If I never sleep,
I never have to wake up
To another day,
I'm just not ready to face;
Why can't time just stop at night?

I spend all this time,
With my head lost in the clouds,
Thanks to you; and yet,
I'll keep your feet on the ground.
It is beautiful up here.

My emotion hides.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh...
Suffocate me in,
Every single thing you are;
I will love you from afar.

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
But what if I don't want to be safe?

Put me in a room filled with smoke and strangers,
And music so loud
You can't hear the mistakes you're making,
Or the sins you're saying outloud.
Feed me play-time poisons,
So all my inhibitions slip right off.
And everything I feel is unreal,
Until I don't feel anything at all.
And then
With fuzzy eyes and ringing ears,
And sweat dripping down our backs,
We'll fall in lust
And call it love,
Just for tonight.
And I'll let you take a piece of me,
With little coaxing.
If you promise to remember my name...
Or my face?
Or maybe just the way my body felt against yours,
The way your hands moved over my curves,
The way I had you gasping for air,
And The way I left you wanting more.

And you'll feel it tomorrow.
When the pound in your head
And the twist in your gut
Feels more like a hole in your heart
That's shaped like me.

Or at least,
That's what I'll tell myself.
Because for those few hours,
I was on top of the world.
And from up there,
I couldn't feel the pain of being me.

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
Well,
That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Oh, insomnia, thou art a heartless *****.
And yet, I embrace thee --
For staying with me every night,
When no one else does.

My bed is quite the companion.
He keeps me warm,
When it's too cold to walk away.

So, wrap your arms around me and we'll wait for the sun to rise together.

The winter months are the harshest --
The nights are far too cold,
The days are far too short,
And every minute I'm awake is never-ending.

I hardly ever see the sun.

I'll swallow something bitter;
Let my stomach catch on fire...
And sing silent songs to the stars --
They listen to me every night,
When no one else does.

I think I'll let you hold me for a little while longer,
Because I love the warmth
As much as you love me.
And you might think I'm cruel for letting you hold me together,
But you need to feel strong
Like I need to breathe.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep me warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who's on my mind.

I think I'll let you use me for a little while longer,
I love to feel needed
Like you love to feel free.
And you might think I'm blind for thinking we might get together,
But I need the lie
As much as you need me.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep my warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who'd on my mind.

And you can tell me
That it's empty
And it doesn't mean a thing.
Well, I'm hoping
Just for your sake
That is what you really think.
'Cause the truth is
We're all users
In a drug infested life.
Where the cause
Of the effect
Is being lonely and alive.

Oh,
The lessons that we learn at the bottom of a bottle.
Desperately 'loving,'
Attention starved,
Clinging to closeness,
'Memories.'
Blurry drunken happenings.
Escapism at it's finest.
Take these strangers,
Call them friends and lovers.
Lace these nights,
With flings and fleeting things.
And,
Pictures you just want to earase
The next morning.
But,
If we're being more honest,
The truth is I'd rather not be.
And between you, me and the buzz we've got going,
This can be real for just tonight.
And by the time we wake up tomorrow,
Sleep will have made it feel like a dream.
That,
We can live with.
Even though, it still leaves me empty.
I'd never admit that once I'm sober.
Because by then,
That poison-honesty-serum,
Will have worn off.

The storm outside is little comfort.
It rattles my windows and pounds my roof.
The walls creak with exhaustion.
I am not relieved.
I thought such rain and wind
Might make these four walls
More comforting than they are confining.
To no avail.
I am as caged as ever.
And I'm not singing.

I think I'd like to be outside,
Amidst the disaster.
Maybe it would make me feel more whole.
The way so much destruction can make you feel small,
But in a good way.
The way the uncontrollable can make you feel secure.
Because you, at least, are grounded.
But then,
What if I don't want to be grounded?
I think I'd like to soar.

The storm outside is little comfort.
Because the storm inside is still far more distracting.
I'm enveloped by it and swept away.
Until,
I lift my head and see these four walls.
But I am not relieved.
My own disaster spills across the floor and,
Is contained.
I am as caged as ever.
And I am not singing.

You make breathing more difficult.
My stomach contracts.
I think I might be sick,
But only with your disease.
If something is wrong with me,
At least I know it's the same thing that's wrong with you.
That has to mean something.
But that gives me little comfort.
You tie me into knots.
If I remember correctly,
This feeling is described as anxiety.
Or maybe it was love?
I think I hate you.
Oh yes, it must be love.

