i have this friend
this crazy talented friend
mi compañera en la clase de español cinco
my faithful lunch buddy
the one who inspired me
to pick up the pen again
and open my mind
and let the words flow onto the page
without thinking
or second guessing.
and i'm so grateful for her.

i guess what i really want to say is
"i like you."
but i'm so decently afraid of losing you as a friend
that i would rather nurse the wounds of a broken heart
and watch you be with someone else
so i wouldn't lose you at all.
i'm not a risk taker like that.

|m.s.

everything came caving in yesterday
and i nearly was crushed from the effort
to push the weight of a few words off of me.
my dear, i wished you good luck
on something important to you
and your friend turned to me and
said words i least wanted to hear.

"you like him, don't you?"

all at once i started unraveling,
like a ball of yarn
and i was starting to get tangled
from trying to collect myself of the floor
from the initial shock.
i didn't want to talk about this...
these feelings for you.
they're supposed to be secret
only for the ears of my heart to year
when you pass by or smile at me.
your friend turned to me again
and said more words that made me double over
"he knows."

|m.s.

the fact that you're dating
makes me know that
wishes on stars
on fountain coins
birthday candles
and 11:11
are just false hopes
and are to be avoided
at all cost.

|m.s.

if i could
take your hand in my own
and stare at you for a while...
i don't think i could ever be content
with just that.

|m.s.

what's wrong with me
is a problem and not a problem
within itself.
my problem is that
i am in love with you.
but also being in love with you
is not a problem.
but i continue to find myself
starting blankly into space
imagining my hand
with yours
and it's all i can do
to not start crying
at school
in fear that i may see you.

|m.s.

you wrote a message in my yearbook
that haunted me
you'd see me in three months
if you didn't die.
so three long months
i waited for you to call
and heard nothing.
my heart started to feel heavy
but i knew you were stronger than that.
and today i saw you
in brief passing
hallways are a battleground
but i pushed through
and walked away from you.
"distance. distance"
were the words i chanted to myself
because i didn't want to fall to pieces
at your feet.
after all...
it's still a secret
that i'm in love with you.

|m.s.