I've spent time with you
Around your friends
Alone
You seemed so great
Like you cared for me too
But it's all just a ******* lie
Isn't it?
You never really liked me
Did you?
.....
Didn't think so.

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Mystery
Happy Birthday to me
Finally turned eighteen
Let's light some candles
And I'll make a wish
On the count of three
One...
Two.....
Three...
*I wish I had never been born

I have this overwhelming urge
To jump in my car and drive
Chasing the sun to the ends of the Earth
Following the rainbow
Hoping it might lead me
To the *** of gold at the end
Praying the sun's rays
Might guide my journey
Lead me to the light
Sparkling in your eyes
I have this overwhelming urge
To chase the sun all the way
Straight into your arms

You ease my fears
Calm my worries
With your soft voice
Gentle touch
Tender kisses
You soothe my soul

Sometimes I daydream
Wonder what it'd be like
To just be next to you
Be able to reach over
And hold your hand
Look into your eyes
Maybe see something there
That would make me stay
Hope you feel the pull
Just as much as I do
But it's all just a daydream
You're miles away
Lost trying to find you
And I'm here alone
Daydreaming about you
What it would be like
To actually meet you
Be wrapped in your arms
For the first hug
Hear your voice
By my ear
Maybe you'll say something sweet
And I can grin at you
Oh God these daydreams
Are going to **** me
One of these days
But I do it anyways
Let myself pretend
That you'd be good for me
And good to me
Make believe that you see
How I feel
That I care about you
Instead of being blinded
By your choices and ignoring me
Cause that hurts the most
You're too busy
Partying, drinking, smoking
To see what's in front of you
That I have feelings too
So here's to the guy in LA
Who's too busy being a *******
To notice me

The day my walls crash down
And crumble on the ground at my feet
Will be the beginning of the end
You'll find your way in
Find every secret I try to hide
Uncover every fear I have
All my hopes and dreams exposed
Then one day you'll leave
Walk over the remains around my heart
As if I never meant a thing to you
It'll be so easy to do
To leave me devastated and destroyed
Surrounded by the ashes
Of the love you once felt for me
And you'll move on as if I never happened
I'll watch from afar
As someone else captures your attention
With a sparkle in your eyes
You will love her as you love me now
Crushing the few unbroken pieces
Of my heart, of my spirit
And I will still foolishly love you

I'll never be top choice
Never be number one
I won't be the most desired
But that's never what I wanted
I don't need everyone to love me
Or pick me first
I just wanted you to
Only you
And I thought maybe just maybe
But now I know the truth
I'll always be no one's favorite

Two years ago you loved me
Now you love her
And I love you
I always have
I always will
Two years didn't get rid of it
Other men didn't get rid of it
It's always there
In the back of my mind
The boy that became a man
The one I grew to love
And I loved you fiercely
Though I know I never
Expressed it well
And was afraid of many things
That part was real and unwavering
Three long years
That turned into ash and dust
Because I let you down
Failed to make you realize
My love was there
And it was strong
So strong that every time
I forgot why I was angry with you
And just wanted to hear from you
So strong that to this day
You are still my greatest love
But I guess none of that matters now
You moved on and found someone else
It's been two long years
Without you in my life
I wish I had never pushed you out
And I know that I sound crazy
That's fine
I think I took some of yours
Somewhere along the way
Don't mind my words too much
I'm just a little unsteady lately
A bit of a wreck
Can't take me seriously
Emotions going in every direction
Body telling me that I'm sick
Though it's only my mind in ruins
Right
Here I go again getting off track
I can't say that I'm happy for you
Because I'm not
I wish things were different
I wish that woman was me
I'm not happy that you found someone
To replace me so quickly
I'm not happy that you're going
To spend the rest of your life
Making someone else happy
But I am happy for your happiness
You deserve it

Bottle after bottle
Pulling me in
I'm drowning in the buzz
My life jacket in this misery
The only thing keeping me afloat
Under the crushing weight
Of my uselessness

A dance with a friend
He asked me
I asked him
I don't recall
But we danced
It was a slow dance
I looked at my best friend
Dancing with her boyfriend
I ran to the bathroom
To pull myself together
Don't cry
The makeup will run
I think in that moment
That I looked and saw them
I knew in my heart
I'd never find the one

pretty eyes
won't you let me in
past the walls
you've built around
your tender heart

I check for your poems
Every month, week, sometimes day
Hoping for a new release
I remember how close we once were
And how everything changed
It used to bother me but
Now it's just strange to remember
How we talked for hours on end
Trying to hold on to something
That I think we both knew would never work
I guess that's just how it goes
My old friend
I'm just too scared to say
Hey. I miss you

