The walls we build up around ourselves
With intentions of protecting us
Inadvertently imprison us
Made wary by our own cautions
Afraid to take chances
Never letting anyone in
And never getting out
We have locked ourselves in and away
Our own fears have swallowed the key
With this type of thinking
We will never be free

Karma isn't always quick to act
Sometimes it takes months, even years
To fully come into effect
Sometimes, it waits until you're on your deathbed
And it will come in the form of regret
Reminding you of all of the hurt and pain you've caused

So think twice before you burn bridges
And bite your tongue before you say mean things
Be nice and good and fair
And that comes around full circle as well
Sometimes, it takes a while
But good things do come to those who wait

While it rains
We sit in a window
Looking out waiting for it to stop
Our life goes into a limbo

All this precious time in our lives
We waste on waiting
For something or someone
To happen

We wait for the light turn green
For our laundry to be done
We wait for the over to preheat
Or for reciprocated love

This limbo we live in while we wait
Gives us nothing but grey hairs
As our precious time slips away

Patience is a virtue
When it comes to the right things worth waiting on
But how much time is wasted in that limbo
On things that aren't worth the wait?

It's a fine line
Deciding when it's appropriate to wait
But it's not worth it when we put our lives on hold
With or without patience
We grow old

In the end
We all have an end
How many of your pages are filled with words and events
Instead of ellipses (...) which is
The limbo we sit in while waiting

© Nathan Pival 2016

If you want my heart
You will have to take my hand
And show me how to love again

The responsibility is both of ours, most definitely
But you should know
This will come with rough edges for me
After being cut so many times
I learned to quit giving people the knife
But I do want to love again

I just need to know that it will be okay
And that you won't take advantage
Of my opened heart
Of my desire to please
That you will really love me for me

Nothing should ever be rushed
But no one is getting younger

Asking you to hold my hand and be gentle
Isn't too much, is it?
But I will be as kind to you
It can be a journey together
You and I

I won't forget
The world is unfair, equally

Her state of being had reached into the depths
Back and forth between happiness and sadness
She had arrived at a state of melancholy

On the edge of her smiles
Always lingered a twist of melancholy
She was nervous about going all in
Because that was too much to lose

Her perpetual sadness gave her a beauty
Not to be appreciated by most
Yet the look she portrayed gave her a pureness
Unlike no other

Not deeply sad, but down
And any happiness was always shortly lived
Too much loss
Too many goodbyes
She was built upon broken things

Her melancholy smile and disposition
Was something only the real sweethearts and lovers could love
Because getting a smile from her was like gold

Hers was the attention worth fighting for

There was one
And that was all one ever knew
One got through this life on his own

One was alone until he met her
She had been one before as well
Together, they became two

Things changed from being about me
And everything became about us
Together, no longer alone
One and one became two

Two were together for a long time
And they did everything with each other
After a while, they created another one
And two plus one became three

These three became a unit, a family
The bigger two looked out for the smaller one
And that is how they got along

After some time
Life crept in and began to divide the three apart
Try as they might
Fight as they fight
They couldn't stay as three any longer

As everything fell apart
Three became two
And then two became one
Everyone was alone again
Just like the beginning, *the start

What does it take
For a man to bury his dreams
Behind the garage with his gone pets?

Was it responsibility and maturity
To know that the dreams of a child
Weren't obtainable for a man anymore?

Was it because too many people
Said it couldn't be done
The doubt that seeded in
Just added up to lost time
And now there just wasn't enough time?

What does it take
For a man to finally bury his dreams?
Shovel in hand, a cigarette rests in his lips
As he says goodbye
To the dreams he had as a child

Every now and then
It can feel good to be alive
To be happy to be yourself
To feel thankful
To be the one that walks in your shoes

These days only come every now and then
So we have to make the most of them
They give us strength for when the days aren't so kind
When the tears well up in our eyes
And everything has us feeling overwhelmed
Maybe not that loved or appreciated
Or just downright defeated

It's the memories of those days
That only come every now and then
Where it feels special to be alive
To keep us in our place
To keep our feet on the ground

To just know that it's not so bad
Every now and then

A series of die rolls
And you still ended up being you
What's the chance of that?