My thoughts are always buzzing.
And they are always about you.
Buzz, buzz, buzz.
It was only a few weeks before it was over.
But that was enough.
No one has ever seen me the way you do.
I wish they could.
Your eyes made me feel new.
Not alive, not beautiful, not special.
New.
And old.
You saw the me I wanted to see in myself.
The girl I knew I was.
That has to mean something.
But then you stopped looking.

It isn't fair.
You could have just used me,
And then let me hate you.
Like a decent man would have.
Instead you decorate our one-way relationship,
With the word "friends."
You are not my friend.
Because the little pieces of myself that I gave to you,
Are already forgotten.
Hidden away; They were never there at all.
And all I asked for was right now.
But I can't shake you.
That has to mean something.
So, I'll be your friend,
Until you don't need me anymore.
Because that's what I'm good at.
But oh, I'd **** to just be wanted.

You gave me that look.
You know the one.
It had been so long.
And I got lost in those eyes of yours.
I was a goner before I could stop it.
When you asked me why,
I already had a list a mile long.
I liked everything about you and I hardly knew you.
But I knew it wouldn't change.
And it hasn't.
That has to mean something.

I wanted to save you,
But more than that,
I wanted you to save me.
Because for the first time in my whole life,
I actually felt like you could.
By just being around me.
Like a piece that was always missing,
It just makes the picture that more beautiful,
When it's there.
I hope you'll always need me.
Because,
Everyone needs someone,
And I've never needed anyone.
But I need you.
That has to mean something.

The world looked brand new today,
And I'd blame you if you would believe it.
The scales on my eyes wont change,
But you still make the sun shine a little more clear.
You know, it's too late for me.
We're drowning in bottles and faces and nothing.
But I caught you smiling,
And cursed every daydream and notion and fear.

Now that I'm involved, I'll be whatever you need,
Or sail with you to the end of the sea.
If you jump, I will follow you down.
The world is sick, and most days you feel unwell,
But I'll go with you through all hell.
If you jump, I will follow you down,
I will follow you down.

There's this place that I go at night,
And I'd take you if you would believe it.
Where I watched our souls collide,
In a shower of sparks and chaotic things.
One day, I know you'll see,
We're the disease that keeps us collapsing.
But sometimes our eyes will meet,
And when they light up I'll still want to sing.

Now that I'm involved, I'll be whatever you need,
Or sail with you to the end of the sea.
If you jump, I will follow you down.
The world is sick, and most days you feel unwell,
But I'll go with you through all hell.
If you jump, I will follow you down,
I will follow you down.

I will follow you down...
(if you jump, I jump, remember?)
I will follow you down...
(if you jump, I jump, remember?)
I will follow you down...

I don't need another perfect lie,
Or another boy that makes me feel "alive,"
So convincing and so delicate
These walls I built on will fall.

Not a bandage; I'm still a wound.
I wont cover up my scars for you.
I don't need a pacifier or a pain killer,
Just a moment to quiet my mind.

I don't want to wrap myself up in a bow,
And force a smile for everyone I know.
Because I lie to everyone about something,
And I just want to tell the truth.

I've got secrets (but who doesn't?), that someday, I'd like to tell.
And to be honest, I no longer care if I'm destined for heaven or hell.
When I find you, every night, I'll fall asleep wrapped in your arms.
And I'll tell you all my stories as you trace all of my scars.

And I think that he should love me.
He should think that I am lovely.
Not just a game to play and conquer,
But a heart that he should win.

And I need a man who sees me,
Not a man who only needs me.
I don't want a false sense of security,
Just a place to rest my head.

I don't want to decorate my disposition
Or open up to one that doesn't listen
Because I lie to everyone about something,
And I just want to tell the truth.

I've got secrets (but who doesn't?), that someday, I'd like to tell.
And to be honest, I no longer care if he's destined for heaven or hell.
When I find him, every night, I'll fall asleep wrapped in his arms.
And I'll tell him all my stories as he traces all my scars.

Well, it all started harmlessly enough
We were just two kids with nothing better to do
And we never would have been together otherwise
But you were there, and so was I
At first it was like a bad movie
Or one of those ****** teen melodramas
But in between the alcohol and "hush hush" ***
And seeing other people
We saw something in each other that we wanted

That second-first-kiss was when it all started to go down hill
When your breath didn't smell like beer
And your lips were warm and soft
And your arms wrapped around me in the cold, happy to have an excuse
I felt that kiss for days
I can still see your eyes shining down at me
That was the moment we knew we were onto something

A couple weeks later was when it really went bad
You told me you had to leave and I actually cried
You held me and made me promise I'd hold on
You wiped my tears for the first time
And I knew I'd hold on
Those were the months we fell in love

