Hearing my heartbeat
Beating like i know it should
But sometimes i don't want it to
I often wonder what does death feel like?
I imagine it peaceful
Your problems are nonexistent
Hearing my heartbeat
Is a blessing
But also a nightmare

Alone in this world
Nowhere to go
Nothing to see
I often wonder
Why do people need me?
Alone in this world
A lost little girl
Trying to come back
But she seems
Oh, so very far away
Like chains in the bottom
Of the ocean
Help me get her back

Ana that's her name
She's my friend
She's everywhere
Inside my head
Telling me to do things
When will me and Ana
Breakup?
I used to like her
Now i hate her
Scared of her
And i can't make her
Go away
Please help me
Please make Ana go away

Lost little girl afraid of food
Lost little girl afraid of everything
Lost little girl afraid of herself
Afraid of getting
Beyond repair

People, people everywhere
People, people's opinions everywhere
People, people go away
Go away, go away
I'm way better off alone anyway

Bones like in a cemetery
Among the living dead
Only now the bones
Are walking
And functioning
A human skeleton
Or as some say
A walking skeleton
The ghost is anorexia
She has taken over me

I'm starving
So very hungry
"You can't eat" says Ana
Me- "oh yeah i forgot"
Ana- "you can eat but when i say you can!"
Me-"okay"
Wallowing in hunger
Scared that if i disobey
Ana
I will get punished
The punishment
Is gaining weight
"Can't gain weight" i say
"Good girl" says Ana

Broken mirror on the wall
Tell me what is real
And what is not
Pick up the pieces of glass
On the floor
And fix
My distorted image
Or can you even
Pick up the pieces of glass
Broken mirror?

Parents can be my strength
And my weakness
They try to understand
My needs and wants
It's hard to explain
My inner demons
They never understand
They try and try
And i know their love is there
They are weak in their understanding
Though they try so hard
To grasp my pain

This is me
As raw as i can be
Feeling like a zombie day after day
Not eating
Waiting for the number to change
Stuck in my false reality
That i will ever be pretty

I'm used to my life
Fighting to keep friendships alive
Why can't i just be normal
Ana is my only friend
Who keeps me in line
A person in my head
Is my only friend
Totally lost my mind
To what i seek
I want to have friends
That stay
Like everyone else
Why is it so hard?
I don't understand

I've succumbed to this image
In my head
Someone more beautiful
More popular
That i will ever be
Jealous of my brother
Outgoing and fun
Everyone says i'm shy
And quiet, I'm sorry
I know all of you want me
To resemble his friendly personality
I just wish to be him
With no problems keeping friends
I'm sorry
I'm not like him

Lost in a society's version of beauty
I'm sorry i'm not beautiful
I feel terrible for not living up
To anyone's expectations
I'm not deserving of love
No one stays here
With me
They always leave
I don't understand
Leave me alone
I'm meant to be alone

Where do i go from here?
Everyone seems to wonder
What their next destination
Will turn out to be
Destinations are unplanned
They're many people who fear
Their unexpected destination

Searching for a higher power
Seems to be what we all seek
Nothing compares
To everlasting love
As long as we try
We will be saved

You can feel the heaviness
On your chest
Feeling like you can hardly breathe
To what overcomes you
When you realized you skipped
Another meal
It's a normal thing nowadays
Wake up, foods there
Go to bed have nightmares
About slowly letting go of the control you have
Having a little bit more of something
That once had been forbidden
You can feel the pain when you starve yourself
That's why some people like it
Inflicting pain on yourself
Is much much easier
Than anyone or anything
It gives you the power to say no

