You know
Today was my first day at my new high school
And it was pretty ****** up
And I don't want to sit here and try to rush myself into a confidence....
Bit it made me realize how much I hate myself
Or how insecure I really am
Or maybe just life idk
But I made me realize the real world we live in
That yea when you're truly being yourself doing you
Yes their will be nice people very few
But yo the ******* and the *** holes
******* over flow
It's crazy ****** up
I has to come home crying
Like the first class I walked in first of all was an all white class
And I could see the pity in teachers eyes
As the students crackled in the back
As they stared like I was an animal
Mentally puting on a facade
Like today was ***
It really was
I didn't go to lunch out of fear....
But like no words
.....it'd life life is flicked up you heard
This was a really ****** up moment for me
And I've never felt so much like ****....
In my life
.....it took me right back to middle school
With James
And all that
It reminded me of my fight for "confidence" for acceptance from *** holes
To stare at me and love me
Think I'm pretty, hot and whatever
But you know that didn't go so well
It made me even more insecure
But I'm opening my mind up
I'm not saying everything's gonna be perfect
......but I'm gonna focus on myself
.....my personal happiness

You mellow
Soft
Plush
Sweet little kitty
Innocent before you entered society
When you entered middle school and realized the world wasn't all puppies...mad smiles
Soft kitty
Look at your past
Yes you were drained into a whole new persona
And you were forced to see your life differently
You've always been the outcast
No matter how hard you tried to fit in
You struggled as people spit on you
**** on you
As you...slowly believed it
Then all at once
....but soft kitt I feel it
This year...this month...this week...this day....
Is redemption time
You know your past
What you've been through
Bullying, insecurity, anxiety, shyness...
The past is over
The present is infinite
Life is a mystery
Follow your bliss...

So I'm starting school tomorrow
A whole new school...
I don't know what to expect
I'm scared as ****
But my guard is up which is the only thing keeping me sane...
But high school eh...
High school..
Who knows...
But what I know
Is me
My heart
My soul...
That's it my answer

Why am I so angry I ask ?
When did I become so furious with the world?
** made me this way...The world or I
I ask I ask I ask....
I've been asking for several years...
Still no answer
I've asked and I've tried
Tons of **** to call attention to myself
I dressed up for people
I tried to be ****** popular
I tried the don't care I'm Kylie Jenner thing
All of those felt right temporarily...then gone
Then on the search again...
My last resort is faith
Believing that God will come through
Look at Demi lavato
..all the miracles that he gave to people
And all the blessings I have
He will come through for me...
But on time's time...
It's a journey
I gotta learn ****
To move forward
And I know where I am right now isn't right
I can't live for other people like it's ok
I can't live I'm fear...
Right now I'm a scared little girl
Scared as ****
Hiding behind a facade
But starting tonight I'm throwing that **** facade in the garbage
There is nothing in this world that will make me happy
No clothing
No celebrity
No feeling
Nobody
On the outside
But the only thing is
Contentness...
Life for me
Is not a lot of things....
But it's about what's on the inside
Like today I scrolled on Instagram
I saw miley cyrus of coarse and one of her back up dancers
And her back up dancer is short a ****** and I thought to myself how did she find the light....
How is she smiling
And wearing things that the world doesn't approve of
And doing what she wants
Truly..
Not out of rebellion or selfishness
How the ****...
Does one do that I ask....
How?

What is it about a skinny perfect body that makes you happy?
What is it about long straight silky hair that makes you get butterflies in your stomach?
What is it about perfect flawless features that make you confident?
What is it about ******* perfection?
I'm not gonna sit up in here and tell you **** you already know....
But I will say
I've spent years on a pursuit for happiness....
I have yet to find it..
I shaved, I got weaves, I did my eyebrows, I was a clean freak, I was a people pleaser, I was miss perfect, miss Paris Hilton, miss pink everything, miss black everything, I've tried about everything....
And I feel like I've hit rock bottom
Yes.
I'm young and you look at me and say there's bills and bigger problems out there?
But these are my problems and my struggle
Today I declare my search over
Happiness comes in no quantity
It is not perfect
It's something that cannot physically be found
But must mentally be seen
It is abstract
You must believe it to see it
You can't tell yourself to be happy
Or all these ****** up reasons why you should be happy
And say YEAH I'm happy...
**** that no your ******* not
You can't do that
It's the impossible
You must believe
Because if you won't...
A life of misery, insecurity awaits you

My life in one flash
In one word
...non existent
All I do is think about others
That's my daily thought
How will others perceive me when I do this?
It's always the main idea no matter in what language, sign, or gesture
If I say I'm going to be confident today
It usually translates to...
I'm gonna act like miley cyrus today...
I'm not gonna give a **** or I'm gonna act like I don't to gain respect from people
...see it's always about people
...why am I shaped out like this
It's like I have no way out
It's like I'm trapped in a box
With a years worth of instructions to get out
But just can't seem to figure it out...
I guess my answer was there all along
God of coarse
But it's like my faith is shaking
I don't want to down talk my God
But it's like more of a feeling of obligation than faith
It's like you feel like you have to because everyone else is telling you too
And I just need to forget everyone else
And stay in faith...
It really is like I'm trapped in a box
Like I know exactly what it takes to be confident, reasons, explanations all of that crap I know it
Like my idol is miley cyrus
Like I know that only God can judge us, and that **** the haters because they don't matter
But I have no idea to get out of my low

Like I spent all of 2014 worrying about haters...
Googling all this crap on how to forget them
And all o that
But it's like why am I still here
I am missing something
It's like I know
But I know it's something that cannot be said
It isn't another thing that I can tell myself
It's something beneath my soul
A belief
It's faith...
Something beyond my control
Something so abstract
But I gotta believe in something....

I don't need to undersexualize myself to be considered a non ****
I don't need it
.....nor do I need to do anything for a mans ****** attention
If you want me
Turn my heart on
Accept me for what I do
What I wear
But don't be there for ***
Or to trophy me to your friends
It seems like genuine guys are a hard find
Like you really have to go through the whole friend thing if you want a good guy
Who's gonna like you for you
Not for having the fattest ***
Or the prettiest society face
Like me for me that's all...
I am not defined by my body
Nor what I put on my temple
I am defined by my soul
That's it....