The cuts,
Are turning white,
And pink,
And into scars.
While the scars,
They're staring to fade,
But the memories never will.

Dont judge me on my game today,
Im not at my best.
Im distracted by the troubles of play,
Im not ready for this test.

I write as of nobody listens
As if nobody cares
My soul within the words glistens
And yet I continue to share.

What if the world suddenly flipped,
And everything you knew was wrong?
You'd be lost.
Would you freak out?
Or perhaps make the best of it?
Or would you be the one behind it all...
Behind the questions of "how",
And "what happened"?
Would you be the one that caused it?
Who would you be in this alternate reality,
That follows the path of Alice.
P.S. - If it tells you to eat, don't.
Or do,
And see how your adventure will go.

Talking to you,
It makes me miss you more and more,
With every breath I breathe.
You take my heart,
Swirl it around and do your magic.
Its like I'm in a trance,
Like I've been swept under your spell.

My best friends are noting but strangers with familiar faces.

I am going to write a book,
A 365 page book,
About the things that go on in my life.
It will have tales of sadness,
Im sure,
But hopefully there will be tales of joy,
And love.
Love for my love,
Hopefully.

At the end of the day,
When all is done,
And our love is ******,
Will we go,
And part our separate ways,
With a smile,
A loving departure to everything that was?

I see these marks on my legs,
And they're ugly.
It makes me want to get rid of them,
Destroy them.
But then I think,
"You idiot,
If you do that,
More marks will only appear"
Well,
****.

I have hatred for people,
The human species as a whole,
But the human I hate the most is me.

As humans we naturally search for answers,
Answers of who we are,
Where we came from,
And whats going to happen after were gone.
All for a sense of comfort,
In a world that we cant control.

If there is anything,
Anything in the world that I could possibly do,
Then name it.
I hate seeing you sad.
I love to see your smiling face,
But we cant smile forever,
Right?
I love you,
It will all be ok.
Everything that happens,
Its has a reason.
Love has a way or working itself out.
BGH.
I love you.

You are not physically sick.
--- Its anxiety making you sick.
You are not lazy, you are not pathetic.
--- Its depression whispering in your ear.
Everyone does not hate you.
--- You are just insecure and fear abandonment.

Reasons to stay alive:
1. It would hurt those close to me.
2. No more adventures.
3. I would miss graduating from college.
4. I would miss out on my future family.
5. Because I promised.

You can't just lock people out of your life every time something goes wrong. Instead, set your boundaries and discuss them with the people in your life. You can't get mad at people for crossing boundaries they didn't know where there to begin with.

Change does not come from a place of comfort.

You won't be sad for the rest of your life. Yes, there will be sad days, but there will also be happy ones. Live for the memories you have yet to make.

What if:
Our religion decided where we go.
Where we believe paradise is.
And those who believe nothing are stuck in limbo or come back
through reincarnation
To their paradise
Earth.

You have no idea how much I care about you,
How much I love you.
You have no idea how fast my heart races whenever I see you,
And how I feel like I cant breathe when you're not around.
You have no idea the feeling that I get when you're holding me,
And kissing me.
You have no idea how much you mean to me.

Some things,
They cant be described in words.
Those are the things that are never explained.
They're just pushed aside,
And then eventually let go,
In tears.

You look into the light and what do you see?
Bright,
Beautiful,
Shining safety.
Let the light guide you.
Let the light take you to safety.
Let the light take you home.

Throughout all the pain,
I still stand there,
Smiling.
I cant be weak,
I cant show how scared I am.
I have to stay strong,
Hold back the tears,
And smile.

I could hear the crunch of the gravel under my feet as I walked down the driveway to the bus,
As I do every morning.
But this morning didn't seem ordinary.
Every noise seemed magnified.
I felt dizzy,
And disoriented.
Things felt off.
I thought that maybe it was because I hadn't ate yet,
And I needed food,
But it wasn't.
I never eat in the morning,
My body's used to going without food.
It was still very dark out,
Dawn had not yet reached my town.
I looked up at the sky,
And the moon seemed so far away,
Like it was floating away from the Earth,
And whispering "goodbye" to those down below.
Then everything went dark,
I blacked out.
I don't remember what happened.
When the bus was approaching my stop,
I woke suddenly.
I had a split second to glance at the moon,
Before the bus halted to a stop,
The moon was there,
Back in its original place,
Where it always is,
And where it belongs.
A question remains in my mind...
Why did I black out?
And why was the moon so far away,
And then suddenly back?

Is it me?
Because it seems to be.
Everyone around me is so sad.
I dont know what to do.
I try to help,
But they just push me away.
I'm trying,
But I cant.
Meanwhile...
I'm sitting here heart broken,
And they're fading away.

At one point,
I had gotten to day 23,
Another point day 35,
Then day 8,
And now I'm at day 3.
I'm counting back up,
And hoping to not be reset,
Not again.

These feelings,
They tear me apart inside.
I don't know what to do.
It feels right,
But at the same time,
It feels so wrong.
I can't help but to think about it,
And when I do,
I feel that my soul is on fire.
I feel that I'm about to go into a panic attack.
I want to be normal,
But more than that,
I just want to be happy.

I asked you what you were doing
Because I wanted to **** myself
And I was looking for something
Anything
For a reason not to do it
I’m looking for a sign
But I can’t see through my own smoke
There’s blood on the floor
There’s bruises around my neck
Maybe those are the signs meant for me.

