Hello Poetry. Sad,
I Know. But there are
just too many things
I don't like. I hate to
be rude, or disappear
without notice. So I'm
posting this first,
and then, in a few days
will deactivate my
account. It's been a pleasure
knowing and reading
you all. I've been
very active on
DeviantArt, if you're
interested. I'll put
a link in the author's
comments. Follow me
there, and join me
too! It's a wonderful
community of
artists. Much love to
HP! No hard feelings,
please.

Our love was like
the quill you gave me for Christmas
that one year, that
I never learned how to use.
Aesthetically pleasing,
object of envy,
idea of perfection, but
sloppy and awkward in practice.

We could've been brilliant,
but we could never get it right.
So we gave up trying, to gather dust
on display.

But even that grew less appealing
(until it wasn't anymore).

Our affair was like
the bag of dark chocolate kisses
you gave me on our first Christmas
together.
I devoured the entire thing
in secret, and
threw away the wrappers
without a thought.

We were meant to be
expendable.
So we took all that was offered,
and gave nothing in return.

But all bad habits take time to break
(until they don't anymore).

If I were a tumbleweed,
I think I'd like for you to be the wind.
I wouldn't mind if maybe,
You'd just take me, and I could see
the world upon your whim.

But, I'm not a tumbleweed...
I like to think I'm wild as the jungle.
And you, Oh, precious you,
would never dare to cage me,
But tangle with me -
Bloom and over-grow.
Then together, we'd be rapturous and elusive.

I know, I know,
My disposition's fickle, love.
But you've got my heart beating
to your song.
I'm still a bird,
Whose only love is melody -
And my wings are growing weary;
I think I'd like to rest upon
your branches.

I want to be shaken.
To feel {{ eternity, }}
and taste death.
To dip my feet in youth,
and           sandcastles         of
        build                     out       time.

I want to hold my life in the palms of my hands,
and watch it s.c.a.t.t.e.r. in the wind,
to see which moments light-up-like-stars
or lightning bugs,
And which ones only create ~ dust ~
on other people's keepsakes.
But I'm afraid,              (so afraid)
too much of it would just be ash
that blows ~ away...
And no one could call that beautiful.

If I knew every moment was precious,
I wouldn't spend another moment here.
I want to be moved;
I need to be
                     *shaken.

The way you lace wonderful words together
to form stellar sentences
leaves me    {{ breathless.}}
You say the most heavy words, like it's effortless
and I am moved.

They slip gracefully
                                  off
                                        your
                                                 tongue
to rest in my marrow,
decorating my brainwaves and
bringing light to all my darkest places.

They meet me in my nightmares
and
lace their fingers through mine
        like it's where they were meant to be,
              ...like they'll never leave my side again,
                       ...like a promise.

And you know I believe in you so much,
                                                                    (so much.)
But
mybed'sstillemptyeverynight.

And even though your words meet my eyes
After bouncing off satalites,
I can only thank them for traveling - so far - to
tickle my finger tips and
                                                                  ed.
                                                              rn
                                                          tu
make the corners of my mouth up

They're still only meteors burning up
                                                                before
                                                                             i.m.p.a.c.t.
(and they could never hold me)

But, my fingers will whisper a reply,
Give it a second to bounce around in space
(It may get distracted by a few stars on the way),
You'll still light up upon reading,
"I love you."

(even.badly.)

I've been knocking on all the wrong doors,
So God flung open a window and told me to breathe.
"Be still," He whispered,
"You've forgotten all the things I ever taught you."
I fell onto the floor and didn't move;
I wore my shame like clothes that didn't fit right.
"It's just that, these lights have grown dimmer, Lord.
When I was no longer able to see, I died to feel instead."
My excuse was flimsy, but I clutched it to my chest;
It was all I had to replace my faltering heartbeat.
"You can't feel anything when you're dead,
And you're always learning everything the hard way."
I closed my eyes and let His words surround me;
They seeped into my skin, strengthening my sinew.
A spark caught in my soul, reigniting a fire I'd forgotten.
I opened up my eyes to see the walls were made of glass.
The world outside was beautiful,
But God told me not to move,
"A storm's coming, child. I'll let you watch,
but I wont let it touch you. And when it passes,
I'll open up the door."
He tested me with storms, but tempted me with freedom.
I put my trust in Him.
So when thunder rattled the walls and threatened my being,
I sat in silence and watched the storm roll in.
With every streak of lightning and every drop of rain,
I came back to life.

