Wide awake
Left alone with my thoughts
Music playing softly
Free to let my mind wander
To feel everything
And cry if needed
The most inspiring time
If you happen to be awake

Just an unhappy reminder
Of a miserable time
A hurting soul
On an empty Mother's Day
With no mother to celebrate
For the first time
In 18 years
Just an unhappy reminder
Of another Valentine's Day
Spent working
With no one to celebrate
Being in love with
Or even just being with
Another useless year
With an empty heart

I have this desire
Burning fiercely
Telling me to
Drop everything here
Transfer and move
Far up north
Away from my life
Ignoring phone calls
And text messages
From my loved ones
When they question
What happened to me
But I don't have answers
Only the desire
To change everything
Start a whole new life
My body is screaming now
GO
BE BETTER
CHANGE YOUR LIFE

Things were so easy when we were young
Now everything is so stressful
And I'm afraid you took it the wrong way
When I said I liked you better before
I probably said it wrong but it's too late now
I can't take it back
But I want you to know that my words are real
Just like I know yours are
And I'm sorry
I didn't really mean it the way it came out
Just a little frustrated is all
Partying when I kept checking for a message
Waiting and hoping for hours
Then finally giving up and saying goodbye
Waking up to see that message
It made me mad
I was stupid enough to hope you had changed a bit
To think maybe you had
But I realized I was wrong
It frustrated me
Please don't ignore me again
Or forget me
I want you around
Friends for now and maybe more later on
You were right about one thing
To go back and forth we had to feel something
I know you do and I hope now
You know that I do too
Because all of this is stressing me out

Goodbye my friend
Could I even call you that
You did stand by me
But it's hard not to
You're not real
And I'm growing up
Watching you fade away
The tears in my eyes
Screaming for you to stay
Don't leave me
You're the only one I trust
But you're fading away
And there's nothing I can do
I'll miss you
I'll always love you
My imaginary friend

It has been four months
To the **** day
Since you posted last
And I find myself
Searching your name
Trying to find a new
Piece of you
Written somewhere on
This ******* site
I must be pathetic
It's been so long since
We even talked to each other
And we've both
Moved on with our lives
What the hell am I doing
Desiring your words
Like never before

I've known you for years
We were friends as first
But feelings grew
You told me things
I refused to believe
But I fell just the same
Scared to tell you
Afraid you would leave
For someone better
Or that you were lying
Took me a long time to tell you
How I felt
But when I did
It was the most wonderful feeling
To hear you say it back
And you scared me
How different you were
Than what I was used to
How open you were about things
That I was so shy about
Things I had never experienced
I was waiting for
It made me nervous
I thought you would get bored of me
And my boring life
I didn't know how to be
And by the time I had grown
Experienced things
It was too late
I had already ruined what we had
You were the greatest love I ever had
And I want to apologize
I never lead you on
Lied to you about my feelings
I just wasn't ready
For the love you had to give
I wish things were different
I changed
Grew up
Became someone ready
To accept the physical love
With the emotional
And I miss you
A tremendous amount
But it doesn't matter
I lost you
You're gone because I
Pushed you away
And I know apologies never
Meant anything for us
But I am so sorry
For every ounce of doubt
I put in your mind
Every bit of pain I ever caused you
And I am so happy for you
That you found someone
To spend your life with
I wish you the best of luck and happiness

Her shaky hands with
Fading, chipped nail polish
Reaching slowly towards her cup
Wrapping her slender fingers
Around the warm mug
Steam rising from the top
Slowly and cautiously
Lifting it towards her
Fearing she might drop it
Steam engulfing her pale face
As she takes a gentle sip
Lips pressing firmly
Around the rim of the mug
And when she puts it down
She spills a little
Hurrying to wipe it up
Ignoring the lipstick print
Her smooth lips left on the rim

I took a shower in the dark today
Fully clothed under the warm water
Let it soak through every piece
Running down my face
As I sobbed
Screaming
I had an emotional breakdown today
All of my emotions pouring out of me
Every ounce of sadness and pain
Leaving my dry throat
Painful echos of the screams
Of my mother's death
I hurt myself again today
Let my anger and pain take over
Pulling out my beautiful blade
Let it run down my arms again and again
Leaving angry red lines
I left purple and yellow spots
I gave up today
Stopped holding it all in
For a couple of lonely hours
Left my sanity somewhere
Down the bathtub drain
There it goes

Late at night I think of you
Your eyes
Your voice
Your smile
And these words
Pour from my pens
You my darling
Are my midnight inspiration
The thoughts that pop up
As I'm trying to sleep
The ones that make me
Turn the lights back on
Repeating the words so I don't forget
The ones I write twelve times
Twelve different ways
Just to find the right combination
You're the ideas I scribble
As they drift in one by one
The bits and pieces I think of
Every now and again
The reason I can write again
And you don't have a clue
That you my dear
Are my midnight inspiration