When I was a child
I can remember being excited
When I could finally color
Inside of the lines

It was such an achievement to be able to do
What the adults had deemed
The way it was done
Color inside the lines
Think inside the box
Follow the rules
Do as you're told
But those are just surefire ways
To keep you from writing your own story

To live you must let creativity take hold
To untie your tethers
To guide your hand outside the lines
To show you how to think outside of the box
To remind you, it's not always about doing as you're told

To write your own story
You sometimes must color outside of the lines
Don't be afraid to have an original thought or dream

The other day
A friend asked me why life had to be so difficult
My response was that it was never meant to be simple
Life is just a lesson we may never fully learn

A constant struggle
Caught between heartbreak and love
Not only surviving, but living
Being kind and forgiving

Life is difficult because that is what makes us wiser
It teaches us to appreciate
The small things
The beautiful things
The overlooked things

The sound of the wind through the trees
Or crickets on a summer's night
Training pedals removed, skinned knees
Learning to get back up again
After being knocked down

Life is difficult because nothing worth having is ever easy
It's the fight that makes the time to smile that much more beautiful
It's the crying that makes us grow inside and even out
Taking life for what it's worth

A smile holds as much value as a frown
As up is to down
Life is sometimes hard
And sometimes it's easy
But it's always what you make it

I was the moon
And you were the stars
You were faraway
But I knew you were out there
I was surrounded by your presence
Yet never knew your touch
I was the moon
Traveling on my own
Wondering if we would ever meet

One day the light was different
When you came into my life
You became my sun
I was finally warmed by your touch
But it was ever fleeting

Always a chase
Rarely meeting
I was the moon
And you were the sun
Saying goodbye became a greeting

Every now and then our epic chase
Would turn into a meeting
An eclipse and melding of souls
Almost as soon as it began it would end
And we would begin our chase again

I was the moon
And you were the sun

No matter how stressed out
Or wound up
Or defeated the day, week, month, or year
Has made me feel
I'm always ready for someone to say the right thing
And that could always be as simple as *"Hello"

The art of loneliness
Isn't to be appreciated or loved
But it is felt and known by many
A lesson not taught but learned

Like flying in a rocket ship
Looking down and seeing everyone
And how the world seems to work
The feeling of not belonging with everyone else
Alone on your journey to fly alone

Always on the outside, looking in
Wondering what it would be like
To be at home somewhere

The real art of loneliness
Is how well so many of us hide it from others
Finding a career
Getting married
Being social
Yet never feeling at home

There are moments when we connect
Or cross paths with others that remind us
We aren't truly alone
It can be difficult to not become needy of these people
And we will drive them away
Because in the end
This is what we know

The art of loneliness isn't something you share with someone
We have moments that bring smiles and happiness
And those are the times when we grow tired
Because anything worth enjoying
Is better off shared with someone you love

This is the art of loneliness

Just wanting to hear your voice
To know that you were there
And would listen when I would call
The truth was
There wasn't anyone at the other end of the line anymore
Your line had been disconnected
I never got to say goodbye
I just didn't want to hang up

I should like to tie you up
    So you have only one choice
That choice is trusting me
Giving me control
    Over your pleasure and passion
That would be my pleasure
In that
I do not feel that I have a choice
It is my responsibility
To make you mine
To want your all
To feel your all
To take care of you
To protect you

You will let me
Show my strength
My power
My dominance

My love

Without you
I have nothing

I may ask of you
To give control to me
But your hands are upon my heart
And that is where true control lies

I am your man

You fell in love with my poetry
But does that mean you know how to love me?
Have you ever loved a poet before?
Do you understand it may take a little more?