I missed you yesterday.
So I started folding paper planes,
But I knew they'd never reach you.
Aerodynamics         paper              really         up.
                          and            doesn't            a­dd

I switched to folding boats instead,
And they looked strong and sharp.
But they sank even
                                  faster
                   ­                         than
                                   ­                  my
                                                            he­art.
And, no one ever taught me how to sail.

Then, I tried my hand at paper cranes,
Because, I read somewhere,
"One thousand cranes are good for one true wish."
But I stopped after forty-three,
When I ran out of square paper and band-aids.

So, I folded up some stars instead,
But they weren't any good.
They didn't twinkle and they couldn't
                                                        ­          even
                                                  ­                          fall...
(and i stopped wishing on stars years ago).

I gave up on origami; I was never very good.
Paper only likes me when with pen.
Instead, I'll try to reach you
with the words I love to write --
poetry [and] promises [and] dreams
(and maybe a few apologies for loving you all wrong).
All I really wanted to say was,

"Baby, run away with me."

But I didn't think - the words alone - would move you.

My hands are tied behind my back, and
I've swallowed more keys than I can count.
The devil himself couldn't pick these locks and,
God's still on a sabbatical.
I slept for a thousand years but,
Still woke up just in time to see you leaving.
You kissed me awake with no intention of saving me,
Even though you knew my fears were dragons holding me back.
They don't breathe fire; they just burn me up.
I tried to scream, but opened my mouth to
realize my vocal chords were out of tune.
The sound came out as scratches and
I choked on the flecks of rust.
You walked away while whispering, "You never moved me,"
But the sound waves couldn't reach my ears in time;
I dove from the lone window in my tower,
And as I fell, I prayed that I could fly.

I'd like to close my eyes and
breathe you in and
die.

I'm choking on your heartbeat, but
who needs to swallow?
Your muscles wrap around me,
constricting my every move.
I'm caged in by beautiful happenings and
I'm in love with your tense-and-release.
My skin sticks to your lips as
My fingers get tangled in your hair.
Your body is a garden I am lost in;
Your vines tie me down and
I am ravaged. The air is
thick and salty as the ocean;
We could drown together
(and i would welcome it).
We saw eternity but forgot to
take any pictures, then we
traveled back in time to make sure
life couldn't go on without us.
Our battle scars will tell the
story better than we could.
The moment was so heavy
it almost crushed me,
(and i think i wouldn't have minded).
No one lives forever and
I'd like to die while I'm living.
We squeezed a lifetime into
one euphoric moment; I
wouldn't dare let ***** greed
ask for more.

I'd like to close my eyes and
breathe you in and

*die.

He suffocates me as you
watch; callous and indifferent, he will
chew me up and spit me out.
I breathe tar into my lungs and call it
love; my spine turns into paste,
oozing through my pores and into his
mattress. And even if you could
scoop me up, I'd still be * pliable* -
putty in your hands.
You believe in saving, like I believe in
being saved, but I'm still just
treading water while you
swim. And my dawn hasn't scared away
my darkness. He's holding me under while I
thrash; My bones may turn into
pearls, but I wont develop
gills in time to breathe, and
there's a good chance I've been
dead for years already anyways. Let me
slip through your fingers like
sand or time, God knows I've never
been worth saving. Yesterday I was
beautiful, today I'm shooting stars, but
tomorrow I'll just be the
blood you can't seem to
wash from under your fingernails. I'm
unforgettable for no other reason than
you can't rinse my taste from your
mouth; I like to leave
scars - So save your energy for yourself and
let him take me; the truth is,
We deserve each other.

