I'm watching you live your life from afar
Trying not to show back up
I don't want to bother you
Just make sure you're okay
Silently screaming
Sighing
I never wanted it to be like this
Pretending you don't exist
Hoping you'll never know I'm here
But hoping you will too
Hoping that maybe you're checking too
Lurking in the shadows

Wide awake
Left alone with my thoughts
Music playing softly
Free to let my mind wander
To feel everything
And cry if needed
The most inspiring time
If you happen to be awake

Just an unhappy reminder
Of a miserable time
A hurting soul
On an empty Mother's Day
With no mother to celebrate
For the first time
In 18 years
Just an unhappy reminder
Of another Valentine's Day
Spent working
With no one to celebrate
Being in love with
Or even just being with
Another useless year
With an empty heart

Lust in her eyes
She'll give you a show
Exactly what you want to see
Something sweet
Just a little treat
Draw you in
When she starts to move
Something soft and sultry
She'll set the seductress inside free

I'll never be top choice
Never be number one
I won't be the most desired
But that's never what I wanted
I don't need everyone to love me
Or pick me first
I just wanted you to
Only you
And I thought maybe just maybe
But now I know the truth
I'll always be no one's favorite

Here's to you *******
For not understanding my anger
About your naked body joke
Because you'll never know
What it's like
For grown *** men
To talk about you like that
You'll never know what it's like
To have a man you saw
As a second father
Say sickening words to you
You'll never know what it's like
To be looked at like an object
For the word NO to have no meaning
Here's to you *******
For your lack of understanding
You'll never have to know
What it's like
To fear going out alone at night
To avoid dark places
To wonder if it will happen to you
To be taught
That you have to be careful
A man might drug you
And kidnap you
Or **** you
To be taught
That you're safer in numbers
You won't know how it feels
To not be taken seriously
Because all he did was
Grab your ***
Even though you didn't want it
Here's to you *******
For caring so much

Shout it from mountaintops
Let it be known by all
That you cannot be broken
You're no porcelain doll
There is a strength in you
Never before seen
A fire burning so fiercely
It cannot be extinguished
You are a force to be reckoned with

You set fire to my soul
When I thought I was lost
Brightened my whole world
Warmed every square inch
Of my ice block heart
You thawed me inside out
Put a light in my eyes
The sparkle I thought I lost
Then burned the whole thing
Threw it in the flames
They destroyed me
I went up in flames
Charring my once thawed heart
Burning it to a crisp
Unsalvageable
You lit a match and
Dropped it in the gasoline
Igniting everything
Like the pyromaniac you are

You have the brightest
Biggest, most blue eyes
I think I've ever seen
And I think that
I'm drowning in them
Falling for you

Her shaky hands with
Fading, chipped nail polish
Reaching slowly towards her cup
Wrapping her slender fingers
Around the warm mug
Steam rising from the top
Slowly and cautiously
Lifting it towards her
Fearing she might drop it
Steam engulfing her pale face
As she takes a gentle sip
Lips pressing firmly
Around the rim of the mug
And when she puts it down
She spills a little
Hurrying to wipe it up
Ignoring the lipstick print
Her smooth lips left on the rim

She's sitting out in the courtyard
Holding a cigarette between her slim fingers
Chipped red nail polish
Shaking hands
Reading the worn out pages
Of her dog eared book
Concentrating on each page
Like her life depends on it
And it does
She clings to the words trying
Not to hold on to her broken heart
Tucking her hair behind her ear
She turns to the next page
Shaking, taking another draw
Such pain in the way she sits
Curled in upon herself
Blocking out the world
No one approaches her
She sits alone

You
Why did you do it
Kiss me and tell me you like me
Spend so much time with me
Make me like you so much
Just to turn around
And I don't know
I saw her
The girl you called babe
I would have waited
As long as you needed
Been here as your friend
Regardless of what happened
But I feel betrayed
You said you liked me
But called her babe
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

This body of mine can't take it
For very much longer
My bones ache
Muscles are sore and worn
Bags under my eyes
I look tired
Well, I am
My heart grows weaker
Beating sporadically
Lost feeling in my hand now
Gripping dreams too tightly
Time to open my hand
Stretch the muscles
Relax and let go
Let my weary soul be free