You said that I would forget
But you were wrong
I didn't forget you
Or what you meant to me
You're not just some guy I talked to
Who said he loves me
You are and forever will be
The second man I ever loved
You'll always be part of my past
Intertwined in my memories
Part of what made me who I am
And I'll never forget

Drowning in emotions
I just can't seem to get away from them
My life jacket nowhere to be found
Misery like a current
Pulling at my ankles
Letting go just long enough
For me to gasp for air
Before dragging me back under
Pressure crushing my lungs
I can't breathe

Not a mystery anymore
Just a broken soul
Added to your diary
People read about me a lot
You write about me too much
I tell my secrets to strangers
Open my heart to people I don't know
Maybe I shouldn't be so open
What happened to being a shut in
I guess it disappeared
Not a mystery
More an open book
Living for Dummies

I send you a message while you sleep
So that when you wake up
You'll know I was thinking about you
And at the end of the text
I leave a single heart emoji
Not because I want to tell you
That I love you
But because for me they are a symbol
Of affection and warmth
Just something to remind you
That I care about you

I dreamt about you last night
About us
Someone didn't want us together
So we took off
Planning our whole life
We were going to build a house
Start a little family
Our love was so real
And finally
FINALLY had a place
To grow and flourish
Living up to its full potential
And my god
It was beautiful

Fighting the words
Thrown in our faces
Running away
To secret places
Hiding from
The aim to ****
Confidence and esteem
Screams ringing shrill
Through the dense air
Filling my ears
With strong words
Only said in fear
Afraid to stand
In fear of falling
We don't hear
The guardians calling
Screaming out clearly
Yelling our names
Trying to save us
From these games
We band together
Silently as one
Fighting our bullies
Until the war is won

Feeling the warmth of the sun
Shining down on my face
The cool breeze blowing in my hair
Petrichor and the rain
Washing through me
The taste of freshly made desserts
Painting my taste buds with joy
Watercolors and acrylics
Paintings that turned out decent
Sketches not half bad
Small smiles on my face
Happy memories popping up
These things give me hope
That there is more
More than this numbness
I've grown so used to
They give me hope that one day
I won't have to hurt anymore
Hope that I can be free
To trust and love
Hope that I can live again

I miss you every day
Even when I'm not
Thinking about it
It's always there
In the back of my mind
Waiting for April
To force its way
To the front
Waiting for the chance
To be the center
Of my attention
And I read sad things
Sing sad songs
Write sad things
Because I can't help myself
I need to feel sad
Because if I don't
I'm afraid I won't
Be able to feel at all

Who can I turn to
When I feel like there's no one
Who will hear my words
When it feels like no one listens
Who will hold my hand
When it feels like no one even sees me
Who will hug me
When I can't seem to stop crying
Who will talk me through it
When I shake and rock
Who will wipe away my tears
When they flood down my face

I guess it's my turn now
Tag, you're it
Hey
I miss you
Our signature phrase
We crossed paths
At the wrong time
Not quite able to handle
The potential we had
Tag, you're it
I ran from you
Instead of being open
Honest about my feelings
An emotional game of hide and seek
Tag, you're it
I'm sorry I didn't
Trust you enough
Or trust what we had
Tag, you're it
My feelings never left me
Light bulbs never went out
I'll always love you
At least I think so
When I read
All the things we
Wrote to each other
Out of love
And spite
Tag, you're it
I wish things were different
But the past is the past
Can't change what's done
Tag, you're it
Now come and get me

You're pathetic
A cry baby
Never amounting to much
Worthless and useless
A waste of space
Obnoxiously selfish
Self-centered attention *****
You crave pity
And all eyes on you
Just stop whining
Long enough to **** yourself
You don't deserve life
Since you waste it
You're nothing special
Just an accident
Never meant to happen
Sincerely, yourself

It always starts with just a sip
Maybe a shot
Then the games begin
And I want it
The burning in my throat
The room keeps spinning
Round and round
I keep downing more and more
Prolonging the buzz
Until it's more than just a tingle

My brain says move
My body disobeys
I sleep
I don't eat
My smile is gone
My green eyes have faded
My skin has paled
My body has thinned
I am weak

Valentine's Day is not a
Day for those in love
To show their love
That's an everyday thing
It's a day for the lonely
Made to make them
Feel even more alone
To feel unloved
Unwanted
It's a day
To sell chocolate
That'll make them
Feel slightly better
Before it all gets worse

Sometimes I forget how well you write
Until I see your words
Laid out before me
You always seem to know exactly what to say
And when I read those words
I feel it
Leaving indents in my brain
Pumping blood through my body
I feel it with every inhale and exhale
My heart stops for a second
Your words paralyze me
And I search for you
Waiting for the next rush