There are days I wake up and realize I'm dead;
I'm rotting from the inside as my
Muscles and my sinew and my heart
All go the way of my mind --
Lost-lost-lost.
I move at the pace of breathing,
But even that isn't fast enough to
Wade through all the ******* in time to come up for air,
Or slow enough to stop.
My feet weren't made for running
Like my heart wasn't made for loving,
And I only know how to dance in place anyway.
Still, I cling to my own skin and my fire,
My apathy, zeal, destruction,
My chaos and contradiction,
And all the ****** up things that make us human.
I'd take as much as I give, but no one's offering, so I'll
take-take-take
Until there's no one left to use.
My sweet smile will cover the abuse,
And you'll still give me your heart, or your bed.
I'm not convinced anyone knows the difference anymore.
But I'm holding out for the day I wake up to the sun,
Throw open my windows and breathe.
The day I transcend the dirt to feel alive
With wild abandon and a wicked passion for
more-more-more.
Breathe in the sky and inject stars into my veins,
Never stopping and never satisfied
Because this is what it's like to be alive.
I'm not settling and I wont settle down,
We're all dying everyday,
But my clock is still ticking away.
My bones will become dust, yet,
And someone will cry over my shattered life.
But we're all just waste w.a.s.t.i.n.g. away,
And if you're lucky,
Someone will smile when it's over and
promise-promise-promise
It was your life that made them live.
And in the end, I couldn't ask for more.

I'd like to lay in the grass like I used to,
Back when innocence lit my eyes from the inside
And shone through my being like a thousand stars in my skin.

My stars got lost inside my veins somewhere along the way,
When I invited charm to sit with me, and
Traded in grass for soft matresses
And innocence for sin.

My weatherworn skin tore, and everytime
My stars leaked through the cracks leaving scars like comet's tails.
They only shine for a short time,
Until they're just a story that you hope someone will want to hear someday.
But my bones are poking through in too many places,
For anyone to believe I'm anything more than fragile.
And everyone's afraid to get too close.

I'll wrap myself in lace and paint my eyes white.
The dirt under my nails will fall away.
But I can't hide the hollowness in my chest,
Because nobody notices that thump-thump-thump
Until it's gone.

I like to pretend
That you still listen
To each word I choose
With careful precision,

Harboring them in your heart,
For a less complicated tomorrow.

The downfall of my motivation
Is my incesant indecision
And my lack of inspiration
Tinged by bitter criticism.

I try
and fail to fly.

I am a drop,
Creating a ripple.
I fall and I fade, before I'm a wave;

Still,
I aspire to move you.

I am a seed,
A thought, or a tree.
I aim to implant an interminable rant,

And
Grow into passions unmoving.

I am a light,
Aglow in the night.
Just like a star, so faint and so far;

It's a
Miracle you see me at all.

I am so small,
So inconsequential.
But if I shine pure, I can be quite sure,

You'll
See my light after I'm gone.

The sky is pink with the sunset and,
The clouds look like cotton candy.
I want to eat popcorn at carnivals,
or spend all day by riverbanks soaking up the atmosphere.
The air is tinged with sun tan lotion, freshly mowed grass and,
the laughter of children playing in puddles
left over from afternoon showers.
The breeze is thick and warm, flowing through the skirts of lovers
And kissing bare shoulders.
Daisies and dandelions tilt their faces towards the sun,
Proudly pretending they each deserve to be picked and
braided into chains, adorning necks and hair.
Little girls dressed in sunshine
dance in the evening glow, as
little boys catch fireflies in an attempt to captivate and impress.
I hold my breath as the sun dips below the horizon and,
sets the sky on fire one last time.
I could swear time stops
As everything transforms into silhouettes of what they were.
The clouds give way to a million stars, that still can't shine
as bright as your eyes.
The whole world tucks itself away, but not us.
We lounge in the cool grass and breathe in the moment when
all I can feel is your hand in mine, and
the earth still coming alive with summertime.