Let me tell you about my bad days
They pop up out of nowhere
In the middle of a laugh
Or maybe a joke
In the middle of an adventure
It just hits
Like running into a brick wall full force
Leaving me breathless
Gasping for just an ounce of oxygen
And it feels like running into a brick wall
Would hurt less
I lose all motivation to do anything
Wishing I could just lay back
And pretend I don't exist
Maybe have a plane fall out of the sky
Putting me out of my misery
Thinking every thought that has run
Through my head millions of times before
Every thought of death and pain
Every daydream of dying over and over
Sixty different ways
Sometimes with no idea why
All of this pain out of nowhere
For absolutely no reason
Hoping someone might see it and recognize
Pull me away from depression's cold grip
These are bad days
They are not beautiful they are dark
Cold, bleak, filled with pain
Don't romanticize it or wish for it
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

I sit here numb
Take a drink of water
Look back at the camera
No one knows I'm back here
Almost on the verge of tears
Been this way all day
No idea why
It just took over
I thought I was better
What went wrong

I thought I was better
Laughing and smiling
It didn't feel like I had to pretend
It was all real
I was happy again
For the first time in years
I didn't have any worries
I looked forward to so many things
But here I am
Sitting alone and crying
What happened to me
I thought I was better
But here I am
Wishing I didn't feel because
Being numb is better than pain
Better than sorrow and tears
Better than this depression

There's a storm raging in my eyes
And with it comes a force so strong
It'll knock you off your feet
So be careful
I'll destroy you if you aren't
Don't get too close
It might blow you away
My misty gale

This is it
It feels like the end
Everything changes now
It's the last chance I'll have
To see you
The last goodbye
Let's make it last
Dance under the stars
By the fireside
Just once more
Hold each other closely
Feel your heartbeat against my chest
Pounding like it always does
This is the last night we have
Let's make it count
Count the stars illuminating the sky
Lay on the roof of my car
Wrapped together in a blanket
Be together in silence
This is it
It's almost over now
Putting out the fire
Gathering the blankets
Packing up my car
Here it goes
The last hug I'll ever get from you
I'm beginning to shake
I'm sobbing too hard
You can't seem to get me in your arms
Quite fast enough
Pulling me in tight
Holding me like you always do
Oh how I'll miss this
More than anything
This is it
Time to go now
I don't want to leave your warm embrace
You don't want me to go anywhere
But it has to be done
I have to go
It's the end of our time together
The last time I'll look into your eyes
And tell you that
I love you forever and always
We're both crying now
And we go our separate ways
I look back and see you doing the same
And we stand there for a while
Admiring each other
Memorizing every detail of the other
Holding on as long as we can
The sun starts to rise and I turn away
Not looking back again
This has to be the end
And I leave the parking lot
Speeding away so you can't catch me
All the way home
Our last night will always be my favorite
And I thought of you as I drifted to sleep
Knowing I wouldn't wake up again

Honey I didn't recognize my fear
Until you invaded my dreams
I woke with new realizations
Of the fears burning in my heart
I never meant to do this to you
Turn you into someone
Unrecognizable
Make you so paranoid
You were never a distraction
I'm so sorry I made you feel that way
You were my favorite part
Your phone calls spreading a smile
Across my face
Hearing your voice
I can't apologize enough

First of all
I love you
Second of all
That scares me
I don't think I've ever
Been this in love with someone
In my entire life
And it scares me **** less
Third of all
It hurts like hell
You're so far away
I hate distance
You never know what's happening
On the other side
You never know if you'll meet them
Whether it be weeks from now
Or years from now
There are too many things that could
Possibly go wrong
With such a distance
It's not that I don't love you
That I'm not madly in love with you
Believe me I am
It's that I'm afraid
And I'm not ready for the distance again

I dreamt of you last night
For the first time
And now my heart aches
I miss you
I would apologize for the way I've
Behaved lately but I know
Sorry means nothing
And I know you won't forgive me

A pack of cigarettes
A bottle of Jack
Maybe even a joint
What should I try first
Anything to forget
Lose myself in the high
Numb myself to these feelings
Pretend they don't exist
Ignore the problems