When I reached the west coast, it became hopeless
You let me into a part of your world that was sacred
When we stayed up watching movies
And fell asleep in each others' arms
And you introduced me to all of your closest friends
You expanded my world
That was when we knew there was no going back

But it was when we came back home that it truly fell apart
With reality to face, we used each other to escape
And we got jobs and signed up for classes
And you taught me the difference between ******* and making love
And we were happy
That was when I knew I'd never want anyone else
Unfortunately, that was when you realized you wanted anyone else

I took a walk along the beach to see a wicked sight
The waves were eating up the shores with all their strength and might
The sand was weak to such distress, it washed away with ease
Until the oceans' appetite had been fully appeased

The stars were shinning beautifully as if it were a game
Of who could shine the brightest, so the world might know it's name
But as the sun began to peak it's head above the earth
The stars were lost, so envious of sunshine and it's worth

I saw the moon ****** the waves and knew what lust looked like
The oceans didn't stand a chance,or even care to fight
They swung their hips and licked the shores, a dance to tempt the moon
But he just turned his face away, so fleeting and so soon

The sun rose hot, so filled with pride, to shine another day
Her light was fierce and all too bright, she made the people pray
For too much sun can burn at times and they so needed rain
And all too soon they turned their backs to blame the sun for pain

I looked up at the moon tonight to see it rich and full
I sighed for thoughts of vanity I knew the moon to hold
It's greed would be it's downfall for it's stolen light can't last
And sure enough it disappeared after a few nights past

The clouds rolled in so thick and slow, they slid across the sky
Unsure of their direction, they just floated there so high
Lazily they drifted, changing shape upon a whim
Until they fell in raindrops or blew off on the wind

I tried to count the rain drops as they drilled into the ground
A million once, a million twice, I got lost in the sound
Of angry claps of thunder and the most wrathful of wind
So I counted back the seasons and found all the deadly sins

Good break-up movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Bad break-up movie: Garden State
I cried for a good hour after
And
You would never know it now
But I don't cry

I thought I was broken before
When I didn't cry, beacuse I didn't feel
When I bounced back
I moved on
Like nothing of consequence ever happened at all

But then you fixed me
Just to destroy me
You set my heart to beating
Just so I would feel it when you ripped it out
You restored my breath
Just to leave me gasping
You brought me to life
Just to make my life unbearable when you left

I was better off without you
And sometimes I catch myself wishing I'd never met you at all

Pros:                                              Cons:
- I quit caffiene                              - I feel exhausted
- I stopped over eating               - I hardly eat
- I sleep better                                - I stay up all night and sleep all                                                              ­        
                                                        ­         day
- I dream again                               - They're nightmares
- I'm healthier                                 - Almost all I "eat" are those                                                          
 ­                                                                health smoothies I get at work
- I'm more social                            - I'll talk to anyone if it will                                                             ­   
                                                             ­     keep me from thinking about                                                            ­
                                                                ­  you
- I'm no longer numb                   - I feel so much pain I'm getting                                                          ­
                                                                ­  panic attacks again
- I no longer stress over              - I don't care about school at all
   school work
- I'm writing again                          - I only write about you

How do you think I'm doing?

You should know, everyday it's harder to breathe
And I'd give up forever to see your face
Because somewhere I came to the conclusion
Without you it's not worth being awake
Maybe I'm still too young to understand it
Or maybe I just need to have a bit more faith
But if you and I are so **** perfect together
Then ask your God why He's taking you away
I know, it's wrong for me to act like you're not hurting
I guess it just feels as though I've been betrayed
Because to me, genuine love is worth fighting for
But you seem so willing to just throw it all away
So this must be the part where I grow bitter
In all fairness you did ask from me hate
But you should know, that's not what keeps me up at night
I can't sleep because you're so far away
And did I mention when I said "I need you"
I meant it with my heart and mind and strength
And when I said that I would always love you
I meant no matter what might come our way
So you should know, although we're not together
There is no life without you in my day
California may get you for some time
But tell that God of yours that I can wait

Oh, I wont pretend to know what you're thinking
Maybe you're drowning in the same waters as me
But I hate that I can't feel you thrashing there
At least before we were floating on the same sea

And yes, I knew our days may have been numbered
But zealous hearts tend to ignore logical thought
So I fell for you harder than the Trojans fell for that horse
And you sliped past my walls before I even fought

Now my heart is hiding behind a brand new set of bricks
But I left a key in a place that only you would know
And I hope that I'm the first place you'll come knocking
If you should ever grow tired of going it alone