You make my heart fly like it's still whole,
like the bones in my wings aren't brittle and broken
and these palpatations actually follow some sort of a beat.

Like maybe my feathers are still beautiful,
even though I've made a habit out of flying too close to the sun.
Suddenly, it's heat just warms my skin,
and now I'm glowing.
Instead of bursting into flames.

You burn me from the inside out,
but it's a comfortable energy.
You play my strings so delicately,
I feed off the vibrations.

You make me feel like a song,
that missed a beat, but found it just in time for the crescendo.
And now I'm playing on
like nothing bad has ever happened in my life.

Just like a Dali painting --
Beautiful and ugly and brilliant
and no one's sure exactly what it means...
But you're the artist,
and in your eyes, every stroke makes sense and I'm perfection.

All my fondest memories are dreams.
Days I've painted over and re-written.
Like that time we spent all night talking and,
I had to sneak in before my parents woke up.
Or that time he took me to the city and,
We held hands as we walked the golden gate.
Or that time we went up on the parkway and,
He kept me warm as we looked at the stars.
Such pretty scraps of paper for my keep-sake box.

Today is foggy with sleep and underuse.
I'm an old toy that got lost and then everyone forgot about.
I can breathe in fresh air until my lungs ache,
But that wont clense me of my need for numbing pollutants;
I can soak up sunshine until my skin is black,
But that wont rid me of my unquenchable thirst for rain.
Yesterday's smile isn't getting me through today;
I slept too long last night.

Tomorrow, tomorrow
is just another day I'll spend asleep,
Waiting, always waiting
for my ship to come in,
So I can go sailing.
But that doesn't really add up.
And I know ships don't even have sails.

Tomorrow,
Kasey will pick me up around noon.
And he will save my life,
                                                 for a day.

They say "the devil is a liar."
For spouting out hurtful things that we don't want to hear.
But if,
the-truth-hurts and most-people-want-the-lie.
Then maybe,
He's just being honest.
Instead of whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Hi, I'm (insert name here).
And I'm an [addict] to addiction
or
whichever drug will hit the hardest,
take me highest,
make me numb,
[or occasionally feel alive] --
(like you, your love, good ***, caffeine and sleep)
or maybe,
(online shopping, charming smiles, loud music and doting words).
But never
c.h.e.m.i.c.a.l.s.
I wouldn't touch the stuff.
Like it matters...
They're all pain killers and sedatives,
to me.

I run in circles making sense of us.
But I still don't get it, and it's only making me hate you.
It's not your fault that I still think about you every night,
or that the smell in the air makes me want to point out constellations
with you.
And spend all day in your bed watching bad tv.

But really, the rain is to blame.
Because every time it falls I think of the day you walked away and how,
I couldn't cry until it stopped.
Like I was waiting my turn.
And by the way, I actually quite liked seeing you in my dreams.
At least then I was seeing you.

And honestly, I'm really sorry
that when you believed in me the most,
I just didn't know what to say.
So I lied until we stopped talking,
Like a get out of jail free card, except now,
You probably hate me.

While I'm here confessing, you should know,
You never meant a **** thing.
Not even a little.
And you never will.
I-was-using-you and you-were-a-mistake.

I heard somewhere "the truth will set you free,"
At least, that's what you taught me.
But I never believed in you because,
You always hated me.
And I hate the way you talk about me when you think I'm not around.
Yea, you're not fooling anyone.

Still, I love the way you say you love me,
Like I'm the best thing since getting high.
Because I could float around on your words all day.
But sometimes I think, we're getting closer to a problem,
Than we are to the solution.
And that chills me all the way into my marrow.

Also, baby, you should know, I love your arms around me and,
the way you make me feel like I'm the sun.
But I hate the way you lie,
and need, and sometimes disappear.
And I could never ever love you quite enough.
So please don't try and make me.