We see things more vivid than most people do
We may seem distant sometimes
Because we are

Lost in our thoughts or daydreams
Beautiful things will sometimes make us cry
I am telling you this so you don't have to wonder why

If you love a poet
You must not be the jealous type
If you ever plan to make a poet your wife

Our poetry is for everyone, not just you
This is something you must understand
If you want a poet to be your man

Sometimes our words will come out better on paper
Than when we are speaking to you
Sometimes we still might feel alone
No matter what you say or do

Do you really understand what it takes to love a poet?
Do not let our words intimidate you or expect to heal our scars
Just accept us for the beautiful souls we are

We will love you like no other
And the way we will show it will leave you smitten
We will again and again proclaim it through the poems we've written

When you love a poet
Each kiss will be a masterpiece
Each embrace will be the first and last

When you love a poet
They will be a puzzle
And you will be a puzzle piece

You wanted more
Even when you had it all
Your greed made you ungrateful
And you took your blessings for granted

You pushed your friends and family away
Replacing them instead with temporary friendships
Knowing they would never last
You made your relationships disposable
And tossed lovers aside

When you were told to get help
You couldn't swallow your pride
You didn't even go home when your mother died

You felt guilty because you knew she was sick
But couldn't find the time to call or visit
Because your schedule didn't allow it
You didn't try to make amends
You blamed everyone else

The last thing you took for granted was your health
By the time it was fleeting
You had no support left to give you strength
All you had left was your wealth
Everyone else had moved on
And already considered you gone

Even though you had it all
You tossed it aside
All alone is how you died

When everything hurts and you're broken inside
Where do you run
When there's nowhere to hide?
Who do you call when you can't even talk?
The tears mumble up your words
The judge and jury
Of your broken hopes and dreams
Have found you guilty of being human
Worn and weary
Your soul is tired of fighting
Your eyes are tired of crying
The reality of what has been lost is horrifying
Inside, broken dreams linger
Where will you go to pick up the pieces?
Will you ever forgive yourself?

Each time you speak to me
You have an opportunity
To lift me up or knock me down
To show me love or show me harm

Baby, you **** me
When you're angry and mad
Your pain you spread like a wildfire out of control
I keep getting burned
But I can't turn away from your fire

But baby, you lift me up
And inspire me to live and to love
When your heart is right and you're feeling nice
When your looks you give are of love and not vice
It is in my nature, for you I desire

No path will ever be easy when it comes to loving you
Because your fire burns brightly
And it cannot be contained
I am drawn to it like a moth to the flame

I am learning to play with the fire
I respect it because it is beautiful and powerful
Such is the beauty of your beast
My tolerance for the burn will ever increase

Poems for days
In an attempt to fix the things I've broken
Including myself, along the way

No one ever said it was going to be easy
And it hasn't been
Bad choices have been made
And bridges have been broken

Reality has been sobering
Sobriety has shown me reality

To all the people I've hurt over the years
Including myself
I must tell you that I apologize

I used to look for answers at the bottom of a bottle
Even though they didn't come
I kept trying and only complicated everything

It was about not taking responsibility
Not wanting to deal with my life and the losses I've experienced
The reality is
That's life
Most of it is out of our control

When you ride the wave
It will break eventually
You just gotta get back up and keep swimming
That's life

A cigarette and coffee
As I decide how to approach this day
Wondering if there will be hurdles to jump
What obstacles will be in my way

I try to be optimistic
But I know how life works
Not everyone is nice
Some people are jerks

But the sun is shining
I don't dare turn on the tv
Things seem pretty easy-going
I don't need that ruined for me

A lot of times we forget
That things are a lot better than they seem
Don't get caught up in the *******
Instead of living the dream

This waking life isn't as terrible
As some make it out to be
We just have to take time to notice
When things are right
Instead of just when they are wrong

Love today
Because tomorrow may never come

You were Fire and Ice
Naughty and nice
Loving you hurt
I couldn't be helped

I wish you were there for me
Like I've been there for you
But you're not
Because this is a one-way street
And you're headed the wrong way

We were young and you caught my eye
My eye was dumb and I knew it
So I pushed you away
Because you were too young
You fool! Get away!!

I avoided you as long as I could

But you found your way into my heart
I know exactly when it happened

I came home from the army and you were different
You were a woman
You were beautiful

Cut to the chase
I made you mine
I was happy about that
We were happy for that

We made a baby
Out of love because I loved you
You were there and had me
The whole time I was gone
Overseas with no one to know
I did have you and you had me

I came back and things
Slowly started to break
I was broken
But we were young

I was so confused
About everything
I put a lot on you
And I am sorry for that

I still want you to be happy
I always have
I am here and I made it back
That is an issue I have been dealing with
Since I've been back

But, thank you
For looking out for our son in my absence
I know this won't make it right
But you won't talk to me
Face to face
And remember,
I used to be your best friend

