no
how can you leave now
after swaying my heart
eroding my doubts
and filling those holes
with seeds of dreams
for our future

missed calls
texts left on read

why?

how did we get here?

we went from
obnoxious surpluses of excitement
to crushing quantities of hesitation
and restraint

eyes clouded
as check-marks
turn to green
and active status fades out

unable to move
staring motionlessly at
texts, as unwanted as myself
trapped by a prison of thoughts
gazing through tearful vision

unforgiving silence
flesh on vacant sheets

the usual shadow prison
creeps closer
grips tighter
than ever before

relentless
the fingers of uncertainty
restrict thought

this hold it has
won't be leaving
for many moons

as clocks turn
these violent spectres
become increasingly aggressive

until the hollow shell
has become swallowed
by the darkness feared
that under the affectionate guise
was let in

it hurts

no grand act of betrayal
but the magnitude of minor slices to my heart
found in the lacking of affection

claims of love
feel unbelievable
when overshadowed by actions of doubt

i fear to let go
but fall into the pit of comparison

the past has its claws deeply implanted
into my flesh
not deep enough to bring my end
but only enough to regularly deface my heart

torn
tattered

i forget what i want
but crave that which is lost

rational thoughts plagues my mind
how i attempt to dismiss it
when overwhelming me with the reminder
that the sacred times will never return

beating
yet broken
can't find my voice

numbness leaks
from her lacking presence
filling me, eroding my core
overflowing with inaction

unable to breath
drowning in teardrops
and buried in mountains of memories

As I lay here alone
Unable to sleep
My comfortable bed
Brings no peace to my mind
I lay paralyzed
Alone
with my thoughts

And as the hours flee
Lay my mind and I
Beside each other, imprisoned
I am trapped

There is nothing I can do
But lay helplessly
As I fight to escape these visions
Who force themselves in
And bring my mind no rest

These tormented memories
Hear not my sorrow
and will not accept my forgiveness
My fears remain restless
And tear at my mind
Until i can take no more
And in my utter desperation
They hear not my cries
They accept nothing
For the burdens of times passed
I can not rid this curse
Forever I lay uneasy
Cowering in my own fear
Crawling before the darkness
Which once promised to lift me up

I would pray for forgiveness
But within this darkness there is no light
How could I even consider that they would forgive me
When I can't even forgive myself
This helplessness
It is eternal

i beg of you
please help me

My spirit is chained down
A caged monster
Unable to break free
From the prison I built
In blind attempts to flee

Imprisoned
by my coward'ness
A slave to my fears
In the darkest of nights
The shadows hide my tears

Victim to my own crimes
Truths which I can't deny
For as much as I push my demons away
At the end, on them I rely

Nights hold no compassion
Lay I,
Tortured by what is done
Within the courtyard of my mind
Countless laps I run

My heart may once have been fire
But those flames have surely perished
In the ashes of those ill-spoken
Rest true hearts
Beside those who are broken

Even in pure unforgiving silence
Torment is never far from sight
Eluding heartly conversations
But in my arms at the end of the night

Thoughts are
slaughtered by lost memories
My mind owns no rest
Enslaved to my demons
causing a vacancy in my chest

Light drips
on a gothic dark portrait
Bringing sour warmth
to a lonely dark night

Over the screams of silence
lay the burdens of truth
Upon the bodies which lay
beside shrines forgotten

Purity within darkness
grows sadder each moment
Manifesting what was
into what now is lost

Empty glares
forget their owners
As the world spins
into a meaningless collage

Misery approaches
in her post-angelic dress
Bringing fear and compassion
to those left to rest

Forgiveness and Understanding
will never make themselves present
In the rusted hearts of those
left hidden and forgotten

The morbid painting
drenched in the blood of its owners
Rests easy
in the legacy of those passed

While specters remain restless
The distant sound of tears crashing
Gently drowns that
of a glass heart shattering