By the way, I think you're wonderful.
But sometimes I get scared that you don't love me anymore.
Because you're tired and I've been hanging on for far too long,
You can't drown with me anymore.
I guess, it's time to swim.
Or at the very least, tred water.

Have I mentioned yet that you're my hero?
I really wish I could be more like you.
But the thing is, I always thought I was.
And hearing what you really thought about me
broke my heart.
Maybe someday, I'll learn how to try harder.
Or care.

Before I go I need to clarify, I hate you just as much as
I love you.
But the love is the only part that will go on forever.
And I know,
The feeling is mutual.

Splash out a moist printing impression,

Chiseling an angry replica god of clay.

Electric rhythm masticates waste in two.

Captured decay inspired death of poison desire.

Feel morass young essence that makes a masterpiece.

Dazzling black illusions above nefarious comedy,

Evoke dead wood to open an abstract symbol.

Those surreal senses draw a brazen icon to life.

I get this feeling about you --
One that stretches beyond explination.
Almost like the feeling of home,
but different.
Like being around you would make things okay
that aren't okay.

You make me feel safe...
Like the breeze on a summer day,
Comfortable and warm.
I want to lounge around with you
                                                             ­     forever.

Love is a role;
Life is a game.

Or is it the other way around?

All I know is that when I'm with you,
I can't get into character and,
I forget all my lines.
And suddenly,
I forfeit.

But I still win awards.
You're a shiny little statue with my name on it.

And you make me *shine.

I want the best of you but,
I want your worst.

I'll take all of your flaws and,
tie them into chains and call them beautiful.
I'll wear them in my hair and around my neck,
Until they begin to wilt, and then
I'll press them between the pages
of my favorite books.
So I'll always remember them fondly.

I'll take your imperfections and,
paint them into pictures for my walls.
I'll decorate the places that I dwell
with each and every one, and call it home.
Until the colors fade, and then
I'll press them into photo albums
that we can show our friends,
While we tell them all of our stories.

I want all of your strengths but,
I want your weaknesses too.
Because that is just how much I love you.

There's a flood in my front yard.
The sky lets out  a sigh
as the clouds grumble.
Lightning winks to me that everything will be okay.

The windows are sealed up tight but,
My house still might become a boat.
And I'll sail it out to the ocean and
Over the horizon, and if I'm lucky
We'll fall right off the edge of the earth.

If there are waterfalls in space,
I'd like to ride one down.
And then I'll kiss the stars on my way out.

I'll write you a letter from the edge of everything,
So you can know exactly what you're missing and,
wish you'd come along.

To feel like my ribcage cannot contain
the tremendous racket that is my
heartbeat.

With flung venom and sharp fangs,
You berate me, endlessly.
And I cower.
Dig my fingernails into my palms until they bleed.
It doesn't stop the tears from burning my iris' black
(the boys I'll turn to someday for validation
will tell me that they're beautiful.
And I'll stay in bed with them all day,
Never bothering to mention why I'm so tired).

But right now,
My scars are open wounds,
And you've made a game out of pouring salt onto them.

The pain is so profound, it will stay with me
For years.
But you'll belittle that too.
Until, everytime I lose control,
I think of you.

It's no wonder I don't know what innocence is anymore.

Don't you love the rain?
Reminicent of a place,
That could be heaven.
And you find comfort in that,
Now that you have escaped hell.

He told me not to leave my heart in San Francisco.
I told him
My heart wasn't mine to leave.
But,
The cold wind
Was already blowing in off the bay,
And it chilled him to the bone.

So when he slipped my heart
Back into my pocket,
I put it on my sleeve to get some sun.
And it painted pretty pictures
Of the place it first began to beat.

There's no denying,
From the beginning and,
In the end,
My heart always belonged to California.

I like to wear flowers in my hair and,
Robots around my neck.
They whisper to me stories of places I've never been,
And toxic lullabys when I can't sleep.
But they never tell me where to go,
Or what I should be doing instead.

They tell pretty lies (about me being friendly)
To unsuspecting people,
And assure them (at the very least),
I'm different.
And everyone wants to be my best friend,
Until they realize
It's not a mask, it's vanity.
I'll paint up my eyes but,
I wont paint on a smile.

