The sludge seeps into my marrow.
Filling every pore, every entrance until I’m suffocating in it.
It roils and slurps with its oppressive heat
And gurgles and spits until it wraps me up completely.

It hardens.
The shell so thick nothing can penetrate it.
You chisel, and chisel away and I watch you
And I laugh at you.

I laugh so heartily at your futile efforts to get to my center
I watch you grow frustrated
I watch you get angry
I watch you try by force
I watch you give up and walk away

And I laugh.
Because I drank the hate you poured
And I let it consume me.
There is no hate more hilariously poisonous than yours.

The delicious malice of armor created by you.
Does it make you feel weak?
Does it make you feel inadequate?
Does it make you feel hopeless?

I swim deep in those feelings until I bottom out in the ecstasy
Of their prison.

Bitter.
My return to the present is bitter.
The aftertaste of your shot of hatred is putrid.
It festers and infuriates me.
I want to bathe in its luxury of intoxicating drama
And shoot you down where you stand until there is nothing left
Of the bottle but puddles.

Forget?
I’ll forget when you perish. When I watch the heat
From the sludge devour you inside and out.
When I see the steam rise from your burnt ashes.
When I pull the trigger and see the fire melt your hateful eyes into the
holy oblivion of uninterrupted agony...
When the world burns you as I stand unfazed in your corroded armor of hate...
Then I’ll forget.

I've seen that look before.
I see it every time I close my eyes.
I see that look and my breath catches in my throat.
I see that look on every face that I don't want to see it on.

 I've felt that touch.
The touch that haunts me at night.
The touch that still coats my clean skin.
The touch won't disappear.
Like sharpee on dry erase.

 
I see the pity. The longing.
The lust. The hatred. The jealousy.
The dismissal.
I see it.

 I see it like the thousand scars marring my body.
I feel it like the fingers that dig into my flesh
As I cling to my sanity.
naked...exposed...blind...
I stand back and feel them look at me and
shrink.

 
I SEE YOU!
And I scream it over and over and over again
And still no one sees me.
 

But I can't see me either.
I'm a prisoner of the past.
My freedom is bound in chains.
I don't let the sunlight stream in.
It doesn't warm me like it used to.

 
I don't let the outside inside.
I don't let the looks find me.
I don't see you so you don't see me.
I hide.

 
But you don't see that.
You don't see me.
You see you.
And all that you hate in you.

 
You see weakness.
You see fear.
You see lust.
You see shame.

 

 And it works out for you because only mine is on display.

Yours only comes out when you think no one is looking.

 
But I've seen that look before.

Verse 1
I didn’t even drink that night, well not a lot.
I’d learned my lesson with that and well,
I trusted him.
Liked him, even. He’d asked me out and I said no,
But I was going to tell him that night that I’d changed my mind.

We’d been together all day,
Just hanging out,
Having a good time.

Always at my expense though
He couldn’t laugh without
Making fun of me.

Chorus
(I didn’t say no.)

Verse 2
He went out of his way to buy me things.
Gave me rides to places,
Went on long walks,
We were such good friends!

We gave each other the cold, hard naked truth.
No questions asked.
I thought I knew quite a bit about how the world worked.
But he said my truth was ugly.
That I had no redeeming qualities
That it was all my fault for being in the wrong place
At the wrong time
And I was wrong for wanting someone to love me despite this.

Chorus
(I didn’t say no.)

Verse 3
He came into the room while I was sleeping.
We’d gone into separate rooms on purpose.
Someone believed I cared enough about myself
To choose.

I didn’t have a ride home.
So I stayed.

(Bridge)
And,


I hated it. Every minute of his hands on my body.
I hated the way he smelled, stale beer and trail mix,
His crooked teeth and visible nose hair.
I hated his ability to lose everything that made him “him”
I hated the way HE STOPPED ME! from “adding another notch in my belt”
Because he didn’t want to “be another number”

I was so angry!
He knew my story, knew my life and still...
He was on top of me, and I couldn’t say no.
When he shoved his finger inside of me...I...froze.
All this time had passed with me underneath him with my heart pounding, and I was sure he HEARD me say no but I didn’t SAY no.

When my friend put his face near mine and told me I wanted this to happen, that I owed him for all the favors I thought were mutual,
I cried but not out loud because I had to “finish” to win.
And all I had to do was say no. That's what he said. Just tell me no and I'll stop.
The liar. THE LIAR!

He didn't stop.

And,

When I saw my face in the mirror, my soul broke.

Because I became his beginning and his ending.

I just...stopped existing.

(Chorus)
And,

I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
I didn’t say no.
Repeat x...

I build a house of cards with the deck of hearts and present it to you.
And upon seeing all my full, red expressions of affection, you shuffle and deal out my imperfections until
one by one,
my house falls down.

Your diamonds aren't as illuminous as they were after your first sip, you say.
So all your glitter isn't really gold, you say while
shifting my diamond to a rhombus never to turn it right side up again.

Your clubs beat me over the head and cause my brain to swell with a smooth aftertaste as you
see through my lack
of a poker face.
Breaking through my walls and exposing my weak points.
Flooding over my defenses and ensnaring me in a trap
weaved only by the highest proof
and I know you have won.

Because my ace of spades has been found.
Trickling your jokers over the rocks to my hearts,
they climb over the rubble that has been laid at the ground, the foundation, the base.
And your clubs tear it up!
And the jokers, you! race to the top of the south and with your strongest clubs,
break into my ace of spades!

Pinning it to the ground and forcing it to turn around and flee!
And I can hear it! I hear it calling for me... to help us get away
but my hearts are dull and my shifting rhombi are ablaze.  
For this infinite moment in time is dazzling and my own eyes aren't aligned to light the way
to free me.

Gleaming rays of the sheen from your diamonds slice through my illusions and
wake me up to the aroma of fresh debris.
My hearts, toppled.  My diamonds, demolished.
My clubs, sleeping and my ace of spades,
removed.

And the sky never changes. The moon ripples in the puddle left behind by the design
of your jokers and spades and your hearts remain untouched.  Your spades are buried behind walls of
black and your diamonds are so far back that I couldn't tell if they were even there at all.

My deck of 52 is now a deck of 51 and without a solid set,

I'll never have the chance to play this "game" again.

Watching. Waiting in a world of silence.
Heeding, yet receding from unattractive lies.
Veiled by hardened minds,
the truth, is in the eyes.

And it speaks thus.

Dark, ruthless, twisted faces
full of pride and arrogance.

"We are better than all" they chant
with flying fingers of steel.

Intrepid slurs
on unsuspecting souls.
Keeping them at a distance.

What makes them so unclean?
What makes us so unclean?

Feast on our fear,
and constant unsureness.
Take our joy and turn it into self loathing.
Vile, pretentious predators of song.

Where is the right found within
to chew another's dream into non-existence?

We are blinded by our hearts
that we have so willingly given.
And yet, those that would guide us
to a place of understanding and harness that love
for the better of all,

have chosen to abandon us.

Teach! You magnificent creatures
whom love is openly bestowed upon.

Teach and show the way
to those who face a long life of
practical non-existence in what
we choose to believe is the ultimate path

of expressing ourselves.
Do this, and preserve what is most sacred.

Choose otherwise,
and be forever tormented with the knowledge
that allowing hatred to reign will ultimately destroy
Everything held near our hearts and minds.