Forgive me for remembering
what should not be remembered
Forgive me for questioning
what should not be questioned
Forgive me for apprehending
what should not be apprehended
Forgive me for persisting
what should not be persisted

Forgive me for pretending
what should not be pretended
Forgive me for enjoying
what should not be enjoyed
Forgive me for hurting
what should not be hurt
Forgive me for aiding
what should not be aid

Forgive me for trying
what should not be tried
Forgive me for fighting
what should not be fought
Forgive me for letting go
what should not be let go
Forgive me for thinking
what should not be thought

Forgive me for starting
what should not have started
Forgive me for ending
what should not have ended
Forgive me for breaking
what should not have been broken
Forgive me for forgetting
what should not have been forgotten

Here's one for the gamers
dungeon dwellers, competitors and casual players
Whether they're at home or at a friend,
footballers, car racers or dragon slayers

To the world that looks down on us
for those who's hobbies least appeal
Just because they don't understand the reason
or share the passion we feel

Gamers like acheivements
each to their own
Whether its to vanquish the opposition
build, or break their enemies throne

Is that so different
perhaps they spend a lot of time at home
But isn't playing online with their friends
a little better than just sitting alone on ones phone?

The world of gaming has evolved
and adapted so much
It's a common to see a mother aligning fruit
or a child with a flapping duck

And is it such a bad thing
if the players are actually having fun
It may not be making them better
but I can think of many worse things they could have done

They say games encourage violence
but these people are some of the kindest I've ever seen
Theft, ****** and street racing
would it not be better if these things were only done behind a computer screen?

For many, its more than just a game
and can lead to some desperation
But people need to know the limits
and play in moderation

For some
it's to do things they wouldn't normally do or say on a daily basis
A couch potato wanting to explore the world
avoid boredom, keep their mind from stasis

To feel the breeze of a challenge
drive a fast car or
sword-fight,
maybe even do some parkour

Whether they want to skydive
or skate over a hill
To be able to do something dangerous
without having to sign a medical bill

We all have our reasons
some play casually while others play to vent
E-gaming has become so popular
now hosting world tournaments and many gaming event

This is how we are
so please let us be
Our motives are like captured birds
are we are just setting them free

Whether you want to be a princess
or guardian of a banana tree
You can do whatever you want
just follow your dream

People will always be different
this is just another sub-culture; like fans of a band
But we are the gamers
and by this title proudly we stand

Swift little spider
trapped by ***** bath walls
Helplessly scrambles against the edges
in a fatigue attempt at escape

In comes a giant
proportions of that of a titan
And even with size on his side
he cannot bare comfort with its presence

Filling a glass of water
drained above its clueless head
The innocent spider slides down
towards its inescapable peril

But to the giants surprise
the critter skitters along
Fighting furiously against the tides
desperately attempting to escape

Its miraculous escape
does more than just surprise
It summons irritation
and a fraction of concern

Another glass is filled
and yet another is flung
Without fail the tiny warrior
continues to battle against the odds

Glasses and glasses fly
the endless river within the air
And in all failed attempts
the arachnid continues to fight

Exhausted from the effort
a larger bucket is obtained
Flooding the entire plain
and ensuring the fighters death

It's within a sigh of relief
that realization is born
That the giant had grown so distracted by its fear
that it had not observed

The reason for the continuous efforts
the motive to never give up
Was discovered in one single glance
upon the baby left untouched

The tiny creature
left all alone
An orphan
to a world so cruel

The fault was never theirs
it was in our fear
Causing violent actions and assumptions
without observing the surroundings

All that spider wanted
was to protect its child
Not to harm anyone
but to bring their offspring to safety

Such a foul ******
for piece of mind
With opened eyes
I see that
we are the monsters.