So compliment my fashion sense,
But watch out for my disposition.
There's a bite to my bark that can leave scars
On places no one can even see.
I'll love you completely or,
I wont love you at all.

Just don't try to make me into something I'm not.
Because,
I'm done pretending that I'm anything else.
I'm a lovely little package with a "fragile" sticker.
But I'm wild,
Don't try to tame me.

Your eyes tell of an insatiable hunger
for me,
my person, my body, my heart.
You will devour me,
If only in your dreams.

Dreams, nightmares, fantasies.
Your imagination takes off with my memory,
My scent, my smooth skin, my ragged breath...
The way our bodies fit together
just right.

Right, I was never right.
I was never the girl in the white dress.
I was never your angel.
But.you.had.me.tamed.
I was wild and free, and undeniably yours.

Your broken princess, your awesome disaster.
And in your arms I was beautiful.
And in mine,
You were free,
Calm, safe, whole, home.

Home was something we didn't recognize
anymore.
And I had a reputation that was never wholesome enough
To stand in front of a priest, or your mother.
But you still wanted me.

Me, who loved you every moment
With my sin stained hands and my broken halo
And my singed wings.
I never claimed to be perfect,
But I loved you perfectly.

Perfectly and ravenously,
We hunger for each other still.
So once the world has made you hideous
You'll come back to me.
And understand that

*perfect love makes you whole.

I disassemble, unravel, deconstruct.

I am broken by
your changing whim...
The crushing weight of
your unpredicatable currents.

Because --
By love I was begun,
And,
By love I am undone.

(I will lose this fight)

I wish you never made me smile.
Because
Everytime you do,
I miss you.
And I tell myself,
We can be friends.
And I should try,
Just one more time.

But friends
Don't make you cry
And then
Kiss you goodnight,
Just to leave you hanging.

They don't
Hold your hand
While you
Pour your heart out,
Just to disappear.

And they sure as hell
Don't make promises
**Just to break them.

You see through me,
Know me.
Knock the breath
From my lungs.

Eyes that break me,
Shatter me.
I cannot even
Stand.

Words erase me,
Escape me.
There is nothing left
To say.

Except...
I am fading,
f.a.d.i.n.g.
Paint me black.

*I am nothing without you.

You loved me l.i.g.h.t.l.y.
I only felt it
In my bones.
You were a sickness,
And I --
Was the infected.
You
Took me over,
And I --
Ached with your weight.
You loved me lightly...
But,
You used me like a **grave.

I want to know how you take your coffee.

I'd like to gather up all of your pieces
And pierce them with sewing needles.
I'll watch them bleed,
And scab and scar,
Until they result in you.

I'll shine a light into your darkest places,
And scribble down your secrets.
Let a feather duster explore the things long forgotten,
Until all of your sins have been uncovered.
Let a flaming wick alight your eyes,
Until your passions burst forth, uninhibited.

I'd like to trace your lines, your cracks,
Your every imperfection,
Until your mind unhinges completely.
I'll drive you mad with my probing.
You'll be crazy with me.
And I'll be lost somewhere inside of you.

And neither of us, will ever be the same.

You're so broken,
Give it time and even I wont love you.
I'll learn to resent you.
For the way you need me, the way you use me.
I'm not a cure; I'm not even a treatment.
I'm just a crutch.
I'm what somehow justifies your pathetic existence.
And I hate you for it.
For making it seem like I said it was okay.
Because I understood.

Understanding isn't an excuse
To keep living like you have nothing to live for.

I know how it feels to be empty,
To be lost,
To be lonely,
To be broken.
But I never gave up thinking someone would care.
Someone does care.
I care.
And you know it.
It makes me sick how you ignore that.
And I can't stand to hear about how lonely you are,
When that was your choice.
Or how lost you are,
When I could give you meaning.

Don't complain to me, stupid boy,
Your whimpering will fall on deaf ears.

