when i go to hell
give me a
glimpse of heaven
so i can see who i am
and who i could
have become

i yawned so hard i cried
tears disappear into the cracks in my skin
my hands sting from dryness
and my lips break

my fingernails are ragged
and the blankets are checkered
one square for every time
i forgot what it meant to be human

and cancer runs in my family
given to me without my consent
i'm forced to follow its rules
if it makes me play along

a cruel game where no one wins
except the wind
it scatters me across the galaxy
i'll be a astronaut
no need for a helmet

the stars exist for excuses
reasons beyond explanation
why this happened the way it did
why i failed, why i lost, why he died, why she lived
justice is a fairytale
and the poor maiden is a myth

my mind is the only thing that matters
except my looks control me
and even if i have words of gold
my face will dictate how they are said
and what they mean

i'll fail math class
because x doesn't equal perfection
and the ***** only goes downhill

and the crying continues
long past the yawns.

winter couldn't be hotter
the snowflakes burn into my skin
my blood boils and i cry
yet my tears freeze before
they hit the ground

I EXIST.

i breathe the same air you do.
i cry the same tears you do.
we see the same, we feel the same, we ARE the same.

it is neither you nor i who is born different.
it is the power of what we choose to be
that leads us on different paths,
gives us different lives,
treats us for better or for worse.

i am neither perfect nor imperfect.
i am human.
and so are you.

one day i'll forget the abc's
just as i have forgotten my own name,

& i'll ask my cup of water,
but it won't respond.
i'll curse it.
how rude can one get?
not to answer to their elder?

& it'll fall on the floor,
the plastic making a soft boing as
it bounces onto the tiles.
that's a funny sound.
i giggle.

i'll turn back to the abc's.
a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h , i , j, k , l,
i stop. what comes next?
it was the first letter of my name, wasn't it?
round and long, like n, but not...

& i'll look to the left.
there'll be an old lady there,
and i smile when i notice her numerous wrinkles.
thank god i'm not like that.
i wonder what i'm like.
i can't remember my own face anymore.

& my back hurts. & my vision's blurry.
and i still- i can't seem to remember
what comes after L.

& i'll wonder, but i'll get distracted.
i get distracted easily, i find.
i don't know why it's so hard to focus anymore.
it seems that everything's moving too fast.

i watch as a spider crawls across the ceiling.
i think i used to be scared of those.
what's it called? the fear of spiders?
i'm pretty sure i had it.

i reach for my glass of water, but it's gone.
where did it go?
i could have sworn it was right next to me.
i'm thirsty.

and i still can't remember...

what had i forgotten?

flowers erupt from your eyes and grow giant
petals from your eyelashes.
your mouth fills with dirt and your nose
drips seeds.

horror often comes from beauty.
or does beauty come from horror?
i cannot remember.