The blade
Creeps in my mind
Every once in awhile
Blood
Stinging
Burning
Comforting sensation
When i don't want to feel
Now
I don't feel the need
As often anymore
My ED helps me now
I know that's not the way to go either
How to be normal?
Don't know such a concept
Relating to my emotions
These are my security blankets
I need them to keep my alive

Stop the world
For just a few days
So i can get a grasp
On what i'm supposed
To be doing in this crazy
Unpredictable world

Quality over quantity
Always has been my motto
Forever and always
Love your friends for who they are
Rather than wishing for something more
Keep your friends close
So they don't have a opportunity
To slip away

I just want you to fix my broken heart
Broken shards of my heart
Are around the places
That have destroyed my soul
Fix the brokenness of my heart
Put it back together again
As if were Humpty Dumpty

My demons are secretive
They creep out slowly and quietly
So no one can have their devilish tongue rattle
Slithering like a snake
Into my veins
Into my soul
Ready to devour me
Into a pile of flesh and bone

All of a sudden my world
Is bombarded with the consumption of food
Or desperately trying to rid yourself
of the necessity of food
Normal human functions
Don't seem so normal anymore
****** functions are now shameful
Trying to destroy the thing that
Destroys you

The hunger is suffocating my soul
The type that goes away temporarily
But is always craving for more
Hunger is what consumes me
The type that never goes away
Always craving for a satisfaction
That i will never find

You said forever and always
You would be by my side
Whispering in my ear
Everything would be okay
If it's not okay it's not the end
You promised
You would put all my broken
Pieces back together
What if i'm unfixable?
Constantly searching
For a brighter soul

I hold on to you like a lost lover
So fearful to part with my only solace
Just incase
I need a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on
I hold on to your captive embrace
Just incase
I'm to weak to break free
Just incase

I'm holding on
Just incase
Just incase
I find the glimmer of hope
I've been searching for
In the dark shadows of the night

Nothing is safe
Nothing is secret
Something never seizes to go away
One mistake
Will eventually
Put you in your misery

I like to say
That i know
My way around the world
The truth is
I can't find a reason to stay

The power of hunger
The power of words
The power of silence
Starts to get to you
You can fill the bitter
Cold of loneliness
in your bones
they are slowly wasting away
from the hunger of
loneliness that will
eat away at your soul

Head pounding
With all the thoughts
That are all encompassing
No way out
Stuck
As if you have a ponytail
Tied to tight
Constant throbbing
That can't be relieved

Ringing doorbells
"Trick or treat"
Is repeated in your head
All night long
Pumpkins lighting up the night
Kids paralyzed with sugar rushes
Innocent fun

Maybe i'm just meant to be
This way
Meant to go to all lengths
To destroy my beloved soul

Thoughts i never dreamed of thinking
Beliefs i never dreamed of believing
Myself i never dreamed of destructing
What happened?
My mind has disappeared into ashes
My body will soon too wither away
In a pile of ash

I don't care
If i die
Anymore
I wouldn't actually
Take my own life
I'm just not scared
Of death
Like most people are
I'm scared of living
For the rest of my life
With my thoughts controlling
Every move i make

I want to do better
I want to live life freely
Like we all were created
For freedom
Freedom from the devil's hand

I can't do this anymore
I can't live life
Seeking a invisible vision
That will never come
Three years later
Still haven't gotten
What i so badly crave
I don't even remember
What i'm searching for
I can't stop
Even though
I will never be satisfied
With what i so badly
Once sought

Everyone describes my body as
"Healthy"
I want to be light as a feather
Nothing more
Nothing less

Today i have consumed
460 calories
Of disgusting layers
Of chewy flavorless
Fat and unnecessary calories
Sitting in my stomach
Containing fat and so much more
On my "healthy" body
As most say
I'm not healthy in the slightest
I'm weak
For letting hunger power
Me into eating
Which is unnecessary and weak

Crazy humans
All around
How can i trust?
When everyone
Flips like a dime
Two sides of them
Never the same

Months after months
Year after years
Go by
Filled with nothing
But food
Dominated by it's utter existence
Sense of need
Thinking your invincible
Until your being threatened treatment
I'm not weak
I'm strong

One moment
One fleeting idea
One action
Is all it took
For me to realize
I need more
One thought of control
Three years go by
You don't even realize it
You've been numb for too long
Now, when you feel ashamed
Of eating 50 calories
Above your "limit"
You've set for the day
Only then will you realize
This is controlling me now
Can't get out of this torture
I want to cry
I want to cry in frustration
I want to cry for food
I'm hungry
I can't eat
I'm scared
I haven't succeeded yet
In this disease
Because there is no visible
Evidence of my hungry soul