We feel numb to the things we see
Over and over again
I'm numb to the feeling of comfort
Destruction is comforting
Therefore
I'm numb to the fact
That this could very well take me
The only thing that comes to mind
Is a strong desire to comfort
So used to numbing my emotions
By bones and a scale
That seems to be with me
The moment i can open my eyes
And see the sunlight through
My bedroom window
The lingering thought
In the back of my mind
I cannot be like this forever
I will soon discover what it's like
To take the wool off my eyes
With my eyes open
To learn to be content
With living happy and healthy
Soon figuring out
That i no longer
Need a reason to numb
The thing i thought was horrifying
Happens to be the thing
That unlocks the change
From a life praying for my last breath
My last sentence would be
"At least i'm finally skinny"

I guess everything isn't what it seems
No one knows what it's like
To live with a monster in your head
Screaming, shouting, crying
To escape the demons in my head
Stuck in the mindset
That everything isn't what it seems

We all love the term starting over
Seems to be what we all crave
What will happen next to everything else?
Everything we created is all lost
Why would we want to start over?
Our mistakes teach us
What it means to grow
Into a more wiser human being
Starting over
Erases all your hard work
In trying to survive life

I wonder
What will happen next?
Walking on eggshells
To my next destination
Constantly wonder
What will happen
Fear and constant wonder
To experiment with
It will all be okay
As long as we don't fear wonder
Into our minds
Everything will all be okay

Sometimes life is unfair
Heartbreaking
And some days you just want to hide
But the most rewarding part
About life
Is through all the hurt and pain
You finally rediscover yourself
And look back on your past life
And say i made it

Help me she cries
Wrapped in woven blanket
Sad glass eyes
Broken shards of skin
Were cried
From her teary eyes

Invisible
Invisible but yet living
How can that be?
When she's physically alive
Her soul dead
The people who don't care
Enough to notice
Her broken soul

No one to comfort me
No one to hold me
No one to kiss my cheek
Hug me and tell me it will all be okay
The only thing that comforts me
Are ED and music
I don't want to let go of ED
He's my only friend

Demons all around us
Only a few of these bats
They bite certain people
Who deserve it
Once you're stung
You are locked in a cage
Of demons

Demi Lovato
Stay strong
Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

Have to cut this disgusting flesh
Have to feel
Have to feel numb
Can't handle this numbness
This loneliness
I need the blade
To comfort
My numb soul

You don't have to tell me
I'm skinny
Because i know i'm not
You're trying to be nice
I understand
And i am thankful
But you don't understand
I don't do this for compliments
I with my whole entire being
Believe
That i
Am a fat lard that needs
To be pretty
I just want to be loved
Have the affection of a human
Wrapped around my finger
To know for a fact
That i am worth living

I want to be thin
To see my bones
Having people wonder
In fear

Legs cramping
Heart burning
Tears bounce off your cheek
I don't want to do this anymore
But at the same time
I want to feel my bones
My ribs protruding
Through my translucent skin
I want both
The sad reality is
I can't have both
Pulling between two continents
The continent of life and death
I spent too long
In the death continent
Of the world
The continent of life
Is calling my name
Can my feet let me
Travel that far?
Life is waiting for me
To seek my potential
In a non-destructive world

I feel like i'm living a lie
Dajavue
Go to school
Come home
Say what i'm supposed to say
Do what's right

At 15 this isn't
What i pictured for myself
Broken and manic
In every which way
This isn't what i wanted
I'm done
Lost forever

I'm a shameful secret
That you try with every ounce of your strength
To hide from the world
No sound
No breath
Invisible
Dead to the world
No point in hiding the facts
Despicable human being
I'm sorry
I don't know what to say

Happy mothers day
I know you will always stay
You've been there with me
Through everything
I couldn't be more grateful
Even when i am sometimes hateful
You have taught me so much
You are the rock
You are a hard worker
A great mother
I love you
Happy mother's day

I never want you to feel
Like i don't love
And care for you
I love you
And want you all to know
This isn't me
A demon has taken me away
And refuses to set me free
I'm sorry
I might not physically show it
But i love you with all my heart