You begged me not to hate you.
You begged me.
I thought it was silly.
I would always love you.
Now I understand.
You have so much potential.
You are so much better than the person you portray.
And you could be happy.
But instead you lock that person away,
Because it's easier to be a coward.
You hide behind a ******* who's just looking to get laid.
Another day is just another drink.

I hope you drown in one of those bottles,
And go to bed alone.

Puddles of light are gathering under the street lamps.
If it were raining I wouldn't mind not being able to see the stars.
I'll just stare at the cracks in my driveway instead,
Or lay back on the hood of the car,
And watch the way my cigarette smoke dances in the air.
It's almost beautiful.

I'll remember times I had someone's hand to hold.
Music would be coming from the stereo.
He might even ask me to dance.
But back then, I never would have had smoke in my lungs.

I'll remember the nights it was really too cold to be outside,
So he would move a little closer,
And we would let sin keep us warm.
But back then, I never would have missed the stars.

I'll remember the times I never made it out of the car.
The conversation was too captivating,
His lips were too welcoming.
But back then, I never would have noticed the cracks in anything.

Now,
I'll light another cigarette,
Pretend I could splash around in the puddles of light under the street lamps,
Watch it glisten and fade into the cracks in my driveway.
Then, lay back on the hood of the car,
And watch the way the end of my cigarette burns hotter than any of the other flames I thought about tonight,
Still, it burns out just as quickly.
It's almost beautiful.

Love, like the scenes lost inside this tortured night,
Disintergrates on the whims of a fleeting dream.
I'll hide my breaking heart behind deceitful eyes,
As their light slips away through silent screams.

(Why can't I sleep forever?)

I need a sedative.
Desperation never looked good on anyone.
But when I show a little skin and do my make-up just right,
I can make it more than passable.
I can make them fall in love with the way my body becomes music, and my hollow gaze, and my photo-shopped smile...
All before they even know my name.
Not that they will ever care to know it.

My emptiness is unbearable.
And my heart is running away with my mind,
So they can live in train cars
Or abandoned warehouses
Or maybe a nice treehouse somewhere.
If they're smart, they'll see the world before settling down.

Meanwhile,
What's left behind is walking along the streets in quiet neighborhoods,
Humming sad songs that sound like hallelujah and empty orchestras,
While the rain melts me into the cracks in the sidewalk.
I'll be nothing at all by morning.

I'm not a real girl anyways.
I'm a memory box.
Keep your best of times tucked away in me.
I'll gather dust in the garage, or the attic, or the basement.
Or maybe, if I'm really lucky, a shelf in your room,
Where, at least occasionally, you'll glance at me and smile.
But even that is aiming pretty high.

My life made sense before
You.
I was happy without you.
I was happy alone.

Nothing makes sense now.
Nothing.at.all.

Now I feel like something
is
missing.

Now --
My bed feels empty,
And my phone seems too quiet,
And I'm always angry,
And everything looks breakable.

But,
Not as breakable as me.

My bones are glass and,
My skin is tissue paper.
I'm crinkled and torn...
And these cuts hurt the worst.

I don't think I would feel quite so
empty,
If I never felt
whole.
I wouldn't feel so
invisable,
If I'd never been
seen.
I wouldn't feel so
fragile,
If I'd never been
saved.

So thanks for that.

Remember when I could stand on my own?
I was so **** good at it.
I was strong.
I was intrepid.
I was ******* untouchable.
I guess we all have our weaknesses...
Mine was a perfect smile,
And eyes that could shoot me all the way to the moon and back.

Life before you made sense.
Life with you made sense.
Life after you isn't even worth mentioning.

