Scrolling down my feed
Sees a pretty girl
....I'm not the hater type but
I think **** her ***....
Why can't I look like this low key
Then I think why do I crave this
The attention from others
From guys....
To know that your beautiful...
That you're worthy
It's like girls do whatever show you're *****, where a space suit, cover up, like whatever you do
You're worthy
You're worthy because of what you wear within your soul
Even if you're wearing no clothes
You wear confidence within your soul
And I salute that
Respect
No hate
Just a thought
An impulse....

Competition...
For who...
Try to be better than the butch next to you...
*******...
For what
Can we all not coexist
I'm not interested in a competition....
Vanity...nah
Money..nah
Just plain nah...

New flame
West islip high school
Another hell I have no idea I'm getting myself into
I refuse to make it another me story
Another struggle to fit in story
Like all of my previous years
I really don't want to sit here and plan
Cuz life can't be planned
It works on its own timing
I hope for the best
I'm going in with confidence in myself
Knowing that I'm important
No matter who judges me
I'm important
In an almost all white school
Yeah I'm ******* important
And I'll remember that
I am loved
By God, my family , by me.....

I realized a lot of things today
Ying both yang
I experienced extreme anxiety
Talked to myself non ******* stop....
Mental anguish you know.....
Reminded myself I was human
And repeat
It's like a never ending cycle for me
It just repeats
It's like I can't allow myself to fly
Just do life
Endure it
Go through it
If there's a flame you know have the ***** to go through
Like there's something holding me back
It's like I avoid it
I tell myself some reasonable excuse to make it seem ok
But like I have no wounds
Just fear
I mean I have scratches but not wounds......
I never allow myself to just go out there
In the unknown and take that ***** on
This is not another sappy happy story...
It's a documentary from my heart....

so i was just kinda sittin in ma chair
..and i realized that
we don't have forever....
each day, each moment, each hr, each second
is like melting ******* ice....
i know its cray cray
but its real
we are not in eternity
we don't have forever
like one day im gonna ******* die
one day
and its like who am i living for right now....
what is being **** for boys?
what is that...
what is dressing to impress?
what is this lavish lifestyle we all chase?
what are cars?
this metal with wheels?
to have *** every day?
to have a billion boyfriends?
like idk
this is not life you guys...
i dont want to constantly be trying to less slutify myself so ******* view me as classy...
i don't want to feel like i need to wear all black and be hipster to feel well fitted...
like the **** is that
what are *****...
what is a nice body?
what is an ***....
what are all these things?
what is attention...
what are these things that are so called important?
huh
aspiring to be like a model
so boy's will think youre hot
so you can feel like totally great about yourself
than that boy misusing your body and you go tweet about eating icecream because youre so ******* heart broken
like **** the ideal...
**** this planned perfect lifestyle
really....
**** it
life is truly a mystery
to me atleast...
but who says that's not fun....

ya know...
the thought is exciting yet trembling
its like 20 seconds ago i came to the realization of the reality of my go...
i'm going to a new high school in the middle of the school year...
i have high *** anxiety
the skool is 6 percent blacks in the whole high school
and i'm a hella *** different
like i have my own take of life, i'll stand out like the black dot on the white paper...
the thoughts just kinda making me anxious
....but i guess its fine
like im not gonna sit in here trynna force myself out of humanity...
but like im human
life happens
and experiences, and moments like this
****** up moments
that you dont ******* like...
strengthen you
i guess
but i'm not gonna do anything crazy
like search how not to give a ****
or look at a thousand miley pics to figure out how i can be like her...
although i will do that but i'll be me in the process
..i'll cry
i'll have mini heart attacks
i'll panic
i'll do whatever
but it will pass
and when it does i'll look back wondering why i ever worried
but i'm going by my message
...life may be a ***** sometimes
but its only a ***** to test you
its one of those *******
but it loves you and wants to strengthen you
with all you're wounds and crap
they'll seal up
and when you get stabbed there again it wont even hurt
sooooooo....
therefore
let life do life
and let the moment be the moment
if you needa cry
if your scared be scared
it'll pass
but just have faith
and never feel sorry for yourself
because you have God by your side!

midnight thoughts..
so l went to my aunts and watever
this movie was playin and just flashed me back to a special someone
and emotions were running all over the place
but it was all negative
like the good feelings started arising
then i remembered how he made me, truly feel...
aside from the whole **** facade i put on for him...
but like yeah he just kinda kept replaying in my mind
and its kind of ****** up
i dont like it
its taking me back to 8th grade
the feeling of obligation
of acceptance
....to be seen as cool
its like the angel and the devil on my shoulder
its ****** up
but its fine
its apart of the whole journey
its ****** up...but it'll get ******* better
...one day
i wont crave the attention anymore
or the acceptance
but its apart of it...
like im gettin there...