You don't understand,
And you never will.
It is beyond you capability.
You don't understand.
How cant you though?
Its love,
Is it not?
Just the same...
Just like you,
But you hate,
And you bash.
Why?
Two people,
In love...
Do they not have the right to love one another?
Marry each other?
Its just the same?
No?
Why is it different?
Why must you hate?
We're both human...
Are we not?
Don't all humans deserve love?
Why deny love,
Its such a beautiful thing...
We are equals,
Equals in love,
And in life,
Now treat us like it.
I know you don't understand,
But try.

Dont cry when I leave.
I've been ready to go for a life time it seems.

Do you ever have that one song stuck in your head?
Its stuck in there for weeks and you dont know why...
You cant remember all the lyrics,
So you go look it up,
And you learn,
And then you understand.
You understand why its been in your head,
Its the story of your life.

My poems are starting to become useless,
Old,
And worn out,
But yet they're brand new.
I've lost my inspiration.
I need a new muse.

I’m sick. I’m tired of breathing. It feels heavy and thick and I’m so tired of fighting. I’m exhausted. I don’t give in because complacency is easier than action. They say to take action and make your own destiny when it comes to your mental health. If I take action that means I’ll be dead. So for now I sit and wait for the storm to pass. But I keep crying and those tears are the rain. My screams are the thunder. These bruises are the craters on the mountain side made from the electrical power of the neurological lightening. I’m just tired. I miss my sunshine. I’m fried and I’m burnt. I’m so scared of dying but I think I’m more scared of trying to fight this and losing myself.

There comes a point when you are so weak,
Tired,
And broken,
That you have to be strong.
You need to be strong enough,
To work the courage,
To say one line,
That will take everything from you.
"I need help."

My heart aches for you, and she’s out there broken into dust, floating among the stars. If you ever go out looking, she’s sitting just above the tree line on the horizon of the place where I fell in love with you. I hope you find your heart, I hope you find your peace, I hope you find the one that you kiss like you care, even if that ones not me.

The rain that falls from the clouds
is the same water thats flowing from my eyes
at the thought of distance
from you
and tears of envy
for any person who gets to hold you
any person who gets to see you
when I cant.

I thought I was over her,
I thought I was done.
And then tonight,
I talked to her.
I'm so not over her.
Love is still there.

If you think that this is optional,
Then you are very mistaken my friend.
This is not optional.
I wish it was.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
But I do.
And its not a disease.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Its just how I am.
I didn't choose to be this way,
But I'm working on it.
I'm working on accepting it.
And you telling me that its optional,
That isn't helping.
It makes me feel bad.
That maybe I'm the only one who has no choice.
No voice in the matter.
It makes me feel alone all over again.

What lies beneath,
We may never know,
Of a magical monster afraid to show.
They swim in the deep,
Never to peak,
At the world they are soon to know.
With the head of a human,
And the tail of a fish,
This magical creature lays below,
Told by a man,
From centuries ago.
Their beauty's amazing,
Their sirens are deadly,
This magical monster lays below.

Quit asking me whats wrong.
If I wanted to talk about it,
I would talk,
but I dont talk about things like that,
I write.
So if you really want to know whats wrong with me,
Poetry is my journal.
Go read.

It has been so long.
So freaking long,
And its driving me insane.
There's a craving.
A need.
I need it.
I need the blood,
I need the blades.
I feel that I need it back,
But I can't go back.
I have to go on,
I have to stay strong.

Dear little fly,
Buzzing by,
Please shut up,
Or you shall surely die.

You tell me tells,
Of her,
And your new found happiness.
Good for you.
I found someone too,
Just not in the way I had expected.

Turning the page of life,
Revealing a new chapter in this epic fairy tale we live in.
Maybe were turning the last page to the end of our book,
With the back cover slammed in our faces.

Its not possible for me to be anymore done than I am right now.
I have to go back,
And I have to let you go.
Im going back to my old ways.
Nobody can stay strong,
And hold on forever.

I wish I could erase the memories of you,
Or hide them away,
Or just forget about them...
But I cant.
Because they're written here on my arm,
And they're not going anywhere.

So many tears...
Crying so much that it almost becomes meaningless.
I cried more than I smiled.
I was so sad..
But things are better now.
Now I'm smiling more than crying.
The tears now mean more,
But my smile still means just as much.

Shame is an odd and curious thing.
It makes you feel like the lesser,
But it's a figment of your own imagination,
Put onto you by someone no other than yourself.

Crescent and forever looking down on us as if it were God and we are its children.
Shining a light and providing a path for those who are blinded by the darkness down below.

I've apparently saved their lives.
About 5 people have told me that,
But how?
I'm broken,
So how can I save them,
When I need saving myself?
They've saved me,
Not the other way around.

I hate lying about them.
I hate making excuses about it.
I hate having to hide them.
I hold them precious to me.
Hopefully one day,
I will look at them and smile,
Because then the pain will be gone.
I will have made it through.
But that light at the end of the tunnel is so far away.
What if that light is just a train?
With the head lights glaring at me?
And its not me thats moving towards the light...
Its the light thats moving towards me?
I feel that I'm on the road to disaster,
And I'm only at a pit-stop.
Eventually,
As I fear,
I will get back on that road.
I dont want to go back,
But I'm not sure how not to.