lit by oil lamps. Holding one of those lamps you make your way through the intimidating place just to find a cupboard and hear rattling noises. You know what's in it and you're scared to unleash it. The sound just starts to get louder and you take a step back dropping your lamp down spilling all the oil on the floor. There is absolutely no escape but to endure agony. It's that inexpressible pain which is inevitable for a deep heart. A heart that feels too much. A heart that can feel other's pain by a small touch. The sound gets heavier and syncs with your heart beat. It just breaks through the door and walks towards you with the gusts of wind. So cold and horrendous. Red boiling eyes and deafening screams. The ruler of the dark. You know how much damage it's going to cause. All the positivity you managed to gather gets shattered in no time as you hear it speak. It ***** the life out of you. It makes you feel useless. It makes you feel unwanted. It makes you drown in your own pain. A monster who lives in your mind and feeds off your happiness. Kills the rush of dopamine. It's growing and it's not going to budge. It's motto is to annihilate you completely and in the end it just sets your mind on fire burning it down completely. You scream your lungs out but there's nobody to rescue you. Your legs tremble and you just fall on your knees with death in your heart. //

Harsh.

It's you who's responsible for your own happiness and sadness. I know it feels nearly impossible to overcome it. But you will eventually. Be positive and don't let any negativity affect you in any matter.
Create your own happiness :D

Neha shimoga Feb 2017

~A letter to my loved ones ~

Lying down in agony,
Not able to hold this pen.
Not able to write. All my feelings are a
mix just like my drink. A cocktail of all my
feelings will eventually be the death of me.
I never gave much thought about how
I'd die but this is certainly not what
I had on my mind. Cold and barbarous
bullets that you shot from your gun have
penetrated most of their way through
my body. A shiver ran down my
neck as I get up and sit
at the fireplace.
Looking straight into
it, my brain triggers
happiness and reminds
me of my good old days.
How I'd roast marshmallows
above hot coals and how
me and my best friend would set
up tents and play with dolls.
When I was small I would wait for my prince to arrive
on his unicorn from the cloud Kingdom. I would wear my favourite pink frock and a crown and put some lipstick on
and sit at the window waiting
for him to be seen. I always imagined
him to slide down the rainbow
with chocolates and balloons.
Being whisked away to a far
off land and making friends with ponies and fairies was my fantasy.
At that point of time, I never thought that one day I would stand upon the place where my fantasies and reality collide.
Even though my prince never showed up
I never lost hope. I would smile as my dad would enter my room with chocolates and lift me up high in the air like he has conquered the world.
He has fulfilled every single wish of mine.
He has loved me in a way no one ever has or ever will.
Thinking about it now I realize that I have always been my daddy's princess and nobody can ever take that right away from me.
He has always been my hero.
Those days mint chocolate chip ice cream would fix just about everything and for the pain there would always be my mother's arms.
All the happy times spent with my family and sharing so many unforgettable and sweet memories with my friends makes me want to get back to being a child. I am so grateful to all of those people who have made my childhood.
But the reality here is that people who
Come into our lives change us sometimes for good or bad and it depends on us how we embrace it. I have seen the innocence of young girls being taken away. Prince charming doesn't really exist but you're you and you have your family and friends to love you. Stop being upset and stop seeking love in the same direction you lost it. **Be happy.

Something I would write in my old age while taking my last few breaths lol. Nevertheless, better now than later. :D