I took a shower in the dark today
Fully clothed under the warm water
Let it soak through every piece
Running down my face
As I sobbed
Screaming
I had an emotional breakdown today
All of my emotions pouring out of me
Every ounce of sadness and pain
Leaving my dry throat
Painful echos of the screams
Of my mother's death
I hurt myself again today
Let my anger and pain take over
Pulling out my beautiful blade
Let it run down my arms again and again
Leaving angry red lines
I left purple and yellow spots
I gave up today
Stopped holding it all in
For a couple of lonely hours
Left my sanity somewhere
Down the bathtub drain
There it goes

You don't know loneliness
Until you've sat outside
In your car in the pouring rain
Because the house you live in
Isn't your home anymore
Until there's another woman
Where your mom once stayed
Until you hear her moving through the house
The way your mom did
Until you realize it's not a comfort to hear it
Something once so familiar
It's painful
A reminder that she's gone
Because it's not her
Not the one you want it to be
It's her replacement
Her wannabe
Your father's fiance
He forced into your life
Long before you were ready
You don't know loneliness
Until you'd rather sleep in your car
Than go back in that house you used to call home
When your family was whole

Calling and calling
There's no answer
Never is
Probably never will be
No chance to explain
Get this sorted out
Can't fix these problems
You won't pick up
Please just pick up
I want to resolve this
Don't send me to voice mail
Not again
Just answer this time
So we can clean up this mess

Let it go
Push until you can't anymore
Strive to be the best
To be YOUR best
Don't rely on help
Help yourself
Push through it all
You can do it
I know you can
I believe in you

Deep thoughts and cautious words
Sharing secrets and feelings
Talking about anything and everything
It's all gone now
This has to be one of the most awkward
Half hour conversations I've ever had
Seems there's nothing to say
Is the spark gone?
Did the connection disintegrate?

Not a mystery anymore
Just a broken soul
Added to your diary
People read about me a lot
You write about me too much
I tell my secrets to strangers
Open my heart to people I don't know
Maybe I shouldn't be so open
What happened to being a shut in
I guess it disappeared
Not a mystery
More an open book
Living for Dummies

I've spent time with you
Around your friends
Alone
You seemed so great
Like you cared for me too
But it's all just a ******* lie
Isn't it?
You never really liked me
Did you?
.....
Didn't think so.

Can we just
Slow down
Going 90 in a 35
Pushing to get there
But what about here
Enjoy where you are
Don't try to be first
Can we just
Slow down
Stop to smell the roses
Sight see a little
Before we move on
Take a few steps back
I'm not going yet
It's all too fast
Can we just
Slow down
I'm moving at my own pace
Turtle pace
Taking my time
Trying to enjoy myself
Before it's too late
Can we just
Slow down
I don't want this
Rushing and speeding
Take a few hundred
Steps the opposite direction
Can we just
Slow down
Leave it where it started

Last night I watched my own heart break
I watched as it slipped out of your hands
Fell to the concrete sidewalk right in front of me
Shattered, pieces scattering
Trying to hunt them all down as you walk away
Pretending nothing ever happened
I stoop down to carefully retrieve the tiny shards
Ouch.....I think one got me
Throw it in the box and keep going
My blood smudging a few pieces
Sighing as I double check for missed shrapnel
Doesn't look like there's any left
Head out on my not so merry way
I've been prepared for this
Pull out the super glue
Trying to figure out which piece is which
Where does this one go?
Ouch.....another one got me
Deeper this time
Pretend it never happened and keep working
Piecing together what's left of my heart
Finally placing the last piece
It looks nothing like my heart
Unless you stare for a few minutes
Then the recognition hits
This is it now
There's no going back to change it
I have to be extra careful
Might put it on a shelf
Display it as an example not to trust anyone

I won't ever be the beautiful little flower
You had sitting on display
I think I finally broke
After being dropped too many times
Shattered into a hundred pieces
Let's try to pick them up
Put them back together
Almost like a puzzle
Wait, don't forget the super glue
Is this even working?
Where does this piece go?
Ouch...that hurt
Some of these are sharp
Careful now
Be gentle not to hurt yourself
Okay there we go
I think that's the last one
Not quite like before
But you know, I think I like it better

If you knew me you'd be able to tell
That something is wrong
Short and generic responses
Sometimes not saying anything
Any hint I'm not doing great?

Everything alright??

It took you long enough to ask.