Hidden beauty
Dressed in shadow
With you
happiness too does weep

Chipped diamond
reflection unseen
lost in the emptiness
of her own doubt

Crying angel
wither no more
cast the tears away
let your true beauty show

Disguised perfection
let that deceptive mirror
lie no more
and let true colors shine


For it isn't when we look
that we find beauty
It is hidden
to be found by others

Lost within the process
of opening my mind
As the doors open
leave everything else in shadow
Collapse to the floor
the corpses
of hopes
held up by
desolate fears

My eyes grow wider
but tire with each day
As I seek forgiveness
in the lost remains
Regret,
weighs heavily
on this worn soul
Tearing deeper,
feeling satisfaction
and despair
in the discovery
of unanswered questions

Baring and spawning
more doubt
than there was fore

Now address I,
To whom
it may concern.
That I ought
to admit
that
I've become
afraid
of all that I have learned

In heartbreak season
sought I an exception
to which I dare not bring despair

For in her absence
my reflection is missing,
without who I could not bare

As I am a shadow
left out in the sun
hoping not to bring you a scare

And burning within the inferno
I'd let your hand go
scorch your hand, I would never dare

Hidden in the moonlight
lie all cast in shadow
while you shine as bright as a flare

Misery
dressed up in her favorite shade
Curled to perfection
and drowning within raw unexposed beauty

How my mind loves to surprise me
Ripping away at my hopes, while
flirting with happiness
and ticking away at my sanity

Madness?
To which do you address?
Countless blessings lay unwanted
Torn from one thought to another

Emptiness remains, always.
To experience, never to forget
Burning eternally within
infinite faces lay without name

We each have our moment
within the sour beam of light
and with this absolute clarity
see us more about them than ourselves

Forgive me, oh mistake-less brothers
banish all my foul sins
Keep me from the water
and shower me in flame

For I am a believer
that everything has a consequence
But why are you to decide
who possesses the gleaming innocence

Fear once covered me
and sheltered me like a blanket
How it held me down
but protected me from the colds of the storm

With the two lights of my life
in endless conflict
For guidance, I can't help
but look towards the shadow

A blissful aroma
in a field of gray
Scattered ashes beside
a path battered with dismay

Many are brought
but few return
Their stories are taught
while few do learn

Within the jungle
lay many a beast
Which only to a larger
are found a feast

For our confidence
betrays us, leads us astray
We can't see the knife behind us
while forcing a smile onto display

In the attempts of others lessen
with self-thought cunning reave
Find ourselves caught
in the webs we ourselves had weave

Comparing towers of coin
while'st flinging the blame
As we are drowning in holy water
and others are shining within flame

Oh glorious leader
king of noble birth
Wouldn't even walk upon
those burned within his greed's hearth

Stands so tall,
above all mortal men
While holding the darkness within
larger than those of ten

Shine in the sunlight
burning from the truths light
Born to roam back alleys
where even the shadows blight

For the evil you see
isn't one to fear
It's those which are hidden
and common ears can't hear

For no sound is more valued
than the sound of a coin drop
As they push another competitor down
on their path to the top

Their greed unmatched
Hearts blaring impure
As if there was an unknown force
the dollar being their lure

Men of these kind
care not, but rub it in our face
As the hungry become hungrier,
they purchase yet another porcelain vase

Oh but you modern demons
hearts blackened to the core
Love to give us a little taste
and then rip it from us, as we desire more

And yet now you question my loyalty?
Try hide my truth without sound
I shan't be happy
till each and everyone of you lays on the ground

Because the truth is all around them
and they love their ignorant lies
Buried in them,
happily blinded till the gold dies

Why not listen to reason
or listen to what I have to say
But ignore me they shall
until their dying day

And to this cause I abandon
like a dog that can no longer be trained
For you were born into selfishness
truly can't be blamed

Run your mouth forever
continue spewing more lies untrue
But know that sooner I'd have my legs break
than bow before you

I wake up, as if it's any other day
Trying to remember what it was last night
which I heard you say
and while it feels the same, it's different
I sense that perhaps
today is a special day

So I jump out of bed,
with a sleepy smile
remaining on my face intact
Thoughts of you
beside half awake dreams
as I my memories recollect

Ah, what a glorious day
a wonderful reminder
of what we share
Of that first day I saw you
that perfect smile
and that beautiful hair

I'm reminded of the day
in which we each other
have confess
To each other love
and how we wish
to be together address

And it may surprise me
that since then
six months have past
With the amount
of happiness you give me,
I hope we shall always last

My dear angel
if happiness were a form of currency
no doubt I'd be rich
I only that you could be here
and that we have many more
anniversaries wish

Vicious shades of beauty
painted perfectly upon sheets
Leave eyes immobilized
Glowing radiantly
from head to feet

For they know what they want
their glances gaze true
Eyes glued upon beauty
undeniably
they desire you

For the sight is merely a taste
it is not the end of the amazement, do not fear
To experience all forms of beauty
onward to this maiden
one must be near

As two bodies connect
and a mood shift does start
Lost in the perfection of her eyes
Feeling nothing more
than the beating of a heart

As for her beauty,
mere words cannot describe
And within the epicenter of perfection
and kindness
to one conclusion I have arrive

That you must be an angel
with a body and heart too fine
Dropped from heaven, to this cruel world
I can't question why
but I am more than grateful,
that you are mine

For your selfish actions
lay I with you the blame
while feeling guilty in knowing
that in your position
I would have done the same

A man so hollow
who had let go of his dream
Awoke each day to a world
which had nothing left to share

A world
exploding with
what seemed similar to happiness
a distant feeling

But as time passed
he realized that
he could be brought brief moments
of joy
but still remained empty

What was lacking
was purpose

After years of observation
these tired eyes found an odd sight
an angel with wings broken
and a heart shattered at the core

This mystical creature
of such immense beauty
laying cold and alone
stained with blood and tears

With my rusted arms
I swooped her up
and supplied her with any warmth
I could possibly give
in my desperation to ease the pain
and try tend to her wounded heart

And in my occupation
of tending to her
I felt that emptiness whittle away
slowly and gently chipping
at the abyss within me

Months passed
and I can't begin to describe
the joy felt when she smiles
and while the marks never disappear
behind the smiles
they begin to fade

Good times,
there are a few now it would be seem
The painful thoughts and break downs
never seem far away

I'm trying
and it is tearing me apart
The attention required,
the countless nights of sleeplessness
over trying to comfort her.
But while it rips at me
I will never stop

For hearing the laugh
or seeing that beautiful smile
makes every moment worthwhile
It makes it worth living in this horrid world
this game with unfair rules and unbalanced sides
with players that would rather watch everyone else fall to their knees

..but this world can't be that bad
if it was the birth of you


I had no idea how to react
when I heard you say
"If it wasn't for you
I'd be probably be gone
long ago"

With this
I realized
my need to keep going
to keep pushing through every day
because now
I have found
my purpose

How I'm dying to speak to you
but I dare not say a word
My reasons may be a little coward
but I swear beyond it's looks,
it is more complex

Unforgotten
distant memories
And mind-torn scars
Leave me in absolute awe,
devastation and regret

For in my absence
I sense that
we both have grown
grown happier
and further apart

And while I miss you
and would love to hear your voice
I fear to hurt
what you have tried so hard to create
How you tried so hard
to escape how things were with me

And if you have
grown into your own new
happy little world
then who am I
to push inside and damage it
To create doubt
and uncertainty
To show you a ****** love
and half truths

And while it hurts inside
as if a blade is run through my chest
each time I consider picking up the phone
and calling you,
to hear that beautiful voice one more time
But resist I shall,
be strong I will,
for I care too much about you
to dare tear apart your life again
or even let the thought of me scratch it

Please forgive me
but when you call
I shall not answer
when you text
I won't reply
even if you knock at my door
I won't be home
because you are better off without me
and I am better off without you
to leave our perfect dream behind
and begin our own incompletable lives

A cold winters day
staring thoughtlessly out of a clear window
watching as the rain drops carelessly
onto the soaked brickwork below
without a single thought
I close my eyes
for no particular reason
and listen to the rain
hearing the drops
feeling them as if they landed on my bare skin
the cold freezing all doubt within me
and leaving me desolate
but not unhappy

accepting
that like the rain
everything
is cold
but in its own way
beautiful

A man so hollow
who had let go of his dream
Awoke each day to a world
which had nothing left to share

A world
exploding with
what seemed similar to happiness
a distant feeling

But as time passed
he realized that
he could be brought brief moments
of joy
but still remained empty

What was lacking
was purpose

After years of observation
these tired eyes found an odd sight
an angel with wings broken
and a heart shattered at the core

This mystical creature
of such immense beauty
laying cold and alone
stained with blood and tears

With my rusted arms
I swooped her up
and supplied her with any warmth
I could possibly give
in my desperation to ease the pain
and try tend to her wounded heart

And in my occupation
of tending to her
I felt that emptiness whittle away
slowly and gently chipping
at the abyss within me

Months passed
and I can't begin to describe
the joy felt when she smiles
and while the marks never disappear
behind the smiles
they begin to fade

Good times,
there are a few now it would be seem
The painful thoughts and break downs
never seem far away

I'm trying
and it is tearing me apart
The attention required,
the countless nights of sleeplessness
over trying to comfort her.
But while it rips at me
I will never stop

For hearing the laugh
or seeing that beautiful smile
makes every moment worthwhile
It makes it worth living in this horrid world
this game with unfair rules and unbalanced sides
with players that would rather watch everyone else fall to their knees

..but this world can't be that bad
if it was the birth of you


I had no idea how to react
when I heard you say
If it wasn't for you
I'd be probably be gone
long ago

With this
I realized
my need to keep going
to keep pushing through every day
because now
I have found
my purpose

My dear
please
I urge you to stop
While I love that you try
to show weight the door
and while I'm happy to see you motivated
this obsession
is beginning to hurt you

and
I care more
about your happiness
than how you look

No matter what happens,
or how you look.
I will always be here for you.

You will always be beautiful.

And in that moment
time and space stretched
the ground below became uneven
tearing open and pulling me down
the sadist shadows
laughing and beckoning me
even the trees screamed and cried
the sun fled beneath its silken counterparts
as the world began to shift
and reality began to fade
the emptiness found
as the sky began to bruise
to my destruction
in my acknowledgement
that I don't belong with you

Self indulged in rage-infested thought
Remain I my last resort
Dreams of cheer and plans we lay
Foolishly thinking we would come to that day

For then we thought we would ever last
Not to shatter to pieces in'a sudden blast
Talking on how we would name our children
Deep inside I feel as if I hav't **** them

Left alone in a sleepless night
Nothing but guilt, spil't left and right
For one who had such a clear conscience
To a mind of pain and other worthless nonsense

Dare I wish I you never met
Or hope you find a cruel death
For my mind has no place to lie
Filled with graves of the dreams you let die

Perhaps
what was lost
was never meant to be found

And after all my efforts
to forget
Here, now,
you stand before me

No longer
do I desire you
more than I do to exist
No longer
do I need you
to be with happy with my every decision

Heaven before me,
yet I remain untouched.
Considering
what I know to be inconsiderable.
Soaking in the moment
thinking of the potential
Smiling,
and then walking away.

Sating my broken desire
on this innocent moment of insanity.

You open your mouth
and more inside me dies
Your reasons, your excuses
I'm getting ******* sick of your lies

You tell me how he is like a brother
nothing more than just a friend
While sharing jokes behind my back
but hear nothing I shall pretend

Going out you say,
but wont tell me where
Deep down I know and fear
but buried I will remain in this despair

For I fear to lose you
my feelings have grown to you like rust
But after all the things you do
do you really expect to hold my trust?