Food is a sin
Hunger is a gift
Evidence of my soul
That is shattered
Beyond repair
Food can wait
More than my heart can
Handle this crippling
Depression
That won't go away

Forever waiting
To find comfort
In the scale
Going down
Forever going down
Or staying just the same
Waiting for someone
To see evidence
Of my prolonging pain

Craving for hunger
Wanting anything
Anything at all
To stop me from the thoughts
Running rampid in my head

Slowly going down
I thought
This would help me
Someway
Somehow
I've become lost
Nowhere to be found
This is all too much
Need to relieve
My thoughts
That have been
Haunting me
For so long

I didn't mean
For this to get out of hand
I just wanted to be in control
Maybe even become popular
I'm not meaning to hurt you
At all
I just honest to god
Can't stop

Scale refuses to move
Days go by
Number has dropped
Significantly
I still don't see
What i want to
When i will be able to see
What everyone else sees?

Terrified
That i will be like this
Forever
I don't want this to be real
At the same time
I love this
I like the feeling of numbness
Countless of other things
That make up anorexia
I just want to be fragile
Like a baby
I want to be baby

No one should ever
Want this demon
To take over them
It's evil
Takes over
Your entire being
Something that
I wish i knew
Thin doesn't equal happiness
Control doesn't give you power
It makes you miserable
In every sense of the word
All it does
Is have
A deadly obsession
With the scale
That never changes
Nothing ever satisfies
Your starving soul

Someone hold me
Someone to carry me
Someone to tell me
You love me
Just tell me
You love me

There's a fleeting moment
When i feel beautiful
Like i can do anything
Everything
95% of the time
I feel like an elephant
In the circus
Getting picked on
Fold what to do
All day
Every day
I'm as fat
As an elephant
Who would be lucky
To be beautiful

All i want to do
Is to eat
Like a normal human
I don't understand
Why they chose me
To get trapped
By this evil
Blood *******
Weight obsessed
Demon
In my head

Criticizing bodies
Every where i turn
Feel like a judgmental fool
This disorder
Has changed the way
I perceive other humans
I'm embarrassed
I care so much
I realize
I'm a abnormal creature
Why do i care so much?
I don't understand
Why the devil choose
To ruin my body and soul

My mind
Is a confusing place
My parents
Think i'm crazy
I don't know
What to say
I'm not normal
I'm not myself
I'm a shell of a girl
Who wants to be thin
How hard is that to understand?

I know for a fact
I'm not underweight
I desperately want my body
To match my mind
Fragile and broken
Beyond repair

Conflicting emotions
Over this thing called
Recovery
One minute
Wanting to break free
In a couple of hours
It changes
Into wanting to stay
In the safe arms
Of destruction
To the behaviors
I crave the most

Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul

I'm starting to find
My way to live
I know how i should live
I deserve to live happy
Without anxiety
Without feelings of inadequacy
I'm still nervous
Nervous
That my security blanket
Will be gone forever
I know it's best
For it to disappear
Completely
I still can't decide
If i want to
How do i decide?
How do i decide
Between fragile and numb
To healthy and happy?
Can't decide

I'm still confused
About recovery
I do really want to
But at the same time
There's this little tug
Telling me to stay
Fragile and sick
How do i fight this voice?

I want to exercise
I'm too fat to run
I can't do anything
It's probably good
That i don't workout
I need to get
My mind and body
Healthy again
So i can live
Happy, healthy and free

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again

Recovery is feeling
Uncomfortable
Recovery is feeling
Emotions
Recovery is getting better
Physically and mentally
Food keeps the beast loud
Pretty soon
There is no longer
A voice in my head
That wants me
Skeletal and dead

So much food
How can people eat this much?
It's disgusting
I hate meal plans
But i guess this is part
Of the recovery process

I most deeply want to find
Love and friendship
When i would understand
If they didn't
The little voice in my head whispers
"You don't deserve to be loved"
"They're only putting on a act, they're just pretending"
I'm scared to get close to anyone
They always find a way to slowly
Slip away from what we once were
Because that's all
I've ever known
I'm sorry
I might leave you
Before you leave me
It's easier that way
So i don't have to endure the disappointment
Once again

Hatred in my eyes when i see you
Feelings of anxiety creeping in
Scared to get near you
Go burn in hell

Living for bones
Living to ffeel
Living to feel anything at all
Living to endure pain
Living to find a way
To numb all the pain