I know when I'm starting to lose myself, when i start saying "I'm use to it". But doesn't matter, because i can't win this battle within me, i can't win the battle here and so on. Why? Because i lost my way, i don't want to go on anymore. I'm lost, in my own mind, own world. Own thoughts of depression. Yeah, just useless for me to carry on, i won't make it even if i tried. Don't worry though, I'll get over it somehow, maybe the next day. Like i said, "I'm use to it". Smiling outside, but crushing, losing, and falling apart.
I'm starting to lose myself.

I do not want to disappoint anymore,
I do not want to feel the bullet pain and traumatic experience of lust, hurt, and fear. I don't wanna cry forever and never heal or recover from my addictive ways, of love and give, than fall and crash. **** it hurts! I don't want to repeat a never ending mistake and heartbreak.
I lay my head down and close my eyes, than a rush of memories scatter in my thoughts, than darkened my heart and crushed my soul! It's like my death wish has come to visit me, scare me... I do not wish to disappoint you anymore. I don't want to live like this, to go on through this, to suffer throughout until my lungs collapse and I finally pass onto the afterlife. Let me go, release me, please, take this depression, this aching, this-- insanity away from me.. For I do not wish to live this way anymore. I am nothing, I am helpless, I give in. Let me GO!

Her fears lived among her, what she tried facing, she always retreated and ran away from. What I ran away from!
Even though it seemed to be in her thoughts or imagination, it felt real and traumatized her! Darkness creeping along her bed side, she barely made a sound, she muffled under her breath as her tears filled her pretty eyes. I always said to myself, "its going to be okay, its just my mind playing games, these things, or feelings are just a phase. Maybe the pills are making me this way, it'll all be over soon. Monsters aren't even real? Mama said that monsters only exist in people. She mumbled to herself. Arms covered with cuts and marks  from previous suicide attempts, throat with black and blue rope markings still there from age 10 when mama saved me from trying hurt myself using a jump rope.  I dont understand how I'm still here! she cries hysterical. The doctor takes notes. She passed away on my 15th birthday, she just stopped breathing in the bathroom on the floor. Mama had some issues too, but she had it worse! I just stood and watched her soul be taken by what I believe was darkness but some others say is insanity. I couldn't save her, but she saved my life, now I'm here! Soon enough I knew I'd be the one in my family to be put in a crazy house because I was afraid of myself and the dark things I felt that hurt me. Maybe that hurt my mama. So what do I think happened when I look back, you ask? Well, my fears killed my spirit a long time ago, my happiness died, my hope is empty. I'm just a monster! A stupid monster mama warned me about.. So, Does that answer your question doc?❤

By : Mikayla Jenelle Cook

Her heart, as cold as ice
Her tears as thick as blood.
Crying so painfully, and hurting so brutally. Her soft - beautiful skin, heartwarming; bleeding and damaged forever. Her dignity, her pride, and with confidence, that battle is dead. She is defeated! And with that, her soul has failed her. Even her high walls and shield couldn't protect her from fear, she has failed! Her hope is gone, her smiles lost, she's lost forever. Into the woods, she's just a lost girl who lost her way, trying to escape. Escape a dark bittersweet prison within.

You always said to me; "I love you", "you are my one and only", " I won't hurt you, I PROMISE", and yet you threw me away, like it was nothing. But you didn't care, not one bit! And just like that.. I fell for your type, i ran into your slippery arms, hoping for comfort, but deep down, you had a cold heart, filled with a black heart of hate. You masked itself from being discovered... And I didn't see it, oh how foolish I was to fall for you.. You had let me fall and plum into the earth, buried in shame, drowning in my tears of sorrow.. You still never cared, and never will probably. You used me, manipulated me like a puppet in your cruel and hurtful acts, with your mean words and pathetic sweet talk... I became your victim in your crime, and suffered your brutal game. But, I made it through, and became a stronger and better person and wise. You may have shot me down with pitty, and pushed me around with your hurtful words to make me feel worthless... But I know who I am, and I was raised to be my own person and leader, and I pushed through your bull crap, and I still stand!

I am healing each and everyday, with a blessing coming and peace in my heart, because your ignorance.. Doesn't tame me!
No more, not ever! Because I believed in myself.