Honey I didn't recognize my fear
Until you invaded my dreams
I woke with new realizations
Of the fears burning in my heart
I never meant to do this to you
Turn you into someone
Unrecognizable
Make you so paranoid
You were never a distraction
I'm so sorry I made you feel that way
You were my favorite part
Your phone calls spreading a smile
Across my face
Hearing your voice
I can't apologize enough

First of all
I love you
Second of all
That scares me
I don't think I've ever
Been this in love with someone
In my entire life
And it scares me **** less
Third of all
It hurts like hell
You're so far away
I hate distance
You never know what's happening
On the other side
You never know if you'll meet them
Whether it be weeks from now
Or years from now
There are too many things that could
Possibly go wrong
With such a distance
It's not that I don't love you
That I'm not madly in love with you
Believe me I am
It's that I'm afraid
And I'm not ready for the distance again

I dreamt of you last night
For the first time
And now my heart aches
I miss you
I would apologize for the way I've
Behaved lately but I know
Sorry means nothing
And I know you won't forgive me

A pack of cigarettes
A bottle of Jack
Maybe even a joint
What should I try first
Anything to forget
Lose myself in the high
Numb myself to these feelings
Pretend they don't exist
Ignore the problems

I took a shower in the dark today
Fully clothed under the warm water
Let it soak through every piece
Running down my face
As I sobbed
Screaming
I had an emotional breakdown today
All of my emotions pouring out of me
Every ounce of sadness and pain
Leaving my dry throat
Painful echos of the screams
Of my mother's death
I hurt myself again today
Let my anger and pain take over
Pulling out my beautiful blade
Let it run down my arms again and again
Leaving angry red lines
I left purple and yellow spots
I gave up today
Stopped holding it all in
For a couple of lonely hours
Left my sanity somewhere
Down the bathtub drain
There it goes

You don't know loneliness
Until you've sat outside
In your car in the pouring rain
Because the house you live in
Isn't your home anymore
Until there's another woman
Where your mom once stayed
Until you hear her moving through the house
The way your mom did
Until you realize it's not a comfort to hear it
Something once so familiar
It's painful
A reminder that she's gone
Because it's not her
Not the one you want it to be
It's her replacement
Her wannabe
Your father's fiance
He forced into your life
Long before you were ready
You don't know loneliness
Until you'd rather sleep in your car
Than go back in that house you used to call home
When your family was whole

Calling and calling
There's no answer
Never is
Probably never will be
No chance to explain
Get this sorted out
Can't fix these problems
You won't pick up
Please just pick up
I want to resolve this
Don't send me to voice mail
Not again
Just answer this time
So we can clean up this mess