It's not a competition
This idea you argue,
That someone has to have it worse,
Is only doing damage
To already broken people
There's no need for comparison
We all have problems
I trusted you with my secret
So that we could help each other,
Because what are we here for
If not one another,
It wasn't for you to judge me
Or tell me that your problems are worse
I didn't tell you
So you could make me feel bad
I came to you
In the confidence of friendship
Because I thought that you,
Of all people, would understand
Since you're dealing with your own issues
And I wouldn't feel so alone
I never realized I could be wrong
In thinking you had my back
But I surely won't make that mistake again
Why do you do this?
IT HAS TO STOP
We can't bully each other
About these illnesses
Fighting accomplishes nothing
And I will be the first to admit
That I need to work on who I am
But we all do
In our own different ways
Because the situations are not equal
Don't pretend that they are
My situation affects me
And yours affects you
Differently
It may seem like nothing to you
But it's breaking me down inside
Destroying my world
Swallowing me whole
And because of you
Because you would rather hurt me
Than help me
I only have two options
I can either figure it out on my own,
It wouldn't be the first time,
Or I can let it make me sick
So sick that I "look the part"
So no one can deny it anymore
But by then it will be too late
And I will only be an example
Of how no one cares
Until it's too late to help
So let's be a better example
For those of us to come

It started out
As something simple
Consenting adults
Enjoying each other's company
Nothing more
But things are changing for me
I used to only think
About how much you
Turned me on
Now when I think of you
I remember how it feels
When you put your hand
On my face, my back
I remember how it feels
When you kiss my forehead
And look me in the eyes
How it feels to just
Sit and talk with you
I remember every time
You put your arms around me
The little squeezes
I remember laying in bed
Looking at you
My hands tracing your face
Running across your chest
Up and down your arms
Now I'm not saying that
I'm falling in love or anything
But my feelings will only grow
And it might be a problem

Don't you stress my dear
Tears will fall
But you'll be okay I promise
These heartbreaks are your lessons
Teaching you what not to do
When you meet the right one
They are preparation
For the one you are meant for
And they are out there somewhere
Going through the same training
The same heartbreaks
Preparing for you
And when you meet
It will all have been worth it

Some people feel like rhyming is important
But I think they're blind to truth
The most beautiful poems
I have ever read in my life
Contain no planned rhymes
They're the words that pour out of you
Straight from that center in your body
That controls your emotions
When you write from that place
Your words speak to people
So write from there
Don't worry about if this word rhymes
With that one or whichever one

With paint covered fingers
The sky paints the sunset
Breathtakingly beautiful
Warming the souls
Of all who see it

Here's to you *******
For not understanding my anger
About your naked body joke
Because you'll never know
What it's like
For grown *** men
To talk about you like that
You'll never know what it's like
To have a man you saw
As a second father
Say sickening words to you
You'll never know what it's like
To be looked at like an object
For the word NO to have no meaning
Here's to you *******
For your lack of understanding
You'll never have to know
What it's like
To fear going out alone at night
To avoid dark places
To wonder if it will happen to you
To be taught
That you have to be careful
A man might drug you
And kidnap you
Or **** you
To be taught
That you're safer in numbers
You won't know how it feels
To not be taken seriously
Because all he did was
Grab your ***
Even though you didn't want it
Here's to you *******
For caring so much

I'M NOT OKAY
And I am so sick of pretending
That everything is fine
There is something wrong
I can feel it
I just don't know what it is yet

Every time I see your words
The ones that I know were meant for me
I remember the way it felt to read them
For the first time
I remember how much you meant them
And how much I meant my responses
Back when there was us
No label necessary
Just us
And I remember all of the things I've ever felt
All the love that poured out of me
The sadness and anger
The longing for you
And I relive the time
That I never want to forget

There are so many things
I want to say to you
But I don't have the guts
To hit the send button
Don't even know
What I would type out
Maybe tell you that
I love you
Or that I wish I
Had never walked away
Maybe that hearing
You're having a baby
Devastated me
It's my fault though
That you're engaged
Having a baby
While I sit and miss you
I regret not telling you
Exactly how I felt
When I had the chance
Because now we're
Different people
Living different lives

The curve of your lips
Is irresistible
I can't deny I want to taste them

The color of your eyes
Is magnificent
I can't deny they draw me in

Your joyous laugh
Is incredible
I can't deny I want to hear it next to me

Your beating heart
Is beautiful
I can't deny I want to steal it

Your sweet love
Is my weakness
I can't deny I miss it

Your kind forgiveness
Is absolutely amazing
I can't deny I wish on a star for it

You've always just assumed
That your love was one sided
There was no way I could
Ever return those feelings
And all this time
You've been so wrong about me
I've been afraid in the past
Of those feelings
Of what being with you would mean
But that fear went away
A long time ago
Replaced by the reality
That our lives went in different directions
That certain things don't work anymore
But none of that changes
The feelings that I had for you
That I have for you
That I'll always have for you

I don't know how to say this
But I might as well try
Unfortunately this is the end
No more poems to read
Mystery Girl is running away
I just can't do it anymore
Putting my heart out there
I never should've posted
Let you see pieces of me
I hate to leave you hanging
But it's time to say goodbye

Slowly wrap your arms around me
Gently hold me close to you
So that I might feel your heartbeat
Through your favorite t-shirt
Let it calm my violent tears
Soothe my hurting heart
Take care of my soul please
Because I can't do it myself

You've read it all before
Said you'd be there
But when I quit
It's like you vanished
You'll probably read this
I don't care anymore
No one really sees it
What's right in your faces
The cries for help
And tears spilled
Every suicidal thought
That runs in my head
Maybe you think
It's just how I write
But I write my heart
And it's crying out
Has been for a long time
Just no one hears it
The silent sobbing
Hidden away from public
My heart cries out
Save me
Don't go
Just try
Please
Try to save me

What do I say
When I can't find words
Unsure how to respond
My heart is failing
To give me direction
Have I made
The right decisions
Is this how I'll feel
For the rest of my life
So unsure of myself

There's a storm raging in my eyes
And with it comes a force so strong
It'll knock you off your feet
So be careful
I'll destroy you if you aren't
Don't get too close
It might blow you away
My misty gale

I'm so confused by you
You give me signs that you like me
Then it's like I don't exist
I'm so lost in this maze
Of feelings and ****
Get me the hell out of here
What did you do to me
It's just supposed to be a little crush
But you just keep mixing me up
How did I get here
**** I'm really lost now
In the maze of mind
The one you dropped in on me
Out of absolutely nowhere
Thanks *******
I really appreciate this *******

I sat in a dark space alone
And sobbed
I watched blood seep through my jeans
I realized how worthless I am
I decided that it's got to end

Last night I watched my own heart break
I watched as it slipped out of your hands
Fell to the concrete sidewalk right in front of me
Shattered, pieces scattering
Trying to hunt them all down as you walk away
Pretending nothing ever happened
I stoop down to carefully retrieve the tiny shards
Ouch.....I think one got me
Throw it in the box and keep going
My blood smudging a few pieces
Sighing as I double check for missed shrapnel
Doesn't look like there's any left
Head out on my not so merry way
I've been prepared for this
Pull out the super glue
Trying to figure out which piece is which
Where does this one go?
Ouch.....another one got me
Deeper this time
Pretend it never happened and keep working
Piecing together what's left of my heart
Finally placing the last piece
It looks nothing like my heart
Unless you stare for a few minutes
Then the recognition hits
This is it now
There's no going back to change it
I have to be extra careful
Might put it on a shelf
Display it as an example not to trust anyone

You set fire to my soul
When I thought I was lost
Brightened my whole world
Warmed every square inch
Of my ice block heart
You thawed me inside out
Put a light in my eyes
The sparkle I thought I lost
Then burned the whole thing
Threw it in the flames
They destroyed me
I went up in flames
Charring my once thawed heart
Burning it to a crisp
Unsalvageable
You lit a match and
Dropped it in the gasoline
Igniting everything
Like the pyromaniac you are

We are hope for others
To carry on
Taking their burdens
And making them our own
Holding their pain
So they don't feel it
Sharing the weight
Allowing them to be free
But buried beneath the weight
We struggle to stay alive
Always being beaten down
Cracking under the sheer pressure
We don't know how long
This will last
Our instincts tell us to fight
While our mentality says surrender
Grasp our hands
Let us be your hope
Bring us your burdens
We'll whisper to you
You're not alone

You don't know loneliness
Until you've sat outside
In your car in the pouring rain
Because the house you live in
Isn't your home anymore
Until there's another woman
Where your mom once stayed
Until you hear her moving through the house
The way your mom did
Until you realize it's not a comfort to hear it
Something once so familiar
It's painful
A reminder that she's gone
Because it's not her
Not the one you want it to be
It's her replacement
Her wannabe
Your father's fiance
He forced into your life
Long before you were ready
You don't know loneliness
Until you'd rather sleep in your car
Than go back in that house you used to call home
When your family was whole

The other night my aunt told me something
She told me I'm strong
I've let myself be brought down by a man
And she told me I'm stronger than that
So I have something to say to you in return
You are stronger than anything you go through
You will make it out
Just believe in yourself and flourish
Blow the world away with your power
With your strength and courage and love
Make your mark on the world
And be proud while you do
You're amazing and beautiful
Love yourself and love everything you do
Don't be afraid to show who you really are
Don't hide behind lame *** excuses
Just go for it
Let your strength show
Pick yourself up out of bed
Here, take my hand and I'll help you up
We can do it together if it helps
Any time you need me I'm here
Because even though you are strong
You don't always have to be
I've got your back