Sometimes I daydream
Wonder what it'd be like
To just be next to you
Be able to reach over
And hold your hand
Look into your eyes
Maybe see something there
That would make me stay
Hope you feel the pull
Just as much as I do
But it's all just a daydream
You're miles away
Lost trying to find you
And I'm here alone
Daydreaming about you
What it would be like
To actually meet you
Be wrapped in your arms
For the first hug
Hear your voice
By my ear
Maybe you'll say something sweet
And I can grin at you
Oh God these daydreams
Are going to **** me
One of these days
But I do it anyways
Let myself pretend
That you'd be good for me
And good to me
Make believe that you see
How I feel
That I care about you
Instead of being blinded
By your choices and ignoring me
Cause that hurts the most
You're too busy
Partying, drinking, smoking
To see what's in front of you
That I have feelings too
So here's to the guy in LA
Who's too busy being a *******
To notice me

My heart has been acting up
There's a rattle
A little smoke coming out
Something is wrong with it
Maybe some loose screws
A crack or two
It could be overheated
Possibly needs an oil change
I think I need a
Profesional opinion
Could you check it out
Let me know what's wrong

To get the notification
My poem is trending
Makes me happy oh so happy
People actually do read it
Some truly do enjoy it
I feel good enough
Like I'm good at something for once
I get proud of myself like
I've never been before
When I talk about my writing it's always
"I write really dumb poems and post them
On this website that I found."
Never really positive
Not that it matters much to me
You give me the positive feedback
That I can never give myself
And I am grateful for it all

I've got a lame heart
It's like a lame leg
Only it's not
Kinda where it doesn't work
Useless *****
Does me no good now
I can't use it for anything
Except a paper weight
It doesn't beat to keep me alive
There is no love here anymore
I can't love again

I'm 19 feeling dead
Like I've been dying
Gone for too long
Like I've been gone
Long enough for everyone
To lose their sadness
And just get over it
You've all long been over it
No more pain for anyone
Except me
I still have to deal with it
Feeling like I'm dying
What's wrong with this picture
Right
I'm so young
Have so much to live for
Should feel alive
But isn't feeling dead better
There may not be any warmth and love
But at least it's not cold, dark and alone
Like the bottomless abyss
That makes up my mind, body and soul

Nine times out of ten
I'm invisible
Like the forgotten bowl
Of soggy cereal
You left to go watch
Saturday morning cartoons
You know the one
Left until you're yelled at
To clean out in the sink
After it starts to smell a little
Weirder than usual
Old, warm milk
That's been sitting out for too long
A memory you'll never remember
Like the first time you fell asleep
Or your 75th day at school
Small and insignificant memories
Long ago forgotten and replaced
By the amusement park you went to
And your first real kiss
Overwritten by the big memories
The ones you'll always have

Not really living
Or existing
Just kind of here
More like stuck
No way out of this
Trapped in the mind maze
Can't find my way out
To enter the real world
It gets old sometimes
Wandering these empty halls
Nothing written on the walls
No notices posted
Or warnings to tell you
The misery you'll find
If you look too closely
Into the dark and creepy
Abandoned old rooms

Sometimes I feel like the only way to name your poems
Is with an eleven word title
Cause it's the only thing that will make any sense
One or two maybe even three words just isn't enough
To express what you want it to
You can't express what you mean and what the poem means
But then at the same time I don't want to be a bother
Making anyone read a title that long
But I guess I'll make an exception just this once

Some people feel like rhyming is important
But I think they're blind to truth
The most beautiful poems
I have ever read in my life
Contain no planned rhymes
They're the words that pour out of you
Straight from that center in your body
That controls your emotions
When you write from that place
Your words speak to people
So write from there
Don't worry about if this word rhymes
With that one or whichever one

Things were so easy when we were young
Now everything is so stressful
And I'm afraid you took it the wrong way
When I said I liked you better before
I probably said it wrong but it's too late now
I can't take it back
But I want you to know that my words are real
Just like I know yours are
And I'm sorry
I didn't really mean it the way it came out
Just a little frustrated is all
Partying when I kept checking for a message
Waiting and hoping for hours
Then finally giving up and saying goodbye
Waking up to see that message
It made me mad
I was stupid enough to hope you had changed a bit
To think maybe you had
But I realized I was wrong
It frustrated me
Please don't ignore me again
Or forget me
I want you around
Friends for now and maybe more later on
You were right about one thing
To go back and forth we had to feel something
I know you do and I hope now
You know that I do too
Because all of this is stressing me out