I'm still here
And I'm trying to make things better
I am
Only a man

Being a poet
Changes everything
The way you look and experience
It turns pain into beauty
It breaks down time

It speaks for you when you don't know what to say
It comes at times you can't sit down and write it out
It can keep you awake at night
It may offer you a smile when no one is there to see

Poetry is my outlet
It connects me with others that understand
I have made friends from other lands

When you need someone to talk to
And no one is there
The paper will listen to your pen
And suddenly, you know you aren't that alone again

Poetry has saved me from myself
And it's helped me save others from themselves
It has taught me to take time to really see things
For the truth
To notice the little things that actually matter

Writing poetry is therapy with no judgement
I am writing this to say *thank you

My heart skipped a beat
Not once, but twice!
In her presence I felt weak
On the edge of my seat
Vulnerable and nervous
I was afraid to talk
Not knowing what to say
"How are you doing today?"
And that seemed to be okay
She smiled the sweetest smile
It's direction was obvious
It's purpose intentional
I fell victim to it's power
And I knew at that very moment
That I would fall in love with her
I already had

The moments that take my breath away,
Are the ones that make me want to keep on breathing.

Pillar of strength
Standing free and alone
Never asking for support
But always there for others
When things got tough
When it helped to have something to lean on

Pillar of strength
Having endured many years of this routine
Never designed to go without repair
Or to even hold too heavy of a burden
The foundation was crumbling
Soon, everything would come crashing down

Pillar of strength
Needing to be repaired
Was cordoned off to keep the people away
They protested!
"How will we stand on our own?!"
"There is no way!!"

Pillar of strength
Tired of being misused and abused
Spoke loudly and clear
"I was never meant to stand for you or bear your burden alone."
"I was meant to give you some help and a break on your way home."

Pillars of strength grow weak
When they're overused and become meek
Bearing burdens is tiresome and dull
So check the pillar every now and then
To make sure it won't fall

Through this weighted and wanted life we live
Handshakes, hugs, and smiles we give
Patience and temperament tried
Will broken and tears cried
There's a lot more to life than just surviving

Life's greatest pleasures
Lie within the smile of a child
Or the whispers of the wind
The only mysteries worth solving
Are those that lay within

Have you ever watched the sun chase the moon?
Did you know it was just another love story?
Our unique perspectives are what make us
And it's okay for us all to be different

This is something that makes it so special
When we cross paths with those who we can relate
A kindred soul
Someone cut from the same mold

Keep your happiness simple
And you will see
Not only will you survive
You will thrive
And be free

I knew from the start
That nothing was going to be easy with you
I understood the risk I was taking by giving you my heart

I didn't expect much
But I did want you to be honest with me
And not play games with me
Be there for me
I wanted it to be a two-way street...at least
It was for a while and everything was great
So what we had I know was real

I realize inside that it's really neither one of our faults
Placing blame doesn't really matter anyways
I just know that I still love you and want you to be happy
You pushed me away for long enough that I have to try to move on
I've got my heart to look out for as well

That doesn't mean that my feelings have changed
Or that I don't love you anymore
I don't think that will ever be the case
Each day, you are the first
And are the last thought
That crosses my mind

I've shared your pain for a while now
I've let you take it out on me
And I've tried to be there for you
I have been there

You have to fix yourself or you will just break others

It's never easy but it could have been with you
I still love you and always will
If ever there is a day that exists
Where what I gave you is missed
Maybe we can try it out again
Your desire I cannot resist

The path of destruction
Left in your wake
Torn between love and being alone
Never settled, never atoned
The cycle will continue to go on and on
You smile but internally you frown
Your addiction has turned to attention
You take for granted affection
A real love fell into your lap
But in your broken form
You deemed yourself unworthy and undeserving
Your sadness and emptiness continues to spread
On your path of destruction
There is no end

Maybe one day things will get better for you
And I hope they will
I hope you find something real
I hope you find a way to heal

Next time
I'm gonna take my time
Spread it out so it lasts
Answering desire with your gasp
Your hair I pull with a gentle grasp
You've opened your body and soul to me
Being bound makes you feel free