My heart has been acting up
There's a rattle
A little smoke coming out
Something is wrong with it
Maybe some loose screws
A crack or two
It could be overheated
Possibly needs an oil change
I think I need a
Profesional opinion
Could you check it out
Let me know what's wrong

February 14th
Another day in another year
Same old thing
Always lonely
Wasting my day with
Stupid games and movies
Wishing, hoping
Maybe it'll be different this year
But it never is

They say your eyes are windows to your soul
Well I got blackout curtains
My feelings will not get out
I got soundproof walls
This is the end of it
No more peeping toms
Or ears pressed to doors
No one will ever know
What hides inside of me
Me secrets and my past
Are mine and mine alone now
Those who know will know
But those who know nothing
Will be left in the dark
With the bright exterior I will display

Help me see beauty in the world
Put a smile on my face
Bring out the side of me I thought I'd never see again
Are everything I need
Have beauty inside and out
Shine brighter than the sun
Give me hope and joy
Burn in the back of my mind
Are my saving grace
Are my savior
I love you

You'll be a treasure
Deep in my heart
A secret gift
Unhidden from the world
I'll show you off
Give you my all
Try to make you happy
I will love you
Until this day arrives

I am a stepping stone
Worn and *****
You cross my path
On your way to
Bigger and better things
It might take a while
But never worry
You'll get there
I will help you take those steps
Bringing smiles to your face
Until you don't need me anymore
And you'll continue to the next

Broken glass
Across the floor
The plate I threw
Shattered at the door
Don't come knocking
To see if I'm okay
I'll get better
Maybe one day
But for right now
I'm perfectly fine
The emotion is gone
It's about time
I clean up my mess
From my break
And hope tonight
My soul you'll take
Leave me emotionless
To do no harm
I'd hurt myself
With no lucky charm
To keep me alive
My broken sanity
Lying somewhere
Deep inside me

Shout it from mountaintops
Let it be known by all
That you cannot be broken
You're no porcelain doll
There is a strength in you
Never before seen
A fire burning so fiercely
It cannot be extinguished
You are a force to be reckoned with

This year passing
Leaves me much more pleasantly
Than two years before
But I find myself here
As the day comes to an end
Wondering about you
Because I still care
And never wanted it to end like this
So here I go again
Lurking in these shadows
Mere hours before the day ends
My 20th birthday

Let me tell you about my bad days
They pop up out of nowhere
In the middle of a laugh
Or maybe a joke
In the middle of an adventure
It just hits
Like running into a brick wall full force
Leaving me breathless
Gasping for just an ounce of oxygen
And it feels like running into a brick wall
Would hurt less
I lose all motivation to do anything
Wishing I could just lay back
And pretend I don't exist
Maybe have a plane fall out of the sky
Putting me out of my misery
Thinking every thought that has run
Through my head millions of times before
Every thought of death and pain
Every daydream of dying over and over
Sixty different ways
Sometimes with no idea why
All of this pain out of nowhere
For absolutely no reason
Hoping someone might see it and recognize
Pull me away from depression's cold grip
These are bad days
They are not beautiful they are dark
Cold, bleak, filled with pain
Don't romanticize it or wish for it
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

I'm happy that everyone is
Lost in the loveliness of their own lives
I'm happy that there's so much good
For the people that I care so much about
I'm happy that some people still feel
The pleasure of joy
Instead of being stuck in pits of misery
And sadness
I'm happy that some have gotten out of misery
And found their way to something much better
I'm happy that everyone is so........
Happy
Even though I'm not

I called you because you didn't
Though you said you would
I was waiting
Happy as can be
Excited to talk to you again
Mad because you forgot
You forgot and didn't call
Had a drink instead
That hurt more than
Anything had in a whIle
I realized how ridiculous I was
To be your valentine
To let you in my heart in any way
Not that it matters anymore
Doesn't matter I thought
It could have been good for us
To have someone else
That I didn't care about
How messed up you were
It never mattered to me
All that mattered
Was the potential I saw in you
But it doesn't matter now

Everyone is alone
Everyone is empty
People no longer need others
There's always a replacement
A back up plan
Relationships have a Plan B
And I'm bored
Of the world this way

Lust in her eyes
She'll give you a show
Exactly what you want to see
Something sweet
Just a little treat
Draw you in
When she starts to move
Something soft and sultry
She'll set the seductress inside free