I'm telling myself to wish you the best,
But the worst could mean so much more for me.
I can't stand the thought of you leaving.
Because your words still echo in my thoughts:
'Maybe'
'Someday'
'Need'
The things you say to make me hold on,
Make me hate you.
Make me love you.
Is it worth it?
I'm hanging on your every move.
And I feel helpless.
And I miss your face.
But I know,
If you wanted to see me you would.
And that's what kills me.
Because you haven't.
You give me just enough,
So I'm there every time you look.
You're just like all the others.
And I'm so easy to use.
Everyday, I lose a little more faith,
That what I saw in you was real.
But maybe you're just scared.
Someone told me once,
Every man is a coward until he's not anymore.
So that's what I think.
I think you're a coward,
Who can't face me;
Who can't love me;
Who can't save me.
Because you're not willing to leave any of yourself behind.
And baby, I get that.
Which is why I wont call you out.
I'll just wish you the best.
And show you what real love is.
And pray to God, you're not too dumb to see it.
And that it wont be so late,
When you wake up and realize you need me,
And you want me,
And you want me to need you,
That I've decided I no longer want you

**At all.

My days are filled with,
Poetry and Pandora --
Read and write and sing...
(I'm nothing if not lonely)
Bug me anytime you want.

Sometimes,
I stare at your picture,
Wishing I had something better to do.
While you're out with
other girls.
But I was supposed to be the one
dating boys,
that you were supposed to hate.
I can't.
Because they would all fall in love.
And I don't need any more trophies that beat.

Waiting for you,
Is like waiting for morning --
By the time it comes,
I'm fast asleep.

I think my rules went out the window
When I said, "I like you."
(like that's so monumental)
I fall in love with every boy I meet,
If only for a moment,
Anyways.
And rules are meant to be broken.
And I'm nothing if not a rebel.

But you,
Oh, sweet you,
You'll think you're something special.
And maybe you would be,
If I knew how to care.
But all I really want is love when,
it.doesn't.want.me.

Still,
I was struck when you said,
"YOU deserve flowers and candy."
Because really,
No one does,
And you know it.

So maybe,
It's your obnoxious arrogance,
Or your strong opinions,
Or the way you constantly disagree with me
Seemingly
just.for.the.hell.of.it.
But
When you said I was something special,
I believed you.

And truly,
You'vegotmehangingonyoureveryword.

You'll weave pretty futures for us --
Promises you'll never keep,
Plans you'll never even attempt...
And I know it.

I'll stare at you and smile.

You'll decorate our tomorrows,
With dollar signs,
And wedding rings,
And a house where we can live.
Empty, empty...
And I know it.

I'll stare at you and smile.

You'll pack a bowl for us to smoke with your father.
We'll promise to watch television with your mother.
We'll pretend to make dinner plans with your sister.
We'll never leave your room.
And I know it.

I'll stare at you and smile.

You'll say how well you know me.
You'll claim how much you love me.
You'll try to read my thoughts.
You'll fail.
And I know it.

I'll stare at you and smile.

I don't have to travel 600 miles,
to know how this story ends.
I'm a better
liar
than I ever imagined.

I'll just stare at you and smile.

Your words captivate me.
And I'm a sucker for words...

I have the strangest urge
To just watch you do anything.
You fascinate me.

I want to memorize the way you move --
Because I've never seen it before,
And I don't want to forget.

I want to know your scent.
Close my eyes and breathe...
I'll imprint you in my memory.
You're intoxicating.

I want to fight against you --
Feel your passion,
Anger?
Strength.
It's palpable; It's suffocating.

I want to lay in bed
And listen to you talk
For hours.

Your words captivate me.
And I'm a sucker for words.

You ache, you ache, you ache;
Why wont you let me love you?
Why must you make me wait?
I cannnot wait forever...

Why wont you let me love you?
I would live to make your sun shine brighter;
I would die to take away your pain.

Why must you make me wait?
Each day is an empty promise;
Each night is an empty bed.

I cannot wait forever --
The more I know, the more I love.
And the more I love, the more I ache.

My subconscious owns me;
I have no control.

I am --
An explicit enigma.
A steadfast storm.
A controlled catastrophe.
A delicate disaster.
An awesome accident.
An intrepid injury.

I am --
Carefully.constructed.chaos.

And sometimes,
Even I don't know me.