I would never take advantage
Of the openness you've offered to me
I am your protector and your rock
Your pleasure is what brings my pleasure

The trust you give I cherish with respect
I know just when to let go
When my hands are around your neck

You know that I would never go too far
Because I know exactly what you can handle
Half of the pleasure is finding out what your limits are
The other half is finding the limits then raising the bar

Although I may be in charge and I may be in command
Your pleasure is what I seek
Your pleasure is what makes me feel free

The people that make themselves the most available
Will find themselves being the first to be taken for granted
Make them fight and win your time
Because life is short and time is valuable
If your time isn't valuable to them
Say goodbye and shut the door
There is someone else who will savor every moment

Tomorrow will come
And the day will be yours
A new day to begin again

With yesterday behind you
The future is wide open and young
It is yours to explore

Your day will come
With open arms to welcome and embrace your soul

The future is your kingdom
And your heart is your throne

Your day will come
You will finally find your way back home

I used to close my eyes
To hide me away
From the things that were scaring me
When I didn't want to listen
When there were too many things going on

I've grown and undertaken
Some real mistakes
Misjudgments
Decisions that made me judge myself

I find that nowadays
Not much has changed
From when I was a little person
At least for me, anyways

I still see a lot of good
In people
We all want the best
For our children and our favored peers

But there is all of this fighting and disagreement
A true mess
But what future do you want to have?
A place to care and love one another?
Or somewhere to distinguish and compare?

We are all in this together
If you don't realize this by now
You are lost

I keep on trying to love people

We were apart and you were gone
That much was true
I never knew if it was permanent or temporary
I kept catching myself looking for you

Getting along without you, day to day
Wasn't anything especially difficult
We hadn't had a falling out
And I knew you were out there still
I just kept catching myself looking for you

Every time something made me particularly happy
I would want to share it with you
Even though I knew you weren't there
Whenever I felt sad, I would look for your support
Even though I knew you weren't there
Many times, I just sat there telling myself
"Everything is going to be okay"

I missed you and you became a perpetual daydream
More than I was comfortable admitting
I often pondered if you missed me as often as I did you

Our last kiss was savored
I knew at the time
There may never be another
The memory is vivid
As my lips touched your lips

As I write these words
I still wonder about you and how you are doing

The fire you lit inside of me still burns
Always offering some help finding your way back
Should you ever decide to tend the fire

I will always look for you
Because it is you that I am missing

Walking home by myself
A lonely trip with only the wind to keep me company
Cigarette butts litter the curb
Whose lips they've touched
Their story I will never know

The smells of nighttime and laundry fill the air
In the distance, music can be heard mixed with laughter
Somewhere, memories are being made
Unbeknownst to the receiving, someone is falling in love
For it to only end up in heartbreak

In those high rise buildings
Someone is contemplating suicide
Three doors down, a life is being made

On these lonely walks home
I witness the world we live in
In the darkness, I can see

Romantic and sweet
Darling, you make me weak
Never having felt this before
What it really meant to give
Your heart, soul, and passions
What it meant to love someone

For a king to kneel to his queen
Not behind but besides stands she
Until you came into my life
Something had always been missing

It had always been you
Maybe our paths will take separate routes
Or maybe we will travel the same road
I am just glad to have met you on my journey
Because I don't have to continue to search

Not knowing what I was looking for
Was something that ate at me
I didn't understand why I felt empty

Because I have found you and I know that you're out there
The world just doesn't seem that bad of a place anymore

Thankful of our paths having crossed
Of those lips having kissed

Not worried about the destination
But blissful of the journey
Finding you
Instead of forever searching
I was set free

If you told me today
That you wouldn't be there tomorrow
I would hold you closer
And make every moment count
I would take you into my arms and not let go
I would slow down time
To make the moments last forever
If you told me today
That you wouldn't be there tomorrow
I would fight the moon and stars
So that tomorrow would never come
I would kidnap the sun
So that today could never run
And never let it set
Our moments together would last forever

When I met you
You were broken into a million pieces
Yet I still loved you
In your broken state

I never expected perfection or even wanted it
I accepted you for you
You were human
So very human

I held your heart
In your broken state
So very carefully

I held your hand
In your broken state
So very tenderly

I held you
In your broken state
As lovingly as I could
Because you needed to be loved

I gave you my heart
In your broken state
So you didn't have to feel so alone

In this world that breaks beautiful things
I still found you the most beautiful
In your broken state

Life is a trudging beast that isn't going to stop
For you or for anyone
It will go on and on
As the world turns
With or without you
So it's best to move on when you can
In the hopes that maybe you can catch up
And start living again

When I was younger
I dreamt of you
You were always but a dream
Until the day we met
And I learned that you were true

Made to learn
That a dream can end up a reality
Our paths were meant to cross
One in billions
Like winning the lottery

I can only appreciate the moments we shared
If even brief compared to everything else
I learned of the possibilities
Of what true happiness really is

You taught me to smile again
To be proud of who I am
To not doubt myself
And for that
I forever thank you

Every time she left my sight
I died inside a little each time
Whenever she gazed into my eyes
I was brought back to life once more

Sitting up late at night
Alone with my thoughts
Reflection mainly with a little bit of self torture
Taking responsibility for the mistakes I've made
Things I'd said that hurt others
Being inconsiderate of someone's heart

It wasn't just the bumps in the night that kept me awake
It was everything that I felt regret for
The walls I had built had started to break

Seeds of regret had been ignored for too long
Allowed to grow into inner demons
That robbed me of sleep
Stolen from me my inner peace

Sitting up late at night
Every night wondering
Will I ever fall asleep peaceably?
Will I ever be free
Of the demons that rob me?

So used to, I am now
Of carrying these burdens and this baggage with me
I wonder if I would ever know how to act
Without them breaking down my back

A sad world we live in
That just being a man
Can break you and keep you from something as natural as sleep
The wrongs we've committed and the regrets that we keep
Never forgotten but maybe forgiven
One day

Until then
I will sit up late at night
Spending time with a demon named regret

How absurd is it to believe in a thing called love?
It creates hope and despair
It could be for a certain band
Or the smell of someone's hair
It can get you killed
Or show you how to live
The hardest thing to try to define
Sometimes it can take a lifetime
It's tangible because you can feel it
You can see it
Taste it, touch it, smell it, and can hold it
You can hear it
We all know when it's gone
There are much more absurd things to believe in

Carrying a torch
Never being free
Lost and imprisoned
In love with a memory

Something that was lost long ago
Yet never being able to let go
Preventing you from opening up
Making a new start
Bound by the chains surrounding your heart

Although one day your body will give way
Their name will be the last on your breath
Your last thought will be of them
Until the day of your death

Although your light might go out and you yourself expire
Never will the torch
That carries that fire

I was so young and innocent at some point
I always felt that things weren't right
Watching grown people being broken

And now it's just the same
Yet knowing more and what it really takes to break someone
I can look back and now I understand
Why there are so many things that can break us

I know in my heart
That happiness is simple
It is so close
Within reach and right there for the picking
Yet, it maintains it's elusive quality

Sometimes, just a taste
To let you know what it is you're missing
Hello, it's me.  Had you forgotten?
Skeptical while it's felt
Not even letting it happen sometimes
What a **** shame
Too scared of being hurt
To let ourselves be happy

But yet it's there
Within reach
Ripe for the picking
Right in front of us

Never asking life to be easy
Knowing that everything will be tough sometimes

Being patient
And waiting and waiting

How long with this downturn
Of this rollercoaster ride take?

Waiting and waiting
Because things have to get better eventually

I keep working towards it
Doing what I feel is right

Being patient
And waiting and waiting
Telling myself tomorrow is a new day

Waking and wanting
A fresh start and another take
On this so called life

Some of us are destined for difficult lives
Because we feel pain and care
When others don't

If that is my role,
I accept it
In the meantime
I am being patient
And waiting and waiting

For tomorrow's fresh start

If I opened my soul
for you to see
Would you still want me?

If I needed a hug
when I was down
Would you turn my frown upside-down?

If I needed a romantic embrace
could I steal a kiss
Would you be mine to miss?

If I needed reassured
would you hold my hand?
Would you help me be a better man?

If I needed to not walk
on this earth alone
Would you give me a place in your heart to call my own?

Would you be mine
after listening to these words I've told
With you by my side
I have no fear of growing old