She's sitting out in the courtyard
Holding a cigarette between her slim fingers
Chipped red nail polish
Shaking hands
Reading the worn out pages
Of her dog eared book
Concentrating on each page
Like her life depends on it
And it does
She clings to the words trying
Not to hold on to her broken heart
Tucking her hair behind her ear
She turns to the next page
Shaking, taking another draw
Such pain in the way she sits
Curled in upon herself
Blocking out the world
No one approaches her
She sits alone

Quiet
Thinking about why I'm here
Listening as the world crumbles
Lonely
I've pushed everyone away
For reasons unknown to even me
Broken
Hurt by things I've seen
And past experiences
Scarred
By the blade I put to my skin
Marked by the words repeated in my head
Hopeless
I've given up on finding help
Nothing has worked and nothing will
Depressed
Not because I am sad
But because I feel there is no reason for my existence

I walk outside and all I see
Are the surrounding houses
I can't see miles out
My home is a hilly place
Surrounded by mountains
Leaves turn to red and orange
Setting the trees on fire
For a couple of weeks
Before they all fall down
Leaving bare branches and gray skies
Such hope when there was 60 degree weather
In the middle of December
Then January hit and so did the snow
Gone in a couple of days
Then there are more nice days
That turn to rain
And when you start seeing green it's time
Mosquitos come running
To munch on you all day
Better get some bug spray
Spring brings the bees
Flying everywhere you go
Wasps all over and in your car
Days get longer, hotter
Swimming pools used frequently
Nights are warm too
Everything is great
Then the real heat hits
Sweat dripping down nearly every face
Soaking through t-shirts
Sandals everywhere
Shorts galore
Girls in barely anything
Men going shirtless on occasion
Mowing the yard or going for a run
Air conditioning and ice tea
Grills going on the weekends
Then it starts to cool down
Leaves change once more
Setting the trees on fire again
Home state seasons

A shot of Jack
Hint of death
Pinch of wrist cutting
Sprinkle of suicidal thoughts
Dash of anger too
You call it
The cocktail of chaos
Doesn't sound too good for you
But you say it's perfect for you
Even if you die in the end
But every life is valuable
You're alive for a reason
You say your reason died
A long time ago
But I believe you
Can do amazing things
Create beautiful art
With the words you speak

I'm watching you live your life from afar
Trying not to show back up
I don't want to bother you
Just make sure you're okay
Silently screaming
Sighing
I never wanted it to be like this
Pretending you don't exist
Hoping you'll never know I'm here
But hoping you will too
Hoping that maybe you're checking too
Lurking in the shadows

Pressure building
Shaking fizzy drinks
In an air tight bottle
It's bound to blow one day
The lid is ******* on too tight
You can't let air out
So it keeps building
Getting harder to hold it in
BAM
There's the explosion
The angry words
Pour out of my mouth
Screaming and yelling
Throat getting sore
No energy left to fight
I fall to tears
Crying and sobbing
Letting everything out

I don't think you tried hard enough
Celebrating lonely nights
You could have had another
Random 2 hour conversation
If you had just picked up the phone
All you had to do was call
Talk to me
But you didn't
And all this is
Is back and forth
I don't believe your feelings
And I don't know my own
The world can watch all they want
You could shout from the mountains
And I still don't think I'd believe you
You'll probably always be another ****** bag
A little more than a little
And the fall in love part
I don't think happened
Don't know if it ever will
But good luck changing
Trying to be a man
A woman would be proud to love
You're probably going to need it
But so what if I'm stubborn
It makes me less likely to get hurt again
And all this back and forth
Ought to tell you
That you don't be me that well
So you can't tell me
You know what I feel

We fight to stop fighting
We scream to stop screaming
We **** to stop killing
We wait to stop waiting
We run to stop running
We are flawed
We are imperfect
We have insecurities
We feel hate, envy, and pride
We take without giving
We act before we think
But we live without limits
We learn everyday
We laugh at all volumes
We reach for the stars
And we love unconditionally

Emotions and feelings
Everything gets jumbled up
One word confused for another
Stuttering when you
Can't remember the right word
When you get so mad you can't speak
But if you write it all down
It gets so much simpler
Your words come out smoothly
Stuttering is merely pausing
But when you go back and read it
The words flow smoothly
No friction as you get angrier
Just one word after the other
Come to think of it
Everything seems to be
Simpler on paper

If you knew me you'd be able to tell
That something is wrong
Short and generic responses
Sometimes not saying anything
Any hint I'm not doing great?

Everything alright??

It took you long enough to ask.