I never want to see you again
Don't look at me
Don't touch me
Stay away from me
Your words are unwanted
You make me sick
I am repulsed by you
Your attention is unwanted
Leave me alone
Don't call me or text me
Disappear from my life
I wish I could forget you
And what you said to me
But it keeps running through my head
I feel so sick thinking about it
About you
You were creepy before
But this time is different
You took your words too far
Get away from me
I don't want your hug
I don't want to hear from you
No apologies
No I love you
You love me the wrong way
No get out of  my head
I'm gonna be sick
What did I do to deserve those words
Those repulsive disgusting words
I cant take it anymore
It's driving me mad
And making me so sick
Sicker than I've ever been before

I like you better when you're sober
And can talk to me about anything
For two hours just because
We're awake and there's nothing else to do
When you actually care about me
It's easy to talk to you when you're sober
When your mind is clear
And there isn't any tension or frustration
When everything is simpler
I like you better when you're you
And not some spacey ****
This is what I knew would happen
From the very beginning
I always knew
I liked you better before we met
When it was just me and your poems
Reading and reading and reading
Peacefully reading
No interruptions
Or conversations to distract me
I liked you better
When we first met
And I didn't know your past
Or habits of drinking and smoking
When everything was so simple
Just late night long conversations
I liked you better
When you first told me how you feel
I could believe it even if I said I didn't
There was truth behind your words
At least a little bit
But now it seems almost induced
By all the drinking and smoking
You seem to do
Or all the partying
I liked you better
When it was just us and our feelings
When we had those 2 hour conversations
And we got to know each other
The words were real
The feelings were even more real
I liked you

I've got some secrets for you
So don't go just yet
There's another coming soon
For just your eyes
Reasons and explanations
You need
Hear me out
With your fragile heart
And open ears
Understand why I've said
All the things I've said

I don't think you tried hard enough
Celebrating lonely nights
You could have had another
Random 2 hour conversation
If you had just picked up the phone
All you had to do was call
Talk to me
But you didn't
And all this is
Is back and forth
I don't believe your feelings
And I don't know my own
The world can watch all they want
You could shout from the mountains
And I still don't think I'd believe you
You'll probably always be another ****** bag
A little more than a little
And the fall in love part
I don't think happened
Don't know if it ever will
But good luck changing
Trying to be a man
A woman would be proud to love
You're probably going to need it
But so what if I'm stubborn
It makes me less likely to get hurt again
And all this back and forth
Ought to tell you
That you don't be me that well
So you can't tell me
You know what I feel

I called you because you didn't
Though you said you would
I was waiting
Happy as can be
Excited to talk to you again
Mad because you forgot
You forgot and didn't call
Had a drink instead
That hurt more than
Anything had in a whIle
I realized how ridiculous I was
To be your valentine
To let you in my heart in any way
Not that it matters anymore
Doesn't matter I thought
It could have been good for us
To have someone else
That I didn't care about
How messed up you were
It never mattered to me
All that mattered
Was the potential I saw in you
But it doesn't matter now

You're right
Apologies are too late
What makes you think
You can just cone back like this
I remember it alright
If I had it
It'd be smoldering ashes
I don't play around
You messed up
You lied
You don't love me
You don't treat someone you love
The way you treated me
I wish I had never found your poems
Never started reading
But not always
Just when I'm angry
And it's been a while
I almost forgot
Remembered you for a second
Tried to tell you I trended
Hot dog I trended
And I remembered
Being so excited to tell you
I was so ridiculous
You were just that guy
Who wrote me love poems
A long time ago
I used to want to say
**Hey. I miss you

Sometimes I get lucky
And something smooth comes out
Like butter or cream cheese or icing
But I'm gonna end up giving myself
Cellulite thighs with all these fatty foods
Oh well
Maybe one day something smooth enough
Will come out to straighten me back up
Soften all my rough parts
Inside and out
Smooth out all the wrinkles I have
Make me fresh and new like a baby
Maybe I'll be completely smooth again