All i want
Is to eat
Like any regular human would
I want to exercise for fun
Not to burn calories
ED controls me now
I can't retriete out of my mind
For any length of time
It always comes back
In a force that
Is too strong to bare

All i want
Is to be happy and free
From the thing that is destroying me
I don't mean to hurt anyone
Believe me this isn't what i expected either
The voice is just too strong
To let me go
I'm sorry
I wish i could
Help myself
But right now i'm not me
I'm being controlled by an evil soul
Please save me
Before it's too late

Doors open
At all times
Picture frames
No glass
Hospital bed
Emotions shattered
Like glass

You don't understand
How much i want
To live a normal life
Instead of calories and numbers
It's happy dreams
Where happiness consumes me
As i lay there
With my hipbones
Covered with skin
Like a normal human
I don't want to be a shell
I want to live like a normal teenager
Where food is a blessing
Not a sin
Something that i am not
Mortified to admit
I want to live a normal life
You don't undersetand
How much i've dreamed

Doctor after doctor says
"How are you feeling?'
Watch schizophrenics go to the quiet room
Where they don't hear the voices
I shouldn't be here
I'm not that crazy
You try not to say out loud
Then again your mind
Becomes rational
For just a split second
And my mind goes
"You need to be here"
When you realize
You cut your emotions skin deep
Purge up all my sanity
And starve away all the names
I suddenly realize
That i belong here
In a mental ward
ED is silent he re
I like this place
He has no control over me
Here
Skin and bones
Hunger is a lovely feeling
Messed up i know
This is what i crave

I didn't mean for this to happen
I hope you know
I didn't mean to hurt anyone
Lost in my own mind
All i want
Is for people to understand
For my mind to stop spinning
With destructive thoughts
Day in and day out
I love you both
I hope you know

Staring
At the skinny legs
Wishing i had those
Gorgeous legs
That everyone is jealous
My legs are covered
In fat and cellulite
I just want to be pretty
Is that too much to ask?
Too see what everyone else
Sees in me

Little girl in the corner
Silence surrounds me
People fill the room
Still feels more lonely than ever
It's interesting
When you can feel so alone
In a room filled of people

Someone give me peace
Give me strength
To fight my demons
They know how to swim
They are smart
Will wait for the right moment
To attack
When i finally
Find peace
With my own thoughts
In my head

It gets worse
Before it gets better
ED wants all his control over me
He will die
When i suddenly learn
How to live life
Without him
The voice is now gone
With the faint noise of life
Coming through
ED will fight his way in
When i finally learn to value
Myself and how to cope with life
He is adamant on keeping me
To his evil world
I know i can't give in
Then i will be stuck
In his destructive grip
Once again

Speaking is hard
Eating is hard
Breathing
Is questionable at times
When you feels so invisible
No one will care
No one will notice when you are gone
They never cared enough anyway
I'm not crazy
I try to tell myself
I'm just a teenager
Trying to find a way
But the fact is
I am crazy
Crazy not to eat
Crazy to hurt myself
Crazy enough to have no friends

I'm scared
Of losing
What i already leave
Don't you see
This is a part of me
Don't want to lose
The thing
That's been there for me
All along

Control has always been an issue
Control over how i was born
Control over everyone and everything
Interesting concept
I control my food
It's not about losing weight
It never was
Control was my issue
Sense of safety among a thing
Food is the only thing
That i can control

Shrek
Ugly ogre
Happy villagers
Are so so happy
Shrek the play
Fiona a beautiful princess
Shrek and Fiona united together
What is meant to be will be

This is now
The first step
To the hardest thing
I've ever gone through
Now here i am
Emotions stuffed down
As far as they could be
Numb from the world
Except for food and the blade
This is the first step
To opening those wounds
To begin this thing
Called recovery
A scary realization
The only person that can save me
Is myself
I've been running from myself
For so long
Now it's time
To let go
And give my troubles and anxieties
To my grandfather up in the sky
He's the higher power
That can tell me
It will all be okay