To get the notification
My poem is trending
Makes me happy oh so happy
People actually do read it
Some truly do enjoy it
I feel good enough
Like I'm good at something for once
I get proud of myself like
I've never been before
When I talk about my writing it's always
"I write really dumb poems and post them
On this website that I found."
Never really positive
Not that it matters much to me
You give me the positive feedback
That I can never give myself
And I am grateful for it all

Reaching out in darkness
Only to find I'm grasping air
You're not there anymore
To comfort me as I awake
From the nightmares that
Make my skin crawl with
Thousands of fire ants
You're no longer there to
Hold my hand as I walk
Thrugh the fire in my mind
I can't quite reach you anymore
You've ventured just past my
Cold, shaking fingertips
I'm hopelessly in love
But I threw it away for
Something that was a waste
I'd give anything at all
To have you back in my life
And call you mine
For as long as you'll have me
To love you like I should have before

I sit here numb
Take a drink of water
Look back at the camera
No one knows I'm back here
Almost on the verge of tears
Been this way all day
No idea why
It just took over
I thought I was better
What went wrong

This body of mine can't take it
For very much longer
My bones ache
Muscles are sore and worn
Bags under my eyes
I look tired
Well, I am
My heart grows weaker
Beating sporadically
Lost feeling in my hand now
Gripping dreams too tightly
Time to open my hand
Stretch the muscles
Relax and let go
Let my weary soul be free

I'm breaking
And breaking
And breaking
From pain
And hate
And words
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me
Words said as children
So it wouldn't hurt
And break, break
Break us
But it did
The words
And looks
And abuse
No matter the kind
Now look
We're breaking
And breaking
And breaking
From the pain
And hate
And words
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me
We see now
It's all a lie
To make us feel
Just a little better
But the truth always
Shows in the end
And we see
We were simply
Foolish
And now
I'm here
And I'm breaking
And breaking
And breaking

Sometimes I feel like the only way to name your poems
Is with an eleven word title
Cause it's the only thing that will make any sense
One or two maybe even three words just isn't enough
To express what you want it to
You can't express what you mean and what the poem means
But then at the same time I don't want to be a bother
Making anyone read a title that long
But I guess I'll make an exception just this once

Not really living
Or existing
Just kind of here
More like stuck
No way out of this
Trapped in the mind maze
Can't find my way out
To enter the real world
It gets old sometimes
Wandering these empty halls
Nothing written on the walls
No notices posted
Or warnings to tell you
The misery you'll find
If you look too closely
Into the dark and creepy
Abandoned old rooms

Honey I didn't recognize my fear
Until you invaded my dreams
I woke with new realizations
Of the fears burning in my heart
I never meant to do this to you
Turn you into someone
Unrecognizable
Make you so paranoid
You were never a distraction
I'm so sorry I made you feel that way
You were my favorite part
Your phone calls spreading a smile
Across my face
Hearing your voice
I can't apologize enough

Scarring the perfect skin
I will never be the same
My soul is breaking
I need this pain
Something snapped in me
I have twisted desires
Abuse is never enough
Hate burning like a fire
I long to destroy myself
I don't let myself feel
My body aches holding it in
None of this is even real

I'll love you for as long as I can
Until the end of the world
Until the summer becomes winter
And winter becomes summer
Until the sun stops shining
But maybe a better way to say it
Is that I'll love you my dear
Until February 31st

Hiding behind a smile
She is broken
Losing everyone she loves
Everything's falling apart
She stays silent
While fights errupt
Wishing to help
But afraid to speak
Nights filled with tears
And days hidden behind smiles

Tell me why
I should fight
I should try
Tell me why
I shouldn't give up
I shouldn't disappear
Tell me why
I should trust you
I should hold on
Tell me why
I shouldn't let go
I shouldn't die
Give me one reason

Flutter your wings
Fly far away
Get out of this place
Come back another day
Let your colors show
But know how to hide
The predators will chase you
Trying to get inside
They'll try to break you
Don't let them through
Let all your colors show
And simply be you

You
Why did you do it
Kiss me and tell me you like me
Spend so much time with me
Make me like you so much
Just to turn around
And I don't know
I saw her
The girl you called babe
I would have waited
As long as you needed
Been here as your friend
Regardless of what happened
But I feel betrayed
You said you liked me
But called her babe
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Crying
Because I can't open apple juice
Thinking
About every flaw I have
Dwelling
On all the things wrong in my life
Drowning
In the tears of the past
Suffocating
On the air I try to breathe in
Dying
Because it's all killing me

What has my life become
One grandparent
Living with cancer
No mother
Heart attack took her
Just like her mom
Fights with my dad
Escalating to more
Than any of us need
Missing uncle
Cancer finally got what it wanted
What's next?
My father?
HOW MANY MORE DO WE HAVE TO LOSE?
HOW MANY MORE WILL YOU TAKE FROM US BEFORE YOU'RE HAPPY?
HOW MANY MORE DO YOU HAVE TO BREAK?
I'm sorry for yelling
But I can't handle all of this
You took two in a matter of months
My own mother and my uncle
It doesn't make any sense
WHY DOES MY FAMILY HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH?