I was sure I’d have an issue
When you went to Mogadishu
But I didn’t use a tissue
Cos I didn’t even miss you

I was sure I’d feel some pain
When you left here for Bahrain
But as long as there’s a plane
You’d soon be back again

I have to see a quack
Since you left here for Iraq
And now we’re wearing black
Cos you’re never coming back

There once was a lady named Clare
Whose pregnancy gave me a scare
So just to be sure
I hid by her door
And gave her a shove down the stair

Goose bumps form
My skin crawls
In a good way

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon england's mountains green?
And was the holy lamb of god
... On england's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was jerusalem builded here
Among those dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!
Bring me my spear: o clouds unfold!
Bring me my chariots of fire!
I will not cease from metal fight;
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built jerusalem
In england's green and pleasant land.

My head is filled with cheese
My mind is filled with lard
I have crusty rolls for knees
My boiled sweet eyes are hard

So hard I can't see you for what you really are!
So hard I can't really see very far!

But what does it matter
If you should get fatter

You don't delight me.......So bite me!

I’m fine at work, I’m me again
I don’t think of women when surrounded by men
All in this together, all in the same boat
But come Five O’clock, I’m cut loose to float
I’m sat in my dingy, alone once more
Just sat in my dingy, without an oar
Again cast adrift to float through this sea
Like life of Pi, yet no one but me
Bobbing around, sending up flares
But nobody notices, nobody cares
Hardly aware I’m feeling this pain
Then come Nine O’clock I’m needed again

Shame she didn't quite outlast Maggie,

My nan was nicer!