To call this a relationship
would be an utter disgrace
How am I supposed to care for you
when you ******* lie to my face?

drenched in a blanket of flames
burning in the unforgiving immolation of disappointment
I reach out into the vacant space before me
through the embers I see scorching eyes
held in place by their own blistering inferno
imprisoned by the flames which hold them within
crying out as all which was cold within me burns
those eyes of compassion, love and jealousy
watch as the fire engulfs me completely

I prefer to walk in the dark
Thinking that I will not need to fear
what I am not able to see
But to surround yourself in darkness
is to walk blind
And while you may be surrounded
by both compassion and torment
You will neither absorb nor fear
what is out of sight
And I'm sorry to say
that being a shadow
does not provide you with immunity
And does not mean
that what you cannot see
will not hurt you

Walking side by side
holding what I thought a mutual respect
I have nothing against you
and you've never given me reason to

You would always give me a bump when I needed you
or kept clear out of my way

Never have I felt to doubt you
or put you in a bad light
While you kept your distance
I was always grateful you kept me in your sight

Hollow but sweet Misfortune
I'm afraid I too have arrived at your boat
And while I walk with his lies
my dear Friendship, slips a knife in Love's throat

It's funny how much I missed you
And then years later when I was given another chance
I laughed at it
I couldn't seem to understand why I wanted this
So I neglected it
And not long after
We ceased

A month later
I've come to miss her again
And 'realize' what a fool I was
to let what I always wanted
to slip away between my fingers

Such an odd feeling.

I think I simply crave
what I know I can no longer have

Fight for your life
Tear down your walls
Walk all over your problems
As every crumbling brick falls
Contending every insecurity
The endless battle mauls
Each day it continues
The same tiring brawls
Battered and beaten
Everyone covered in sores
Hurt and defeated
Dropping down on all fours
Laying motionless; defeated
While your insecurities still crawls

Struggling to get up
out of that caring bed which I lie
Pulling on some clothes
while wiping the sleep from my eye

Such a horrible morning
have to admit I feel like ****
Can't make the slightest conversation
unable to eat the slightest bit

And of course today had to be the day
in which my luck turned around
Waiting for the elevator
on the level ground

As a beautiful girl stands beside me
who I had never met before
Seems that we were both
heading to the third floor

And as we went up
I honestly couldn't find anything to say
The lift raised in silence
I just didn't have the energy today

If only I had slept earlier
then perhaps the moment could have been saved
I will remember this always
and never ever again forget to shave

Glaring at the pain-inspiring screen
Trying to come to terms with what I see
Motionlessly soaking in
As my mind tries to deceive itself
while filling itself with doubt, regret
and remorse

The tears begin to gather
and stream down the valley of my face
Dampening my shirt
and shattering my heart
Failing to breath
I am unable to look anywhere else
Staring uncontrollably
and trying to come up with some explanation

I see it before me
but am not able to accept it

Why did this happen
What did I do to deserve this

Hours later
Laying in my bed
Unable to sleep
Cannot shake the image
of what was seen on that feed

Just a short break

Her face
besides that of another man
Has done nothing more
than obliterate my heart
and ability to put my faith in anyone

Piercing your eardrums
Cower in fear as you hear
the deafening howl of a hellhound
Echoing of deathbrought crying
and screaming of banshees
Body burned from the inside
incineration by the infernal flames
burning from the black flames of hell
While being immobilized by
the cold lifeless kiss from death

Pain?

None come close
to that feeling
when you find out
that your loved one
loves someone else

A segment of a relation
which at times has happiness brought
But too each side has felt
the cold touch of her breath
and the question she poses
as warmth fades with comfort
and true feelings hide behind doubt

I never imagined that it was possible
that one could be in the presence of an angel
and feel so *****
For I am covered and dripping
in not my insecurities
but ours both

And in my suffering
I weep for two

For I lay beside a fading star
who's beauty is becoming hard to see

Who assures me I am loved
and tries to iron out our distress
But we will both remain tormented
with Misery as my mistress