The now...
is not fake
its up front
even when its bad...
its pretty good
its like...***
its like...
so real...
its like you
in your realest form
if you think about it
like right now
as you breathe in the fresh fumes of life
the now
the precious present....
so beautiful
and take look around
at this very moment
and see progress
momentum
everything just quiet
...thats if you just cherish the now
like today at school
idk i got caught up in friends...people....friends
and i mean i lost myself...
but the now.....
man the now
how precious
if you just look around
....forget about tommorow
and yesterday
forget about **** to do
if you just focus on you...and the now
best friends for life....
then youll be satified
internally
and....eternally

Dude i have no clue
no ******* idea...
why i continue to fantasize about chue....
idk...
what is it...
like 8th grade...
you...
the memory
continues...
after these past 2 years i still fantasize about you
....and i cant picture you accepting me...
for who i am
i can't
....like
when i picture you
...like i have to be o some mila kunis, megan fox, kim k typa ****...
its like i have to be this trophy in order to keep attention
...its like i knew you liked me
....and it was an interesting attatchment ill say....
but...
i guess it wasnt meant to be
i was looking for a **** buddy back then
and so were you
we were 8th ******* graders
i was immature af....
i didnt know **** tbh...
i was an air head...
who only cared about boys, popularity, friends, and herself...
i was a ***** lowkey
i wanted to be on top...
of the world
...of that school
...of him lol
but i was on the inside
...insecure
but he made me...
he fooled me
..into thinking he was securing me
....like ****
i was a fool
and i was def crushin on em
but now....
its really embarassing to think about
like....****
***
was 8th...the ****
ya know
that whole shabang
was really messin up
and im done with that past
pretending...
insecurity..
attention..
like....
i am over that
you were real to at the time
i was insecure looking for someone to clench on to
keep me up
motivate me
....but you did the opposite
you were like a demon in disguise
...no offense
i mean at the time speaking
but i dont want to cringe...
when i see a pretty *** girl
i dont need to pretend to be "pretty"
nor what you want
nor be that *****
because im not
...im so much more
....like....****
im done living a life in the shadows
a hidden life
my life...is what is what it is
take it...
leave it
i dont care
you are gone
im never gonna see you ever again
but i mean im sorry we couldnt be friends
but the tide
the flows gotta flow
ive gotta go
take ****
and ill keep it in the toilet...lets say that

Do I crave stoners...?
the pink hair...black..
weird *** rockstars
?...
it all feels weird
almost facaded...
i feel like anti barbie
fake and miserable yet somewhat alive
...i feel
.......
it feels like....
......
nothing
...but again something
like you were hit
but with nothing
or with something but didnt get hurt
...its like all in my head
its a made up feeling
....but from where i ask
from where i.......
ask
is it insecurity
....is it....
idk....
insecurity it is
is that you...
hiding in that corner
casting a shadow over me
...come out i declare you out from the shadows
....and tell me
....what i did to deserve this crap
....what did an innocent girl like me ******* do....
huh
yu miserable little *****...
its like i crave happiness?
but i dont know how to give that to myself truly...
and is it even something you can give to yourself?
because its a state of being...
its a state that comes and goes...
a feeling
not a thought...
yes i have control over my mind
...but my heart man....
a battle
only for God

My Mom...she's great...
ya know...
but i feel a draft
like an awkwardness...
like is it in my mind...
should i change...
should i act 5...
again...
what happened...
does she not accept me?
for me...
does she crave that little girl
who wore pink everyday...
got all A's
was perfect..
fit in
was girly as ****
does she crave it?
as sorrow pours from my heart...
a flood of tears shed internally
for the relaxed relationship we once had
...not something i faked
or something i tried to keep alive
...oh mother what happened
...is it me..
is it you
...is it life...
oh i....

Idk...
it sorta just flows
my stanzas
flow
the lines...
the abbrieviations
just kinda flow
my spelling...obviosly not
but i flow
when i write i dont even know how but i just kinda flow
so whats the problem with my life
my mind
why doesnt that **** flow...
i dont get it?.....

I know ive been in new york for like 6 days
...but
this weird feeling
is like a fresh
sorta good
sorta bad
sorta ****** up
sorta not
sorta new
sorta really sorta weird
hella weird at that
its like a thirsty
....its like i expect something different
its like weird...
its fake
its pretty *** phony
its like
school...
its like life
its like my "new friends"...
i guess
its like idk....
writing this with a puzzled look like where do i even begin...

I'm the only person who can give a **** about myself
Nobody cares about me to that extent
In the real world....nobody kisses you're ***
Nobody
In the real world people will hate me....they will laugh at me....and me trying to show them that I'm either better than them or badder
....does nothing.....
Simple fact is....this ****** up world is ****** up
Full of people who believe that you need to be a certain way....
Sit with you're legs crossed, listen to this if you're like black or something....
Well guess what world
I am black....a female
I listen to rock, heavy metal anything I want cuz it's my life
And guess what....you don't matter...your ****** up opinions don't matter
And me thinking about who's laughing at me or staring makes me really angry and sad....
So I'm done...
Focusing on the haters
Because haters are gonna hate
They won't admit it
But these haters are so insecure with themselves or maybe not
But they're jake I ***** that put others down ....
For whatever reason
Because they believe they're better.....
How ****** up is that....
How ****** up is that....
To live in a world where that's ok.....
Like I will make sure....
That I make my mess my message...
And fight for my freedom and inspire others to too...
To not join the crowd because a jack *** is laughing at cha...
Because he's calling you names....I want you to flick that ***** off
Flick his *** off and walk away showing him you're beautiful ***
And go back to doin you...
Because even haters aren't worried about cha...
Their just miserable and mean
Don't give in
You're better than that....
You have a life to live....
You're life...
You're beautiful life....
Notice I said you're life....not theres...
They can't tell you ****
Remember that
Keep it in you're heart
And never let the world make you angry....
.........but I'm already angry and have no idea what to do.....