i don't know,
why is it so hard,
to call you.

living in my bubble,
with nothing but,
oxygen to keep me company.

every word i've written,
about you or not you in here,
is to force myself to feel.

i cut my hair,
really short,
and i did it,
not because i want to,
but to feel something.


spoiler alert,
i felt nothing again.

i am okay,
just not the okay,
everyone else is.

i have become immune to feelings and it hurts so bad to the point it doesn't.

if only you had met me,
when i was me,
we would've been,
something.

i don't miss,
i don't love,
i don't hate,
i don't feel,
i'm barely existing.

you called me,
i felt nothing,
nothing feels anymore,
and the terryifing part?
i don't think it's you.

i wanna talk to you again,
to apologise,
for not being.

i started my journey full,
through all that keeps happening,
i am nothing but emptiness,
of self loathe and painful quietness.

the writer in me,
is just as bad,
as me.

sorry to your heart,
sorry to your time,
sorry to all i've wasted,
attempting to be available.

i do not miss you,
i just miss who i was,
with you.

you read out loud,
the words i so wanted to hear,
and i imagined it was me,
for the two minutes you read,
but in reality,
you were trying to get her back,
with my opinion,
and it felt like nothing.

you know it's bad,
when i listen to the voice,
of the unknown,
to calm me down.

will it all be okay as they all say?

everything hurts,
and i'm not sure i can,
feel any of it.

is the future,
as terrifying,
as it appears.

i lost all senses,
can someone please,
tell me how i should feel.

i went on a date,
with someone who's not you,
i felt sick to my stomach,
am i a monster,
or did you make me one.

it hurts how you don't even count me,
as someone you had,
or as someone who had you.

she's everything i'm not,
while that doesn't mean,
i'm any less than her,
then why does it feel,
so much like it.

you called her your soulmate,
wasn't i yours,
or do souls,
change too.

she seems nice,
you finally found her,
after all.

i still love you.
i just never said it out loud.

the idea,
i have of you,
in my mind,
is taking over.

was i too bad,
to fall in love,
with?

your feelings for me,
where do you hide them?

hope you stare at your phone,
when our hour stares back,
and think of me,
at least once.

did you really love me,
or was i a rebound,
to get through,
the heartbreak,
she is.

i promise i have no idea,
how to love one,
let alone,
you.

i miss all you are,
and all you are not.

did i love you,
or,
do i.

heard your voice,
less than an hour ago,
spent more thinking,
about you.

kept waiting for your name,
to pop up on my screen,
didn't feel nothing,
when it did,
though.

i am who i am,
for myself,
not for you,
never for you.

i am nothing but,
a bridge you cross,
to go to her.

isn't it funny,
how you,
always,
always,
always,
go back,
to her?

loving me,
to you,
was a shield,
to keep you safe,
from her love,
you coward.

i was too scar(r)ed,
and he didn't love me enough.

saw you two mondays in a row,
i don't think you love me anymore.

i fell in love,
with the idea,
of you,
and not you.

i have failed to love you,
for i do not know how,
to love.

out of all the lies,
you claimed to love,
who i was then.

how could it all be lies,
when it felt more true,
than my aching bones.

you used me to forget,
i used you to remember.

i am losing my soul,
barely holding onto my body,
how much longer will i last,
i wonder.