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helios Sep 2021
there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
and so i stay awake til
the morning light floods my
window & birds chirp

i have not died yet
thousands of days i've slept,
eaten, breathed and moved
and while i've never experienced
the situation i fear
it doesn't stop me from my anxieties
that grip my ankles and pull with
a force that cannot be stopped
i grab at the headboards and hold
on for dear life but
my hands always slip

there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
and maybe the desire i have to survive
is proof enough that i have it in me to live
but i still cry at random times
and i can't visualize a future where i'm happy
and it feels like time is slipping away
yet i never try to reach out and grab it

i am not scared of dying
as much as i am scared of death
i've always hated change
and this is the biggest of them all
i want to get better but
it feels so far off
and taking one step forward
is hard enough as it is

there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
tonight is one of those nights
and so i stay awake
im in college and its terrifying

this is an old poem
128 · Oct 2021
poetry vague
helios Oct 2021
connected by the
twisting of our
lungs (the air
meets with the inner
workings and
have *** under the
last light of the
yellowing moon) oh,
is it poetry or just
a murmured tangle of
fragments that dangle meaning
in front of you (
laughingly- i am the
naked king, and
you are the false awe)
;find purpose in
these words because
it is the first time
they have ever been spoken
(written, preached, given)
in such an arrangement
and the last time
even i will remember
what they meant to say
been thinking bout the question of 'what really is art?' is there a line that ever needs to be drawn? does the artist themselves need to know the meaning behind it, or is it based on what the viewer gains?

i had a discussion with a buddy a few weeks ago on the topic of modern art. the concept of art has become so vague (not necessarily a bad thing) but often it is "faux deep"-- and then rich people purchase it so they can brag about having it in their houses. perhaps the problem lies in those who create "abstract art" with the intent of selling it for an obscene amount of money, rather than bestowing it with genuine meaning. but then again, if someone finds actual value in a piece of work, even if it's not the meaning the artist intended, should that praise be given to the artist?

anyway, this poem is nonsense.
125 · Oct 2019
gl-or-y
helios Oct 2019
i don't hate
who i am today
for although i make
mistakes & although
i struggle with being
myself, i
find that humanity
thrives on the knowledge
that none of us are perfect, &
beauty is subjective. so the
next time i glance in the
mirror and grimace, i
will tell myself that i
am what i make of
myself and my
eyes can only see
what i train them to see. i will
remind myself (gently, of
course) to blink and
blink again.
i think this is a nice poem. or nice message, at least. not sure if i truly take its message seriously , though. funny how i spew “life lessons” as if i am superior yet i never follow my own advice
118 · Oct 2018
i exist.
helios Oct 2018
I EXIST.

i breathe the same air you do.
i cry the same tears you do.
we see the same, we feel the same, we ARE the same.

it is neither you nor i who is born different.
it is the power of what we choose to be
that leads us on different paths,
gives us different lives,
treats us for better or for worse.

i am neither perfect nor imperfect.
i am human.
and so are you.
i mourn the living and the dead.
101 · Oct 2020
a late introspection
helios Oct 2020
i don't mean to blame
other people

but i find it ironic that
they tell me i was fine till i was
fifteen , yet i can remember
being twelve and so
terrified of being late

seriously, **** that guy
who screamed in my face
when i was sobbing and shaking
and hiding in bathrooms
because i thought everyone
would think i was an idiot
if i came five minutes past
start.

anyway
i just feel like it's never that
simple. i am not a sudden person.
i never will be.

i showed the signs. they didn't see them.
and it's my fault that i couldn't recognize them?
that i couldn't be introspective before i was even
out of middle school?

haha, yeah. fifteen and suddenly ****** up
depressed and anxious and angry and lost
impossible! i was in honors courses!
no way in hell that i was so ****** up before!

well, now i'm here
still a *******
still afraid
and now there ain't time
to be fixed
bro i've got a lot to get offa my chest
81 · Oct 2020
something softer
helios Oct 2020
finally alone
i watch the sun sink softly
'til i shut my blinds
i'm not completely full of rage, i suppose
helios Feb 29
i'll dream sometime, someday, somewhere
lost in a sea of endless thoughts
think of the things that were once there
think of the things that are now lost

i know it hurts, because it should
and yet i mourn the mounting tide
if i could fight it, know i would
i wish i'd never stepped aside

tomorrow marches into frame
why does it always go so fast?
to douse the fire, **** the flame
to cut my tether to the past

all good things must one day end
i never thought it would be you
all i can think, without you, friend,
is when you're gone, what will i do?

i'll dream sometime, someday, somewhere
lost in a sea of endless thoughts
i'll say a quiet, sorrowed prayer
and hope it covers up my sobs
77 · Oct 2020
no more inspiration
helios Oct 2020
i want to be a modern day shakespeare
dancing words around these fools
spitting fire and misery
instead i'm a ******* monk
-ey

barely talk and
when i do
i'm spewing ****

god, i hate myself
i am depressed
70 · Oct 2020
reflection
helios Oct 2020
been a year and
some would say
i've gotten worse

they say
you'll hit
rock bottom and
then you can only
go up . hah, okay
yeah well i'm
ready to climb, so
ready to get out of this
pit. but turns out
i still ain't hit
the ground yet.
this isn't over? ****.
no worries at all
helios 14h
i'll dream of you someday
not in the good-warmth fuzzy-feeling
limbs entwined and comfort promised
way, no, not in the bright-day fresh-faced
morning comes and i follow way, no
new-found steps and early cups of tea
shirts unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up,
no mutual joy and mutual sorrow and
goodbyes turned hellos turned i-love-yous

i'll dream of you someday
tipped in regret and laced with nostalgia
pointedly distant and further driven
deeper dug under my skin, veins bulged
almond scented and pillow still warm,
it will be untitled poems never read but
thought hard, words unspoken kept
pressed against the breast-pocket of
woolen pajamas now soaked through,
puffy-eyed stares in silent mornings
and blemishes on a salt-dried face

but when i wake it will be ashes,
not gathered, but spread, verily
wind-swept taken to seaside views
in gold-flecked divine proportion.
it will be deep breaths in and deep breaths out
and life that feels too much to live
but i will live it anyway.

— The End —